Disappointed in 12 Y/o Son

You seriously have had NO contact with your son for 9 days? I take it the father has full custody and you only visitation. You say he behaved badly but what exactly did he do that was so horrible you felt the need to dump him like he was garbage? Because he's a kid and you sound like you just cut him out of your life. I bet he's even more hurt by his mom treating him like he's not even a human being.You ma'am should be ashamed of yourself . No child for something as simple as acting up should be treated like that you know where the father lives and it sounds like you can't even drive over there.

What point are you trying to make here because he's not getting the message. I'm sure his behavior was out-of-line, but enough to cut him out of your life for an extended period of time? Probably not. My guess is that you were offended and reacted without thinking that maybe he would rather be with dad.

You are expecting an adolescent to act like an adult, which simply isn't going to happen. You're not caving-in if you initiate the conversation with him- you are parenting your CHILD and showing him how grown-ups behave when they are apologetic. I'm sure you said a thing or two that you woud like to apologize for as well.

Be the adult here and initiate the conversation in person. If he elects to stay with dad, then you opened that door for him to do so. If he realizes that the two of you have some work to do on how to communicate and comes home, then get a counselor involved and do the work.

M., I don't know what your son did, but hopefully it was really really bad because what you basically said by telling him to go to his dads is that you want him out of your life. I'm sure this sounds harsh, but you're dealing with the consequences of that decision.

If you've gotten over your own temper tantrum, perhaps you should drive over to his fathers house and apologize for YOUR behavior and hope that by setting an example, he will apologize for his.

OK: just saw your update. Here's my thoughts. First, he's 12 years old. That's a tough age. Plus, he's got divorced parents. That's doubly tough. It sounds like you need to shower him with love so he knows he has a secure, safe and loving environment with you. Don't allow him to escape to his dads when he misbehaves. Keep him near you, be with him, love him, talk to him, and above all: make sure he knows that you will never leave him.

I think that if you want an apology, you need to address the issues about his behavior and not just ship him off. If he is truly going to do better with his dad, then that's one thing, but please don't use this as a punishment to withhold your relationship from your son. He needs you. I see this in both my stepkids. Whatever happened on that trip, you need to address it. You need to sit with him face to face and find out what is going on in his head. Teenagers are miserable creatures sometimes, but they're also sensitive. Please go to your son. Talk to him. Sit down with him. Find a solution from the bottom. Behavior issues are just the iceburg you see. For example, my stepson used to come home and be very aggressive toward his dad. It wasn't that he hated his dad. It was that he felt so conflicted and missed his mom and didn't have the right outlet to express it. He had some heart to hearts with his dad and we also got him into football as a healthy way to express that pent-up emotion. You're in counseling? Call the counselor.

I don't know the details of your life, but I urge you to be the bigger person. He needs you to be his mom. I'd still want an apology later, but address the issue first. You've rejected him and he's hurt. It is very hard for boys to express that hurt. I think you need to reach out to the other adults for face time with your son. Even if he stays with his dad, you need to get this addressed, even without the upfront apology, IMO. You can still hold him accountable for his behavior, but it jsut sounds like there's so much else going on here.

Edit to add: Teens are very black and white. Friend of mine's DH gave his daughter an ultimatum and the kid took it. Now that kid is feeling like she made a mistake but can't take it back and the dad is too stubborn to relent in any way. I cautioned Friend that this is what would likely happen - a standoff. The girl is 14 and now has no contact with her dad because she doesn't know what to say and he's not backing down. What 14 yr old really understands the world? I think you can fix this, but you need to revisit some of the "don't blink" mentality, especially as he gets older. Sometimes we say, "Okay, so you want to go to this party? Why should we let you?" Or "You want to learn to drive? How can you show us you are ready for that responsibility?" We might still say no, but sometimes just talking about it makes the kid realize the whys and think things through that s/he didn't realize and sometimes we see things we didn't think about, either, and we can come to a compromise.

Wow. A few thoughts:
•Sounds like you completely lost your cool if you suggested he LEAVE your house "for a while". Kids are kids, you ARE the adult, right? Did he suggest it or did you?
•By saying that, are you implying to him that you love/want him only if his behavior is a certain way?
•I understand you are hurt, but when you make rash decisions with no "plan" in place (Ex.: "Go to dad's and cool off til Saturday.") then you can't control the outcome.
M., I don't mean to be harsh and I have NO idea what your son did/said that got you both the the point you did, but I'm sorry, I cannot ever imagine telling my son he would be better off somewhere else...maybe we could use some more specific details....

I don't know how the arrangement came to pass - was it a "Fine, stay at your father's!!" sort of conversation? I have a hard time telling my child to leave and that I don't to be with him. So I know if I said it, then it woudl have only been in anger. That said, I would have no problem eating my words and saying, "I am mad and I want an apology. But I love you and I want to be with you. Please come home and we will find a way to work it out."

You may deserve an apology, but I think you need to model loving behavior to him. Not a "my way or the highway" mentality. Don't let him think you don't want him.

Now, living with his father may be healthier for him. I don't know the larger context. But this is not the way it should happen.

What's up with the dad not communicating with you?

I agree with Everley. Sending him to dad's should never be an option for bad behavior. It's only an option for you because you're divorced. What about non-divorced parents? What do I say, I'll send you to live with a grandparent or a neighbor? Of course not.
I'm sorry you and your son are in this situation M.. Go to him. Go make up with him. Be the bigger person because you are. You're his mommy. Even though he's a "big boy" you're still his mommy.

One, some times we say things we don't mean to say out of the heat of a fight.
Two, teens can be difficult
Three, only you know what really happen and how
Four, no matter what, you need to have a serious conversation with your husband, these black outs are totally wrong, never mind the fight with your son, I would be thinking the worst (a car accident for example) if nobody replies.
Five, after all these days be honest with your self and I think is ok, if you go and tell him, "I haven't hear from you and I worried, I love you and I hope we can talk, my feelings are hurt and I wish you could put your self on my shoes" stop texting, just go and face to face talk.

We can be mad to our kids and still talking to them, same way around.

Six, if you know you went to far, apologize. My mom once told me I should learn to apologize to my kids because from me is where they will learn to apologize to those who they hurt. She said it in Spanish and sound it so more deep, but I think you get it, ha.

What is the custody arrangement? It would seem that the father should be somehow obligated to touch base with you (and you with him) when one of you has your son. If it were me, I would be on his doorstep this afternoon! Your son is 12 -he's still very much a child!

What on earth did he do? I get that he was awful, and you're upset, but sending him away is solving nothing. Maybe he wants to be at his dad's. Does dad let him do whatever he wants? It sounds like things must certainly be going his way, because at his age if it wasn't, he would have called by now!

I think you need to contact him and tell him that he STILL owes you an apology and WHY. Are you seriously never going to speak to him again if he never calls and apologizes? I don't think so... However, let him know that you're not willing to throw him away or send him to his dad's forever, but you have made some new ground rules and consequences. DO THAT! Discuss them with him and make sure you pay special attention to whatever the problem on the trip was. Lay some ground rules regarding the manner in which he speaks to you, comings and goings, etc. If he says they're not fair -calmly discuss what he thinks would be fair. There may be some room for compromise on some of them, but ultimately you're the adult and his mother -a parent. He should not be running the show here!

wow if you were with his dad where would you send him for his behaviour? would you look into militay school or send him to an aunts? if so I guess you follwed your gut but I J. cant see sending them away as punnishment. How bad could he have been to require a parent to not interact with him for 9 days?

Don't cave M.. You told him when he's ready to apologize to call. He's not ready. Maybe send him an email or an actual letter that lets him know you love him, but don't beg him to call. Then he has the power to make you miserable and he will use it!
I get that you are hurt, I have a brother that was an absolute horror to my parents for almost 6 years. Here's hoping that he has a change of heart soon!
L.

It sounds to me like rather than addressing and dealing with the issue you sent him to his dad's. I don't think this is going to accomplish anything. I think you need to talk to your son and find out what is going on in his life and why he is behaving the way he is. If he has deep seeded emotional issues than you may need to make an appointment with a counselor to address those issues.

I'm sure there are times we'd all like to send our kids off rather than address the issues, but realistically that does nothing more than sweep the issue under the carpet only for it to flare up at a later date and time.

I suggest you forget about an apology, go pick up your son and get to the bottom of what is really going on with him.

ETA after SWH - Why not make an appointment with the counselor, pick him up, and have them mediate the session? You may even want to make your own appointment so that you can learn ways to cope and interact with him whatever the situation.

I would be updet that no one was responding to my texts i.e. your ex husband. He may not like it but you are one of the parents to this kid.

I have no idea what happened but I don't think this was handled as well as it should have been.

Who has custody of your son? You or your ex? That makes a difference.

On occasion, my 12 yo dtr says she's going to live with grandma. Not even if we argue, just that she is going to live with her. I tell her no, we are a family and until she is 18, she lives with us because we love her, need her and this is her home. Honestly, I think you quickly reacted to a situation and the fast and easy way to deal with it was to send him to dads. Well, that isn't the answer and doesn't resolve the issue. I would call the cops in dads area and ask them to do a "well check" on him. Say you are calling and texting and no calls are being returned and you don't even know if the dad has him or not. That will open their eyes and then get him back home and deal with the issues. He is a tween, welcome to the attutude mom, it will be here for awhile! Find the book "Teenage Boys" by Beausay and get some tips that will help you parent him. Good luck!!!