DH Mad at Me for Coddling Our Children

You don't really say how you are "coddling" the children, other than giving them rides. Maybe you are and maybe you are not. Why not go to a marriage counselor and talk about these issues? You are both to a point where you believe the other is wrong. A third neutral party will be able to see things objectively and offer advice so you can both handle these situations better.

Haven't read thru the other responses, so forgive me if this is a repeat... What if, once everyone is calmer, you guys sit down together with pen and paper and make a list of the things you disagree on. Then sit down and make a list of all possible compromises, whether you think they will work or not. Then pick one that you could try for awhile. Then show the kids the new rules and stick to them together. They would be rules you set together, in writing for both of you and for the kids. Good luck! Parenting can be such a challenge, and parenting teens even harder!!

You just carry on being you until you get to counseling. If he wants to have a fit, let him. No need to cowtow to him if you think your parenting is reasonable. A counselor will be a good neutral 3rd party to talk things through with and she or he will let you know what is normal and healthy and what isn't. If you change your behavior, do so based on that feedback.

My husband and I have been to many, many counselors and family therapists over the years (our marriage is a bit of a disaster - healthy couples can normally sort this out fairly quickly). In many instances, the therapist has validated my actions and told my husband that what I do is reasonable, fair, and positive. When he hears that, he tends to find a reason to stop going and then 6 months later, we find someone else who he complains to until they agree with me, then the pattern continues. We did have one family therapist who called me out on a few things and I agreed with him.

It's good that this kind of discord is so unfamiliar to you that you don't know how to handle it. I wouldn't even notice if my husband went to bed early to avoid me ;-) On one hand, it's kind of sweet that he's got your head spinning. On the other hand, I wonder if he perhaps is a bit of a control freak and likes to retaliate when you don't agree with him?

Without more info on what you do that he complains about it's hard to weigh in on who is "right" in the scenario, so let a counselor help you two sort this out. Honestly, it sounds to me like he's unhappy over more than this and is using this to pick a fight with you. My guess is that once you get to counseling, you'll hear a laundry list of complaints. Don't take them to heart necessarily - we tend to hurt the ones we love because we expect them to be there no matter what - but do brace yourself for him to unload on the counselor and blame you for his unhappiness. Could be a mid-life crisis, could be that he hates his career, etc. but this is the thing he chooses to harp on.

The good thing is that once you get things out in the open in front of another person, you can sort out what's a real issue, what's a distraction, who can and needs to change what and how to move forward.

So tonight? You just go about your business and let him sulk. Don't engage, don't change a thing about what you do, and for sure don't tell him you're hurt. Show him that he's entitled to his opinion, you are capable of making decisions too, and that if it really bothers him, let's go to counseling and sort it all out.

**ETA: Be careful, when you go to a Counselor with him. BECAUSE, and I warn you- your Husband will find a Counselor that HE likes... one in which HE will get his way with, and one that will 'agree' with him, and one that will MAKE you look, wrong. This happened to a friend of mine.

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I don't think he will stop complaining... until you do things his way or see things his way and that is that.

I mean, you do seem to... try and confer with him and do things his way.
But he is not able... to be bendable.
He has a certain way. That he. Wants. Things. To .Be.

My question is: how has HE... pleased you or taken care of you or considered, you... as a Wife and Mom?

He wants a marriage Counselor.
Okay. Fine. Go see one.
But you BOTH have to, decide on one.

This is NOT about "coddling" the kids.
It is about him wanting to be coddled.
And he is miffed.
Sulking.
Pouting about it.
But he is using the kids and how you parent... as the excuse.

That's the way I see it.

I'm with everyone else who suggests that counseling will be a good thing.

I don't know your husband, how right or wrong he is, or you for that matter, but I do know that it will be good to go and get some of the stuff out with someone who can help you. Maybe marriage and family counseling will be necessary, I don't know.

One thing I do know, through experience, is that it *is* a good idea to sometimes table a disagreement until you get to the counselor's office. Consider it damage control-- you don't go further into hurting each other, which you are both doing. You are mad at him for not giving you a break on your parenting choices and he is upset because he (at least sounds like) he feels he has a legitimate concern. Could there be something deeper which is upsetting for him as a parent in some way? Or are you not able to get housework done because of shuttling the kids? Sometimes our spouses see situations from a very different perspective.

I hope that you both get a great counselor who will help you find common ground, to help you both draw out what your hopes, fears and goals are as parents, and to reconnect. If he's this upset, there could be some anxiety or very real fear for him... who knows? This CAN make people behave in ways which seem irrational from the outside. I'm sorry you are having a tough evening and hope that you two can find someone to help you through this rough stretch. We all have them, if that helps.

I'm not sure this really IS about the kids. I think this is an excuse. I agree with the marriage counseling, but I think that you need to find someone who is not just a marriage counselor, but also a family counselor. Find someone you feel comfortable with and then take him with you.

If you don't go with him, he will have you jumping through hoops, and NOTHING you do or don't do will be good enough.

He needs to learn that he doesn't call ALL the shots in this. That is actually what he wants to do and he thinks that a counselor is going to agree with him. It seems that the only one who is willing to compromise and listen is YOU, and that's not fair.

I say take him up on the counseling. Let him even pick the counselor. Based on this particular complaint the counselor is going to ask HIM, "what is your problem?" Keep a list of issues he has with you and you have with him. Write down how he makes you feel.

This way you will remember what times these things tend to pop up and exactly how he acts and it all makes you feel.

Giving the kids car rides? This is not a big deal. IF you are available to give the kids a ride, why not? Your 14 year old will be driving in 2 years and then the "car time" will practically be over. The more time you get to interact with your children at this age, the better.

Trapped in a car.. I mean getting to ride in the car with you is a great time to discuss or for you to just listen to what the kids are up to.

For them to be willing to ride with you is awesome.

Sure if they want to walk or can walk and you are busy.. no big deal. But I know this time right before our daughter was heading back to school, I liked having her close by. I knew I was going to miss her not being around.

I am going to guess, something else is actually irritating your husband and you are NOT the reason.

If your husband wants to see a marriage counselor, then your marriage isn't as good as you seem to think. It may not even be directly related to the kids; that could simply be one issue that is easier to argue about. You say you try to listen, but trying and succeeding are two different things. A counselor can help with that.

You also said, "and now this, which we really did not need." as if his feelings are simply an irritation to get over. This may be the true reason that he wants marriage counseling. From his side, your marriage may not seem that good at all.

Go to counseling with him. It doesn't matter who picks the counselor, so let him have his way in this.

I think counseling is a great idea.

But, I will say this: Stop caring so much about your husband's reaction to the 1 time out of 4 that you give the kids a ride. He knows how to push your buttons. Yeah, the kids could walk. And they do more often than not. Big whoop if you give them a ride occasionally. Big whoop if you're not as h*** o* the kids as he is. Do you come together on the BIG, important issues? Are you a united front when they ask for something? Can they use you against him and vice versa? If you're together on the important stuff, being softer (as moms usually are) than dad shouldn't be a big deal.

But yes, go for the counseling. Go with an open mind and go gladly. You two clearly need it.

If you are having so much trouble communicating, and if he is not only willing to go to counseling but to find the counselor, I say, go for it! No counselor is going to take your husband's point of view just because your husband initiated the appointment. Experienced couples' counselors know full well that the person making the appointment may well have an agenda and the second person may be coming along reluctantly. That's not the issue.

The issue of your kids is just a symptom of the problem, not the entire problem. This one fight is not the issue - it's just an example of the issue. So saying this is something you "did not need" this week is a little bit short-sighted, because throughout your post you say this is an long-standing problem. The way you handle conflict and disagreements is the underlying issue. Marriage, like parenting, is a series of negotiations. Your husband does not negotiate - he gets mad if you don't "get it" (which means if you don't agree with him), he goes to bed angry without talking to you, he says "no rides ever" instead of going along with the 3 out of 4 times the kids walk, and so on. You don't know how to respond because you want to show him he's wrong but you're afraid it will blow up in your face. Meantime you have a teen with some problems.

The best way to teach a teen how to make good decisions is to learn how to negotiate and communicate with your husband, and he with you. The teen (and the tween too) learn that people can have different opinions and still talk them out respectfully and openly. It also sets the kids up to see that counseling is a good option for them and not a sign of weakness but of strength. Further, it shows the kids that you two are going to get on the same page where they are concerned, and the whole family will be stronger for it.

Right now, if you dig your heels in and stand your ground, it's not going to get you anywhere because your husband has already dug in his heels. So go with the great option before you - tell him "You're right, we need help. By all means find the counselor and set up the appointment, the sooner the better." If the two of you can agree to set aside the issue of rides for a week or so until the appointment, even better. And if knowing there's an appointment coming also means you can set aside the disagreements to get through the weekend of activities and the start of school, great.

It's okay to let the other person "win" something if it also is a win for you. So if your husband thinks he "won" this round by getting you to agree to counseling, so what? It still gets you closer to your own goal, which is marital harmony, and you'll have plenty of time to make your points in counseling, where an unbiased person can help you both get to a greater level of understanding.

not sure what the question is in this, but it sounds as if counseling is a great idea. take him up on it! few things are more damaging for kids than parents in a tug of war over parenting.
khairete
S.

Most women would give up their right arm to get their husbands into counseling. GO ASAP!! Let him find the counselor and do all the footwork...then go and listen. Go and be honest. Go and find out what the REAL issue is in your marriage. Maybe you are coddling too much..maybe you are not. Maybe the counselor will give your husband a tongue lashing. I don't know.

You have a husband inwardly screaming, "I am not happy in this marriage!!" , but he is showing it by avoiding you at bedtime and harping on how often you pick up the kids. Then you are festering inside of whether to ignore him and let it blow over. Which really means...avoid the issue and wait til the next eruption occurs. "Showing him how hurt I am" means nothing to him. Nothing changes with his behavior or yours when you simply show how hurt you are. He knows it hurts you..that is why he is doing it. He also has voiced his concern over and over and over...and he feels he is ignored and insignificant. SO, he goes to bed instead of enjoying time with the love of his life. He is not happy!

I don't know if you are coddling. But coddled kids do not do well once mommy is not there to make everything all safe,cozy and comfortable. He knows this and realizes they are heading into turbulent years..he is trying to get them prepared.

Your husband may be trying to prepare your girls for the real world and you are undermining that parental responsibility. He is trying to stretch your daughters and prepare them to be strong,confident and self assured young women. Often times mommy tries to keep them as little girls and wants to do everything for them so they don't hurt,suffer consequences or be stretched to fly on their own. It is our natural tendency to nurture and protect.

Please give your husband a big bear hug. Thank him for trying to raise strong confident girls. Tell him you are having a hard time doing this and that you want to go see a counselor but that you need him to be more understanding and patient. I would bet money that it would do more to heal your relationship than a cold shoulder and "I am so hurt at how you are treating me."

Good luck and best wishes!!

Counseling . . . ASAP! Maybe he wants to pick the person so that you don't get a counselor whom he perceives to side with you. I'd let him pick the person so long as they have good qualifications.

Pure speculation on my part: If I'm doing the math correctly you guys were married 6 years before you had kids (?). That's quite awhile. Maybe he is jealous of not having all your attention like he did before kids? I think many men feel this way to one extent or the other, but maybe he is not coping with it well?

Does he have abandonment or rejection issues from his earlier life?

These are things I would consider. I'm not saying to indulge his negative coping style, but I am saying to delve deeper into what's going on with him and subsequently your marriage.

Also, I would not make him feel like he is the "broken" one. It takes two people to pick each other and get married. Sometimes there are deep subtexts to the relationship.

Good luck and I hope you can get some answers.

ETA: Most moms are the "coddlers." I don't think that's any big sin unless you're going way overboard with it. That's why I think it's not the coddling that really bothers him - perhaps it is the attention that goes with it.

Marriage is a 2 way street.
He's trying to run you over on it.
Stop feeling hurt - start feeling mad.
Marriage counseling is a great idea but he does not get the exclusive say so on which counselor to pick else he'll just find someone who will back up his position and use it to brow beat you into submission.
He's jealous of what you do for the kids and he wants you to be his mommy too.
Really?
What ever bee he's got in his bonnet I don't think bending over backwards for him is going to make him any happier.
It sounds like an excuse to find fault with you no matter what you do.
Could be he wants a divorce.
By all means work on your marriage - BUT - be prepared in case things go the other way.
List the assets, save some money away for yourself, talk to a women's shelter about it (they can advise you), etc.
Don't be blind sided by him.

Definitely go to counseling. There is likely much more going on here than how you are parenting.

Also, find a Parenting with Love and Logic class that you both can go to. This will give you helpful information and insight about different parenting types and how exactly they work or don't work. Taking a class together will give you an opportunity to get on the same page with parenting styles.

It may also be helpful for you to get some of your own counseling support. It sounds like there may be a few boundary issues that you are struggling with that you could use some support with. Also, a counselor could help you address the appropriate ways to communicate and express your thoughts and feelings with your husband. A counselor will also help you to know what to do when he is reactive and upset.

Do you have other examples of what you allow your kids to do that DH disagrees with?

Because with the one example you provided, I would say husband is way too stern. I too, often drove my kids when my husband wanted them to bike or walk.

So in terms of "struggles with your teen," driving them places is a bad example. There must be worse things than that.

Yes, you and husband need to be on the same page, but judging from your one example, he is too strict. Yes, see a counselor so you can come up with a parenting plan you can both agree upon.

The marriage counselor might actually support YOU in driving the kids. ;)

So you know how to push his buttons??

There isn't anything wrong with a different perspective, so go to the counseling. Maybe you both need a little eye opening help.

You don't mention how far the walk is, so it is hard for us to suggest he is being unreasonable.

Child rearing often comes from how you were raised, so perhaps you hubs were raised in two different ways. I am sure we have butted heads with our spouse over how to raise the kids and where to draw the line.

I am strict and my husband is laid back. I have become more laid back and he has become a little more strict. It is a give and take.

Maybe you can talk to him tomorrow to see how the two of you can compromise.

unreal-hubby sounds like bit of a control freak-he needs the counseling-girls this age are snatched up at a moments notice...let him be pissed off-n quit giving him so much control over your emotions..them girls come first n foremost.i swear when i read some of this stuff-for one makes me real glad i ended up a single parent-it was tuff nuff-but it was all my decisions..my kids dad was pointless-still is..ignore him n his stupid remarks n do what you feel is best for them kids-their only young once.

I understand this completely although I have 2 little ones & one older one. My 20 y/o will even tell you that I am much “softer” with the little ones then I was with her. Consistency is the key with children, I know this, but some days it is WAY easier to give in. If this is an issue for him then ignore the behavior, agree to go to the therapist (this NEVER hurts a marriage) and you can express how you feel when he is more open to hear it.

In this instance, it's not coddling. You tell him kids can get kidnapped while walking alone.

Tell him if he thinks, IN OTHER INSTANCES, you're coddling the girls to
provide examples & you'll work on it.

Tell him you see his point but you will also not tolerate being bulied in a marriage. This isn't the 1950's where a woman always stays home from work & HAS to have dinner on the table.

Now, if you know in other ways that you do spoil, coddle, do too much for your kids, then you can pull back a little letting them be more responsible & independent helping themselves.

For example, do you clean up after them constantly? If so, they can do that themselves.

Go to counseling w/him. Most men won't go even when they need to. Most likely the counselor will let him know he's being an ogre in this instance. Maybe you'll both find out things about yourselves, why you do the things you do, find better ways to meet in the middle & compromise, get along better etc.