Will This Get Better?

Updated on April 15, 2014
S.H. asks from Troy, TX
14 answers

I am going to try to give enough derails to answer the question without making this super long. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. He came into the marriage with two kids(only one was his bio kid and that's the only one of his two that we have custody of now). The kids are now 11, 13, 15 and 15. His bio son, my stepson is 15. I have been with him since he was 6 and although we have had pur UPS and downs we have had a pretty easy transition to blending our families. My husband has always been defensive and a little reluctant to punish my stepson. I think because he is scared that he will want to go live with his mother(who has been in and out of his life, but has had no contact on the last 4years).

Recently my stepson has made some very bad decisions with serious consequences. He steals things, lies, sneaks out and I think he may even be doing drugs, but I have no proof. He always has an excuse for doing these things like "I didn't steal it, someone gave it to me" or "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to go out my window at 3am" and so my husband always gives him consequences that are way too light. For example, one of the other kids will get a harsher consequence for not doing the dishes than he will for sneaking out. To me, these are serious issues, but my husband just doesn't see it that way. When I try to talk to him about it, he acts like I am picking on him because he is my stepson and not my bio son, which simply isn't true. I love my him, he is just my son and I feel like I would react the same way if it were one of my other sons behaving this way.

My stepson knows that my husband feels guilty and scared of him saying he wants to go live with his mother, so he uses it to his advantage. He also thinks that when my husband gives him a consequence that it was only because I told him to do so. So, now
he is saying he hates me, hates the other kids and that if we were not there his life would be so much better. He thinks that my husband would have more money to give to him and that he should be more important than the other kids etc. He uses this to try to make my husband feel more guilty and it works. I understand him being angry about his mom dropping put of his life and some other things, I understand my husbands fear of losing him too, but I think he has to have consequences for his actions. We both spend plenty of time with him, family time and my husband spends one on one time with him as well. This is breaking my heart as I have tried to be a good mother to him and also taking a huge toll on my marriage. My question is has anyone been through something similar? Do I just let my husband handle it anyway? Do I give in to my son and get a divorce? Or will it get better as he gets older? I just don't know what to do anymore. I do want to add that my husband has legally adopted by three children and he does set appropriate boundaries and consequences for them and overall he is a good husband and father.

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So What Happened?

Thank you so much to everyone who answered and endured my long post. I love the idea of a love and logic class and I actually took one when my children were really small. To answer a few questions, we did do family counseling before and for a year after we got married, he was in individual counseling a few years ago, but he would go and just sit there and not speak to the therapist. We have always had a good bond and he has called me mom since we got married. He only says mean things now when he is upset, but he does say that he hopes we get a divorce, because then there will be more money for him and he wouldn't have to share a room. Which he isn't wanting for anything now so I dont know why he says this.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I suggest you guys go take a Love and Logic class together. I hope it helps both of you see what needs to happen for consequences.

Sneaking out is a serious issue. Getting severely punished (more than he gets for sneaking out) for not doing the dishes seems too much. You guys may both need to come together and compromise more.

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G.D.

answers from Detroit on

Blended families take a lot of work, but then all relationships (in life) need work.
Yes, it can get better. But you have to present a united front. If this were in my house I would get a sitter for the other kids and sit down with hubby and step son. Wed hash out our concerns and brainstorm ways we could all change (ie our approach, his sullenness). My SD was starting to pull this and stopped when I started coaching her soccer team-it was positive alone time for the two of us. Her mom is in and out and currently came back in after a year of court ordered no parenting time. Mom was ordered to take her to counseling and didn't. So, we enrolled her. She's handling it a little better this time because she sees the effort we put in.
Good luck! Your family is worth working for!

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

My daughter didn't see the need for counseling for herself but was willing to have her teen daughter to go. Over the past year the counselor has been able to gain my daughter's trust and begin helping her with parenting skills.

Perhaps your husband would be willing for you and/or your son to have therapy. Then the therapist would help you get him involved.

I also highly recommend Love and Logic. It's possible, because of the positive way the program teaches about how consequences benefit the child your husband may be able to accept it. I took a class and went away feeling I had ways to parent better without feeling guilty about what I had been doing. The focus is on how to help the child and not on what you've done wrong.

After your SWH: I suggest the difficulty you're having with your son is not your relationship with him or his with you. It's the differences in the way your husband treats him and the way you treat him. Teens are very good manipulators. He has become between you and your husband so that the two of you "battle" each other instead of working together to parent him. His saying he wants you to divorce is part of the manipulation.

I suggest you and your husband get counselling together before you put him in counseling. You must have a united front before he can change.

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K.F.

answers from New York on

Parenting is a team effort. I agree with others, parenting classes are the way to go. Perhaps even counseling. In our home we don't let the inmates run the asylum. No amount of manipulation gets them their own way.

You don't have a united front in your home and this will tear your home and marriage apart. You can't raise kids from a guilty mindset. This will not get better unless his father gets better.

You have to figure out how to effectively communicate with your husband about your stepson without having your husband shut down or your step son manipulate the conversation. I neutral third party will help. Get counseling. This should be non negotiable. Get it for yourself even if he won't go this may be able to help you navigate your step son through these murky waters.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

S.,

You and your husband need to learn to communicate and parent TOGETHER!!! If you aren't on the same page? It will NOT get better.

You need marriage and family counseling.

Your step-son's behavior is unacceptable. Your husband's response to cave is NOT helping and is NOT acceptable either.

You say you spend time with him - what do you do? Do you communicate with him? What's going on when you are together???

It will NOT get better until BOTH you and your husband are on the same page and co-parent TOGETHER....his son has you pitted against each other and is using guilt and manipulation to get his way. It needs to stop. NOW.

find a family counselor and find a marriage counselor.

good luck!

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C.S.

answers from Miami on

Not unless you take steps to make it better. I agree with the others about taking a parenting class. We had no other children and still needed one as my husband doesn't read as much as I do about parenting. Honestly, who knows how to be a parent before they have kids? When you look for a parenting class make sure you pick one that specifically deals with bio and step children. Tell your husband that the parenting class will be a date night for the two of you - hopefully that will help your communication and marriage as well.

Also, if your husband has legally adopted your three children - keep in mind he will have custody rights if you divorce same as a bio father would have custody rights.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

That sounds so hard. It sounds like you are a great mom/stepmom. Deep down inside your stepson knows you love him and he is using his kid brain to try to manipulate you and his dad. One day he will mature...but for some guys it takes till they are 30! You don't say if your stepson is in counseling. That is what I suggest because it has been really helpful for my son. Find a good child therapist who specializes in issues such as blended families and have your stepson go see this person weekly. My son's therapist is great about communicating with me...we send each other long emails or she will meet with me one on one. She really has been a great part of our "team" and she has been really helpful. It sounds like your husband could use his own therapist as well, honestly. Being a parent is such a thankless job. And kids, especially some kids, are masters of manipulation. You and your husband should be a team and totally on the same page with this boy...both of you working together being loving but firm with him. You just do your best as a parent and ultimately you can't really control what kind of person your child is...they have to make their own decisions in the end. Sorry I have no advice on HOW you get your husband on the same page as you. The fact that he goes lighter on his son is showing his son that his antics are working. It just probably makes him even more impossible to deal with. It's a cycle.

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M.J.

answers from Sacramento on

What about taking a parenting class together, something like Love & Logic? You could mention your kids are all at critical ages and it would be good to get some tips you can apply to all of the kids to get them through the teen years with less drama. If you're following the same program, it will be a whole lot easier to be on the same page (also, something like Love & Logic will talk a lot about typical things parents do wrong and he may recognize himself in some of the examples).

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Family counseling, stat. You really need a 3rd party to get your husband to see that by indulging in his own guilt and worry, he is harming his son in the long term. He won't hear the message coming from you, he has to hear it from someone else. A family counselor can work you, your husband, and your step-son, who sounds like he has some issues with acting out, testing boundaries, risk taking and other negative behaviors that need to be nipped in the bud now.

We have a blended family - my oldest son and step-daughter are both 16 and our kids together are 10 & 8. Without a third party to help us, any conversations about "his" kid and "my" kid are heated and unproductive.

Don't give up on your marriage or this boy - he needs the balanced vision that you bring to your family.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

To echo the others: you need a united front.

If your husband is afraid to mete out discipline, your (step)son will sense it and use it to his advantage. Your husband has to stop being afraid of what his son is going to do. Kids sense these things like a shark senses blood.

Kids can get really nasty at that age if allowed to. As the others said, maybe counseling or some training for your husband so he can quit feeling guilty and learn to be firm.

It's highly unlikely that your son is going to want to go live in a different home with a mother he hasn't seen for four years. Your husband needs to stop being scared. Even if son goes to live with mom, it's not the worst thing. Sometimes kids need to do move out to be able to appreciate what they have.

Good luck!

p.s. Barring drug addictions, most of it gets better as they get older. Nineteen or twenty usually brings big changes.

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O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would suggest posting a list of house rules and consequences for breaking each O.. Then apply equally to all kids.
No leeway, no guesswork.

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C.D.

answers from Atlanta on

I'm sure you have some very good responses here.

Why would you even consider getting a divorce because of him? Have you considered or thought about it in the back of your mind? If I had a good marriage and or a marriage worthy of keeping I wouldn't even think to let someone/anyone make me divorce. So I wonder if you're not thinking something beyond this or why you'd be so willing to drop your marriage.

Anyway, obviously this is a big problem. And it didn't just start now, this has been building up and so you must realize this when making your decisions about how to handle it. He obviously needs a sense of peace as do you all. Your other children will be deeply affected by his behavior. And that's something to keep in mind. Have you treated him as a son? He does not need to be a bio son to be treated as one. He should have been treated this way from the start.

Your husband is making a very big mistake to fear him in any way, shape or form. It's too bad his mother has left him and does as she pleases. I've seen this before and it never works out to well. He's better off without her yet your husband cannot put his whole family in jepordy because he's afraid his son will go off with his mother. This will not get better without a lot of prayer, a lot of help and a lot of working together for the good of him and the family.

Do not allow one person, especially a child rule the household. Perhaps your husband should begin with a heart to heart with him off and away from everyone else. And you'll khave to start acting like a mother, although it's probably too little too late. I'm sure he'd feel that way. But people can change when desire for it is their motive.

There is much more here than meets the eye. You say there is family time and all, but he doesn't feel included. Also, it is very painful for him about his mother and that's why she should not be allowed in his life. If he wants her in his life tell him to wait till he's adult and they he can deal with as he sees fit. You two need to be bold enough to think beyond the box with this. Get help if you need it.

R.X.

answers from Houston on

It may not get better. I say that because from ages 6-15, your bond should be better by now.

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D.H.

answers from Louisville on

This might not be nice, but toss this out to him when he spouts off about if you weren't there that there would be more money for him... child support -and his father would be paying it to you.

(I know - shock factor - but sometimes teens have a very skewed view of things)

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