Teen Daughter Mom Was 40 at Her Birth

She can't side you against each other unless you let her. You and husband need to talk and get on the same page. Decide how you are going to respond to her and then both of you stick to it. Calmly give her a one sentence response, that both of you agree with.

Teenagers can be exhausting, but two parents on the same page can tame them pretty quickly and easily.

this is far less about your age (or hers) and much more about you and your husband's willingness to be divided and conquered. unfortunately the time to show co-parenting skills and firmness is now largely past. if you don't raise them with respect, courtesy and boundaries it's very hard to impose them in the teenage years when the child is naturally and correctly trying to separate from you and learn independence.
i suggest family counseling.
khairete
S.

This is not about age. I was about your age when I had my one child, and my husband is older than I. A friend of mine was 47 when she found herself inexplicably pregnant with her first child.

If you and your husband are on the same page, she can't pit you against each other. But it doesn't sound like you are.

A teen's "job" is to start experimenting with independence. That means rejection of existing authority figures. Your job is not to give in because you don't feel like arguing.

Get family counseling. Learn to negotiate sensibly with your teen. Maybe some of your restrictions are excessive, maybe not. Maybe she is defiant, maybe she is just bristling at too much control, maybe some of both.

The more respectful and accomplished she is with whatever you demand of her (school work, chores, notifying you where she is, etc.),the more freedoms she gets. You really hold more cards than you think. You pay the bills, control the car keys (for rides or for a teen driver), and have some say over the financing of college. So go to counseling, find out why you don't have a backbone, and find out why your marriage is crumbling to the point that you don't have sex or speak to each other. That's the root of the problem.

It's hard when menopause and puberty butt heads but it happens.
Basically - the adults control the money and you have the ability to say 'No' and mean it.
It's not about winning arguments - you pick your battles and decide which hill you are prepared to die on.
If she wants rainbow colored hair - who cares? Hair grows out and the color won't always be like that.
If she wants to break the law - don't bail her out - let her deal with the consequences of her choices.
I'm 53, Hubby is 50 and our son is 16.
Fortunately he's pretty easy going as teens go.
But there are times when everyone is grinding their teeth.

As for Hubby - you adults need to get out and go on dates with each other again.
You also need to close ranks and make a united front in your parenting.
She shouldn't be ABLE to play the adults against each other.
You need to reconnect - because in a few years your teen will (or should be) out on her own and you'll be in the post active parenting stage.
Sometimes an empty nest can be a blessing!

Age aside, sounds like you've lost control for now. By teen years, kids are too old to physically control anyway, so since talking, mutual respect, and restrictions placed verbally are all you have as discipline options regardless for teens, being younger wouldn't help you with this. So cross that off your list of reasons for this happening. You can't change your age, so that's pointless. My grandma was 42 when she gave birth to my dad who was raised strictly and was very respectful under standard 1950's style parenting. He took over caring for her when his dad died and he was a young teen, went on to Harvard, and cared for her until she died. You have to put your foot down and stop tolerating the disrespect. By tolerating, I mean allowing her to live comfortably and in luxury while she acts that way. What has her discipline been up 'til now for complaining about you and pitting you against each other? I've seen some great discipline tactics for teens doled calmly on that show World's Strictest Parents, you can stream free episodes on youtube and cmt. It's nice to see how the adults relate to teens who are totally out of control and actually get through to them for the greater good by breaking past the built-up resentment on both sides.

I just read your other question-- go get counseling now.

I'm an 'older' mom too. Blaming our age is not going to help. Family counseling will. It sounds like you are all out of control on this and it will end badly if you continue not to discipline, to react instead of respond, and if you are only putting out fires with the view of 'what do I need in this moment?' and appeasing her instead of asking "what does SHE need over her life to become a decent, healthy adult?" and making harder choices.

What I mean by this is what I see so often in families: parents make bad decisions in order to attain what is at best a momentary peace. They give up the stronger, harder lesson in having to sit with an uncomfortable or unpleasant moment so that the child learns the world does not revolve around them and that there are consequences (good and bad) for their actions. Age and energy have nothing to do with being able to do this-- internal strength and fortitude are what's required. Sacrificing the short-term illusion of peace is required to develop that maturity that she should be showing by this age.

Counseling, for all of you, now, before she becomes an adult who has a hard time dealing with the real world.

Welcome to the teen years!!!!

Is has NOTHING to do with you being 40 and 55 when she was born, NOTHING to do with her being an only, and EVERYTHING to do with normal teen hormones and attitude.

We all go through it in some form or another, some easier, some much worse.

We have an only daughter, 20, and I can say that we had mild teen issues and right now she is living in her own place going to college and things could not be better. I never imagined our relationship like it is now.. I only dreamed of it. Like I said, we did not have horrible issues with her personally during the teen years but we did go through a lot of drama. Things do get better.

My advice is to always let her know you love her and you are there for her unconditionally. Listen to her and communicate with her.. mostly listening to her vent. Even if you feel like you hate her right now which you really don't, do not give up on your relationship with her. She needs you more than anything right now... she just does not understand how to show it without coming across as needy to you.

If you feel like things are out of control, then please find a counselor for her to talk with so she can get through her feelings. If you don't have an open relationship as far as communication, she could be holding something in that she prefers not to talk to you about. Hence, the counselor is a God send.

There is nothing wrong with her or your family if you choose to go talk to a professional. Please go before it does drive a wedge between you and your hubby because it will do that if you are not on top of things.

The fact that you and your hubby are drawn apart right now is a huge indicator that you need to speak with a professional.

One priority we had from the time daughter was born was weekly date night. Even if it was just an hour, it was an hour that it was completely US and conversation was based on what we like to do, etc and steered away from parenting during date nights.

Best wishes to you and please find a counselor to guide you through this step of parenting and your relationship with your husband.

Wow, your name changed while I was typing my response.

Please read The Conscious Parent. And then get some parenting help for you and your husband.

JG,

I read and responded to your other post, so won't repeat everything here except to say this isn't about age. It's about an unhealthy family dynamic.
Please seek out a therapist and make it your goal to have an appointment set by the end of the week. Not an appointment by the end of the week, just one scheduled. Despite feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by your situation, you are NOT helpless, and things can and will change if you make the commitment to doing things differently. An experienced therapist will help you to do this, but the first step is making the call.

Best to you and your family

J. F.

Yeah, I was 36 when my second was born. Not that much younger than you. This isn't about your age. It's about hers. And if you're that wiped out, then you need to boost your health. You signed on for this job for the long haul. Don't blame YOUR age, learn to deal with HER age! Teen years are tough.

i was 37 when I had my daughter, and 40 when I had my son. Age is just a number.

Children, of any age, need to be told no when appropriate. They need to now their parents will always be there no matter what. They need to know we will outlast them - even if we're tired.

My daughter dealt with soem serious mental health issues when she was 14 - 17 and there were times I had to sty with her through the night to keep her safe. One night I told her there's nothing you can do to make me not love you. I will outlast you. No matter how bad a day you're having, no matter waht happens with friends, school, work or anything else I will be there. I will not support your bad choices, I will not condone things that are not good for you. But I will always be here to help you get back up, dust yourself off and start over. And I would travel to the ends of the earth to pluck you out of a bad situation and get you back on track. So no matter what's happened, or where you are, or what you've done I will always love you. That night she seemed to exhale this deep long held breath and took on this sense of relief.

Our kids need us to be the adults. We need to side with our spouse even if, at the moment we don't agree with our spouse. Disagree in private. plan and plot about her in private. And if you can't do it then get counseling. When our daughter was going through her issues we went to a counselor to help us figure out how to parent her. My father was gone by the time I was 12, my husband's parents were abusvie and neglectful - so we needed lessons! It is worth the investment of time & treasure and your child will be a better adjusted adult as a result.

And this is exactly WHY I don't reason with children. They get into the habit of arguing back and it continues and as they get older it gets more and more exhausting.

I don't think age has anything to do with it other than at 40 you are more lenient and patient which, as you can see, isn't always better.

They say that if your teen doesn't like you, you are probably doing things right. I don't understand though why you and hubby aren't having sex; if you're fighting with her and not each other, I don't see the connection to sex.

If you recognize that she plays one against the other, then put house rules in place that won't allow for that. First rule, she cannot ask one parent for permission to do something and when she's told no, go to the other parent. Both parents must agree that when she comes to you asking for permission, the FIRST question you ask is "did you already ask (dad)(mom)? If so, then the answer the first parent gave stands. Period. Even if you don't agree. You have that conversation in the privacy of your own room where she cannot hear you.