Defiant Twelve-Year Old Son

Sounds to me like you son is a very typical 12 yr old boy! On occassion my son still acts like that! Your son is becoming a teenager! You need to decide where you will pick your battles with him from now on.

Using your own example; would it have been so awful for him to shower at his dad's? Let me give you my own example; I believe boys should look like boys and that includes hair cuts but my son has his hair just past his shoulders. On the other hand, I don't care that his friends get PAID (allowance) for being a member of the family and doing their part (2 chores). But my son will get something (depends on cooperation) for doing EXTRA chores.

The easiest way to handle most situations is to give options when they are available. Or better yet put the situation into his lap as far as what he really wants as a consequence because of his actions/inactions. His room will be the biggest issue for you. If he has a door that can be shut, use it often!

Using your example again; "Son, please go take your shower now since you will be leaving for your dad's soon." He smarts off or ignores you. You say to him, "It's really not an issue for me if you don't but it may mess up YOUR time with your dad. On second thought, don't take a shower." That's one way and another way is; "Son, please go take your shower now since you will be leaving for your dad's soon." He smarts off or ignores you. You say to him, "I don't mind if you don't but I wonder what your dad will say when he sees you?"

I'm thinking that your house is the primary with your ex's as the secondary placement, right? If you and your ex were still married, your son would be acting this same way with him. All too soon your son will be acting awful to his dad just like with you.

Pick your battles, let things slide if you can, come up with alternatives before hand and most importantly, being able to shrug your shoulders at your son instead of raising your voice on occassion. My son and I will have our "screamfest", as we call them, but after we both are calmed down, we talk and get the situation figured out to both our likings. They don't happen as much as they used to and that's because of our talks afterwards. We try to do the talking ahead of time and skip the "screamfest" all together.

Basically, know you are not alone! I don't want to scare you but girls are much worse. My daughter and I went thru some awful, dreadful even horrible times when she was 12 yrs old til 19. Girls tend to be overly dramatic (I will just DIE if ... fill in the blanks), where as boys are plain defiant.

Hi K.,

I have had that situation as my boys grew older...a few times. I'm a mother of ten, five girls and five boys...they are 25 yrs. old down to almost 5. It's called testing your authority...so you're right. It's called men have a deeper voice and all than we women; so your ex really needs to see that your son knows he MUST obey you ("Honor your father AND your mother that you days may be long upon the earth" is one good incentive). If you're a Christian, Ephesians 6:1 is foundational....sounds like you've laid a good foundation tho' and your son is heading into his teens....maybe is taller than you now and is testing everything.

So...no you're not a bad parent...your son has just hit his teens, etc.

Rather than a "family" meeting...how about just taking him out to supper just the two of you and you talk to him and draw him out as to what he's thinking when he's fighting against you like that? Maybe good old communication will help without the pressure of a "Mom versus son" cenario. Or take him bowling or something he enjoys...just the two of you. I always like "A wise man (or woman) draws water from a deep well." meaning draws what he really is thinking and desiring out of him verbally.

Maybe it'll take a weekly time together for a month or two or more...is that possible? worth it?

Let me know how it goes, okay?

B. in Eau Claire, WI

I think you need to sit down for a family meeting including your ex. Your ex needs to make it clear that you and him are in agreement on things. That your son should not be treating you any different than he treats his dad. And if he does, any punishment will carry over from house to house. Do you give a little low down on the kids before they change houses? Maybe you should have a quick 5 minute update, or at least write it down if time is a problem. Maybe if he sees that what happens at mom's affects what happens at dad's, he will realize he can't get away with stuff.
I know when my parents divorced, we kinda did the same thing. My parents hardly ever talked. So we realized we could do things differently at each house. You just need to make very clear, and occasionally remind, that you are still co-alies when it comes to raising the kids.

Hi K.,
It's starting - - the teen years! Hooray! I think you've gotten great responses on dealing with that piece so I won't comment. Know that developmentally, 12 year olds are very smelly :). I couldn't believe this when we went through it with my daughter but they get through it. She wouldn't shower, would wear dirty clothes - yuck! Now she's in the bathroom for hours at a time!

The piece that I would like to suggest is in regard to the way you and your ex husband continue to deal with issues together. It doesn't sound from your post as if he is remarried either (??) or like he has other children with another wife (??). I congratulate you for being amicable after a divorce - that's a hard one.

Here is the "however": Your children (I say children because that 8 year old is not going to be too far behind him :) ) may not respect your authority because you don't have any without your ex involved. You said in your post that you got frustrated and called him. He isn't your husband anymore and it may be VERY confusing and promote some anger with your children that you got divorced yet they still see you "married" when you pick and choose.

My suggestion would be for you to withdraw from using your ex as your sounding board or "backup" when dealing with issues with your children. I sympathize with the fact that you don't have family but maybe one of your friends can act in that role for you. NOT because your ex husband has done anything wrong but just because you need to exert your independance and authority as a single parent.

I wonder about your comment that you don't see yourself as a single parent because, in reality, you are. Are you holding out hope for reconciliation? If so, than you should be overtly working toward that with your ex husband instead of using parenting dilemnas for closeness with him. That sounds a little harsh but I want you to wonder about it too.

I made a similar mistake with my daughter's father. In our case, once he remarried and had children, he was less available to me and I was left with no authority of my own. I will also admit that, although I didn't want him back, I felt betrayed again by him even though he was my EX husband. Silly but we do silly things.

You are going to need ALOT of support as you are entering teen years with 2 children on your own. HOWEVER, I would challenge you to allow your children to see YOUR authority and self-worth so that they are allowed to learn to respect YOU. Working with their father on any issues that don't involve the biggies (sex, drugs, alcohol etc.) is sending them a confusing message. Talk to your friends and lay out a plan with them so that you are confident you have backup when you need it without having to go to him.

Again, I am not indicating that he is bad. I am just bringing to focus that you are divorced and aren't co-parenting in the manner of married people anymore. If you have to work certain things out together, do so in a business-like manner without the children involved. I just wonder if you are unintentionally sending them a mixed message. Since kids can't externalize and articulate their internal feelings that well, they are going to communicate it through rebellion and other lovely forms of anger.

NOT saying I'm right but just wonder about it. Maybe there's a half a piece in there somewhere that makes sense :). Good luck to you and, you are NOT a bad parent.

K.,
Guess what you have a pre-teen! My son is 11, and boy does he have his days. I often have to repeat myself, and I become fustrated at his choices. I just make sure that there is consqences for his behavior, I take away previlges, after I warn him, then I follow thru with it. maybe he doesn't look at you like a authority figure, but he knows Dad means business. I think he needs to understand that you mean business as well, meaning that if he starts mouthing off, or not listening then you need to be the one to set some rules and guidlines. Follow thru and be consistent, and by all means you might feel like the "Bad" guy, but you are not a "Bad" parent! All kids need positive guidence.

Your not a bad parent I think it's great you work things out with your ex so nicely for the kids. My daughter used to see her dad but no longer does and she would do the same things at age 3 and age 4 listen to Dad just fine but be a complete stinker to mom. Kids know were the more nuturing compasionate one usually compared to the men so they try and "test" us. Is mom really gonna follow through with punishment etc? Just be CONSISTANT and have consequences. At age 12 I would think you should only have to tell him to do something ONCE and no if's or butt's about it. Maybe if he doesn't listen after the first time he needs a punishment or some sort or loose a privelage. He probaly knows it's a game now Mom can't make me and has to call dad. Just show him your the boss and at mom's house things don't change.

One thing that I notice in my own home is that my DH is more consistant in his punishments than I am. I tend to yell at them and think they'll listen so that I don't have to punish them. He just tells them and if they don't listen they get in trouble. Is you ex that way? Does he give them a ton of chances or does he follow through? Could you say, take a shower or you'll be grounded from your ____ when you get home? And follow through with it when he gets home. I just read the book "ScreamFree Parenting" and it's awesome. It tells you how to be consistant and that you can handle things calmly and still be successful.
Good luck,
J.

Not that I think your son is difficult, but I have recently found many many answers in the "nutured heart approach". Google it. There is a book that spurred this movement. 'Transforming the difficult child'.

Drama Mama L-
I totally saved your advice. (Awesome advice.)
Thank You! I about 11 years before I get there- but I LOVED the sentances you gave.