Acquaintance Mom Lost Baby at 38 Wks-- Need Advice

I would say and do nothing.
Because, something like that is very hard.
My friend lost a baby late term.
I didn't even know.
I had not seen her in awhile etc.
And it is a very private ordeal.
One day I saw her, and then she told me.
But she had been under the radar, until then.
Understandably.

Getting "attention" about it, may or will just make it harder... why? Because, each time a person may say something about it, even if nice, it will just make her go through all of those emotions again and about what happened and the sequence of events that led up to it.

I had a miscarriage once. But it was at 6 weeks.
But, I DID NOT want to tell anyone. Nor have anyone ask me about it... because, each time a person asked me about it and told me their story about it... it took a LOT out of me and I then had to tell each person what happened, yes I'm sad, and live through all of that... again and again.
Grief, is a private thing.
And at least for me, each time someone even out of kindness said something to me, it just made me sadder and my own "recovery" about it, was then dragged back to square one. Again. And I had to relive everything, again.
My Husband didn't even like to think about it. He was very sad as well. But he didn't show it.

You can just give her a hug. And she will know why.
No words have to be exchanged.
Just a silent heartfelt, hug.
If that.
Because as you said, she is an acquaintance. Not a BFF.
... if someone told me "I heard what happened....." to me when I had my miscarriage, I would not feel good about that. It means, the gossip vine is telling "her" story all over the place. And that is not stress a person needs.

Anyway, that is just my own personal feelings.

I agree with concrete help being the best thing you can do. When a friend was sick last year, one of her mom friends took it upon herself to make an extra lunch for her daughter every day. That was so helpful! It wasn't a huge thing, but it was one less thing to worry about in a trying time. Is there anything like that you could do for them?

After going through a difficult medical situation recently, I can say that the best offer you can make is a direct one. A lot of people make vague, "If there's anything you need, call me" comments, but the most helpful ones were, "I would be happy to babysit your daughter any time you need to deal with doctor's appointments with your son." Concrete help. Whatever you do, don't ignore the situation. Reach out, because in dark times, we all need support, even from acquaintances.

I would say in the card how sorry you were to hear of their loss and then offer a specific example of how you'd like to help. Since your kids are close in age, perhaps offer to watch hers on days when she just needs some time to herself to cope with the loss.

**ETA**
I fullheartedly, 100% disagree with SH.
Pretending it never happened, not acknowledging a mother's loss, comes across as hurtful. A lot of us in the Baby Loss Community have lost very significant relationships (both friendship and family) because of people ignoring the fact that our children existed. As tragic as miscarriage is, there is a HUGE difference between losing a child at 6 weeks and full term. HUGE. (This is not to diminish your pain of losing a child to miscarriage, because it is still a difficult thing to go through)

**ORIGINAL ANSWER**
As a mom who has an angel baby, I will say, PLEASE, PLEASE acknowledge her daughter. You sound like you truly want to help, so please do! She is going to need people to be there for her!

Late term infant death and stillbirth is a terrifying subject for most people. No one knows how to handle it. Unfortunately, it has translated into "lets not talk about it because it's uncomfortable" and that makes the parents who lost their child feel like no one cared about their baby. It is a horrible, gut wrenching loss. The parents are mourning a child that they never got to go through life with, but make no mistake, this child DOES matter! They will forever be "parents of three, raising two".

Send a card, reach out, bring food, whatever you can do. Offering an ear and a shoulder and to be a real friend does wonders right now, because unfortunately, a lot of their friends will be nowhere to be found because they simply can't handle it. Let them talk about their daughter, let them mourn her, and don't expect them to just "move on". You don't just "move on" from the death of a child.

When we lost our daughter (full term, died in childbirth) two and a half years ago, no one wanted to talk about it. Anytime we tried to talk about her people got quiet and diverted their eyes and excused themselves from the room because we were talking about "the dead baby" again. It's something that just SHOULDN'T happen, and a lot of people just can't handle it.

Also, if they have pictures of her and they are willing to share them with you, let them. When an older child dies, parents have pictures of them throughout their life. When a baby dies in childbirth or is still born, parents have very little options in how to remember what their child looks like. It can be hard to look at the photos sometimes, but as parents who are mourning, sometimes we just want someone to say "She was so beautiful".

I would keep it simple, and just tell her that you heard what happened, and that you are very sorry for her loss. Then, offer to have her boys play at your house, and then you could bring them to soccer practice for her. I'm sure help with these daily tasks is the best support you could offer her right now.

I think you are very sweet and perceptive to acknowledge that it might be hard for her to see you with your baby. I would say that for that, you should carry on as normal but know that if she keeps her distance at practice, it's for that reason.

Definitely send the card, and include your phone number and e-mail address. Just write the normal sympathy card stuff (we're so sorry for you loss) and if possible, offer to have her boys come over some afternoon to play if she needs some time to rest.

ETA I have to gently disagree with SH. There is a difference between an early loss and a late-term loss or still birth or loss of an infant. With the latter situation, everyone knows about the pregnancy and to not acknowledge the loss would be awkward especially given the relationship here where the two moms are living parallel lives and have talked and shared so much about pregnancy and children. One thing I've heard from friends who had late losses was that the most painful thing was for people to pretend that nothing happened. They just lost a child and people were afraid to acknowledge it. I agree that for an early loss I would want to keep that to myself and try to grieve in private but there is nothing private about being 9 months pregnant.

My best advice, is to go over to her house as soon as you are able or call her and tell her how very sorry you are. This happened to me-and most people didn't have the guts to call me-except one person-the man I would later introduce to my best friend-they have been married for 20 some years. What a kind gesture-I had not yet met him at that time; he was a friend of my husbands. Weeks later, at a gathering at someone's home, a woman told me that she knew how I felt because she had just lost her dog. Others said they were waiting to see me to tell me how sorry they were. My neighbor, whom I barely knew, came over and got a shopping list and did my grocery shopping. I was in shock for about 7 weeks and did not know what day it was. Were it not for the fact that I had two little children at home, I would have probably never made it. In my hysteria, I refused blood, though I was hemorrhaging-I later thought about how selfish that was-but I wanted to die to be out of the pain. I took something to keep the milk from coming in-but it did anyway. I called my doctor at home on a Sunday morning to get a refill-he was wonderful. His colleague was at the hospital the night I lost my little son; that doctor had lost his daughter, six months before to cancer. He called my doctor and told him to come in because he could not take my pain and his. Years would go by and I would visit the grave-thinking I would be okay-and collapsing in a heap as though it had just happened. Just try to go over to her house-I'm sure she needs you. God bless.

There's never a "good enough" answer for this. It's that kind of sad situation.

You might write in your card what you've said here - that you haven't experienced this so you can't honestly understand what she's going through - but that you're so sorry, and that you're there for her if she needs anything. (Of course, then you have to be.) It could be that the best comfort to offer is caring and saying so. Does this woman live near you? Can you take her some food to freeze for family meals? Can you help her out with transportation for her children, if she needs it?

When you do see her, from now on, ask her how things are going and if there's anything you can do for her. If she will need you, it may be in a few weeks or even months, when her relatives have gone back home and her friends have gone on with their own lives.

Are you a good listener? If you are the sort of person who can listen and empathize without needing to give advice, tell their own stories, or "fix" things, she might need you some time.

I think you have to acknowledge her loss. You discussed this much wanted baby with her. It would be bizarre and hurtful if you didn't say anything. If you didn't hear it through the grapevine, the next time you saw her you would certainly ask her how her baby was doing. Having a still birth is nothing like having a miscarriage IMO (I had both...a miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks and lost my son when he was 17 days old). Send the sympathy card you kindly bought her. Tell her there are no words to express your sadness over their loss and that your heart is broken. It would also be nice if you could send a meal to the family or a gift card to a restaurant. After my son died it was completely overwhelming for me to have to think about dinner. Fortunately, we were able to afford going out and we went out nearly very night for about a year. I probably wouldn't offer my phone number simply because you haven't exchanged numbers before and you have known her for some time. (JMO but I think you should sign the card from you and your husband. Although I was grateful to receive every sympathy card sent to me, it still stung a little when people signed everyone of their kids names. It is 12 years since my son's death and it still stings a little when I send out Christmas cards because I can't sign my son's name).

I also suggest you buy her book about stillbirths and early infant death. (Read the book before giving it to her and tell her you read it. She will probably be very touched you made the effort to understand what she is going through.) It is such an isolating thing and reading others stories made me feel less alone. I have since given books to others that have had death of a spouse, death of a sibling and death of a child and everyone greatly appreciated the books and passed them on.

Two of my cousins gave birth to boys within months of me loosing my son. I was only happy for them. Don't assume seeing you or your daughter will be too hard for her. Perhaps it will, but maybe not. If I were you I would get to the game or practice early so she can decide if she wants to sit with you or not.

I lost mine at 28 weeks. Two of my Sister in laws just had their babies and it was very hard seeing that. Every baby commercial was hard breaking and it seemed like there were preggo moms every where I turned. Please dont say ur young and you'll have another, I wanted that one. Please dont say, nothing religious or it was meant to be.If you do see her, just give her a hug and say, Im sorry to hear what happened. From there she should be reaching out for comfort. By all means try to find her.

Absolutely send the card, and offer to take her boys for play dates, or take her kids to soccer for her. Put in your phone number, but don't push her because she may not be ready to talk about it.

Often women who lose a baby this late will post an obituary. I have 2 friends who did so, and in the obit, both asked for donations to the local Children's hospital in memory of their baby in lieu of flowers - you could also keep an eye out for something like this.

Ask the teacher that gave you the information about this. See if she can give you their address. Then send the family a condolence card from your family.

That is all you need to do. Do not over think this.

You need to treat the birth of your child just as normal as possible. You will not be flaunting your baby to have the baby as usual with you at events where this family may be.

I am going to assume, she will be dealing with a lot of babies and her feelings. Let he mourn in a natural way. No one should be tip toe around her. I am sure she would hate that type of attention.

Send her a sympathy note and follow her lead. You might include your number in the card and offer to take her older boys for a playdate or carpool to soccer.

When friends lost their third 2nd trimester baby in a row, DD was less than a year old. At an event we were both at, my friend sat down and asked to hold DD. She hugged DD and a tear ran down her face, but I think she needed to see a baby and feel like there was still hope. She is a very open person and talked openly about the losses. A few months later they figured it out and she had her own DD. But there are other people who just need a quiet place for a while. Another friend of mine lost her son and asked for people to just pretend she was never pregnant for a while. Slowly she has come around to talking about him, but it had to be on her time. I was just the ear, whenever she needed it. So make an offer if you can help her. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is important.

You can send a card through the school. In a note, just tell her not to hesitate if she needs anything - and ask if you can take her kids for play dates, drive them anywhere and give your number. It's nice to have options - especially after a few weeks when you are still sad and tired and have pulled in so many favors from so many people.

Does your school have a student directory with phone numbers, addresses and emails? All of the schools my kids have ever attended had contact addresses. Also, all of our sporting teams had roosters with contact info. Surely from all the parties and events the two of you attended, you must know someone who could share their address with you? Absolutely send the card, make a donation, offer to keep the boys (they obviously know and like one another) or take to soccer practice, deliver dinner or send gift certificate to a restaurant. Or any other nice gesture to be helpful and to show you care. I'm sure it would be much appreciated. Just do it!

Send the card, and include your phone number. Since her boys know you from practice ask if you can take them on specific day to give her some time to herself. She needs to heal physically and spiritually. I would be specific though. If you leave it open (I would like to have the boys over sometime) she may feel awkward calling to set it up. Offer to come pick her son up for soccer practice as well.

I have not lost a child that late. But I do know that people who have lost a child or loved one usually say that people with good intentions often don't mention the child because they don't want to bring it up. But the grieving parent is already thinking about it all the time, so don't feel like you are opening a wound. It is still wide open. Just offer sympathy and an open ear - with no advice or related stories. - just listen.

I agree with a heartfelt hug and condolences when you see her next and the offer of a playdate with your phone number in the card.
I can't even imagine what that is like.

Well, think about it. If her little boy had blurted in class, she probably wouldn't have personally told you. If I lost a baby, it's not something I would want everyone talking to me about. I would not expect (or even want) someone who doesn't even have my email address, to approach me about this. I think you have to ask yourself, if she even truly wanted you to know right now. If you want to send a sympathy card, I think that would OK. However, I would not offer anything else, because you don't even know if you are supposed to be personally involved or aware of this information. You did not receive this information from her, her family, her friends. They did not tell you. A little boy who doesn't get it, told the story to his class. It does NOT seem you were supposed to be privy to this information right now. A card, only.

I know the first reaction, is to offer something, or a sympathetic gesture. It's a terrible thing she is going through, and of course you feel badly for her. However, you weren't told by anyone of personal importance, so I don't think you should involve yourself too much. It's too personal and painful of a time, to have people you didn't tell, getting involved. IMO

My sister gave a gift card for a massage (a lady we use who comes to your home to give the massage) to an acquaintance who lost a full-term baby (and then another full-term baby exactly 1 year later that died 4 hours after she was born -- too much tragedy for one family!) I was worried it would come across that my sister was trying to take away the pain of losing a child with a simple massage, as if that could fix everything, but the mother was very grateful. She was extremely appreciative and has since told my sister that she was one of the people who made the biggest difference during her grief because of all the love and support she offered her. In additon to the massage gift card my sister sent her many empathetic and caring messages in response to blog updates she posted when most people were silent because her anger and grief made them feel awkward. Every year on the anniversary of the deaths my sister donates money to a milk bank (the same bank the mother donated her breastmilk to after her babies died) in honor of the angel babies and sends the mom a message letting her know she's thinking of her.

In my experience, ambiguously offering to help someone in need (watch kids, dinner, etc) doesn't ever result in much. They never call and say, "Hey, can you make me dinner tomorrow?" Maybe it is uncomfortable to ask, or maybe they are too heartbroken to think straight and organize the help they need. So I give very specific offers. After already mentioning it in the sympathy card or in person, I will follow up with a text or email saying "I would love to bring you a meal and have your children over to play next week. When is a good day for me to do that, and do you have any allergies/dislikes?" I get it on the calendar and make it happen. Even better is to contact someone who is arranging all of this for them, if there is such a person. Sometimes there's nothing we can really say but "I'm so sorry for your loss." And hopefully that and expressing love is meaningful in some way. My husband's teenage cousin died and we hadn't seen the aunt in years, but he went to the funeral and I sent money (to help cover funeral expenses) with a heartfelt card. I just said I can't imagine or even pretend to understand the pain, but that I was heartbroken for her and that she was constantly in my thoughts. I was worried it would be weird that we came out of nowhere, but she has been so gracious and appreciative and friended me on Facebook as a result. Whenever I think of her, I make sure to message her that I'm thinking of her and sending love her way.

I like your idea of giving her your number so that she can talk, and giving them a card. When my friend lost his wife, he said the person he appreciated the most just offered to sit with him and listen. They didn't give advice, just listened and comforted. The food and babysitting and cleaning were nice, but the listening ear was the best. It is kind of you to be concerned about her.