Dealing with Infant Death

I am so sorry to hear this news! Send her flowers, make a donation, make meals (she may not feel like going out). She may not want anyone around, but maybe she would like someone to talk to and cry with, so keep in contact. Let her know you care.

My twins were born 3 1/2 months early. Our oldest died when they were a week old. What stands out is the card with a personal note that said they had no words to take away my pain, but they were there with me in their heart with their arms wrapped around me holding me close, sending me their love and comfort. My mother planted a tree in her backyard in his honor. This was almost 25 years ago so you know it made an impact, at least for me.

I have a friend who lost a 5 month old baby to crib death. What she said was that people often avoided her, mostly because they did not know what to say or how to deal with her grief. You have to be willing to make the phone calls, go to see her, and just be with her. You don't have to have anything profound to say, just your presence will let her know you care. Even if the funeral is private it is still appropriate to send a flower arrangement and/or a donation to the charity of her choice.

Having experienced something similar myself I found the most comforting thing was having friends that acknowledged the grief I must have been feeling. A miscarriage is not the same as delivering a dead fully formed baby--I've been through both. One friend wrote to me that she was thinking of me in "what had to be a very singular experience"---how true that rang with me--it was so singular and my heart was so deeply sad. I have never felt such deep sorrow. Friends that let me cry or just helped me "pretend" to function until I could really start to function without such deep sorrow are dear to me. One friend would just go shopping with me or run an errand with me without rehashing what had happened (unless I wanted to). Don't avoid her---just try to help her by not abandoning her now just because it is painful to witness. 4 yrs later I am still sad when I think about the loss but I have a happy heart again and am able to find lots of joy in life. At the time I thought I would never have a happy heart again. You are a good friend to seek help in trying to help your friend.

How awful. I can't even imagine how your friend feels and how horrible to have to bury your baby. She is going to need tons and tons of support and shoulders to cry on. I have no suggestions on what would be appropriate but I will keep you friend in my prayers.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss. She is so lucky to have such a caring friend in her life. The suggestions so far have been excellent and have given me ideas. I don't have anything to add, except I will be keeping you and your friend in my prayers.

T.,
I am so sorry for your friend's loss. You are a wonderful friend for wanting to do something. As another mom said, keep in touch. Even if she doesn't answer the phone, leave a message letting her know to not feel obligated to call back, but wanted to let her know that you are thinking about her.

I also wanted to suggest meals. Either to make them or gift certificates to their favorite restaurants or take out places. We all know how hard it is to cook when we aren't feeling well.

I like the other mom's suggestions of flowers or a donation. Donating to the March of Dimes is a suggestion to help other babies and research for pregnancy loss.

Hugs to you and your friend,
B.

Hi T.,

I have friends whose 3-year-old son died. A group of their friends planted a tree at a local park in honor of him.

I don't know if that would be appropriate either, but it's the only thing I could think of.

My thoughts are with you and your friend.

Best,

M.

Oh my gosh..First let me say my heartbreaks for your friend and her family. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers.
I was reading an article just yesterday on CNN.com from Parenting about how to help parents deal with loss. Many said they just need to talk about it...for a while. Even after a time when everyone thinks its time to move on, your friend may still want to talk about it so be there for her. Having their fridge stocked b/c I'm sure at a time like this, you don't even think about cooking. If they have other children, offer to take them to the movies or on play dates of if they are really young to come over and watch them so the parents can get some alone time. Doing some housework/chores, running errands (if you're at the store calling to check if they need something to be picked up). I think planting a tree is a wonderful idea and sounds appropriate. Or making a donation to Children’s Memorial Hospital.

Here is a suggestion that me and my friends thought of. Get her some counseling sessions. She will need it to get through this tradegy. I will hold her and her family in my prayers.

I went through this recently with a good friend of mine. She lost her baby 3 days after a c-section. The baby was full term.

Really there is nothing you can do to help her. I struggled with this myself. I ended up just doing practical things for her. She had to return all of her shower gifts so I helped with that. I was in an akward sitation with this too because I was 7 months pregnant myself when this tragedy occured.

These are two good website for rememberance gifts.
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/Default.asp
http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/index.asp?PageAction=VIE...

I'm so sorry for your friend. Truly devestating. The good news for my friend is she's currently about 4 months pregnant and all is going well! I wish the best for your friend. My heart aches for those who have had to deal with such tragedy.

It is always tragic to lose a child. I've had quite a few miscarriages. Hearing from friends was helpful, as was those who brought meals. I was at a loss after each one and not really in the mood to make anything, so it was nice to have someone else do the cooking and that also made it more motivating to eat.

There is also this website: www.myforeverchild.com with lots of remembrance gift items for pregnancy loss. Each of the friends could even buy a charm to wear or put on your own keychains in her child's memory.

What we have done in the past is purchase a garden angel statue and given it to the family so that they know and can be reminded that they have a little angel.

I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss. Maybe nominate one person to be in contact with her as she may not want a bunch of phone calls. When someone calls, ask how you all can help... prepared meals, white tulips/flowers (we just did this for a woman in my group who lost her baby at 5+ months).

T. ~ No one should have to go through this, but here it is.

Mark your calendar, have all her friends mark theirs; Every “Tuesday” <or whatever works for them> at XX:XX o’clock call your friend. Mark the calendar - Once a month send a simple note in the mail. Do this for the year. At first she may not want to be around anyone, but she will know folks are there for her. She will know when someone will be calling and answer it or choose not to. Even if you talk to her on Monday, if “Tuesday at 2” is YOUR time – call. It will make a WORLD of difference in her life. Best wishes……