Caught in the Middle of Mama-drama--advice Please

You only control you, not them... so, if you don't want to be involved in the bickering, stop participating. When one starts on the other, say "I'm sorry, you'll need to talk to her", rinse, repeat ...

Proverbs 26:20
For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.

When they call either don't take their calls or keep telling them you have no opinion until they get the message. Guarantee they won't try to get you involved again because you don't feed their egos.

Love Missy F's response and wanted to add this.

If you want to stop being the go between, then stop entertaining their conversations about the other. There are several ways to accomplish this. If one begins to talk about the other while you are on the phone, offer the patch the other into the call via a 3 way conversaiton. If they do this when with you in person you can simply let them know I would prefer you not talk about the other without her being here to defend/explain herself.

PTO/PTA cage match fundraiser?

I didn't read the others.

I've been in the middle of these situations and have sat down with them both, together. Its what we would do with children. Why not adults? It is much more difficult to be snarky face-to-face, and there is the potential for mutual understanding. After the meet, don't be in the middle. Stop the conversation and and require they talk to one another. From then on, they choose how they will behave.

I've been the Pres, I'm doing the major fundraiser. With everything I do, I pretend my daughter is watching. Encourage them to pretend the same.

Seriously this could have been written about Anytown USA's PTA. Whenyou say you want out of the situation you need to follow through and not take their calls to have a bitchfest about the other. It's really that simple. If they call you to discuss other business and then start in about the other tell them you are hanging up because you've already told them that you will not engage in this argument. I'm sure they will get the hint.

In middle schools, they do something called "peer mediation". Basically, two disagreeing middle school kids sit down with a fellow "peer mediator" to talk it out face to face. The mediator makes sure each person gets a chance to tell their side of the story and works out a solution by the end of the meeting. Maybe you could do something like that with the two of them, although I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to get involved.

I just reread that it's the president of the PTO who's behaving this way! I would think she'd have more sense then to only handle the issue via email, she's also making the issue worse by getting you involved.

It's called triangulation. If you bow out they won't have that third leg of the triangle. They will find a way to get along.

If you can, you need to not answer either's calls or emails.

If you can't do that then you have put yourself in the middle. You might as well call them both up to come to your house. Pick one up so the other won't see their car. Let the sparks fly!

First, they are both wrong, Sharon and Alice. At this point, the discussion should happen face to face, in person. Email--things can get misconstrued easily, so any problem-solving/sorting things out needs to happen in person. The phone allows an 'easy out' of hanging up or being glib/confrontational because it is less personal and they aren't seeing each others faces. The face-to-face option is the most neutral option because it doesn't favor the desires of either person.

Now, to advise you-- I would tell you to do what I do with children who don't listen: be a broken record. When either one complains about the other to you, say "You know, you two really need to sit down and talk this out.That's my only suggestion." This is how you get yourself out of the situation, by refusing to take anyone's side and keep putting it squarely back in their laps. So, when it comes up, just keep your message simple and repeat it: "Yeah, sure sounds like you and Sharon/Alice need to talk to each other." Be stalwart with both of them; if they complain, just keep coming back to "yeah, it sounds like you two really need to talk". Do they need a facilitator for this discussion, and is there a resource for that? If so, point them in the proper direction, but do not take this on yourself. You are very smart to want to stay out of it, so once again-- just be a broken record when they come to you and keep putting this back on them.

It sounds like they do need some sort of facilitation, a 'safe space' to meet, and either or one or the other is going to have to ask some open-ended questions to clarify opinions/intentions and lots of reflective listening. I have helped people do this sort of facilitating in the past ( prepped them for hard conversations with their group); if you know of someone in your area who could help them, that might be all they need to go forward.

Would you be willing to "facilitate" the face to face - being the extra person in the room that keeps the stupid from getting out of hand?

If yes, then that may be the way to go. Sucks, but maybe saying "you have to handle it between yourselves. I will facilitate a face to face conversation, but will not be involved otherwise. Your choice. Let's fix this ladies!"

Good luck!!

I would tell them to talk to each other and that you are out of it. You do not want to discuss your other friend with this person anymore. If they can't work it out, then whatever, but you do not want to play referee.

I'm sure you have caller ID on your phone. Use it, and don't take their calls. Problem solved.

L., I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle and especially sorry to hear that both women just won't respect it when you say you don't want to discuss this as their go-between.

I assume that the issue that's being discussed over e-mail is a PTA issue and not something personal between them --right? Something involving Sharon's committee and its activities relative to PTA, or Alice's actions as president relative to Sharon's activities on her committee? In other words -- is it all business but getting tangled up in their very different communication styles and tendencies to misinterpret each other?

If that's the case, the next question is: What role do you play in the business being discussed? If you are being called just as a friend of each, that's different from your being called because you are ON Sharon's committtee or have some authority or responsibility on PTA that affects the issue at hand.

If you're being called as a friend: "Sharon (Alice), both you and Alice (Sharon) have been calling me to discuss (issue). I truly believe that the two of you need to communicate directly. I'm not part of this specific issue within PTA and I think those of you who ARE should be discussing it. I know one of you prefers calls and the other prefers e-mails. I suggest that you meet at the school in person with someone else there, so there is a third person present who can hear you both and repeat back what she's hearing. That person shouldn't be me, because this is not my issue on PTA, and I do not want to take sides between you since I am a friend of you both." After that I would screen calls and not answer e-mails except to say the same thing. You will have made a specific, positive suggestion to them both; whether they choose to act on it like adults is up to them now.

For that third person I would suggest someone like the vice principal or whoever in the school administration deals with PTA.

If this issue does involve you or you have some responsibility for it, etc. that is tougher and they are REALLY putting you on the spot with their juvenile stubbornness. I would suggest in that case that you say you are "recusing" yourself from discussing it by e-mail or phone and you will offer to bring it up for discussion at the next meeting -- in front of the entire PTA group. Don't do it like a threat (though really it is -- a threat that if they don't grow up and talk their business will be aired by everyone). Just state that you would be "glad to make this a broader discussion since they can't come to a workable agreement between the two of them" or whatever.

Alternatively, just tell each of them more bluntly: Both of you are coming to me with "she said this" calls and I am not going to be a go-between. Please call each other. And then screen all calls and ignore e-mails that talk about this topic.

Don't answer their emails and calls. It's that simple. If you don't have an ID system on your phone, get one. Screen your calls.

It's either that or give up your board position...

Dawn

Ditto Missy F.

Invite them both over and talk it out. Tell them you are not going to be a go between for them. From now on you will delete, before reading, any emails from both of them.

So sorry you are in the middle! I would keep repeating that you are not going to get in the middle. Tell both that unfortunately its between them and you have nothing to say. The minute you say something to one of them, the other will blow up and escalate the situation. You have done a good job of stating it, but maybe you should write an email to both and cc yourself so that you protect yourself as well.

If they absolutely can't talk in person, tell them to email eachother and leave you out of it of course. Good luck!

They need to act like grown women and work it out.

I'm not a fan of drama, at all.
Right now, I have two neighbors who can't stand each other and they are both trying to put me in the middle. I'm not speaking to either one of them at this point because I'm tired of it. They want me to choose sides, this one wants me to complain about that one and vice versa. I live a quiet life and want nothing to do with any of it.

I tend to get easily frustrated with people like that. The phone call vs e-mail thing is pretty petty when you think about it. I might be tempted to tell Sharon and Alice that. As long as they communicate in some fashion, why be a control freak over how it's done?

Personally, I'd rather have things in writing so I can refer back to them with as many things as I juggle.

That aside, I don't know that you can solve the issues they clash over, but you can choose not to be in the middle of it.

Just my opinion.

Their conflict has nothing to do with you so save yourself and get out now.

You're right, they each need to talk to eachother. But as long as you listen and respond with any type of opinion or advice, they will keep you in their loop. So refuse to listen, tell them to talk to eachother and repeat as necessary.

I was in a Stake calling one time and had a horrible personality crash with another leader.

During a meeting she took both of us aside in another room and made us work it out while she sat there with tears streaming down her face. She told us it wasn't fair that we were putting her in the middle. So we felt ashamed and worked it out.

I prayed for weeks after that for hubby to be transferred to a different area with his company but they ended up being the ones moved. Problem solved within a few weeks.

I think the drama will continue until they talk face to face. Email is NOT the way to resolve a difficult situation. People tend to be more reasonable in person and will hold back more than they would in a cold, faceless email.

Just stand your ground... tell each one that if they want you to participate in talking about the other, then the conversation is over, end of story. Or, duck their attempts at contact with you.

Sounds like you need a plate of cookies and a park bench. I would envite the both of them to "lunch/tea time" and not tell the other that its a group. Then with a little set up snack and coffee (make it sweet) set them down thank them for coming and tell them its time to settle it NOW. Do not allow them to talk to you just hold your hand up and do not respond to them. Then tell them they will work it out. Then go sit at a near by table. but not with them. If they insist tell them its between the two of them and they have been pulling you into the drama and it ends today. If they dont work it out only respond to emails or phone calls as " You women need to work this out between you. Its stressing me out please fix this yourselves". I hope this helps or gives you ideas on how to handle it and set boundaries for you and these ladies.

I want to say that what's going on between them should be between them, and you don't have to be involved. However, you ARE involved. You are friends with both of them, and they both confided in you. So how to solve it? Get them together. Invite them to lunch or something, don't tell them the other is invited, and you'll be amazed at how quickly animosity melts away once you are face-to-face with someone. E-mail is so impersonal and it's easy to perpetuate drama that way.

I have been in your situation and it did NOT end well. Run. Far, far way! Fast! LOL!. No, really. If they are not taking your advice, then you can ignore their calls and emails, or politely tell them that you are happy to discuss things pertaining specifically to PTO business, but you are not going to be tlking about personal stuff. Any time either one brings it up, just remind then that you are not getting in the middle. They will catch on when you don't feed into it.
There should also be a way to go to school administration for help, too.

Sometimes you've just got to be firm.
The next time one of them brings the situation up just say, you know I am really not comfortable talking about this any more, can we discuss (fill in the blank) instead? If they persist, calmly and politely excuse yourself from the conversation. If you refuse to engage they will eventually get the hint.
I have had to do this myself more than once over the years.
You CAN remove yourself from this particular conflict without removing yourself completely from the PTO :-)

maybe if you can explain to each of them as an unbiased observer what's happening ,like how you explained it here. Misunderstandings, etc.

other than that'd refuse to solve their problems , they need to learn to play nice.
This is exactly why I refuse to get involved with the PTA. Too much drama.

Face-to-face is the only way to solve this.

Problem is, since it's not work (where this are blurred lines that can't be crossed leading to a think black line that says cross me and your fired) they are taking advantage and behaving quite immaturely.

Moderate one last time. Tell them to meet each other and discuss how to solve the issue at hand - and get the work done.

If they can't, then step away from both of them. Just do your own thing on the PTA and move on.

Updated

Face-to-face is the only way to solve this.

Problem is, since it's not work (where this are blurred lines that can't be crossed leading to a think black line that says cross me and your fired) they are taking advantage and behaving quite immaturely.

Moderate one last time. Tell them to meet each other and discuss how to solve the issue at hand - and get the work done.

If they can't, then step away from both of them. Just do your own thing on the PTA and move on.