Bullying - Wellston,OK

Updated on February 16, 2011
S.G. asks from Tecumseh, OK
17 answers

ok so this is my daughter's second year at this school she is in. one of the girls that was in her class last year but not this year is bullying to the point of pushing. the other day she was caught and punished. I've told my daughter (2nd grade) to not let them bully her, and if pushed to push back and to make it count (just dont' be the first to use physical contact). I've told her to quit talking to this girl and just blow her off. but obviously this did not stop the bullying. last year this girl gave her an ivitation to get together and play and formally apologized to her for all the bullying, but both the girls mom and i agree that if they cant get along at school, there will be no more activities outside of school together.

this girl will go as far as to get whoever my duaghter is friends with and "win" them over to her side til she is left alone. i really don't like the ida of physical contact being used at such a young age but still want her to learn to stand up for herself.

should i talk to the teacher and principal about this? she complains at least once a week but it obviusly happens more.

FYI i have no intentions on approaching the girl or her mother directly but i know bullying can be and is more serious to the point some kids have committed sucide, i by no means want this for my own or any child

just wanted to make sure that she/i am not "over reacting"

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So What Happened?

hey ladies, i typed up her teacher a note about this because the mom when we met up told me that a divorce was going on, so i'm assuming this girl needs attention at home she is not getting (still no excuse). i'll put it in her back pack tonight and have her teacher call me about it and talk to my daughter tonight. just seen and heard of too many kids commiting sucide and dont' want mine to think i don't hear her problems

I talked to my daughter about the issue last night and come to find out it's two girls actually working together to tie her up while the other pushes her down or what ever. i sent a note to her teacher to call me TODAY about the issue....it's worse than i thought and the teacher she told on duty when this happened just told her "o go play" and that was it....so i'm PISSED!

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L.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

yes! There is a great book called The Bullied, the Bullying and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. Basically she says that it takes a village to stop a bully. Everyone should step up against the bully. (it's also on audio tape)

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D.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

She is only in 2nd grade so yes PLEASE talk to the teacher!! Our children count on us to keep them safe in anyway possible and by you getting involved it will show her that you are there for her.

If going to the teacher does not resolve this then I would absolutely take it to the principal.

If nothing else at least if the other Mom is called both sides of the story can be heard.

Do not ignore this and please help your daughter as she is still very young.

Best of luck!!

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

You should ask for an immediate conference with the teacher and ask her to invite the principal, also. Discuss your concerns with them and begin immediately to document everything that happens between your daughter and this girl. Ask for a conference with the counselor, too. Ask her to go over what to do when someone bullies you with you and your daughter and try some role play to get your daughter comfortable with how to handle it. I would not approach the girl's mother. Leave that up to the school. Good luck and do not tolerate this type of behavior.

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Bullying is a huge problem.
You should definitely talk to the school about it. Especially since it's happening on school grounds.
You can keep your daughter away from this girl after school, but the stuff that happens at school needs to be documented.
My son was bullied. He was even hit across the back at school with a baseball bat. Thank God the teacher witnessed it. The boy was punished and baseball was taken away for the rest of the year for the entire class because of it. As a result, he enlisted some of his friends to threaten to beat my son up after school.
The strange thing is that my son was bigger than the kids who were bullying him and he could have really hurt them back. But, I told him NEVER to lay a hand on them no matter what they did. That way, there would be zero confusion as to who threw the first punch.
Telling your daughter to push back and make it count is not the best advice. Kids need to stick up for themselves, but getting physical will end your daughter up in the same trouble the girl who deserved it is in.
I told the school my son would NOT fight back....#1) He could really hurt the little shrimps and #2) I wasn't going to encourage them ending up in a fricking brawl.

I dealt with it through the school and I did confront the one boy's mother. She about crapped herself and said she was going to call the police on my son. (Too late...I already called them). They actually ended up moving away. And, the other boys were in so much trouble. They are really good friends with my son now. That was years ago and they're in high school now, but they all get along great, they work on school projects together.
Hopefully there is a school counselor that can help with conflict resolution and the girls can at least learn to share the same space. They have to. They go to the same school.
And, "chick fights" in the second grade isn't cool. There are much better ways to handle it.

Best wishes.

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N.B.

answers from Toledo on

I read the other posts, which I agree with regarding working with the school. However, no one called you out on your instructions to push or hit back, and "make it count". Please rethink that. We need to teach our kids to solve problems without getting physical, either by themselves or with adult intervention. We handle bullies by ingoring them, reporting them, and enlisting others to shame them ("the village"), not by stooping to their level.

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A.F.

answers from Columbus on

I don't think you are overacting. I would speak with the school, start with her teacher and then later the principle if it does not stop. As far as telling her to push back, I don't think that is right. She can stand up for herself by saying, DO NOT PUSH ME! to the little girl and then go tell a teacher. If a teacher sees your daughter push her back, she will be in as much trouble as the girl is that pushed her first.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

In our schools there is zero tolerance for any type of pushing or bullying or fighting..

Your daughter would be in trouble if seen responding physically. I know it is frustrating.

Instead I taught our daughter to say in a loud voice. "Kristy stop pushing me!" or "John! Quit kicking my chair!"as loud as possible.. This way it gets the attention of the adults and they will see daughter did not participate.

I know this is frustrating so I would speak with the teacher first and let her know the history of these 2 girls. Also that you have instructed your daughter to not have any contact with this girl. SO to please try not to make them work on projects together.

Let the teacher know if your daughter is somehow putting herself in these situations (not saying she is) then you want to know this right away also.

If this does not work after a couple of weeks, make an appt with the teacher and the principal.
I am sending you strength

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K.H.

answers from Dallas on

My daughter is dealing with the same type of issue. We sat down and talked to the school counselor about it, hoping to make her aware of the situation, as well as to get some advice on how to deal with it. She basically told my daughter to ignore it and told the kid who is bullying her to stop (seriously!?!). So it happened again after that, and my daughter asked her teacher if she could please go to the principal's office (during class) and explained it all to her. I don't know what will come of it, but I look forward to reading other responses you'll get on this as we are still unresolved too.

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H.H.

answers from New York on

What A Hot Topic!! First of all, you are not over reacting and how you/she deal with this now will effect her through the rest of her school years so do not take this lightly.

I went to the bookstore and found some very useful guides to help me and my kids deal with this issue. Because your daughter is only in 2nd grade I would reccommend a workbook called, Don't Pick On Me by Susan Eikov Green. It's a great book for parents to read with their kids that teaches kids how to avoid/handle troublesome situtations, and what to do if you find yourself in one. She gives great examples, stories and then has a fill in the blank section for every chapter. My kids actually like doing the "homework"

for you personally, I would suggest picking up Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons. It's too heavy-reading for your daughter but will give you great insight to the hows and whys of girl-bullying. What an eye-opener for me. It has been so helpful and I feel more confident talking to my daughter about the subject after reading this book.

feel free to contact me if you'd like some more book suggestions as I bought half the bookstore;-)!!

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E.R.

answers from Chicago on

I actually think you SHOULD approach the other girl's mom directly. If I was her, I would want to know this was going on! It sounds like you tried to deal with the issue before but it has not worked, but that doesn't mean that BOTH moms should not keep trying, unless you feel that the other mom is unwilling or will just refuse to acknowledge that her daughter is doing anything.

I am not saying to go in with 'guns blazing'- but call her up and say:

" It sounds like the conflict between our girls has started up again and my daughter is very unhappy about it. Can we set some boundaries and ground rules that BOTH girls have to follow to try and keep this from escalating? It's already gotten physical on the playground and I don't want the kids to get into trouble at school over it. "

This way you have told her YOU are aware- the SCHOOL is aware, etc.

I have to agree that telling your daughter to 'push back' is probably NOT a good idea. Our school also will not tolerate 'fighting' and even if your daughter was sticking up for herself, you can teach her to do it without shoving. You will lose your 'moral high ground' with the school if she does.

Arrange a meeting with the principal and your daughter's teacher. Establish that your daughter is NOT problem kid and that she is the victim, and NOT the bully. Ask what sort of supervision there is during lunch, recess, etc. and make sure teachers know to keep an eye on your daughter so this other girl can't get away with stuff.

Last but not least- the 'girl drama' is just starting! It will only get WORSE, believe me! It is amazing how mean 9 year old girls can be. Try and find your daughter other friends- encourage her to play with them at recess etc. If you know their moms, I would even mention- in a NICE way- what has been going on with the other little girl trying to 'win over' your daughter's friends. That way they can also be on the lookout for it.

Don't be mean or accusing- this other little girl will most likely outgrow her bullying ways, when she sees that it doesn't work for her anymore. The more adult eyes looking out for it, the better- but most moms you won't have to do more than hint at the problem. They have girls the same age and are likely dealing with the same issues in some ways- they know what's up!

Just encourage your daughter to stick with her friends- bullies strike more when kids are alone. I like the idea of teaching her to yell loudly " Susie DON'T PUSH ME. I am just STANDING HERE. You can't just run up and push me!" so a teacher and other kids hear! That isn't 'tattling'- it's just standing up for herself! Good luck!

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Well, you are ahead of where I was when this happened to my daughter. You know it is a mistake to confront the mom. It does not work out.

Get the school involved. Use the word bullying and they will take notice.
My daughter is an easy target because she is quiet, totally forgiving, and won't retaliate. Don't let it go.

One girl was constantly putting my daughter down. She convinced her not to smile, that she needed braces, that she was ugly, that she smelled,
and more. We demanded they not be in the same class and the little brat seeks her out at recess.

Once I said "bullying" the staff snapped to attention and is on the ball. Why? The school has a bullying hotline to report students and staff who don't deal with problems. The administration takes it seriously since there were 2 lawsuits last year at the middleschool level.

My daughter finally is coming out of her shell. We found one nice girl for my daughter to play with who took up for her and insisted the kids let my daughter play. When I see the girl, I praise her for including my girl and tell her how much I like her.

I hope the girls stay friends and the other one doesn't feel my child is her shadow. One friend has helped more than all my talking, praying, and helping could.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

yes, talk to the school about this so they can keep an eye on it.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

S., I just want to say after reading your what happened, that if things still don't get better, you might talk to an attorney about sending a letter to the parents. NOTHING speaks to people more than the thought of having to pay money to the court. They would have a REAL talk with their daughter, and possibly even get her a counselor, which she probably really needs. You could also ask the teacher and guidance counselor to have a talk with the class about bullying, and without saying the girl's name, speak SPECIFICALLY to the behavior she is using, "winning" over kids with the purpose of isolating a child.

Go all in, S.. Now's the time to nip it in the bud.
My best, D.

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A.P.

answers from Mobile on

A two or three day self defense course is a good idea. A good self defense teacher will also talk about how to verbally disarm a bully and it is not as expensive as a month of Karate. I recommend it for the whole family.

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O.S.

answers from Birmingham on

You'll get a bunch of responses on this one I bet. There is no "over reacting" when someone is being mean to your child. Most school systems do not tolerate ANY form of bullying if they are aware of it. Definitely talk to the teachers/principal/anyone that is involved with these children (PE coaches, bus drivers). If your daughter pushes back then she too will be disciplined even though she was 2nd in line. Our son had a friend who just reacted when he was pushed and pushed back ... he wasn't allowed to walk in graduation because of this incident in his sr. year of high school (talk about some upset parents!). She should not be friends with this other child in or out of school.

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P.B.

answers from New York on

You need to go to the principal of the school asap. You should never have let it go this far. Your daughter is being victimized and you need to make sure she doesn't have to deal with this stuff on her own at school. School is for learning and this other girl is learning that it is okay to be a bully and your daughter is the victim. Run to the principal asap to stop this.

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