Daughter Being Bullied at School

Updated on April 07, 2008
B.C. asks from Buckeye, AZ
62 answers

My thirteen year old daughter is being bullied by a girl at her school. This girl has made my daughter's life miserable. Last week everything came to a head with this girl accosting her when she was alone between school buildings. The counselor at the school suggested that my daughter move homerooms, as this girl is in her homeroom. They also suggested that I seek a variance to another high school for next year. I was told that the tormenting could get worse in high school. I want my daughter to be safe and happy at school, but why is it that the victim is expected to make all the changes. This girl has already run two other kids out of the same homeroom. I feel like the school is not dealing with the matter at hand. The counselor told my daughter to stay away from this girl, when it is she who seeks out my daughter. HELP! Any advice would be appreciated.

3 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

My daughter was moved to a new homeroom last Friday. She says she feels more comfortable there. At this school the kids have to eat lunch with their homeroom. When my daughter was in the other class the bully would not let her sit at the table, so she would spend her lunch in the bathroom, not eating. She weighs 80 lbs. skipping meals are not beneficial to her!! She has friends in this new room. We have advised her to never be alone. My husband and I met with the principal and demanded a meeting with the parents. So far this has not happened because a translater is needed, as this girls' parents do not speak English. As for changing high schools, we have decide to leave that up to our daughter. She is a black belt in Taekwondo, but has not taken classes in over a year. We are going to sign her back up. The bully was suspended before because of an incident with the my daughter. She received two days in school suspension. Now we are being told that she is on "probation" in this matter. If another incident arises, she will receive eight days of suspension with police intervention. My husband and I are going to make sure that is the case!! Thanks to everyone for the advice. I read every response and cried because the pain is still evident in some of your "voices". Thank you again. I feel more empowered-go mamas!!!

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.C.

answers from Phoenix on

I don't know what District you are in, but if that was my daughter, I would go straight to a District Department head. I would also get police involved. I have NO tolerance for bulling and I am sertainly against it at school, and nothing being done about it! I feel as thought it is the other girl that needs to be taken away from the situation! If you are in the Gilbert District or Queeen District, let me know because I have a few friends at both, who I could contact and see if I can give you any more help! Good luck! I hope this gets better!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.A.

answers from Albuquerque on

You need to get lawyer and and press charges agianst this girl! And then sew the school! Bulling ia a perjadce (sp?) ! I have been bullied before in high school. The school is letting this happen so until something happens then what!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.D.

answers from Flagstaff on

Wow, what kind of consequences is this bully receiving for her behavior? It seems to me that by removing the victims, you are showing the bully that she can continue with this behavior. I would not take my child out of the homeroom, I would ask to speak to the parents, the principal, anyone, until this bully is stopped.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.G.

answers from Albuquerque on

I've had two of my own children and two nephews have bullying problems at school and I know EXACTLY the frustration that you feel. Especially since the 'mother feeling' kicks in and inside your head you grab this girl, pull all her hair out' and run over this bully with your car,(only the first reaction phase, ha ha) but on the outside you try to stay calm and collected. I feel like I've tried everything in the book, but I found that things don't always work the same for each child. So, how about a list?
*First I spoke to the teacher (all mine were in Elementary, though) and got my concerns out in the open.
*I spoke to a few friends on my son's in the classroom to see if their story was the same as my son's...it was.
*I spent two months in the classroom all day with my son so that I could monitor what was going on inside and out on the playground.
*Then I went to the bully and her parents...it was fairly realistic in two of the cases and worked well that way. For the other two bullies, this didn't work at all.
*I went to the principle with my son (before we went to the counselor) and showed the principle some marks that were on my son's back from this girl being mean.
*Then came the counselor...which did nothing and was a total waste of time.
*So I got a copy of the school handbook and looked up the "rules" on being bullied and the consequences for it. Then I went back to the principle, with the school handbook, and informed him that things were going to change or I was going to go to the central office or even to the state board of education, and if he didn't want to have a lawsuit on his hands, and valued his job, he'd take care of this problem......
guess what.....
the girl was sent to a different school by the following monday.
That's my shortened condensed version. If you want more details, I'd be glad to fume and scream and sympathize with you...I could even dream mean vicious things against the school (but then we have to be grown ups and laugh and say just kidding, shucks)
P.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.C.

answers from Phoenix on

It definitely should not be your daughter who moves from the homeroom. It is obvious that this girl needs to be disciplined for her actions.

I was a victim of a bully for almost a year in high school. She was on my softball team and she was an extremely good player. I was just okay at the sport. She liked to tell me what to do and was truly a bossy one. I was quiet and ignored her and let her walk all over me. his continued into the next school year. When we both were running for Student Council is when everything came to a head. I won, she didn't. Well, she came up to me one day and threatened me. I stood up to her! Yeah for me! I told her that I didn't have to listen to her, I was my own person and I would not tolerate her harrassing me any longer. She NEVER, I mean NEVER, threatened me again. We actually ended up becoming friends our senior year. But that's another story.

My point is that this is your daughter's fight. She needs to stand up for herself no matter how hard it might be. Yes, this girl is wrong, but so is your daughter for letting her walk all over her. If confronted by this bully, your daughter needs to just say, "Hey, I will not take this!" Make sure that when this happens there are others around to come to her aid if this girl decides to do something dumb. But, if it is just words that are being exchanged, then hopefully this will work. I never thought I had it in me, but the day I snapped, was the day it stopped. Times have changed in the last ten or so years, but I hope that this does not get out of hand and go too far. I wish your daughter all of the best and hope that things get better.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.D.

answers from Tucson on

i agree with josie. most schools take this very seriously. immediately talk to the principal, and if they aren't willing to give consequences to the bully, then go above their heads, and be prepared to possibly switch schools next year, but they should be enforcing the law that's in place.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Tucson on

Notify the police, I believe they have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of thing.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.H.

answers from Phoenix on

It sounds to me that the school is not doing eoungh about this. If the other girls is the problem they need to make her move schools, or something. I would skip the councelor and go to the pricipal or higher. You shouldn't have to move your daughter if she is not he problem. The school does not seem to be trying to help you much. Higher levels, I would go to higher levels.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.D.

answers from Phoenix on

You've gotten some good advice here. Do not let this go, do not let the school push you around. Document EVERYTHING. Every time your daughter is verbally bullied by this girl, every time you've talked to someone at the school. If this girl touches your daughter, do file with the police and get a restraining order.

Anyone who says your daughter should move, or stay away from this girl is not helping. Don't tell her to ignore it - that encourages her to be ashamed of it and not tell you or the school every time something happens. She may try to hide it.

These kind of bullies will just do worse and worse to get a rise out of someone, or truly hurt them. Your daughter does need to verbally call attention to herself - when the bully comes near, she needs to say "LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY!" and it will hopefully get a teacher's attention. Then take it to higher and higher people. Write letters, make phone calls, don't let them put you off. They must deal with this. They have a legal obligation to deal with this.

I personally don't agree with your daughter fighting back - standing up for herself, yes, but even if she fought back and got this bully to stop, the bully would move on to another target. This girl needs some serious consequences.

This happened to me and the school did nothing. My mom even met with the parents of the bullies and they did nothing. You need to insist that things are done - NOW. Be tough!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.Q.

answers from Tucson on

I am a teacher at a middle school and I also have an 11-year-old girl. It is a very fine line sometimes, bullying Vs kids being too sensitive. As a mom, I try to teach daughter how she can react to being teased. Most kids do whatever for a reaction. Inside however, I want to protect her from all the mean people in the world. Bottom line though no matter what philosophy you believe your daughter has the right to go to school and feel safe. Counselors are very over worked at my school, but it is their job to make sure that their students feel safe. NO you should not have to move anywhere if she doesn’t want to. There are laws; you can have this student arrested. Schools take bullying very seriously. You are you child advocate. But remember there are mean people in the world, I work with many of them!!! And the earlier we learn how to deal with them the better. BOTTOM LINE Laws are there to protect and to draw the line! You have to be the one that makes the call! Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.W.

answers from Phoenix on

This is a long reply but I hope it gives you something to think about.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately this happens way too often and you are right about the school system not doing much about it. Has there been any punishment at all for this bully?
We encountered the same thing in Jr. High last year with my son. The biggest problem we had was that the bully's were on the basketball team and other members of the team and the coach would lie and say it was my son causing the problem. In eight years my son has never been a problem in school. He basically keeps to himself. The school pretended to care but basically did nothing.

We decided we could not deal with another year like last year so I quit my job and this year we are homeschooling. You are going to think our solution was drastic but when you are dealing with your childs emmotional well being sometimes drastic is needed. It has been the best decision ever. I never thought I could do it but it's really not as hard as you think. Actually dealing with bullies and doing 2-3 hrs. of homework a night was much worse. There are so many support groups (usually called co-ops) where homeschool kids can get socially involved. We are in two. One is a PE co-op twice a week and one is more social with park days and field trips once a month. My son loves both and has made many new friends. His friends from public school still hang out with him too. In fact they are jealous of him and ask me to homeschool them. This was supposed to be a one year trial but has worked out so well we now plan to homeschool through High School. As I said it's not as scary as it sounds and with all the help and support I get through various homeschool groups, I am confident that my son will actually get a better education and be much more well adjusted.

I am a mother of three. My son is 14 and I have twin 10yr-old daughters which still attend public school now but wont for Jr. High.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.E.

answers from Las Cruces on

It stinks the way school systems seem to enable such abusive behavior among students. I was bullied too when I was younger. It wasn't until I got beaten to a pulp that the school even did anything and all they did was suspend the other girl for a week. My advice is a little extreme but will help. Write a letter to the school board addressing the problem. Also, when another incident occurs, take it directly to the police and file a report and make sure the school is aware of the incident. Once a police report is filed, the parents have to get involved. Also, once the law is involved, the repercussions should the bullying continue will be more severe.
For your daughter, I highly recommend that you enroll her in some kind of self defense. It changed my life as a young girl. Not only did it help me release alot of frustration and negative emotions, it built my confidence. I carried myself differently and I wasn't quite as afraid. I knew that I stood a bit of a chance if I was ever accosted. I carried myself differently. No one ever bothered me after that. I think it had alot to do with body language. Don't discourage your daughter from physically defending herself if the bully starts pushing her around. She might get in trouble too but it's better than her being run into the ground physically and emotionally.
Hope this helps a little.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.M.

answers from Albuquerque on

First of all the counselor is there to counsel!!! Your daughter has every right to be in her original homeroom. I would suggest bringing the situation to their supervisor (the principal). I would stress the fact that the bully hasn't only singled out your daughter but others too!! If anyone should be punished for their behavior it should be the bully. My way of seeing is they are catering to the bully by not putting a stop to her actions! If you dont get anywhere wit the pricipal just let them know that you will be making a complaint to the school district.
Good Luck and tell your daughter bullys only do what they do because they dont know how to make friends the right way!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.C.

answers from Phoenix on

I don't think your school is doing much to help you. Your daughter should not be the one forced to change. There are bullying laws in the state of AZ so I would do some research on these. I would be a very "squeaky" wheel in this case

My son was bullied in 6th grade and the school addressed the situation quickly bringing in the parent, kid, counselor etc. It turns out the kid was being bullied by someone while he was bullying my son.

T. C.
Spa Girlfriend Parties
www.spaescapescottsdale.com

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.A.

answers from Phoenix on

I've been in your daughters position, all I can say is tell your daughter to keep her head up and to not let this girl get to her because if she does that girl will know how your daughter is reacting and she will keep doing it to put your daughter down. I would suggest you file a report with your local police department because say if your daugther does switch schools or if the girl does and you she this girl somewhere outside of school grounds and she trys to do something to your daughter at least the police department has it on file and they will take further actions with this girl and her parents.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.D.

answers from Santa Fe on

B., bullying at school is a big deal. And I agree with you that your daughter shouldn't have to make the changes. Forget the school counselor, go straight to the principal, take your information with you and somewhere in your conversation say, "after consultation with my attorney...." and then launch into specific and detailed things you want to see changed to ensure your daughter's safety and her ability to continue in the class she is in. Also, have a list ready of consequences that you will inact if the things you ask for (reasonably)are not forthcoming (like taking an attorney and going to the school board, or contacting other parents and the PTA, going to the school board and filing charges against the bully, the teacher, the counlseor, and the principal for endangering your child's safety and her right to learn in a safe, non-stressful, and enjoyable environment). I have found that using language that shows off your intelligence works. Don't let the principal or the school system bully you. If you pull your daughter out, you will only show her that bullying works whether you are a child or an adult. And the bully will also know that she is very powerful and that will only grow. Both children are at risk.

M.
former teacher

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.E.

answers from Anchorage on

Check the school handbook that is usually sent out the first of the school year. The young lady doing the bullying is subject to disciplinary action and sometimes expulsion depending on the school your child attends - especially if she has ever laid a hand on your daughter or anyone else. Once you find the guidelines, go visit the school principal. If that doesn't work, try the school board. Last resort, the media. That should make them stand up and take notice. Your child has the right to attend school free from fear - that's part of the state law. I know, I've been there.

Good luck,
M.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.W.

answers from Phoenix on

Dear B. --

You have a number of options here. First, go to the principle and demand a meeting of the parents of the other girl in his office with you. That would be the first step. You want included in that meeting the President of the Parent Organization of the School. I do not know what school district you are in, but if you do not get satisfaction from this way of doing it, then write to Tom Horne, who is the Superintendent of Public Instruction for the State of ARizona. Do not take something like this lying down. Your daughter will learn a lesson for life from this. That each of us are responsible for ourselves and what happens to us in this world. We have to stand up and be counted. Tom is reachable and is a very good and reasonable man.

One of the things you need to understand if the following. The counselor works for the principle and can be fired. It does not sound like he or she is doing the job. All of them work for you. The school system is supported by public funds. Always remember that. But the responsibility for your child starts with you and when you give your child over to their care during the day, then that responsibility for her safety becomes theirs -- they are RESPONSIBLE FOR HER SAFETY. Don't let them push it back on you. That is nonsense. I used to be the President of the PFO and the PTA, so I know from when I speak. I also used to teach MBA in College.

If your facts are correct and I would make sure that they are -- that must be your very first step, then I would not stand still for this. But speak with your daughter and discuss with her what you plan to do. If she balks, find out why. Your open dialogue with her will be very important here. My Best to You -- M. W.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.D.

answers from Tucson on

Ok, first things first. Talk to your daughter. What does she want to do? By running (moving homerooms, schools, etc) she could be making herself into a victim. Let her fight back! Do not stoop to the level that this bully plays at, but definitely teach her to fight on higher ground. If the girl approaches, tell her to raise her voice to carry (without yelling) and tell the girl to 'go away, I don't want to talk to you' hopefully, that will get a teacher's attention who will deal with the situation. Not being a victim is always the first step in dealing with bullies even as an adult. Your job, however, is to deal with the school itself. Read the student handbook. I guarantee that there is a bullying policy in there somewhere. Take the handbook to school, and demand that the steps outlined in it are taken against the bully. If there is an actual physical attack, take pictures of the damage to your daughter, call the local police or sheriff, and file a report if not press charges. If necessary, get a restraining order against the bully. But most important, empower your daughter to fight for herself. She should be involved in every step.
I too was picked on relentlessly in school up until the day that 3 girls attacked me. I finally fought back. After that day, I stopped being the victim, and while I was never one of the popular kids, I managed to get rid of the target I'd been carrying around on my back.
Good luck, I hope this helps.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.H.

answers from Phoenix on

When I was her age I was tormented by a girl constantly to the point I wouldnt go to school. I also had a military father. I know how she feels and it interfers in her right to go to school. I would see if you could get a restraining order againts the girl. She is interfering in your childs rights to learn, next time she is assulted call the police and file a report. Schools wolnt do a thing. The school board might. I fparents are resonsible for a minors actions till 18 then the school needs to warn her parents that you will bring outside resources into it. Harrasment is against the law. I wish I was her big sister because I would make sure this girl never got near her. Its harrasement and stalking her cornering her, assulting her. With all the violence out there what does a school have to have happen to make them realize this girl needs and alternative school instead of public. I hope it all works out as aparent of a 3 year old I worry about school in the future. To many messed up kids whos parents dont care and they deprive children of learning, saftey and security. It all stems from the home and upbringing and I was raise strict. What happened to the little girl that picked on me? I hit her in the head with my metal lunch box one day I had had enough. I got punished though. I dont condone violence but I was 12 and it happened. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.R.

answers from Albuquerque on

I have two son's that were bullied in high school. I went to see the principal and counselor and insisted on a meeting between the other boy's parents, myself, the principal, counselor and school security. I advised them that if the meeting was not set up I would go to who every I had to to make my children safe at school. They all agreed and when all was said and done turned out the boy's parents were very helpful in resolving the issue. DO NOT let let the counselor make your child feel like
SHE has to leave the school or go to a different high school. And don't let the counselor bully you either. Take it to a higher source if needed.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from Albuquerque on

Wow! Take your daughter to Karate Lesson's. If nothing else it will give her more confidence.Bullies can only be bullies if you let them, show that your not afraid and most of the time they back off. The scary thing about to day is the kids are not fighting fair, they use deadly weapons. There's just no good anwser to that! I wish you luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.C.

answers from Phoenix on

I do know in cases like this documentation is the best. Write down exactly what happened to your daughter. Take that to the counselor, principal and give it to them before you talk to them. Have them stamp your copy to give proof that they recieved it. After the meeting, write down what you got out of the meeting. As in.... we were told by the counselor(name) that we should change rooms and that we should also look for another high school and no action was taken against the student (name). Give it to them for clarification. To make sure that is what they said and have them write you a letter to reclarify so sign the original. Then you can go to the superintendent with all the correspondence that was documented. And if necessary the school board and then the police. It is long and tiresome but this is what is suggested by many and if you want action this works. All written correspondence must be replied to within 10 days. Now it is not a he said/ she said game. There is evidence and they will have to do something. School also don't have to do anything unless it is in writting. Kinda crazy but that is the way it works.
kat

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Your daughter has a right to be in a safe environment at school. It won't help for your daughter to try and ignore the girl -- she'll just keep seeking her out. Please don't be worried about being too aggressive to be an advocate for your child. Demand that the school do something -- it might help to check the student handbook to see if the district has a anti-bully policy. I also suggest reading books by Jodee Blanco, a woman who was bullied in high school and has made it her mission to fight bullying. Good luck and hang in there -- your child is lucky to have a mom who will stick up for her!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.A.

answers from Charleston on

Hi B.,
I think it's horrible that the school is not offering more help. Telling YOU to move does not solve the problem at hand, especially since this girl has done this before. I think the school is just trying to pass the buck so to speak. I would go back to this counselor and INSIST that this girl be dealt with. Possibly a mediation meeting with her parents. I'm wondering if her parents are even aware of the issue.
I would also express to this counselor that shoving the problem under the rug solves nothing for anyone. And if I still did not get a decent response from the counselor I would go to the Principal and demand this be dealt with. Your daughter did nothing wrong and should not be punished by telling her to go to another home room, school etc. Your daughter is the VICTIM and should be protected by the school.
Salli

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.A.

answers from Phoenix on

I think it's ridiculous that your daughter's school seems to be taking this so lightly, and as an educator I'm appalled. Our schools have a "no bullying" policy...it is not tolerated because of what we have seen happen at other schools in the past.

I'm glad you are taking action, and it sounds like it is good action so far. I hope things come around! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.D.

answers from Albuquerque on

Bullying has just started being researched in the past 10 - 20 years. As a result, there are a few new books and documentaries and websites out about it. http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/bully...

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.D.

answers from Phoenix on

I have 12 year old son and some kid was trying to get to him but he just kept running rom him and my son was too fast so they got his friend well we went to the school and talked to the principle and they suspened the kids for a few days. You need to go to the principle and if the principle won't do anything then you need to go to the school board and let them know whats going on adn get that principle fired if thats the case. After we went to the school and talked the kids are now nice to my son and his friends and have not had any problems since. Good luck

Steph

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from Santa Fe on

I too have a 13 year old daughter. During her transition from 5th to 6th grade two years ago, she was threatened by another girl her age that she would have my daughter "beat up" when she started at her middle school that fall. It concerned my daughter and she was very afraid about starting school. At the beginning of the school year, I contacted the Asst. Principal and advised him of the situation. I gave him the girls name and he advised me that he would have a talk with her without mentioning my daughters name saying that "he heard" that she was threatening other kids...My daughter felt at ease; however, still a little apprehensive. We decided to enroll her in a Taikwondo class and it really raised our daughters confidence level and she felt that if other girls would "bother" her, or "jump her" she would be able to defend herself. It's really scary these days for our children. Just one look at some girl, they fight! It has a lot to do with hormones, self-confidence and jealousy. I would suggest that you and your daughter visit with the Asst. Principal and do what we did--without mentioning names. If that doesn't work, perhaps mediation. Hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.L.

answers from Las Cruces on

You need to contact your school superintendent, your child has the right to go to school without the fear of being bullied. If there is a record of past problems with the bully then the superintendent would be able to make the decision to move the agressive one. You can go to the police and file a report and get a restraining order which is costly but I would try the super first. I was picked on in school by a bully and I know how that can effect a child for the rest of her life. Keep up the fight and get something done. You can write the local paper, write the school board also. Good Luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.T.

answers from Phoenix on

I think I would push the issue at the school a little more. If the bully is the problem, she is the one that needs to be removed. Most schools boast a no-bully tolerance, I am surprised that nothing is being done. My 12 year old was having a similar issue, thankfully the bully ended up moving away and now there are no more problems. I'm interested to know what school this is, although I don't know if you are comfortable posting that info. I see you spoke w/ the counselor, maybe try going up the ranks and talk w/ the principal or even the superintendant. Hope this issue is resolved for you soon. I know we can't be w/ our kids in every situation, but we need to do what we can to protect them. I pray daily for my kids as they are at school. Let us know what happens.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.V.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi B., I went threw the same thing with my son. For 3 years I tried everything under the sun to stop the bulling. Nothing changed for long term. My "A" student grades started dropping to D's and F's, he was so unhappy. I asked him once if he thought he was weired .... he said yes and ment it! It was at that point that I decided to change schools. The best decision I could have made. He is back to A's and happy. He has more than just 1 friend and I asked him this year if he thought he was weired. He looked at me as if I had 3 heads, and said NO! Music to my ears. Good luck.
R.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Flagstaff on

I'm a little bit of a take charge mom, so this might not be your style. First, I give my child advise on how to stand up for themselves with words, expressing their frustration, telling the bully "stop", etc (nothing physical, of course). Then I would contact the bully's parents and try to meet them at school, with the home-room teacher, and discuss what is going on. If the parents are un-responsive, defensive, etc. then there lies the majority of the problem. The bullying child could very well need some help from the school guidance councilor or school pchycologist. Push the home room teacher and principal to take action with the bullying child and his/her parents - not force your child to move, this only allows the bully to focus their attention on another victim.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.E.

answers from Phoenix on

Karate, tae kwon do, kick boxing. I know that fighting sounds like the thing to never tell your child to do. But - the martial arts classes are great for teaching your kid how to handle bullies, asserting oneself and if all else fails... Self defense.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.S.

answers from Phoenix on

I just wanted to say "good for you" for listening to your child and following up. You have shown her that her self-esteem is important to you, that she is important to you. I think I might follow up about meeting with the parents of this girl. It's incumbent upon the school to meet your request. I, too, agree that your daughter should not have been the one to change homerooms, but I'm glad it worked out for the best for her. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.M.

answers from Santa Fe on

teach your daughter karate, that should do it.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.L.

answers from Phoenix on

Wow! What a lot of good responses! To restate and support what others have said, we live in a time of zero tolerance for bullying. Go beyond the counselor to the principal, then to the district, then to the police, and then a lawyer. As others have said, your daughter is not to blame and should not be the one who is punished.

Here's a great book for you: Odd Girl Out: Hidden Aggression Among Girls.

Good Luck!

D.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.W.

answers from Tucson on

Bullying with girls is so much different than boys. I am working on a Psych. research paper now about aggression in girls. Keep talking with you daughter. So many times girls internalize problems with other girls and make themselves believe it is their own fault that they are being pushed around. A good book is Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. When I am finished with my research paper I can mail it to you. My paper is due April 15ish. The author of the book was on Oprah a few years ago. Often times aggression in girls goes unoticed because it's more sneaky than boys who just hit and fight. It is just accepted because they are boys, but girls can hurt their closest friends without ever throwing a punch. Anyway .. keep the communication lines open with your dauther.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from Flagstaff on

Shame on the school counselor for not doing more! There is a state wide bullying hotline. Your school district should be able to give you the number, if not the local police department will.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I would request a meeting with the principal and/or the school's police officer (most have one assigned to the campus). You're right that the bully is the one who should be delt with, not the victims. Make your stance firm that you want her held accountable for her bad behavior.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.S.

answers from Phoenix on

I was listening to National Public Radio yesterday morning, an author was being interviewed about her new book, "Please Stop Laughing at Us," by Judy Blanco. The subject was bullying and I know (with a 9 year old granddaughter who is already experiencing the beginnings of exclusion, verbal attacks, etc.) that I will be looking for this book. In the meantime, try dr show.org and link to the website-dr is Diane Reems (sp?) the host of the program. I was driving at the time, but I think I have the information fairly accurate.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.J.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi B. C,
I have 2 older kids (18 yrs & 20 yrs) and we had a similar problem with my son when he was 14...the bully will not stop as long as they are accomplishing their goal...and for your daughter to make these changes would be just that. I suggest you go to the vice principal or the principal - we had success with this as the principal had a meeting with the students (bully and the victims) and all the parents, and laid down the rules of conduct at school and what would happen if any further bullying was observed or reported - it did work.
The bully has to be made to understand that the conduct will not be tolerated...and if the school will not do something about it - go to the board of supervisors for the school or keep going up the chain of command until someone is willing to help resolve this. Do not give in to the bully and do not stop seeking resolution to this problem. Can you imagine what this bully-girl will be like as an adult? She needs help, guidance and rules and the current counselor you have been speaking with is not doing her any good nor does it sound like the school is doing their job - no child should have to be afraid to go to school. Please seek further help...not just for your daughter, but for the bully too.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Phoenix on

My daughter is bullied at school, too. She was told by the playground monitor to talk to her teacher. Her teacher then referred her back to the playground monitor. We raised the issue to the principal, and were pretty much told to mind our own business and that they were "handling it." So frustrating. And I watch my daughter become a shell of herself, full of fear.

Our solution is to remove her from the school starting next year. We found a charter school that has a "no bullying" policy. We're also going to start her with a therapist for private counciling.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.G.

answers from Santa Fe on

B., I feel so badly for your daughter, however the attitude of the counselor is very perplexing. Instead of dealing with the troubled student, it seems like the school does not want to deal with her and make you and your daughter accommodating to her bullying. Please keep on top of the situation. Schedule a meeting with the principal and make it known that you will not tolerate the bullying and you expect the school to take a more proactive role to make her safe during the school day. If you do not see that the school does not have your daughter's safety as their priority, then meet with the superintendent and board members if need be. Remember, these people are employed not only to educate your child, but to assure her safety. I worked for the schools for many years and was very fortunate to work with administrators who had a zero tolerance for bullying. Students who continue this behavior have mastered the art of control and it is up to the adults to put a stop to it. Best of luck to you and your daughter!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.W.

answers from Tucson on

First off let me tell you that I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter and to you. As a mom I know that it hurts you probably worse then it does her.

My 11 year old is now in his 3rd school this year. He was bullied and assaulted to the point that charges were filed by us and those boys went to trial. The second school he was stabbed in the side and sliced across the face with a pencil. I myself am at my wits end with the whole district. Do not think that they will protect your baby because they wont. I hate to be so negative but I gave them the benefit of the doubt and they did NOTHING. My son has since been diagnosed with PTSD as well as worsened anxiety. You should go down to the school and raise hell. Threaten to get the state board of education involved, get the district involved and make sure you talk to all of your daughters teachers. Talk and keep talking, eventually people will listen. Please dont be passive about this. If you need to talk feel free to email me. [email protected]____.com
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.K.

answers from Phoenix on

I so sympathize with you and your daughter. Ihave no answers other than thats what our tax dollars seem to pay for in the public school system. I removed our now 14yr old 4 years ago and am home-schooling. It's GREAT! I think I might go to the superintendent of your district and see if you can get the teachers and principal to be accountable, also there is free legal help available if needs be. BEST OF LUCK!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.B.

answers from Phoenix on

I know this may sound extreme, but I would call the police department. There is absolutely no reason for this to be happening. It is rediculous that your childs school isn't taking this seriously. I know that in our schools bullying is a very serious offense. I have seen children suspended and expelled for bullying. If this was an adult persuing other adults, she would end up arrested.

This is your chance to really show your daughter that you/she will not tolerate this anymore. Go to the school. Demand to talk with the principal and demand a meeting with the other childs parents. I'd bet this girls parents are totally unware of this situation, and I'd bet they would NOT be Ok with her treating your daughter like this.

Good Luck,
J.

PS - I just hit EDIT after reading your "What Happened" - I just want to say, "WAY TO GO MAMA!" I'm glad you're getting this taken care of!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.F.

answers from Phoenix on

We should talk. I am a military wife,37 and I have a 14 yr old daughter. (3 younger boys too) We live in Goodyear, but we moved from San Antonio and she was bullied for 2 yrs there. Even now a few years later my daughter has some issues that i think stemmed from the bullying. I agree with you that the school is not doing enough and the bully is winning. I don't know why the school doesn't see that. You've got to be the squeeky wheel. Bullying is hard because it is always done when noone else can see and Unless it is bad enough, like a threat on life or they actually strike your child, it's like they won't do anything. And the whole time you watch your child go from liding school to hating it and struggling because of this other person. You need to go up the chain and some people told me to threaten lawsuit or something like that. Good luck. Hang in there and Keep talking to your daughter. What does she want you to do?

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.H.

answers from Phoenix on

B., I feel for you. I had that same problem with my daughter in HS. I went to the principle and the counselor NUMEROUS times and was basically told the same as you, plus, "We cannot do anything unless something happens." "I said, "What, my daughter has to get hurt or die first?" She was this little tiny thing and the leader of the harrassing GANG was about 6' tall. One day my daughter was walking in the hall and this girl snuck up behind her and punched under the pile of books and papers she was carrying, and they went flying everywhere! She snapped. Turned around and said, "You wanna fight??!!! OK we will fight!!!" Suddenly she felt someone grab her from behind. Thinking it was one of the gang friends of this girl she turned around and let loose a big punch. Well....it happened to be a teacher trying to break up the fight and she gave her a black eye! My daughter was suspended and sent home! I was furious!!! I went storming into te principle's office through his secretary's barracade and said, "I have bee here NUMEROUS times and so has my daughter! You said nothing could be done until something happened. Well now it has happened and I want to know what you are going to do about it?!" I also told him I was bringing my daughter to school the next day and if she got any grief from him or anyone else, I was hiring an attorney and suing for her civil rights. She never had another problem after that, and the girls in the gang were all expelled and sent to "juvenile" a few months later as they actually made a death threat to another kiddo.! I was told by an attorney friend that "terroristic threats" are against the law with no time limit on them. So if your daughter has been threatened by this person, it just might be time to look into legal action. You can look in your search engine and try and find attorneys in your area that might just go by your income or check with the state bar for 'legal aide', depending on your finanaces. Unfortunately this stuff happens and it sucks! No one should have to fear getting an education!!! I don't know if this helps any, but sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone. Good luck to you both!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.F.

answers from Albuquerque on

HI B.. I am sorry to hear about your daughters troubles. First off I would request a talk with the priciple the counselor, and that bullie and her parnets in the same room at the same time. Your child should not have to change schools in order to get away from this girl, and I would make it very clear to them that if they do not handle this problem, the school board will be hearing about it, and about the way the problem is being handled. You just need to make it very clear to them that you are not going to let them brush this off because they do not want to deal with the situation. Especially since this has been an ongoing problem.
My sister had a similar experience with a boy in her class and all it took was for my father to go up to that school in his military uniform( he was in the national guard at the time) and have a talk with the teacher and the principle. He made it clear that his child was not going to have anymore problems or they were going to have a problem with him. If your husband is here, have him go up there with you, you just have to let them know that you are not going to go anywhere, and that they are going to do what they are supposed to do, to make sure your child can feel safe going to school.
Get tough girl,, make them want to deal with the bullie, rather than to have to deal with you! I'll be praying for you!

P.S
You said your daughter is a black belt? Girl, all it would take is for her to lay that bully out one good time, and I gaurntee that she won't have anymore problems out of her or no one else ! :0)

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.P.

answers from Flagstaff on

Go down to that school and don't leave until you get an appointment with the administrator, the girl (bully), you and your daughter. A lot of times, all it takes is a CALM face to face meeting with grownups to cool things off.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.R.

answers from Phoenix on

B.

this is your baby call the police and file a complaint
if the school wont fix it or else have a meeting w/ the parents of the child at school w/ the principal or counselor

V.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.K.

answers from Phoenix on

We have had similiar problems. make sure you make a formal complaint with the principle and document everytime and who you talk with at the school. Also inform the district office so they have it on record. Find other parents that have had similiar prblems with this child and have them do the same thing. Your daughter should not have to make all the accomodations. The other child is the one that needs to be punished and it needs to happen at school. If nothing gets done you can file an harrasment charge.

Good Luck!
C.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.N.

answers from Phoenix on

get specific incidences and go above the counselor. Bullying is a no tolerance policy at most schools. This school is allowing this girl to bully and not taking charge of the situation. You can press charges for harassment and stuff if it persists and the school refuses to do anything. Go to the principal and tell him/her what's going on and why your upset and concerned for your daughter. Tell them how concerned you are for her safety. That'll get their attention.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from Phoenix on

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter being bullied and it shouldn't have happened to your daughter in the first place since the school district has rules for that. Did your daughter explain to her stay away and did the counselor does the same to the bully? I just hope that your advice to your daughter will work. It sounds to me that someone(counselor) needs to talk with her parents and her(the Bully) go over the ocncerns for your daughters safety. K.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.T.

answers from Phoenix on

I've been a teacher for six years. I've worked in two different schools. I am sickened that your school is asking you to move your daughter and have your daughter stay away from the bully. Your child has rights and you need to make sure that she gets those rights. I am posting a webpage address and quote I found on the topic.

http://www.lawforkids.org/laws/view_law.cfm?id=29

"Arizona has a new law that requires schools to have policies on bullying, harassment and intimidation. The message is clear: create an environment where bullying is not tolerated. Each school is required to have a procedure for students, parents and teachers to confidentially report bullying behavior to a school official to trigger investigation, punishment and prevention of further bullying behavior. (A.R.S. §15-341). If the bullying acts threaten or actually cause injury to a person or property, then more severe penalties are called for and carried out under Arizona’s criminal laws. (A.R.S. §13-2911)."

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.B.

answers from Phoenix on

Ok, I didn't read through all of the responses, but from what I did read, they all pretty much emphasized the same things - fight back, speak up for your daughter's rights, go up the chain of command, etc. All very good responses and that is what my initial reaction was too. But I'd like to throw another thought out there - how about your daughter trying to initiate some type of friendship with the girl? I am not condoning the bully's behavior AT ALL, but people who bully have low self esteem and you don't know this girl or the reason she is bullying or what her home situation is like. Our society is so screwed up when all they want to do is ignore a problem or point fingers and label a child/tell the problem child how bad she is. I know you are hurting for your daughter and no child deserves to be bullied, but maybe you can help show your child how to be compassionate and try and reach out to the bully girl in some way. Just another way to approach the situation I thought I'd share. And if being nice doesn't work, then continue your daughter's taekwando lessons and kick her booty! : )

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.M.

answers from Phoenix on

My 6 yr. old daughter was being bullied at school & I had a meeting with all the parent, teacher & principal. We all worked together to get the girls to deal with one another. Their are a few that still don't like her but they leave her alone & are not rude to her during recess. I think talking with the parents helped with the situation.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.L.

answers from Albuquerque on

I think that you should contact the parents of this other child and speak to them about this behavior and if that doesnt work, I would also call APS police and put in a complaint about her. It is one thing for girls to bicker at one another but to be constantly tormented is another. I dont think that you should have to move your child when the other girl is the culprit. If there are enough complaints, the school will have to do something about her. Try talking with her parents first, if it continues then I would get APS police involved. Good luck and tell your daughter to hold her ground and keep her chin up.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.F.

answers from Phoenix on

Honestly! The school is basically encouraging your daughter to remain a victim and facilitating the bully! I would request a meeting with the principal and the counselor and stand your ground that your daughter is not the problem and they need to deal with the problem which is the bully. If nothing is resolved in that meeting, get an attorney and I am not kidding. The school district should have the resources to deal with this girl. If they don't step up and do it - force the issue. All of this will also send the message to your daughter that she does not have to be a victim. Good luck!

S. F.
Phoenix AZ
Mom to 8 great kids

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.D.

answers from Flagstaff on

i'm really surprised at the way the school is handling the situation if all the information is true. i don't have any advise, my son gets bullied at school yet i feel that the teachers intervene when necessary. i would feel pretty angry if the school is telling you to find a different school to put your child in if she is the non-aggressor in the situation.
i know my husband was small when he was a kid and was bullied constantly. his parents put him into a boxing/self defense class. they taught how you don't go looking for trouble, and always walk away when possible. there was time it wasn't possible to walk away so my husband punched the kid, and he never had any problems being bullied again...
hope it doesn't come down to it, yet i'd want my child to feel safe and self-reliable...(not having to have to go to a grown up for help in this situation because it may only make things worse.)

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.H.

answers from Phoenix on

B.
I am so sorry. This is so frustrating. My son had a similar problem with bullying. Most schools have a no tolerance policy for violence and bullying. I would call directly to the school district and get more information. You may want to contact an attorney or the police find out if you can get an order of protection. There are consequences to bullying, you need to make phone calls and do not give up. Even if you chose to leave the school this other child must be held responsible. I believe they are passing laws against bullying or they have already done so. We filled charges against the boys that were bullying our son and therefore it has been recorded. Incase they do it to someone else. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches