Bridal Shower - Conneaut,OH

If you all cannot put together a list of people that SHE wants at her shower, I would not have one.

Nothing worse than throwing a party and only having some random people that do not really want to be there attend.

There is no rule that there has to be a shower.
I would skip it and be happy there is even a wedding.

grump alert- i consider all invitations to events that are clearly off the table to be gift-grabs. if people are going to fly in for the wedding, let them off the hook for the dang shower.
just invite the locals.
khairete
S.

Why don't you & your mom & her mom take her to brunch the day before the wedding & pick up little traditional things such as the "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue". If she has any new friends or acquaintances invite them also, if not... There's only so much you can do. You could also ask those that can't come in early, to send in cards with well wishes & advice they wish they had, when they got married and or favorite recipe's. This way it doesn't look like you are asking for gifts. You can give these to her at the brunch or whatever get together you have.

If she is that picky, can't get along with family OR her new in laws to be I would just end her a card.

Sounds like she wants everyone to cater to her needs and be all out the expenses to make her happy..

I wouldn't waste my time, effort and money trying to appease someone who is a bridezilla and can never be satisfied.

You said it yourself.. She made her bed.. Allow her to wallow in the mess she made. It is not your job to cater to her.

Marda is exactly right. You are a sweetie to try to bridge this monstrous divide, but you just can't do it. You need to tell your mother no. (Not easy, I am sure, but she is not your boss and you just have to stick to your guns.)

The fact that she doesn't have friends to do this speaks volumes...

I've heard of having a shower in these circumstances in which the people far away from the bride have a shower without the bride. Then they take or send the gifts to the bride.

If she has no friends in Ohio and she's not emotionally close to her relatives and she already has an established home, I suggest a shower is not appropriate. The purpose of a shower is to share the bride's happiness and help her with household/personal needs. In her case it sounds like the shower is mostly filling a sense of obligation. I suggest that etiquette does not require giving a shower.

I'm surprised people with whom she's rarely been in contact with for 10 years would spend that much money to spend only one day for te wedding. I think the bride should appreciate their attendance and not also expect a shower gift. I would consider their presence their wedding gift.

You invite her local friends and family. If that is only 3 people, then the 3 of you get together. Like you said, if she doesn't have any family or friends close by, there isn't much you can do about it. I understand you wanting to help her out, but really, I would not worry much about it. Maybe she will see she needs to make more friends now that she's married. I would not bother trying to do or organize anything for people out of state. Good luck.

I would not have a shower.

a shower is not a must, I would skip it.

If she won't come to where you are, I think you do not have to do a shower. The whole idea of a shower is where people get together to celebrate upcoming nuptials. It's not just about asking people to give yet another gift to the bride. And you said she hasn't seen these people in years.

If you definitely want to do something, make a basket of small items from her registry and send it from you and your mom with your best wishes. But unless there is an actual shower you are hosting, I would not include the other relatives in this. Because then it's not a shower, it would be simply another gift request.

Does she (the bride) have ANYONE who even WANTS to come and celebrate with her? Based on what you've shared here who would be on the guest list anyway? Sounds like she's basically estranged from family, doesn't get along with future in laws and doesn't have any friends. How sad.
I wouldn't let my mom bully or guilt me into hosting what's sure to be a difficult and pathetic event. Instead, why don't you offer to take her (the bride) our for a special afternoon, lunch, spa, etc? Invite your mom and anyone else to come along if they like. That way you can still do something special without all the trappings of a traditional shower.

In my world it is rude as hell to invite someone to a shower when they would have to fly and stay in a hotel for the shower. This does not apply to grandma, aunts, siblings, ya know, immediate family, those that at one point you shared a home with.

For immediate family you send out an invitation, they mail in a card with a check. Everyone else you leave alone.

In my family we live across the country from my dad's family. We were never invited to showers and that was not a big deal to anyone.

Looking at your what happened, we always invited all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. They didn't have to go to the rehearsal, just the dinner. I have been invited to the rehearsal dinner when I have come in from out of town. That has always been the best you can do.

As you said, she made her bed. Not your place to lie in it for her.

Sounds like SHE needs to fly. Seems only fair, to me. Ask her when she can come out, and then set it up for then. Done.

If she doesn't want to fly, then I guess she doesn't want a shower. It's really that simple in my book. What is she thinking?

I really do not understand the mentality these days that "modern" brides seem to have... that they are the center of the universe and everyone in their life needs to drop everything to prioritize HER every whim and desire. Sorry. That is absurd to expect. And then everyone is surprised when marriages don't last... well... take a gander at how difficult the bride is before hand and that seems like it would be a clue.

If the bride expects the moon and sun to revolve around her before the wedding, what do you think she expects of her spouse after the wedding? And if she DOES get what she asks before the wedding from everyone else, poor husband doesn't stand a chance of her being reasonable in the future. That's the way I view it.
And of the rest of you can feel free to disagree if you happened to be a Bridezilla in a former iteration of yourself. But I just don't get the whole "I'm queen thing." For a DAY, maybe... but that means A. DAY. Not the 6-8 months preceding that day. ON your wedding day, I wouldn't dream of creating drama for you. But in the planning stages, I'd have no problem saying they were being ridiculous, or declining whatever absurd request or demand was issued to me.

Those who are flying out for the wedding should not have to spring for a shower the day before. Two days, 2 gifts? It sounds like a shower that close to the wedding will actually take away from the wedding. So skip it! You're trying to force an event on someone who doesn't want it. And she's 35 so she's not exactly hurting for kitchen gadgets, I'm guessing. I got married at 32 and didn't have a shower, and never thought twice about it. I think you can take her out for a nice lunch if you go early, but don't make it a shower. Just share the excitement about her wedding and make the visit all about that.

Moreover, trying to have a shower with just a few people kind of highlights the absences of the others.

The only pre-wedding ritual that comes from the shower is the collection of bows from the gifts - in many circles, those get attached to a paper plate (with any stray ribbon streaming down) and this becomes the rehearsal bouquet so she can practice walking down the aisle holding something and then hand it to her maid of honor. If she is having a rehearsal and a MOH, you can go early and make something from any wedding gifts she has received, or get some silly flowers (the tackier the better) from the dollar store to make a funny practice bouquet.

But if she's difficult in all these ways, I'd skip the whole thing. Just be there with a big smile for the wedding and offset the problems with the groom's family.

one of my high school friends surprised me with a mail in baby shower with my first baby. She set it up with friends that they would mail presents to arrive during a certain week, and I had no idea until presents started showing up. It was so sweet and fun, maybe you could do something like that.

Can the shower be done the week of the wedding? Both my sister-in-law and I did that. For her wedding, people (including the bride and groom) came to Kentucky from something like 10 different states. For mine, people came to Minnesota from like 6 different states. We both did our bridal shower on Thursday afternoon/evening, rehearsal dinner on Friday, wedding on Saturday. Neither of us had a bachelorette party. The shower replaced that. If would depend on how big the shower was going to be. Mine was about a dozen close friends and family and nothing super fancy. My SIL's was the same. If you are planning 100 people at the shower that might not work. You could even do a Friday morning brunch if the bride doesn't think that would be too much. I actually had three showers. Some friends of mine from work did a shower for me earlier that included friends who lived here. One of my husband's co-workers did a couples' shower for us. The shower the week of the wedding was done by my maids of honor and included family and friends who came in from out of state.

Gee, I'm sorry but I don't think there's any way to tactfully do this.

MAYBE you could call the 4 people personally and ask if they are going to be in town anytime before the wedding (I know you already know they won't) because you were trying to organize a small luncheon shower.
IF they "bite" and offer to send something for you to give her, collect the gifts, money, etc, take her to lunch or lunch/pedi and present the gifts. Take photos of her receiving the gift/s and get it to the senders. Desperately from her thank you notes, of course.

with the bride being so far away I think I would invite who ever you have close to you and have a gift card shower most give to where ever she is registered. take photos and send them and the gift cards to her. t hat way she can get the thank you's out before the wedding.

I think you could have a small get together the week before the wedding, even the day of the rehearsal. There is no need for anyone to fly for this or that. Simply have a lunch or after dinner get together that week.

No offense, I realize she is family-but oh my goodness, she could be a little bit nicer and lenient. It's hard to make it to a wedding that is out of state, I know I've been there-AND I've been in a wedding that was out of state which is even harder.

I like the idea of having a gift card shower. Maybe either go in on one giant gift card OR have everyone get her a $25 gift card from somewhere (personally I'd go with visa or mastercard and let her choose how to spend it). and send them to her that way. Anything else, you are looking at shipping costs to send her a big package, unless you send it to her directly from the website that you bought it.

One idea, some friends of mine did a few years ago and I wish I knew how it worked but for their honeymoon, they had a site that had what they wanted to do and people could buy them something to do. Like my husband and I put money towards a hot air balloon ride. We couldn't afford all of it, but we put money towards it for them. So if you know what she wants to do on her honeymoon, maybe you could do something like that.

My sister got married 3 states away (an 8 hour drive) two years ago in November. We didn't do a shower per say. We did a bachlorette dinner on a Thursday night, a bridal luncheon on Friday, and the wedding was Saturday. Why not do something like that?

And then the following year we all had to drive the 8 hours again to throw her a baby shower...I love her, but the distance can be a lot. Though I would go to attend all of those events for her whether I threw them or not.

So maybe just do what we did and plan in all right before the wedding??

I've heard of online bridal showers, but it just seems tacky to me. When my sister and I got married (we both live 400 miles away from our hometown, and our weddings were in our current town), my aunts organized a shower for us and we flew home for our shower, and drove back with my parents in their van and all our shower presents.

ETA: I don't know why it is expected for the groom's family to shower the bride too. My husband's culture doesn't do it, and I was so relieved. It would have been very awkward for me to be surrounded by guests giving gifts to me when I barely knew who most of them were.

Does she not want to go back to OH for the shower because she can't afford the plane ticket? If that's the case and if I had a close relationship with her, then I would suggest sharing the cost of plane fare with a few others in lieu of a shower gift. But it sounds like this isn't that kind of situation...