Becoming a Better SAHM & Not Taking Advantage of Dh's Firefighter Schedule

I'm sorry. I'm not sure I understand your question. How are you taking advantage of your husband's schedule?

Cut yourself some slack...... you are just coming out of sleep deprivation. That is a real thing!

Now if you feel you are taking advantage of your husband because he is helping with the kids and around the house I urge you to get over that right away. It is his house and his kids too. His schedule contributes to him being a part of your family and models to your kids that Dad's don't just bring home the $, but they get involved. Remind yourself: You have a FULL-TIME job....... your job is 24 hours on call EVERYDAY.

Strategize with your husband how to keep a more organized house, but let any ideas of perfection go. Kiss you DH and thank him for being such an involved husband and Dad.

So your house is messier... your kids are loved - that's what's important. You can clean and do laundry when they go to college. It takes 2 parents to raise kids. He might work outside the home, but you work just as hard - whether he is there or not.
There is no place for guilt...
You are doing just fine.
LBC

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Do not ever feel guilty because your husband in sharing in the parenting and household responsibilities! I'm glad he's not complaining, because he has nothing to complain about. When he is not working at his job, he is part of a marriage, a partnership. If he is spending time with his kids or sharing in the domestic chores, then his an active partner in your (plural) marriage and household. This is not your (singular) responsibility, it is your (plural) responsibility.

Move aside ladies...I GOT this one.

My dad was a FF for 31 GLORIOUS years. I say that because he was FAR happier on the job. Retirement has been horrible for him. 24/7 home with my mom would make ME postal.

Okay, the 24 hour shift is like THREE days of work when you break it down. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Being a SAHM is crazy. I've done it for the last four years and love it but it IS a job/work. THE BEST JOB EVER but it's hard.

I knew of very FEW FF that didn't have second job. It's just what they DO. My dad delivered appliances and LOVED IT. He said it was nice to go into houses that WEREN'T on FIRE!

FF are also like old women. They talk and talk and talk and TALK. He came home with story after story of after his deliveries.

My sister is also married to a fire fighter. He teaches on occasion and also formed and fire and police bagpipe/drum marching band. He figured that MUSIC degree wasn't going to help him be a FF but EVERYBODY loves the bagpipes!

My sister KNEW what she was getting into and STILL has issues with the work schedule especially if he works a 48 hour shift when cold and flu season hits Wisconsin. I've made many late night trips to Walgreens for her so she didn't have to take the kids out at night when my BIL is at work. He's been a FF for almost ten years and her house looks a lot like yours. It just happens but as long as you don't end up on "Hoarders" (my new guideline) you're all good. Her kids are five and eight. Your kids are LITTLE! Just breathe sweetie!

Good luck and GOD BLESS ALL FIRE FIGHTERS!

Oh, honey, don't be too hard on yourself! Adding #2 is always a challenging adjustment! Start small -- I've found it easiest to set up a routine cleaning schedule over the years (I work part-time and my kiddos are 10 and 7). I always try to do one load of laundry a day - if nothing else, towels, if you don't have time or energy to sort! Then, choose one chore per day, i.e, bathrooms one day, vacuuming another, floors the next, etc. You can pick one or two days to just focus on laundry, maybe one day for kids clothes, the other for the others. It takes such a burden off my shoulders to know that I only have to get that ONE thing done today.

As far as toys, etc., goes, 2.5 years old is definitely old enough to take part in the cleaning up process. It takes some time, but first try to not let ALL the toys to be taken out at once - allow one activity at a time and have it cleaned up before the next starts. Clean up before meals, going outside, etc., as well. An easy way to organize toys is to have shelves with baskets or bins - take one basket out, play, put them back in the basket and away on the shelf before taking the next one. An empty basket lets you pick up the odds and ends after bedtime that will the kids will sort and put away in the morning.

Best of luck!

I would start with a simple schedule. For instance clean the bathrooms every Monday. Empty the trash every Tuesday. Remember its not easy to get things done and keep the house clean when the are very small.
I would look at your husbands schedule like this. I would try to be as self sufficent as possible. Dont depend on his help. Maybe you could say the taking the trash out is his job. When he is home he could take the 2yr old to the park and put her to bed. You would defintely feel his help but he would not behelping continually.

I think you have to give yourself some slack here. Two is twice as hard as one and a newborn is harder than a toddler. You're still learning to navigate within your new family dynamic. My youngest is 13 months and I feel like I'm still trying to get the hang of it. I can guarantee you most of us have dishes and laundry piled up. I think the moms who are totally on top of it and keep it all totally together are an anomaly. It's something to strive for but not the standard to which you should compare yourself. Again, just give yourself (and your family)some room and time to adjust. You've had a lot of changes and nothing settles overnight. Enjoy your precious new baby and don't worry so much about the dishes and laundry. They'll get done eventually. Right now you're job is to be a MOM (not a maid, not a chef). Your babe needs you to be focused on her so get into your mom groove and the rest will come eventually.

I agree with Christine. Make a schedule. Look at it as your job, and these are requirements that have to get done. If your boss asks for a report on Monday, you'd better turn it in Monday. Same idea here. If the list says bathrooms get cleaned on Monday, get them done. Especially since your husband is picking up a SECOND job, you really should try to make it so he has less to do at home. (Notice I say less, not nothing).

Now, that being said, it is more difficult to get back into the swing of things after adding another child. I have three kids and I work full time in a very demanding job. It took us about 5 months before we FINALLY felt back in our groove after the newest came. And even now we still feel crazy sometimes! But it will all come in time. Be patient with yourself.

Just put yourself in the other's shoes (your husband in this instance). Think of how sad you would be to be away from your family and esp your kids all day. And, how stressed out his job makes him (if he is in fact in a stressful job). What would you want when you came home? And, is it too much to ask to request that person "provide" it to you? Work out a schedule that works for the two of you.

What are the things that bother him the most? For ex, does a messy living room with toys all over bother him, or would he prefer a clean kitchen sink and counter? My pick is the kitchen, but his may be a clean path to the couch! Ask him!

And realize that you won't get every single thing done every day. There are days I leave the office and I haven't finished all my projects. I know they can wait until the next day. But those with deadlines I never leave. Prioritize based on what you and your husband agree should get done first.

Good luck!

I think it's really hard, after having a another baby, to get back in the swing of things.
When it was just me and my son at home, I was on top of everything. We had different scheduled times. School time, play time, TV, time, meals, cleaning and so on. Then I had my baby girl.
And BAM that schedule went to hell haha.
Now my son is going to be 3 in Aug. and my daughter is 9 months old.
I've started getting back into the swing of things. The house is always clean, meals are done etc
My schedule is still messed a bit though. My hubby went from working 10am-7pm to now working 8am - 5pm. Then we just moved into a new house. Can you say hectic?
So I try to fix the schedule one thing at a time. I make sure the most important things are still in place. Meals, nap-time, cleaning and so forth are back in order.
Now if only I can get my play, tv, learning, etc schedule back. Then I will be golden.

One day at a time, it will all come back to ya.

I have the same issue in my marriage; my husband works odd hours. It was the source of a lot of conflict between us that I expected him to be an equal partner in the household when he wasn't working (or sleeping because he had to work an overnight shift). My feeling is that just because the "traditional" marriage has a husband who works a lot more than he does and isn't available to run the kids to preschool on a weekday doesn't mean that he is absolved of that responsibility in our household. You work 24 hrs + when your husband works. AND you work every night taking care of your infant. That's a lot. You're doing great and when you find what works for your family, don't consider how much other SAHMs have to work (or not work). And, don't let your husband use that as an excuse for not doing his part when he's home. Good luck!

My house resembles your remarks. One person has helped us begin a turn around: FlyLady! Check out flylady.com. She says it didn't take a day to get into this mess, it's going to take more than a day to get out of it. Baby steps. A load a day keeps the CHAOS away (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). Her words and website has helped my husband and I totally turn around our attitudes about housecleaning. Blessings on your own turn around.

I personally think that anyone with kids under the age of about three or four should have a part-time maid, just to help try to keep the house halfway decent looking. And I think the maid should be mandatory and paid for by the government. Europe gives their parents a stipend for every child they have, to help defray the costs of raising children. We get no such help. If I had to chose between money or a maid--I'd take the maid, hands down!

I only have one child and I was completely and totally overwhelmed (she's also special needs, so enough said). Having two children under the age of three--honey, with a newborn, you're lucky if you can pull yourself out of bed every day. Getting meals on the table is a tremendous accomplishment in and of itself. The worse thing you want to do is make yourself into SuperMom and then have to worry about adrenal fatigue (which I have and is no fun--going on two years of making myself healthy. Any time I stay up a little bit late or have a very intense and busy day--I'm shot for the next day or two).

I don't think guys/husbands totally understand just what moms all do and how hard being a mom is. Putting aside the sheer aspect of giving birth and putting our bodies literally through the ringer (he'd be dead and tired and sore for days too if he had to push a little one out into the world), bringing a newborn home to a household that already has a toddler--well, let's just say if you get any sleep time, you're doing wonderfully great!

What I'm trying to say is, as long as the house isn't certified a fire hazard and the county dept isn't going to come in and condemn it, it can be less than spic 'n span. Once your children are no longer wee ones you can get back to having a wonderfully clean and spotless house. You're not going to have that when the kids are little anyway.

If you want to try to stay on top of the mess--so it doesn't get huge--see if you can budget in a weekly or a bi-monthly maid service that can come in and give your household a fairly good cleaning. If you can afford it, that might help give you some peace of mind.

When you're a mom, the most precious things you should be concerned and worried about, in my opinion, are raising the children. The house is important (esp. keeping up the outside of the house and the grounds), but the inside isn't such a big deal. You and your family are the ones who will be living there and will see the house daily. The level of unruliness depends on how much/what you can take. Can you live with a little clutter and a little dirt? If so, I really wouldn't let it bother me. I know others who are neat freaks will probably freak out at what I've typed, but really, I'd rather spend my time with my child than cleaning my house all day. If that's all I'm interested in doing, then I should have gone into housekeeping and not into motherhood.

I agree, you're being way to hard on yourself. When I was a kid, my best friend's mom had a sign on her fridge that has stuck with me: "An immaculate house is the sign of a misspent life."

But I also know how strange it can be when you and/or your spouse is on a schedule that's not 9-5 (since our entire culture is built around a 9-5, M-F schedule.) You both might feel better about things if you create a more regular schedule for yourselves of activities and chores: Wed is laundry day, Friday is mow the lawn day, Tuesday is clean the bathroom day - and if he happens to be working on one of those days, the chore gets moved to the next available day. And then you do the chore together (whether its that one of you watches the kids while the other mows the lawn, or you all sit together and fold laundry.) Since you don't have a "traditional" division of work/home time, you might both feel better if you create a less "traditional" division of labor. Then it will also be clear what you both expect of each other - and the ways in which you both contribute to the household. You will both be surprised, if you sit down and each make a list of how you contribute to the household, how much of what you do is invisible to the other person. So sit down, make some lists, come up with some kind of a structure (schedule or otherwise) that you can both feel good about, and that contains the kind of flexibility that your lives (with an erratic work schedule and small children) demand.