SAHM - Is It Your "Job" to Take Care of the House?

I'm a SAHM of three. My husband is the same way. I find that it helps to remind him every once in a while how much harder my job is so twice a year I go shopping once at Christmas and once in the spring for new summer clothes, I leave my husband alone with the kids for an entire day. I After breakfast I take out what ever I want for dinner with instruction on how to make it then leave and stay out all day and get home just in time for dinner. It usually reminds him that my jobs is not just sitting around and eating BonBons all day.
Also one time after he asked me what I did all day I sat down and made him a very detailed list of exactly what I did that day and remind him that when he is sick he can take the day and he gets weekends off I don't.

I think it was Dr Phil who told the story of his wife's response when he asked his pregnant wife what did she do all day - I grew a heart today.

I know you've already received a lot of responses, but this is such a hot issue, I couldn't help chiming in.

I am a stay-at-home MOM. It's right there in the title. MOM, not maid. My priority is to take care of my girls. Next comes chores. Some days I have time for cleaning, some days I don't. Sometimes when we're really busy the house will go all week without picking up.

Now, that being said... I do believe that it's my responsibility to do most of the housework since I am at home. However, if my husband sees something that needs to be done, he can do it too. If he needs laundry, he's totally able to wash the clothes. My husband would NEVER tell me it's my JOB to clean the house. Wow, if he did, he knows he'd be sleeping on the couch. It's not his job to manage you, or to question you, or to belittle you. How dare he! Your husband needs to realize your job is to be a mom first, everything else comes second. Next time he points out a mess, give him the broom. He can do it if it bothers him so bad.

I guess I would treat your role as any other job...Meaning, it comes with:

(And BTW, I don't mean these things "literally" but to customize them for your unique SAHM situation)

1. A set amount of daily break time (say two 15 min breaks and 1 hr lunch)
2. An unpredictable time frame. Maybe you are on duty for 8 hrs one day but 12 the next (this is similar to a salaried vs hourly job).
3. 20 days of PTO (paid time off) that the employee can use at their discretion to cover family vacation, illness, etc.)
4. A boss who assigns tasks, prioritizes, etc. (This one could be tough in your situation...Because your husband doesn't sound like he'd make a super awesome boss for you...It might have to be more of a consultative/negotiator approach vs boss)
5. A regular ROI (return on investment) analysis. Regularly outline for your "boss" how much you contribute to the bottom line by NOT paying for child care, etc.
6. A quarterly/annual performance review and development plan. This is where you outline what is working well, what isn't and some goals you like to set for your own personal growth and job satisfaction.
7. A quarterly/annual "engagement" survey. This is where employees have a chance to rate their working environment, professional support, etc...Meaning, your chance to review your boss' performance.

I am not a SAHM. I have to tell you that my husband and I split all other home/child duties equally because we both work. If I didn't, I suspect I would be the one setting high expectations for MYSELF to deliver an exceptional family experience. I do nothing less for my employer. Why wouldn't I strive to do a stellar job for my family?

Yeah, it's my "job". My job that no one pays me for. My job that I can't ever quit. My job that is 24/7. My husband works from home...he sits at his desk the entire time on the phone. Around 6pm he comes downstairs and says something like "what a day...I was on calls ALL DAY!" Well, guess what, he's done for the day. Lucky him, he can have a beer. After having cleaned the house, done the grocery shopping, maybe volunteered at the kids' schools, I still get to make dinner, clean up after dinner, make sure the kids are all done with their homework, get the kids ready and off to bed and maybe fold another basket of laundry. THEN I'm done - usually around 9pm. It's no wonder I'm exhausted and want to go to bed early, while he wants to stay up and watch TV until midnight, he hasn't physically exerted himself at all. Does your husband seriously expect you to be physically active with cooking, cleaning, etc. the ENTIRE time he's at work?! And into the evening?! Being pregnant?! When I was pregnant with my second child and my son was 2, I was so nauseous and fatigued constantly, that the house became a disaster area and dinner was usually take-out. My husband complained a bit, but I was so hormonal, I pretty much snapped at him when he tried to make me feel guilty. I JUST DIDN'T CARE. Making it through the day intact was hard enough. I told him there's no law against him doing laundry or cleaning the house. I didn't care how bad it was right then, but if HE did, he could do it himself. Now, things are a bit different, with all the kids in school. I do feel it's my responsibility to keep the house in order, but I have a huge house and I'm one person. If I was expected to keep the house clean constantly, dinner would never get made, laundry would never be done and the kids wouldn't ever see their mom. There's absolutely no way the whole house will be clean at one time. I strive for mostly tidy, most of the rooms. And when he says something, I again remind him of the absence of laws regarding husbands helping out around the house. And that whole thing with your husband needing to be fed while you were sick...what is he? A pre-schooler? That's pretty lame of him. He should come home from work and ask you what he can cook for dinner to help YOU out. Sorry, sweetie, you've got a spoilt, selfish man there.

What can you do to better your situation? I have no idea. It is CRAZY to me that a man would question what his pregnant wife is doing all day at home with his toddler. It is also SUPER nuts that he would try to equate his 9-5 job with that of a SAHM.
There will never, for as long as men and women live together, be equally divided labor. Moms will always do "more" than dads for the kids, they will always be held responsible for the general appearance of the family. (I'm not talking about the .01% that isn't).
I don't get this "job" thing. Isn't it our job as a *family* to help each other raise healthy, responsible children? Isn't it a *family* job to make sure the house is in working order? Honestly, if he wants it to be a "job" for you, then why don't you sit with him and come up with which 8 hours you will be working. Will it be 7-3? Is he going to have someone come over and give you an hour paid break?
Now I'm just mad. Unbelievable.

Well, if it's not your job, and your husband works from 8 am to 6:30 pm, whose job is it?
Of course, if you feel sick, things are not gonna get done as much, but yes, I think it IS your job. Unless you can afford to hire a housekeeper.
Check out www.flylady.net to help you better manage your time.

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Is it possible that your hubby is a little jealous that you "get" to stay at home all day? Is he maybe still adjusting to being the sole bread winner and he's just lashing out because he is tired, frustrated, stressed and jealous? My hubby and I had to seriously talk about his expectations when I first became a stay at home mom, because it was not quite as easy or organized as I expected. Sounds like you both need some time to get your footing. Be patient with each other and talk it out...that's the best advice I have to offer.

Well, I have had this discussion before! Yes, I do consider the housework and cooking and cleaning and childcare to be my job (when he is at work-when he is home it is 50-50--I don't get to clock out and put my feet up all night and he doesn't either!--he helps til the kids go to bed) BUT I do not consider my husband to be my boss. (Go back and read my recent questions and you'll see what I deal with). If your husband is sick (like when my husband is sick) he will take a sick day at work. He has the luxury of coming home and getting into bed--you, knowing he is sick, probably keep the kid/kids away from him, right? What SAHM has EVER had the luxury of a sick day? Not me. Tell him you took a sick day. Now, if I leave the vacuum out or haven't cleaned up something or other before my hubby gets home, he will comment on it, which frankly, I hate. He is not my manager, nor my boss, he has no idea that I constantly have to stop what I am doing to help a kid, get someone on the potty etc. Some of the clean up has to wait until the kids are settled. That's just how it is.

I talk about this ALL the time w./ my other sahm buddies and I am one of the odd ones that is lucky to have a hubbie that does not care about the house but cares that my daughter and I had a great day, explored and learned new things! wow....again lucky me. maybe this will help if you can get your husband to think like this:
I always say when you are on your death bed will you say: boy I wish I spent more time cleaning or will you say boy I wish I held, kissed and played w/ my family more!!!!!!
I also always say my house is a mess, well it is! and I do feel bad, but it is messy bc I spend a lot of time with my family and less time cleaning. This made me feel better, and I hope it makes you feel better too!!!

Took His Hand and Followed
Mrs. Roy L. Peifer

My dishes went unwashed today,

I didn't make the bed,

I took his hand and followed

Where his eager footsteps led.

Oh yes, we went adventuring,

My little son and I...

Exploring all the great outdoors

Beneath the summer sky

We waded in a crystal stream,

We wandered through a wood...

My kitchen wasn't swept today

But life was gay and good.

We found a cool, sun-dappled glade

And now my small son knows

How Mother Bunny hides her nest,

Where jack-in-the-pulpit grows.

We watched a robin feed her young,

We climbed a sunlit hill...

Saw cloud-sheep scamper through the sky,

We plucked a daffodil.

That my house was neglected,

That I didn't brush the stairs,

In twenty years, no one on earth

Will know, or even care.

But that I've helped my little boy

To noble manhood grow,

In twenty years, the whole wide world

May look and see and know.

It brings a tear to my eye!

When I was married and a SAHM, in a word "yes" the the house was my "job". And I treated it like one. Of course, I didn't get paid, but the cost v. benefit with paying for daycare was a no-brainer for us.

However, I worked the same hours as my husband: we got up at the same time, and started "working" at the same time. When he got home, I was done "working" and from that moment on, the chores were split. We took turns getting up in the middle of the night if someone was sick and if there was an evening activity for the kids we would trade off who was going to go and who was going to stay home. Dishes after dinner (dinner was done when he walked in the door) were divided equally.

Perhaps setting out a "work schedule" and dividing some of the evening home chores would help the two of you out.

Good luck!

I think since you are making a human in your belly that he can let a few things slide. My feeling is that if you are a stay at home mom then your responsibility is the home, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and caring for the children. BUT your day should have and end too, like his. When he gets home and has his dinner weather it be a full cooked meal or cereal. That should be where things need to be shared. Such as cleaning up the dinner mess, he clearing the table and you setting the dishwasher. You both should be relaxing at that point. Your little one can have a bath in the daytime. But you both should be taking care of your 3 year old at night. Saturday should be a 50/50 day with both of you doing things together. Sunday while he works, you should be relaxing because you are pregnant. When he asks what you did all day. I would just tell him I did what I was supposed to do, I took care of our child, did as much as I can do while I am pregnant. Maybe if you explain to him what it means to carry a baby in you, he might be a little more giving. House work will never be done all the time. He might as well get used to that. I used to freeze dinners for my husband in case I really did not feel like cooking. Make a few big dinners and freeze the leftovers. We have sandwich night, breakfast for dinner night, fend for yourself night and takeout night. Make a sauce , make enough to freeze a few meals!
Being a at home mom is so hard. He needs to have some respect for you. I hope it gets better.

Oh wow ~ you are really going to get alot of mom's answeing this one.

Ok well this is what I think about it.
Should we have to do it all. My answer is NO!
I believe that everyone has a part in making the mess and that we
all need to do our share in helping out. Family needs to work together so that the load doesn't fall on one person.

But ~ is this how things are.
No ~ not in my house.

My children are ages 10, 8, 4, and I am pregnant.
I have all the children help out around the house.
Does my house look super duper clean, no.
We try to do what we can.
About once every week and a half I do a big clean day with the kids.

Does my husband help ~ NO ~ not at all.

The problem here is my MIL did a good job raising her children, but they didn't help her in the house and she didn't make them.

I believe that if you start when your children are little and talk to them about how important it is to help out and have them help out often that will help them be helpful when they are teenagers and adults.

Now I know that you are talking about your husband.
Good luck with that one.

My husband does not help out around the house and he never did.
Fine, I have to live with that.
We have been married for 14 years.
He will not change.

One day my husband said something to me about the house
and I got right up in his face and I said to me,
" if you DO NOT help out around here then don't complain, for as long as you don't help DONT YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING TO ME AGAIN".

That was it, he shut up.

It's like this - if someone doesn't vote then they have no right to say
anything bad about what goes on in this country.

I am a SAHM and In my house I do what I can and that's the end of it.

All I can say is good luck.
Everyones house is different.
Don't feel bad if your friends husbands are helping and yours is not. They could be streaching the truth a bit.
When you talk to them, don't talk bad about your husband.

If I was you I would put a stop to his remarks, because remarks like what he has said is wrong and not nice.

I wish you the best.
= )

Staying home and taking care of a child IS a full time job, taking care of the house, cooking, laundry and all of those other little things is like another full time job in my opinion, so why should you be expected to have 2 full time jobs? I am a stay at home mom and I clean and cook a few days out of the week but there are definitely days where I don't do either because I am too busy with my son or just plain tired ( I am also pregnant) My husband would NEVER ask me what I've done all day if he comes home and the house isn't clean. He understands how hard it is to take care of my son and who is also very clingy and some days won't let me get a moment away from him. I am not saying you should do absoultely nothing, I do think that since you are home there are things you can do, like pick up around the house, but if you are too tired or just not in the mood to do it you shouldn't feel like you HAVE to, it is not your job. Just like your husband has been at work all day, so have you. My husband does absolutely nothing around the house, he does yard work though. If I don't feel like cleaning or cooking he doesn't pick up my slack, and I don't expect him to. We both just deal with it for a day or two and when I feel up to it I get around to getting things back in order. So basically what I'm saying is, yea since your home you could be doing those things but your child is your number one priority and if you don't feel up to doing chores or you just don't have time you shouldn't beat yourself up over it and your husband shouldn't either..

Ok. I've read all the reply's so far, and sorry, I'm not as nice.......You don't say how far a long you are in your pregnancy, but either way, I'd tell him to BACK OFF........Once you put the 3 year old to bed one night here real soon, and I would have a nice long talk with him. I would tell him most of the things in the answers below, you live here, you work all the time, you don't mind, but it's his home, his child and his next one on the way..........and it's also his RESPONSIBILITY to take care of you all. So, his butt can take out the trash, run the sweeper, or whatever else you deem he might need to do with you being pregnant.............and when the baby comes, you will have even less time.....AND you agreed to be his wife, not his SLAVE........maybe his Dad didn't help his Mom with house work, but this is the 20th century and it's time he got into it!!!! A partnership is just that..........two people working together.....and yes, you don't work right now, and there are some things more you can do, but in your condition, you need help too......Better yet, take a weekend off, give him the kid, and you go spend the night somewhere with a friend.....tell him to clean the house, run the 3 year old and do laundry.......leave Friday night, come home Sunday evening.........!! Sorry, I don't have any sympathy for men who think they just go to work, bring in some money and then can be jerks the rest of the time.........not the way it goes!

Also, I've always believed that a clean house is great, but spending time with your kids and your husband is better.....and if company comes over and they are there to judge you on your cleaning skills, then they are not a friend or family member I care to see again......you come to see me or my family, not my house........I don't keep a filthy house, but it's not spic and span every day either..........

Good Luck, I wish you well, but I have a feeling when the next baby comes, things are going to get any better unless you can get him set straight. Take care and congrats on the new one on the way........

I felt this way before my husband was the stay at home parent. Before, he worked 80 hours a week and I was at home all but one day each week. He did all the cooking when he was home and took out the garbage, and I did all the cleaning. It wasn't easy to keep up, but I had certain things I did every single day (dishes, laundry, garbage bagged), and tried to neaten each room as I was in it a little bit.

Now I'm working 55 hours a week and on the board at our co-op preschool (so I really work about 65 hours a week), and he's at home full time. I do not expect to do more than some laundry, tidying as I go, and maybe helping clean the girls' rooms. When I come home I want to play with my kids, not clean up! I still also do all clothes shopping, birthday parties, and school events as well.

I give him a full break from the kids when I am home, so he can clean, relax, whatever. And I get a break with my girlfriends whenever I want, usually once a week. I have recently told him there are a few areas I would appreciate being clean(er) on a regular basis, maybe your husband can pick out priority areas? That's what we have done. I have agreed to not be bitter as long as the dishes are done, no wet laundry sitting in washer, no dirty laundry or garbage on the floors, no overflowing garbage, toys picked up in the living room, and you can open the kids' doors and walk to their bed. I picked my priorities and that seems to have helped him manage a little better. I think it's harder for him actually than it was for me, because most men aren't natural multitaskers.

But I do agree you should get a little more of a break since you are pregnant and not feeling well some days!

Let's see here...

To answer your questions in order:

1. We agree that as a SAHM it is my job to cook, clean, take care of kids, shop, etc. However, when I was pregnant this past year, and he was "at home" for awhile, he saw how much different I was when pregnant...exhausted didn't cover it. I didn't recall feeling that way when previously pregnant, however my and my husbands expectations of what I could get done SIGNIFICANTLY changed based on how I was feeling.

2. Is it your job? That's a personal question. I think if someone is a SAHM, then we usually try to keep costs down, so I think many people do cook, clean... HOWEVER, that's not true in all households. Some people just don't cook. They may "prepare" dinner, as in open a package, heat and serve. Others still have a cleaning lady come.

I think you need to sit down and talk with your DH. Anytime there's a job loss, change in finances, stress levels or health issues I think we all need to re-evaluate our priorities.

From my perspective, I think that you should have some "reprieve" from all the household duties since you're feeling awful. This may continue until a couple of months AFTER the birth, just due to healing, lack of sleep, etc. So maybe you can ask your DH if he can cut you some slack, and get a cleaning crew 1-2 times a month and re-evaluate that later.

Also, I think "spotless" is a very high expectation. I think most of us moms do our best to keep papers, clothes, toys, etc. put away. Tidy is I think a more reasonable request. However, even in my house it's not unusual for laundry baskets to be in the family room for 2-3 days while I'm working through piles of laundry. It's contained. It's kind of out of the way. So DH doesn't say anything except, "Is this ready to take up?"

Have you tried creating a "schedule" for yourself? Now that your at home, perhaps you can get to things a little bit at a time? Again, this depends on if you are "cleaning" everything or if you get help, doing meal planning, grocery shopping, etc.

I think it's very reasonable for you to get some "additional" help from your husband right now. For us, when I was pregnant, my husband viewed my main job as to keep me (the baby) and our other children taken care of. If that meant laundry didn't get done because I was feeling sick/exhausted, then he'd pitch in. If he noticed dust bunnies, dirty toilets, etc. he'd ASK me if I needed "help", instead of attacking my lack of housekeeping.

Now that I have an infant, am healthy and sleeping better, and am "back in the game" I do it all.

So in answer to your questions, yes, I think it's a SAHMs job, however your pregnancy means that YOU need some help and R&R too. Your husband may need a gentle reminder that pregnancy is a medical condition, not unlike knee surgery. You need to be careful to eat well, exercise, rest and still take care of your other child. And those need to be priorities over cleaning floors and toilets.

Best wishes

It is NOT your job, but it is YOUR ROLE to play IF your husband is working. If your husband stayed home, it would be HIS role. You are not required to go to your husband's job or vice versa to do that job, so it's just a given that your part of the household "contract" is to be home and and do it. Taking care of the kids should be BOTH, because you both brought them into this world, but time-wise it should be your main ROLE since as mothers we do a better job (ha!) and hubby is probably restricted to yard work, car maintenance, etc.

On that note, just like any other full time job, you have sick days, vacation days etc that you use to take care of business. The unfortunate thing about the "home" job, is that you NEVER get a vacation, because you are living in it. So, yes, if you do not get to do laundry or pick up after the kids, do dishes because you are having a "sick day", your husband should be understanding and help out. He should fill in and not expect you to do so.

You should not feel guilty about it. If he is soooo upset about the house not being in ORDER, then HE should do it. You are pregnant, and should be allowed to have "time off" from your "job".

First a disclaimer - I'm not a SAHM. However, I work from home full-time and my school age kids don't go to an afterschool program so they're home with me from 3 pm on each day.
I consider it my responsibility to make sure the house is picked up; notice I said picked up, not spotless. If I was home full time I would consider it part of my responsibilities to clean; pick up after the kids, do laundry, vacuum, mop, etc etc etc. We have a bi-weekly cleaning service now, but if I was home we would not and yes, it would be my responsibility to take care of the house. That does not exempt my husband from his share of the household duties, but since he is out of the house all day it's only fair that more of the duties would fall on me.
He doesn't need to ask you what you do all day, that's totally disrespectful. I would suggest you sit down with him and make up a list of chores, including his 'hot buttons' so that you can make sure those things are taken care of before he gets home. For examply, DH hates for the counter to be cluttered, so I make sure it's cleared off every day before he gets home. It makes a world of difference in his attitude if he comes home to a clean counter, and it's a little thing for me to do. Good luck, and keep communicating with him!

Could your husband be more sensitive to you? Yes, especially because you are pregnant and not feeling well. But - in my view it is your job to take care of your home. I work full time, most weeks 50-60 hours including overnight travel, and yet I keep the house picked up, do laundry, get the meals made (when I travel, I prep ahead of time and then freeze the meals), get the kids organized, help with homework, etc. My husband does pick the kids up from school, and sometimes takes them to their after-school activities since his job schedule allows for that. I can only tell you that if I stayed at home, it would be ALL me, ALL the time. To be fair, though, if he stayed home, I'd see no reason to do the laundry, etc - if he stayed home, he'd have the time to do this stuff.

So, although it's your job to hold down the fort at home, your husband should still treat you with respect. I don't care how hard his job is, you are not his employee, you're his partner. You're in this together. The fact that he makes more money doesn't mean he can treat you as if you're less than his equal. I make way more than my husband, but I do not treat him as if his contribution doesn't matter (even when he does things a different way than I would like to see them done). I do think you need to make it clear to him that you will not be disrespected by him, ever, for any reason. The reason is that you're married and he promised to love and honor you! Period.

Hi. I have a 4 year old and for the first two years was a SAHM and now have worked FT for the past two.

When I worked form home I did not have a housekeeper and did it all myself since our finances were limited. And yes, child care, cooking, cleaning, etc was my job as a SAHM.

When I went back to work I assumed that things would change and my husband would pitch in - I was wrong. I did get a housekeeper who only comes once every two weeks. But, I still do everything that I used to do (all meals, all laundry, all gift buying, clothes buying, attending bday parties and all the things a woman did in the fifties) but I also work FT. So when my girlfriends who don't work do stuff like complain about being home with the kids or going to the park on a Tuesday morning or don't RSVP to a party - it get's me annoyed!! Cause I get to do all of the work they do plus work FT. I have to stay organized or my world falls apart. And even with the house cleaner - my house is a mess since my time is so limited.

So to answer you - yes, it is your job. Now, being pregnant of course gives you lots of good excuses not to be able to clean and to stay off of your feet. But I do think that since you are home, you should be getting stuff done when you are feeling up to it. If you have a lot of money, then it would be your job to coordinate a house cleaner, etc.

But let's face it, we women get screwed whether we work or stay at home. We still do more then our share and it's the rare occasion that we don't.

i get a cleaning lady twice a month. she does that while i do my hm what should i call it "major cleaning' like dressers, pantry etc.
i do not have a cleaning gene. i get tired just thinking i have to clean. my husband is a total clean freak. well no matter what i do won't be enough for him so i do what i have to to maintain a somewhat clean house.
my typical day:
wake up drink coffee
prepare lunch for kids.
drink coffee
get them up, give them breakfast
drink coffee
dress them
drive them to kindergarten
come home drink coffee
unload dishwasher. start a load of laundry.
straighten out.
drink coffee
breakfast for me (1 hr break with a book in hand)
start dinner
straighten out toys.
vacuum
talk on the phone
check email
go get kids
give them snack
do homework
go outside for 1-2 hrs
come back
another load of laundry
serve dinner for kids and me
read books with kids
get jammies going
healthy snack
8 pm my time

Im a little late responding..

I think if he goes to work and does his job, and then gets to "get off work", then why shouldnt you get to "get off work"? His work day obviously ends at some point each day, so yours should too. I do think that since he contributes by paying all the bills and everything monetary, then yes your job should be to do the house cleaning and "daily upkeep" as your way of contributing. But it should be both of your responsibility to watch the toddler, play with him, give him a bath, get him ready for bed..etc. That way you both have "jobs" but when your jobs are over..whats left is shared responsibility. If he's leaving messes behind, leaving his dishes behind for you to pick up, (general laziness and disrespect) then it is a problem. You did your job during the day as did he. But your not a personal maid. There should be some clear lines as to what each of you are responsible for, and also what should be shared. Your job is just as hard, only in different ways. Even if you weren't pregnant being a SAHM is very demanding. Maybe tell him all you'd like him to help with is taking care of your guys' child in the evenings before it's time for bed. (like say: I'll give him a bath, you brush his teeth and put him to bed, or vice versa, ya know?) And in return you'll make sure he has clean clothes to wear to work. things like that. You guys should be a team and help each other. Maybe tell him that if he sees you've been having a rough day, It would be really helpful and mean alot to you if he picked up the livingroom at the end of the day. If you notice that he seems particularly stressed one day offer to give him a back massage (or something out of the ordinary that he might appreciate).

My husband used to be very similar (grueling job, LONG hours, 6 full days a week). I found doing a "power" cleaning right before he got home worked well. Make your life easier by having the toys get flung into large bins. Use a crock pot to make meals. Start having him really look for a new job (this is the only thing that finally fixed the stress). We took a huge pay hit when he changed jobs, but we are 1000 times happier.

Is it right? Of course not - he would LOSE HIS MIND if he did what we do on a 24/7 basis. But they rarely understand this.

My husband's role is to make the money and spend time with his kids (we get time together in the evening). My job is CEO of the house and kids and psychiatrist to him :)

Best of luck!

Opinionated Opinion for sure!

Tough one. I'm guessing that your three year old keeps you pretty busy. No matter what, this isn't a contest to see who keeps busiest. In the beginning when I worked full time the house seemed to mostly to fall and me, but at my request my husband pitched in... I had to learn that however he did it to keep my mouth shut. Not everything had to be done to MY specs. And later, the kids too seemed to be mostly my responsibility. So when I quit work not much changed, but the house got dirtier because we were home all day and my work never seemed to end. I wrongly decided since I wasn't working I should handle EVERYTHING ELSE. Ever hear the old saying, "A man works from dawn to dusk, but a womans work is never done?" Well, many of us are still programed that way........so you have to fight to get past it.

My husband and I came to an understanding after dancing the dance for a few years. Bottom line, he does not see what I see in regard to keeping up the house. So for me to expect him to help I had to ask for specific things.......and 30 years later still pretty much do. If he said anything about the way I cleaned I politely told him he was welcome to do it his way. We were both tired at the end of the day no matter what went on during the day. We came to an understanding to support, not criticize, one another.

If that makes sense..........sit down with your husband. Does he enjoy his job? You sure hope he does and I hope would encourage him to make a change if he didn't. Now you.......do you enjoy cleaning house? I seriously doubt it. So explain that and tell him you will do your best to keep it up, but you cant do it alone and it probably won't be to his specs. Ask him to only share support, not criticism and pledge to return the favor. Ask him to stop keeping a list (you return the favor) and work on being a team.

This is a good question, and one I've contemplated myself as I look at my messy house ;)

I stay home with my 3 kids. This is how I look at the situation. My job is to take care of the kids. Usually this includes cleaning but with 3 kids (ages 5, 3, and 1) it is never clean in here unless I clean after they are in bed. My husband said to me the other day that "it's hard to keep the house clean when 3 people are following you around messing it up". I really appreciated him saying that, because I feel bad that it is such a disaster around here :)

It's a lot of work to be pregnant. 3 year olds require a lot of attention. Just feeding yourself and the toddler and cleaning up those messes can take a lot of time (IMO).

I'd sit your husband down and ask him straight out, what are his expectations of you now that you are at home. Find out what he's thinking. Then, go through the list and figure out which ones are realistic. We've established that I will do my best to get the laundry done daily, the bathrooms clean, and meals on the table. After that, it's kind of up in the air. The kids have a basement play space that is ALWAYS a disaster and we are both ok with that. Most of the toys are there, so I can manage to clean up the rest of our spaces every few days. I do all the shopping and generally get the vacuum out once a week. I drive the kids to all their "stuff" and do all Doctors appointments.

It's a hard transition to make, and the more you can talk it over and set some expectations, the easier it will be when baby comes. Remember how hard it is to have a newborn, and be prepared to need some help to get it all done!

Best to you,
J.

i kind of have mixed feelings about this. first, yes, he is paying all the bills, so i don't see why you shouldn't take responsibility for the three year old and the housekeeping and cleaning. and yes, he IS being a jerk about it- but if this was my situation, i would feel very strongly that this was my responsibility. on the other hand, he doesn't have any room to judge the way you do your "job". you are pregnant and there will be days you don't feel well. if you were pregnant and working an outside the home job, there would be days you'd have to call in sick because of morning sickness too.

the bottom line is it sounds like he is being an insensitive jerk. would he like to trade you places? i am positive he couldn't handle it. (especially the giving birth part!) sounds like he needs some sensitivity training. i don't think you'd be nearly as resentful of your "duties" if he was a little more understanding. for next time, stock up on some frozen pizzas or hot pockets, so he can make himself something. (since apparently he's incapable of making his own food.) isn't it great to be the woman and know all the secrets, like how to make hamburger helper? lol.

hang in there girl. i do think he's being a butthead. but it sounds like he does work his butt off, and hats off to him. it just sounds like your family is going through a rough period in general right now. good luck.

I only read the first reply here since there are so many and I don't agree at all with that one. I don't see why a man who works hard at his job can't expect to come home to a reasonably neat home. Eating a bowl of something in the living room is fine, playing with your child is fine and necessary, all the great wonderful parenting things are great but then clean it up with the child so he/she learns to be neat too. I see so many younger mothers these days doing that and just leaving it. When are you being the parent who teaches responsibility to your child so he/she learns to help out, pick up and respect the hard working father. Yes, I raised 8 kids so I know a mother works hard no matter who thinks she is not doing a 'job'. If you hired someone to do the job a mother does it would be very expensive just to get vacuuming and dusting and bathrooms done is not cheap plus all the other things like cooking and laundry, etc. I had morning sickness with all of mine and did let things pile up for a bit when so sick, but when over that life goes on. I would strongly suggest that you and your husband go to counseling and find out why neither of you respect the other and I seem to feel lack of love here between the lines. It's not a contest of who works more but doing it for your life together and for it to run smoothly and well. When you feel better I hope you will try to do housework, whether it's outdated or not, whether it's from my generation where women who did their housework were not liberated and men were 'chauvinistic pigs', and see if you and your husband don't love each other more because you are caring about each other and not who does what and you will be working together to make a home. I bet you'll find he'll help a lot more around the home then too. I could almost guarantee it.

Um, yah he is being a bit hard-core extreme in how he is treating you.. and his "expectations." There is no respect there.

Sure, a SAHM minds the home and the kids. But it is out of a sense of responsibility and caring... not a "job."
And, SAHM's do not get paid nor have sick leave, nor have vacation time, nor have ANY holidays... and we work at our "Job" 24/7, 7 days a week. We never get a day-off.

Does your Husband work 24/7, 7 days a week???? With NO time off????
He works a set number of hours per day, then gets to go home and do nothing. Do you?

I am a SAHM... my Hubby works AND goes to school. I do mostly everything... but not because he treats me like a slave and mindless maid or baby-sitter. He even helps whenever he can... because he feels that is his responsibility as a Dad and as a "man" and Husband.

Your Husband... has to adjust his attitude toward you.... he is now treating you as with no respect nor any fairness... or caring. It is real stuck-up and demeaning... in how he thinks you have to "be" now.
His "EXPECTATIONS" is really not fair. And he is being REAL rude... treating you like a dumb/lazy/do nothing person.
You are human, you are his Wife, you are doing your best... and you have rights. This is not the dark ages. You... have rights.... and he is negating that.
Will he even let you go out??? For just me time or to relax?? Or do you have to ask permission???? Does he control that too?
He is treating you worse than a Boss.... he is not your "employer".... you are his Wife... and there should be some decency in how he treats you and respect.
AND he doesn't even take care of YOU, being pregnant! Jerk... sorry.
He is enjoying putting you down and rubbing your nose in it... it is mean... to tell you, as you lay sick on the couch "well, what am I supposed to eat?" I am sure he has 2 hands and legs and can walk to the kitchen to get something to eat himself.
You are ALSO pregnant... has he even been to any pre-natal visits with you????

All the best,
Susan

No the house is not my job.

I am a SAHM. Stay at home MOM, not Stay at home MAID.

We have three kids, and expecting number four. I told my husband early on - I am not a house frau. I won't ever be happy to be home cleaning house, scrubbing toilets. I would rather be out working and making money. That said, I stay home because it is best for our kids, easier on our family, and makes financial sense. That does not relieve him of having to help with the household duties.

I am home, I take care of our two younger ones during the day. I pick up our 5 year old from school (my husband usually brings him in the mornings). I usually make dinner, but not by the time he gets home.

We share the housework. If I cook - he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. When I wash the laundry - he puts it away. We both work on keeping the house straight and we have a cleaning lady that comes twice a month to give the house a nice deep clean. When he got a raise recently he asked that we hire someone to do the yard twice a month also.. to give him more time for other things. I also handle all of the financial duties. I pay all bills, I keep our budget, I make most of the money spending choices. That is part of my contribution.

The roles each of you take on has to be acceptable to both of you. This is my second marriage. My first one ended for a lot of reasons, but one of them was - once we got married he suddenly expected me to be the happy housewife his Mom was.. give up my schooling, my career.. to play bingo and clean house. That wasn't me. You need to have a long talk with your husband about what your being home means to you. He should never be putting you down or acting like he contributes more then you do. I also don't think its fair of him to expect that his "job" ends at 5-6PM when he gets home -- but Mom is a 24/7 job.

There was a comic strip I saw once that addressed this. It showed a husband coming home after work to a house in shambles; he was stepping over all sorts of things as he walked in the door. The kids were filthy, the dog was going crazy and the wife was laying on the couch in her robe. When the husband asked, "What happened?!" The wife replied, "You know when you ask me what I do all day? Well, today I didn't do it." For me, that sums it up. I think of that often and wish I would've grabbed a copy and kept it - to keep me from beating myself up when I don't get a lot done, as well as to remind my husband.

I'm a SAHM of 2 (2.75 and 6months) and, as my sister puts it, "It's a different kind of busy when your kids are small." She pointed out that my little one still naps 3x per day and my older one naps once per day - which means that I spend a large part of my day (not to mention bedtime) just putting kids to sleep. Wow! Not to mention the time it takes to cook for my older one, sit with her and encourage her to eat, nurse my little one....

Although my husband does his BEST to remember and be considerate, he will never truly know what my life is like in this role. He comes home and plays with the kids while I cook dinner, bathes them on bath night and then watches TV or goes to work out or or or.... and I haven't simply sat and watched TV - without bills to pay, correspondence to deal with, laundry to fold, etc. - in 2.75 years, at least.

In the past, my husband and I have actually posted questions here and agreed to abide by the majority results and it has worked out well - kinda like the marriage ref I guess. Would that work for you? Can he talk to other husbands of SAHMs? And FYI, mine works 60 hours/week on a slow week. His job is very stressful and he needs to work harder than ever just to make sure he keeps it in this economy (he's a construction manager).

Good luck to you!

Wow. Everyone struggles with this issue but your husband sounds really mean. Maybe it's just the way you put it, but harping on having a perfect house and perfect meals every day when you have kids and are pregnant again -- that is borderline abusive in my book. I can't believe that this type of husband still exists in 21st century America.

He should stop obsessing about jobs, roles, and spotless homes (NOT realistic when you have children. Sorry, but that's just fantasy-land stuff) and concern himself with REAL issues -- such as, Am I Being A Good Husband and Father?, Are We Happy?, Are My Kids Doing Well?, How Is My Pregnant Wife Feeling Today??, etc...

Your husband needs a serious reality check. Friends, counseling, Oprah...I don't know. Someone has to get it through his head. Best of luck to you.

For me, my job as a SAHM, on the days when I am home with my son (I work part-time outside the home as well) is first to take care of him. I also cook dinner, try to get a load or two of laundry done and keep up with the dishes, but my husband, who works full-time as an attorney, helps out with vacuuming, taking out garbage, general tidying up, and does all the yard work, car and home maintenance.
For us, this has been working pretty well for the last few years. Is our house always clean? Nope. Is that a big deal to us? Nope. Our kiddo is happy and well-taken care of, and we don't fight about housework, so it works for us.
It sounds like you and your husband both are working very hard. I don't know what the answer for you is, but it may help to learn to let some of the housework go a bit. I'm not talking about living in a dirty home, but just looking at what is realistic for you to achieve each day as a pregnant woman with a toddler and being okay with that.

I am a SAHM too, and like others I'm a mom not a maid! I tell my husband all the time that if he wanted a maid for a wife he married the wrong woman. I told him the same type of stuff before we were married too though, no surprises.

Don't forget to add though, that you are not his mother! He is a grown man and can take care of himself. Remember you are a SAHM that only takes care of things you give birth to (or adopt). You did not adopt him, you certainly didn't give birth to him, he is all grown up and quite capable of taking care of himself. If he wants a mom tell him to go find one, you're not it.

I make my husband do his own laundry, his arms aren't broken and he did it for himself for years before we were married, he can do it now too. As it is, just with the kids and myself I do at least a load a day, of course I cloth diaper my little one, so I've added to it with that.

As for the housework, that's secondary. My job right now is taking care of the baby (3 1/2 months old) and my daughter who is 7 and in school during the day. I do the housework as the baby lets me and I have time to do it. It is not my priority, it is certainly not my job (if it's a job then he had better be paying me for it) and I did not volunteer. And as far as I'm concerned, if my hubby doesn't like it, he can go find somebody else. I have no use for that at all and he knows it.

My advice: take back the power and put your husband in his place. He did not hire you, he married you. He is not paying you to do the work therefore he has no right to grade your performance. If he doesn't like it he can do it himself. And if he still complains, tell him to sleep in the garage or on the lawn!

Good luck!

I don't think it is possible to keep a house spotless when you have kids. I got laid-off last July & am looking for work, but it doesn't seem like anyone wants to hire a 31 week pregnant woman... not that I 100% blame them.

I am doing the SAHM thing for 3 kids (6, 5 in June & 3 in June). I get up M-F morning & get my kindergardener off to school at 7:50 and pick her up at 2:30. My almost 5 yr old goes to pre-school Tues - Friday from 12:00 - 4:20, but he rides a bus - so he is picked-up & dropped off in front of the house. I do try to keep up the house, do the dishes daily, laundry when it needs done (but my 6 yr old puts her own clean folded clothes in her dresser), give baths to the kids (although they kinda do most of the work themself now & hubby does help w/ this), I also, cook/grill dinner 6 nights a week. Hubby does cook for us & does the dishes (most of the time) on Mondays - we don't eat out much at all. I also do homework with my daughter every night except Friday - yes, she has homework in kindergarden about 30-45 min worth a night.

I do feel it is some what a SAHM's job to take care of the house hold & family... which includes keeping the house livable & clean clothes available for everyone to wear. But I also think that our hubby's need to be understanding when it come to the job... the most important part of the job is the kids!!! Their needs ALWAYS come first - the house is not at the top of my list everyday. Honestly, if I spend an extra 15 min reading to my kids & can't do a load of laundry - oh well so be it! The laundry will be there tomorrow for me to do... my kid want & need is now.

I also, do try helping w/ the yard stuff - that is other then mowing... I plant a garden & have my kids help w/ it... I have flower beds all around my house & I tend to them - although this year is harder because of being prego & the neighbor lady's stupid cats thinking they are litter boxes :( "huff".

But I guess to answer your question - yes it is part of a SAHM job to maintain a some what clean house & to cook for the family most of the time. As well as take care of the kids. BUT it is also the responsiblity of a good hubby to be understanding & look at the whole picture before getting upset about a little dust, dirt or kids toys in a family's home. So, I think your hubby needs to relax a little - if you take care of it for the most part.

Good luck w/ being a SAHM & the new baby on the way... I hope you get to feeling well soon & get past the morning sickness stuff. Oh BTW - peppermint candies helped my upset tummy A LOT!!!

Hi Bzzzy,

I am sure that there have been quite a few days when my husband has walked through the door and wondered to himself, "what did she do all day?". He's just too smart to say it out loud. You do have a full time job, Bzzzymom, you just work for free.

It would be easy to bash your husband and men in general because I think if most women are honest most of the household chores fall to them. It would be easy to be insulted by the whole, "this is your job" mentality. I had a friend who's husband said, "Melanie, this isn't a vacation." in a very condescending tone. The thing is, none of those attitudes will do you much good. They won't make you happier, they won't make your husband understand, the won't bring peace in your house and will just fuel the fire that makes you bitter.

He's is partially right in that this is your job, now, but it is vastly different from working outside of the home and the "pay" and "pressure" are of a totally different sort than you or he are used to. The hardest part of being a SAHM is the thanklessness of it. There is no quarterly bonus or employee of the month. There is no sick leave, no vacation pay, no retirement fund. What the world would view as a "benefits package" is nonexsistant and if you let it that fact can make you worn out, worn down and angry. So you have to decide the "quality control" portion of your job. What things would you contribute to your child, home a marriage that would make YOU feel like you were employee of the month? Is it preschool time with your child each day where he starts to learn new things, a house that is "spotless", dinner ready when your husband gets home, an air of orderliness about your and your family's life. It's different for every mom but it is important to identify them or you become listless and easily overwhelmed. When you figure it out, focus on those things primarily and fit in whatever else you can.

What would probably help you and your husband the most is to sit down when you are both in a happy place and no one is frustrated and talk about all of it. What were his expectations when you started staying home, what were your expectations, how much of it is NOTHING like you thought it would be. Listen to him without judging (even though some of it will probably be June-Cleaver-Freakin'-Ridiculous, you can only laugh on the inside) and gently point out why maybe some of those things might not have been realistic. For instance, how much of his work would he get done if he had to take care of a 3 yr. old while he was doing it? Iron out a compromise based on the most important of both of your expectations being met, and what you can count on from him in the way of FAMILY and HOME contribution (after all it is also HIS family and home). Agree that on days when those aren't being met there will be mutual respect and a listening ear from both parties.

Like everything else in a marriage, it's all about communication and compromise.

Hope this helps,

L.

I know you already have plenty of responses, but I found it ironic that my husband and I just had this discussion two days ago. :) We finally reached an agreement:

Every day I will keep up with laundry and dishes. I will also care for our daughter (obviously). I will try to have dinner ready on nights when he has class (2 nights a week), but he understands if it has to be a pizza or sandwich night.

Then, we divided up the house into 7 parts (bathrooms, kitchen, family room, etc.) and assigned each part to a specific day (bathrooms on Monday). I will TRY to clean that one room top to bottom on its assigned day. If I don't have time, then when he comes home he either takes time with our daughter and I finish it, or we both do it together after she goes to bed. Worst case, if it doesn't get finished at all that day, it moves to the next day when I add it to the new room. Whatever isn't finished by the weekend becomes our project druing the kid's Sunday afternoon nap time.

I am also pregnant with #2, but I teach classes online and at on the ground, so I have to add grading and planning for class in the mix as well. I usually take my daughter's nap time to do "my" work, so that just leaves a small amount of time here and there to get the other stuff done. Fortunately, my daughter is fairly independent, so she'll spend time coloring or looking at books, etc, so I can run downstairs with laundry, do the dishes, etc. If she were more needy, I don't know how I'd do it all.

My husband also works A LOT (he's gone about 13 hours each day, plus Saturdays), and he has class 2 nights a week. I think part of his frustration is not seeing me and our daughter more, so if he has to think about cleaning or cooking, it just stresses him out more. I try to make it so he can just come home, play with our daughter for a while, and then relax. BUT, he now understands that there may be days that I need him to pitch in a little.

I hope you and your hubby can reach a mutual understanding!

Your husband makes me furious. Does he understand what its like to be pregnant, watch a 3 year old, and clean the house at the same time? Definitely not. I have stayed home for 6 months now, and my husband does have some of the same feelings as yours, he just doesn't dare say them out loud. Last year I was pregnant, worked part time, and cared for my daughter the rest of the time. My husband did absolutely no housework, cleaning, or cooking. Now that I don't work I feel like his expectations are higher too, like the house should be spotless and dinner ready on the table when he gets home. Its unrealistic. I do think the house and the kids are my job now, I just know how hard it is to get it all done every day. And I know my husband couldn't do it. He can't even iron his own clothes for work or make a sandwich, I call him my 3rd child. I'm jealous of husbands that are helpful with the house and kids and I feel like that's how it should be, I just dont' have that so I guess I don't know how to advise you. I'm interested to see what others say.

It seems so crazy to me that women are trying so hard living to please their husbands or do things everyday to make them happy just to avoid an argument, that's not what life and marriage is about. Yes it's important to make each other happy but it should a natural thing! I feel like some husbands just think the house should be spotless, laundry should always be done, and dinner should be on the table every night because they think we as SAHM's do absolutely nothing all day long and that is sooooo NOT the case!! I feel like I clean all day long sometimes and the house doesn't even look it because I have KIDS, its a constant mess!!! Your job as a SAHM should be #1 priority caring for your children, which is a HUGE responsibility itself, and yes keeping the house in order!!! I personally am a very clean and tidy person but if I am tired, as I'm sure you are being pregnant, I sure don't clean the house just to make my husband happy and to avoid an argument! If he doesn't understand than he doesn't have a clue what's its like to stay home all day with kids, pregnant or not! I think you need to make it clear to him your full time job is to care for the kids! If he wants more than that tell him to get a maid! If he wants to be demanding like that tell him to hire someone he can boss around! He is not your boss! Just because he is miserable at his job doesn't mean you should have to be miserable at home constantly worrying about what he's gonna say to you when he gets home from work about what you DIDN'T do!! That is just my opinion!

Your job as a stay at home mom is to make sure the kids and the house are BOTH taken care of! Now if you worked an outside job that would be diffrent, but come on! You might not like what I have to say, but frankly it should be said! Make a schedual! Plan out your entire day and stick with it! If you need a break see if you can get someone to watch your toddler for a couple hours or something! On days you are tired make something quick and easy to eat! I was a SAHM for almost 2 years and the house and kids were taken care of! Some nights no I did not have time for dinner, but I always tried bc I KNOW HOW HARD MY HUSBAND WORKS TO PROVIDE FOR OUR FAMILY! He is working 8-6:30! He is tired and I dont know what he does but I know mine does crazy work and is really tired! I work now but I also clean the house and cook dinner and take care of the kids! I did it when I was pregnant (my husband offered to help though bc I went into preterm labor many times)! My kids are also only 12 months and 20 days apart! Put yourself in his shoes! If you were the primary worker and when you came home the house wasnt cleaned and you had nothing to eat how would you feel? How would you feel if you worked his hours and he stayed home and he did nothing? I believe whether you are a SAHM or SAHD then the house should be cleaned and kids taken care of for the one who works all day! Its not fair! Someone who works all day when their spouse is home should not have to do the work that COULD be done during the day!
Now I am sorry if it sounded mean, but frankly I feel you should see it from his point of view! I hope your morning sickness gets better! Also maybe it will help both of you to try and switch roles for a day!

My DH is just like yours. I just do it because I know it will just cause a fight, and I know he is not going to help at all. I would just do what you can with a 3yr and being prego. He will understand, you just need to talk to him about it. It will get better.

I'm a stay at home mom. But I call myself a full time parent. Evey kid is different, but mine is a full-time job. Not in a bad way, but she's very smart and creative and wants to be interacting. I don't consider myself a homemaker....does anyone these days? My mom reminds me that she had no trouble keeping her house clean even with 3 kids (our house was pretty spotless) but I don't remember her reading to me or playing with me, and that's not what I want for my daughter. So we go to the zoo or we stay home and play make believe or whatever. I try to steal a little time to do dishes while letting her watch max and ruby or letting her play an educational computer game, or whatever, but some days even the dishes don't happen. In the evening, I have to just sit and watch some tv to recharge so I can do it another day. Our house is messy (but not unhealthy or gross...just cluttered) and my husband has learned to deal. And when he spends just a few hours with our daughter alone he says, "I don't know how you do this all day" because she's a very intense kid, so I know he gets it although he is quick to turn on the tv for her. There was couple like this on Dr. Phil or something a while back, and he thought her job was easy, so he had to do it for one day and he failed miserably, but the chances of getting your hubby to try that experiment are probably slim.

In my family, the roles are reversed. I work full time (as a teacher, so it's not like we're talking big bucks here), and my husband stays home with our 18 month old twins. He views the cooking and cleaning as part of his job. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but he feels that since I work his responsibility is taking care of the house. But, in my eyes, when I get home it's an equal partnership. We both feed the kids dinner, we both clean up afterward, and at night I put the kids to bed.

While I don't think it's completely unreasonable that your husband expects some housework to be done, he is expecting too much from you, especially while you're pregnant. He is also not treating you with respect. It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him to discuss what's reasonable and what's not. Men can't even begin to imagine what pregnancy feels like and does to our bodies. And he's expecting to have clean house and dinner waiting?

He needs to be working with you as a partner, not a boss!

Hi Buzzzy Mom. I see that you have tons of responses, but I didn't see any that suggested you do a bit of research some evening and put together a list of what all of your chores would cost to hire out.
1) Daily house cleaning service
2) Daily laundry pick-up, folding, ironing & delivery
3) Daily 3x a day personal chef (including food shopping and delivery)
4) Full-time nanny to 3-year-old

I'll bet if you combined the cost of those services, and other assorted items like making appointments and shuttling your toddler to activities and doctors, that your potential "salary" would look pretty impressive! Maybe using this type of logical approach would make you feel more confident in approaching him with how you feel? It might also make him more appreciative of all you do to keep the family and house running...that's if it's not possible for you to take a day or two away and let him give it a try. ;)

On a personal note, your comment has made me feel very lucky that my hubby helps out as much as he does. No one should be expected to work full-time with morning sickness and a toddler to run after!

Hang in there and feel better soon!

You've had lots of responses that I didn't read. You two need to feel that the other appreciates them. So I think you need to lay on the praise, adoration, and appreciation to your husband. It is human nature to be nice to your wife if you feel she thinks you are awesome. Don't whine and complain about your morning sickness, child, or big workload to your hubby. Do your complaining to other moms and women who understand. Men tune out when they hear complaining. They don't even listen to your words, they just filter it all into, "why is she complaining? I work really hard so that she can stay at home and all she does is complain."

My husband doesn't help with a thing at home either, but when I am appreciative and kind to him, he will help out here and there on his own at random times. I really appreciate that. I complain and find comfort from my friends for some things, and my husband for others. keep your chin up!

As a SAHM I feel it is my job but I do have some flexibility (i.e.- when I'm sick, my children are 11 1/2 months apart and I had such terrible ligament pain there were many days I couldn't walk in the evening). I have an excel spreadsheet schedule and I spread out all the chores evenly over 6 days taking Sundays off. This keeps me from getting overwhelmed and stressed. It amounts to 20-40 minutes of chores a day outside of cooking (I try to use the crock pot as much as possible.There are great gourmet crockpot cook books out there) and folding laundry which I do around the kids most times. It keeps a baseline of cleanliness all over the house and it works out that if you have to miss a day it's really not that big of a deal and the house still looks good. You may also want to consider to doing marathon cooking. I cook an extra 2 meals on Sunday in the crock pot. These serve as back ups for if/when I fall behind during the week, something happens with the kids (they are 18 and 7 months- both teething...it can be touch and go), or I just plain don't feel like it- dinner is always there.

I think what you really need to be concerned about is the resentment he has towards you. I understand his point and it is fair that you be able to do everything most of the time. But of course there are exceptions. What if your daughter is sick etc? He seems angry that you are home, that you are 'getting off easy'...I don't know if he feels taken for granted when things aren't done or what but that needs to be dealt with first and foremost. Even if nothing gets done I don't get talked to like that.

Good luck.

I think it's really obnoxious for your husband to behave this way. He obviously does not value having you home and really thinks you should be out earning money. That shows a lack of respect for what stay at home moms (and pregnant women) need from their men.

I stay home with three kids. Our house is never spotless. My job is to take care of our children and our home. I also care for our pets, pay the bills, buy the food, plan the meals, do the laundry, clean and cook. I plan the children's activities and take advantage of teaching moments.

However, nothing can ever go perfectly when children are involved, and the most important thing is that they are having a good experience. We do not value a clean home over ours and our children's well being. My husband also would never expect me to make dinner when I wasn't feeling well because of a pregnancy. I'm not sure what you can do about your situation, though, because it sounds like you married the wrong man. I'm sorry.

I saw you got many responses. My words of wisdom are if you chooses to see this as your job than take some time off. Take a weekend trip and leave your husband home with the three year old. With two kids I could clean my house at one end only for it to be messed up in another section. I think he needs a healthy dose of reality. Child rearing and household maintenance is a two player deal. Many husbands are in stressful jobs. Prior to changing jobs, a month ago, my husband was working from 8:30 and getting home at 8:00 or later.

The issue may also be in unrealistic expections of what can be accomplished in a day and standards of what clean and decent meals is.

My job is to take care of the kids during the day (a job that's shared with my husband the rest of the time).

Taking care of the house is secondary. Since I'm home, the bulk of that falls to me. However, that's a shared duty and if I can't get to it while I'm taking care of the kids, my husband helps out once he's home and on the weekends. My house is usually a mess because I have two little kids. :) It'll get better as they get older.

Weekday meals are usually my responsibility as well, since I'm home. But if I can't get around to it, again, my husband will help out. Weekend meals are a shared responsibility.

My husband is a dedicated hard worker. He is out doing the work and basically I spend the money. I am aware that he's always last when it comes to anything for him. I am just thankful I have a husband with a great job who gets up every day and goes. I try to show that I appreciate his commitment. Some of my friends husbands call in a few times a month to sit on their butts at home. He doesn't often ask what I did today. He knows I probably went to the park for a while and then came home and cleaned. I make a point to get all of the laundry done, and other house cleaning so that he doesn't feel like he steps in the door from work and has to start working again. I have 2.5 hours of free time while my youngest is asleep, and I clean all of the toys, and sometimes vacuum and get things very tidy before he gets home. And 4 out of 5 weekdays, I have cooked dinner and it's ready when he gets here. He rarely worries what I'm not doing in the house. He only complains that I have too much time on my hands and I spend too much.

I say take your 3 yr old to his job..drop him off and lets just see how much "WORK" he gets done..being a sahm is a full time responsibility and job..we just dont get a paycheck.

The housework should be done by BOTH adults. And if kids are old enough they should help out too.

I am a sahm and do most of the chores but I do not do all of them. I still have to ask for help most days but my partner (who works Mon to Fri) helps a little bit. He did the dishes yesterday while I went grocery shopping, of course I had to tell him to do it otherwise he wouldn't think for himself but it's alot better than what it used to be.

Just because I am a sahm doesn't mean I'm a maid. There are two adults in this house plus three kids (well, we have a baby so he can't help yet) and I am not the only one that lives here and messes the place up.

I am happy to keep the house clean during the day when I am home and he's at work but when we are both home in the evenings/nights and weekends he should pull his weight.

Oh, those transitions of becoming a SAHM. You truly aren't alone, and the good news is, you and your husband WILL learn to adjust. Truthfully, he's probably a little jealous that you're not having to work. It usually starts out that way. So when he comes home and you've "been home all day", his instinct is to assume that you sat around and just didn't have to do anything all day while he worked. I actually sat and wrote my husband a letter, because he, like yours, always had a comeback. A lot of men are defensive and in a face to face discussion, can't be empathetic because they feel like they need to defend their side and that's it. So, try a letter. Explain to him that you like a clean house too, but when you're pregnant and taking care of a little one, it's not possible to have a clean house all the time. My husband is affected by a messy house, so one thing I always made sure I did was when I knew he was on his way home, I'd go around and quickly pick up toys. Most of the time they'd be all back out all over the place once he was home for a little while, but his initial walking into the house wasn't a reaction of the house being messy, so he wasn't annoyed. Plus, your husband will able to see that toys can get messy and out of control very quickly. As far as other things, for now, just make sure counters are wiped off and toilets are clean. I've been a SAHM for almost 7 years now, and it took the first 2 before my husband and I meshed our lives. It's hard for them because they would rather not have to go to work, and it takes a while for them to get over that. I found the easiest way to deal with it was just to compromise by doing basic cleanup. I would do more detail cleaning when I had the time and energy, but always made sure the quick stuff was done, like dishes, picking up, and dusting. We as mothers can't honestly say that if we were the ones working full time, and our husbands were staying home, that if we came home to a messy house and no dinner made, we wouldn't be annoyed too. If there's a night now where I'm not cooking anything big, I always make it a point to call my husband and say "hey, if you want to pick up a sandwich or something on your way home from work, go ahead because I didn't cook anything tonight" We have nights like that because my kids are now 6 and 7 and there are nights that we come home from school, do homework, and head to an activity like gymnastics and judo.

To answer your question about what your responsibilities are as a SAHM, well, that depends on your own family. Does your husband work a lot of hours? Mine owns a company, and therefore works A LOT. My kids are now older too, so I do EVERYTHING around the house, even all the yardwork. When my kids were younger, I did everything inside the house, and my husband mowed the yard. Once my kids were both taking naps at the same time, I started mowing the yard. By then though, me and my husband had worked out the kinks of him working vs. me staying at home, and I honestly WANTED to do it so that he didn't have to take time out of his weekend to do it. Now, one of my friends that's a SAHM's husband does all the yard work, and usually cooks dinner too, but he's home by 5 everyday. So, it just depends on you, your husband, and the age of the kids. When mine were really young, like newborn and 15 month old, I still did all the cleaning and stuff, but more like how I explained before, I had the house looking like it was clean, just by keeping things dust free, dishes done, and toys picked up around the time my husband came home. That right there can be done in about a half hour, so is easy to fit into a busy full schedule. If you decide to write your husband a letter, explain to him that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like your dad just walked in the door when he asks what exactly got done that day. As far as the dinner goes, if you're not feeling good, let him know BEFORE he comes home there's no dinner because you're sick. Next time you go to the store, grab some things that are super easy to make for days when you feel overwhelmed and don't have the energy to make dinner. One thing I make sometimes that is super easy is taco salad. You just brown the meat, add the seasoning, and have chips, cheese, salsa, and sour cream sitting out. Takess about 15 minutes to make....so easy. Another is quesadillas. I buy some fresh veggies, cheese, and a can of cooked chicken, put the ingredients on half a tortilla, fold it over, and put 2 in a pan at a time sprayed with olive oil cooking spray, and basically just brown both sides. Takes about the same amount of time and is super yummy. Sometimes all I put in them is mozz cheese, cheddar cheese, fresh mushrooms that I buy already sliced, and tomatoes. If you can find things like that that are easy and yummy, your SAHM life will be sooooooo much easier. Also, maybe if you have time in the morning, make dinner then, and then just have a plate for him to heat up. Chili's good for that. Stay positive, things will get better, it's just a transition for the 2 of you, and adults take a little longer to adjust.

I don't know if it is a SAHM job or not. That does not seem to me to be the point. I would be more resentful at his response. He sounds more like he is trying to be your father instead of your husband!
I'm not a SAHM but if I were I would not need my husband to question me about what I did all day. Just like me working outside the home I don't need no one to tell me what my duties are the same things applies at home. I don't need anyone telling me what my roles, duties and responsiblities are at home as well.
Personally I feel that it's much harder to be a SAHM for many women. You don't get a lunch break or time-off. He can come home and relax after his job (unless he comes home and cooks dinner and takes care of the toddler which i doubt). You have enough stress already without him getting on your case like some sort of parent.

In my opinion, it is totally your job to keep up the house. You husband is out busting his hump making money for the family. The house and the kids are your "job". That is where you bust your hump. LOL! Just as long as hubby takes care of all the outside things like cutting grass. To me, that is a manly job.. though I do like to cut grass from time to time.

We stay at home moms need to take care of our men =) Cook him dinner, even if it is a sandwich thrown together. You DO stay home all day. Stay at home moms stay busy with cleaning and caregiving. But we really should be there for our husbands as well.

I understand your pain, but honestly, I think every man expects his wife to do the housework no matter what. Just do what you can. You can have a clean house without it being spotless. Maybe after you've been home for awhile, he'll realize that being a Mom is your main job, and he'll appreciate that. I think it's just something you kind of have to develop a thick skin about. Your children are the priority, then your house. You can try to explain that to him.

I do pretty much all of the household chores for our family but the only person setting expectations for what I should do is me. My husband would never comment if something wasn't done or dinner wasn't ready, etc. Would you ever criticize your husband's handling of his responsibilities at work? I'm sure you wouldn't and he shouldn't criticize you either.

When you and your husband are calm and can discuss this you should make a list of priorities. As a SAHM what are the most important things for you to be spending your time and energy doing? I'm hoping that you will both agree that your primary responsibility while at home will be your children. That is your full time job. I've found that keeping up on laundry, keeping the dishwasher going (load, unload, etc) and keeping food in the house and dinners planned is about all I can commit to on any given day. Beyond that I try to get around to cleaning each room of the house once a week (NEVER the whole house at one time) but some days it just doesn't happen. Talk to your husband and see what things are most important to him. It might not be that he wants or expects a spotless house, but maybe there is one thing that would help him feel a little more calm when he comes home. For my husband I always try to pick up at least the family room before he comes home just so he's not walking into chaos.

Good luck,
K.

Ask him when do you get your paycheck?

Like I told another girl in a similar situation - stop doing his stuff. Don't do his laundry, don't do his dishes.

I've been a SAHM and just got laid off from a job that I worked at for three years. The house right now is a mess - but I am painting and doing other things that I know couldn't get done while at work. My husband appreciates this, but he knows that I'm not gonna clean while painting and fixing up our house. In his dreams! I also just told him that he needs to help out a little more instead of going to bed at 830p... he agreed.

Not sure if this helps - but I would put my foot down if I were in your shoes. Like you said, you need to come to an agreement before the baby gets here. Let him know that you will try your best at keeping up with the house, but when the baby gets here that you expect a little more out of him too. If he wants to critique your work, you can critique his... it goes both ways.

Good luck and God bless the new little one :)

OUCH! First of all your husband needs to bite his tongue! This isnt the 50's and being a SAHM is NOT an 8-5 job. My husband and I have had some disagreements about this as well, although he would NEVER come home and ask me what I did all day!! I would tell him unlike his job, you LIVE in yours. You dont get 15 breaks, lunch hours, vacation or holidays. You can't leave early or go in late. And if he thinks thats what its like, then I'd tell him you're gonna start punching in and out too. Being a family and running a household is a 24/7 job, and requires the effort of BOTH parents. You are also pregnant!? He has NO idea whats thats like so I'd tell him to take his cave man attitude and shove it! Tell him to take your 3 year old to work one day and see how much of "HIS JOB" he gets done! Don't be pushed around. Try talking to him about this, but I wouldn't tolerate the attitude you've been getting!

I'm old school, I believe if you stay at home,you should take on the responsibility of taking care of the home. Take pride in it, not everyone can handle it. It's a full time job, and takes alot of skills to carry it off successfully.
As for your husband, he should learn to appreciate you. Maybe if he did, you would keep his house well maintained, and do it with a happy heart. Yes it's his job to support your household, but it's also his job to honor you.

I do my 1st floor (kitchen, dining room, living room), steps, hall and bathroom everyday. That is on top of the cooking and taking care of the kids. There are 3 bedrooms upstairs that i can never get to, let alone the basement. My husband can be like yours. I do waste my breath and list what i have done. What i am realizing is, it is not worth explaining. They don't understand what we have done. They choose to see what we have not. I have an autoimmune kidney disease, i am a lot slower than i used to be. I have to remind my husband of this at least weekly.

I am sorry that i don't have good advise. I can just tell you that i am right there with you. In the occasional arguement i am told that it is my job also. Just know that our husbands think they could do it better... they could NOT. Let them think that.

Start saying wasn't that dinner good? Wow, doesn't the bathroom sparkle? Ohh, those clothes smell nice and clean....lol! Let's start praising ourselves for what we have accomlished ;) We are not super woman!

This may not help, but I'm in my first trimester, so that will be my defense, I would have punch your husband in the face, even if he just said it to you while I was around. Your "job" right now is growing a child inside of you and taking care of the one already outside of you. His job is to go to work and do whatever it is he does, the house, is your (in the dual sense of the word) to care for. If your sick, he helps out, if you can't cook for nausea, he can cook himself and feed the younger child. I think that is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Also, my husband is out of work right now, so his job is to take care of our 4 yr old when he's not in school, make the phone calls I don't have time to and help around the house because I really can't do much after work and vomitting. If the house isn't spotless, then it isn't. Today my son had a rough day, the dishes haven't even been finished and since I got sick and he helped me clean it up, we'll probably just go to bed and finish those dishes tomorrow. Sorry I probably wasn't helpful. Good luck

You need to go out of town for a girl's weekend and leave your husband alone to deal your child, the house ect. Let's see what the house looks like when you come home. This man is a bully and do not let him get to you. He needs to be put in his place. If his dinner isn't ready then he needs to cook it or go order something. You are not his slave-you are an equal partner. Working at home and raising children is much harder than working in an office setting. Tell him to chill out and respect you. If not --get him into counseling.

I haven't had time to read all the responses but this is a yes and no answer. You should not be sitting around all day watching Oprah or whatever stay at home mom's do now. (I was a stay at home mom for 18 years) Still you do what you can do during the day and if you have time to clean then peace settles across the land. If when your husband comes home there is still work to be done then he should lend a hand. I think men at times loose sight that otherwise would be asking you to work 42/7/365.

My ex-husband (yes a lot of reasons he is my ex) would not even pick up after himself. That is complete bull! It is one thing for me to clean up after the kids cause to me that is part of being a mom but not a grown man!