Since I can remember, my husband and I have been rocking our son to sleep. He is now 1 year old and we're trying to fade it out but we're not having much success. We have been trying to use the Ferber method of crying it out with the 5 minute intervals to check in on him while he is crying but we have very little endurance for the horrible cries that our little guy bellows out. I know he is not hungry, or needs a clean diaper and I know that he needs to learn to sleep on his own but it is extremely difficult for both my husband and I to listen to his awful crying without just going in and comforting him and rocking him right to sleep. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks to everyone for your feedback, help and great advice. A couple of you wondered why we are trying to phase out the rocking and the reason is not just because sleeping on your own is a skill we feel he needs to learn but the main reason is because he will be going to an in-home day care in January (when I return to work part time) and will need to learn to nap on his own. We can't expect a chidcare provider who is responsible for at least 5 children to sit exclusively with our son and rock him every day. It sounds strange but I would much rather have him be upset and crying in the comfort of his own crib than in a strange place with an unfamiliar face trying to comfort him, so we are trying to teach him to sleep more on his own right now rather than waiting until January. We are still working on his nap and bedtime routine (i.e. times and length of naps, lately he hasn't been falling asleep for an afternoon nap) but my son still has the bonding time and the closeness he needs with us because we read him several stories in his rocking chair, and then rock and sing several songs before placing him in his crib. We are still rocking him before every nap and bedtime but just not all the way to sleep in our arms. My son is also nursing 3-4 times a day and I don't wish to end that anytime soon. I am going to go by his cues to end the nursing. We haven't been very successful at bedtime because my husband and I usually cave in after about 20 minutes of crying and checking in on him but naptime has been pretty good with less than 5 min. of crying and he is usually asleep within 3 or 4 minutes after being in his crib. Thanks again to all of you for your help, kind words and support and I'm open to any more suggestions! Thanks again and happy parenting!
Hi, my daughter is 18 months, I always go with what feels right... every child is different. Books, etc. are good guides but in the end is up to you. I didn't have a lot of trouble having her go to bed on her own, I kinda let her cry it out but only light cries. Now I afraid for when she starts daycare because she only sleeps in her crib, lights out and quiet. Anyway, I'd just enjoy the bonding time! Good luck!
~ K.
If you truly want the behavior to stop, you have to stick with a plan. I let my daughter cry at 7 months and it didn't take long at all. She's 14 months now and we just put her in her crib and she either plays or falls asleep on her own. I had a hard time with it so I would put her to bed and go sit on the back porch. My husband would come and get me when the crying stopped. He handled the crying a bit better than I did. She only cried 10-15 minutes for a couple of nights and never looked back.
Why do you want to stop rocking him to sleep? I would suggest continuing this practice until he wants to stop. Even if he's seven years old! This is a special time together, to bond, connect, and let him know how much you love him. Once this phase is over, you'll never get it back! Time goes by so fast when our kids are little. Also, if you're going back to work, it will be important for him to have some special cuddle time each day to look forward to. Before you know it you'll have a teenager on your hands who will have very little time for mom/dad.
Enjoy every minute together now! I promise you won't regret it later!
P.S. I rocked both of my girls to sleep until they were each about 3 1/2. They are both teenagers now--gowing up so fast!
It is hard but I think in the long run it is worth it. Our 2 1/2 year old has always been a great sleeper. Recently she started crying at night time. We would go in to find out what was wrong. She would want a drink of water, one more drink of water, rock her, stay in the room, etc. etc. Sometimes this would go on for several hours. This has been going on for over a month. A few nights ago, we decided we'd had it. We told her we'll come in your room one time and that's it. The first night she cried for 20 minutes and then went to sleep. The second night she went to sleep no problem and last night she cried for 15 minutes. Although the time crying is horrible in retrospect it is better than her missing out on 2 hours of sleep because we kept going in there. We'll see how night 4 goes. Good luck. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" was a book I referred to a lot.
The problem with this world -no offense- is that we think we need to follow this handbook of life or we are going to screw up our kids...what a joke...all people are different and we all turn out differently so how is one set of rules going to work for everyone?!ask your own reason and your own heart if its really that big of a deal if your 1 year old son gets rocked to sleep...is he going to fall behind in the learning curve if he doesnt learn how to sleep on his own right no...hmmm...unlikely!now if u would still like for your son to sleep on his own then do what ur doing...hes gonna cry...really he is...no matter what trick some1 gives u!my advice...wait till hes ready!my 12 yr old never liked rocked to sleep,my 8 yr old stopped being rocked(on her own)about a month b4 she turned 2, my 4 yr old started putting herself to sleep around a week old and lastly my 2 yr old still likes for me to put him to bed about 5 days out of the week...hope i helped!
He's fine let him cry it out the more you go in the harder it will be. He's old enough. At this point he's just playing you guys. It's harder on the both of you. Trust me!
I know how hard it is to break a habit we start for our children. I have been there. When I would try to break the sleeping habit I did it a little at a time. Some kids can do the cry it out method, some don't do well and never stop. My children never stopped they would get worse so I had to go a different direction. I would start by just holding him and not rocking him. Maybe sit in a stationary chair. Then when he gets accustomed to that, lay him on his bed and lie next to him until he falls asleep. Then when he gets used to that I would say you have a certain amount of time with mom, then you have to fall asleep on your own. Don't be too h*** o* him, as he is only doing what he is used to. We as mom's teach them these habits. Don't be too h*** o* yourself, as all first time mom's start these habits! But young children are trainable, you just have to show them the way. If he trains quickly, move through it quickly. Try not to feel guilty as he will probably play off of that (they notice, believe me they do!). Good Luck.
I think this is the hardest part about parenting babies. Some friends of mine recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution. Does your son have a lovey? That might help. I found giving my toddler a sippy cup of water at night after a soothing night routine worked well.
Good luck.
Hi M.,
I'm a mother of 2 (ages 5 and 3) and thought I'd throw you a permission lifeline. You already know what you need to do. You are only asking for a second opinion because you are hoping someone will tell you what you want to hear. But Ferber is right. We did the Ferber method with my son when he was 10 months old and still not sleeping through the night. It broke my heart as well and I sat outside his door and cried right along with him. But I sucked it up and stuck it out.
After a week he was sleeping through the night, and so were I and my husband and the whole household was happier because of it.
YOU CAN DO IT! Go in another room and turn on a movie loudly or go in the backyard and share a glass of wine with your hubby so you don't hear the screaming. You know your son is not hurt, hungry, or in need of anything. He's just not used to change. But he will learn and he'll be OK because of it.
My son is now almost 6 and he has never once said, "Mom, you really hurt my feelings by not coming in my room those nights when I cried." :) I'm just saying, he made it out alive, and yours will too. It's all a part of letting him grow up (and you letting go a little bit).
Also, once he's in the practice of going to bed on his own, no one says you can't rock him a little bit while you read him a book and then put him to bed. I still rock my 3yo while I read to her, then put her in her bed and leave the room.
Hi M.,
You are a saint for rocking him to sleep all this time. I have to say, crying it out is the only way. The older he gets, the longer he is going to crying. It is really a disservice to him. Believe me, I know how hard it must be to hear him cry, but it doesn't hurt him. When I had to do it with my girls, I did 15 minutes intervals. You and your husband may want to sit outside during that 15 minutes so you don't have to hear him cry. Just stick with it. The pay off is completely worth it.
On the other hand, if you and your husband don't mind rocking him to sleep every night then so-be-it. It doesn't really matter what anyone else had to say. He is your baby and you should do what feels right for you and your husband.
Good Luck. L. K Winter Haven - working mom and wife, mother of a 12 year old and 3 year old.
Cry it out is harmful to a baby's brain. They've done studies, and babies who were left to cry by themselves for long periods are far more likely to have ADD, poor school performance, aggression, poor social skills, and more.
Here's a summary of the research:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
I think it's too risky to do cry it out. I don't want to permanently harm my little one just for my own convenience!
Is there a reason you can't rock him any more? Rocking is a great way to bond with a child. I always rocked my girls when ever they wanted. Believe me he will out grow it on his own and later on you will wish you would have rocked him when he would let you. I say keep on rocking.......Some of my best memories as a child are when my Dad would rock me in the evenings when watching tv. I think it's great when any parent rocks their child. Childern are never to old to be rocked. Enjoy the moment and thank God for this moment.
Take a look at the book titled "the Baby Whiserer". It's a little more of a gentle approach of being there, but insted of holding and rocking them, you stay and pat their back and slowly phase out your presence while they work it out themselves. It worked well for us, but of course, a differernt approach works for differecnt people. Good luck!
I rocked my babies as long as they would let me. I have a 5 year old son and a 27 month old daughter. I miss rocking them both terribly bad. If I were you, I would continue to rock him for as long as you can. You can bet that they won't want you to rock them when they are in high school :). Really, it does kind of end on it's own. Unless there is some reason to stop rocking him other than you feel he is old enough, then I wouldn't stop. One is not old!! When he is 5 you will look back at a one year old and realize exact how small they are. He is still a baby, enjoy him as long as you can!! :)
I know from experience how heart wrenching those cries are. My oldest daughter (now 2 1/2) was really high maintenance from day one. When she was about 9 months old we started trying to get her to sleep on her own. The crying was horrible. There were times that I had to leave the house to keep from giving in (my husband is a lot stronger than I am), and there were many nights I sat there and cried too. The one thing that did help her was music. I put a little musical toy on the side of her crib that was easy for her to turn on. When I put her to bed I turned it on, and after a while she would turn it back on on her own after it stopped playing. It took a week or two of hell listening to her cry, but eventually the music box won out and she quit crying. Good luck, and let us know what ends up working for you.
Your gut reaction to hearing your baby cry is telling you that it isn't natural to hear your baby cry and not go to them and comfort them. Your body, as a mother and parent, is designed to feel that way so that you will respond quickly to your baby. This is natural and is telling you not to let him cry, but to be there close for him :-)
Why does your 1 year old need to learn to sleep on their own right now? Is this something a well-intentioned friend or another old-fashioned parent or Dr. has led you to believe? I always find it odd that we don't expect our babies to be potty trained or speak clearly by such a young age, but in America there is this crazy expectation that little ones are supposed to have or develop a higher learning sense of independence already. Babies should learn to rely on other people especially their parents when they need them. This creates a strong sense of security, love and trust that will carry far into life.
You mention that you know he isn't hungry or in need of a diaper change, but what about a 1 yr olds need for comfort, closeness, security? Many children need this day AND NIGHT for much longer than 1 year. This is as important, if not MORE important than needing food or a fresh diaper. With children going through soooo many changes, developments, teething, growth spurts, growing pains, emotional changes, etc you can never possibly know all the times that they really need you. To not respond just because they are full and dry would mean they are also not getting their emotional and mental needs answered also.... The Ferber method is highly controversial, and I don't recommend it, especially for a parent that has done so much good already for her baby by rocking and being close for so long. You have done so well! I would recommend a Dr. Sears book..either Nightime Parenting or Attachment Parenting for you and I think it will suit you and your husbands desires for reaching a little change in the gentle-est of ways. It will be less stressful and happier for you both as well as your oor little guy :-)
Be there for him, day and night, not only for his physical needs, but those of mental and emotional as well. If you could ask him, he would say he wants to be rocked and held, and wants you close. He doesn't want (or need!) to cry himself to sleep...how sad, and I don't think you want that either :-)
Keep him close while he's young, it goes so fast...best wishes!
I do not know if this is the response that you want, but my girls are 11 & 13 now and I rocked them both till almost 2, they would not sit still and let me rock, that is why I stopped. I started sitting with them and reading at that point. Good Luck and remember they are only little for so long treasure every minute.
I had the same problem with my daughter, and to be honest she was the one who stopped on her own. She finally got tired of it around 13 mos and started to put her head on my shoulder and hug me. The first time she did it, it melted my heart. Now I get her room ready, dim the lights and let her lay her head on my shoulder and pat her back for a few minutes. I then place her in her crib, rub her back and wait a minute before leaving her. She gets herself right to sleep. If she fusses then I just wait and shes back to sleep. If i try to cradle her now, she is not happy with it. She really wants to be in the crib. I had to learn to follow her cues and realize that she COULD fall asleep on her own. Once he gets use to the routine of laying in his crib, a litlle back rub and you saying goodnight he should be alright. I actually miss rocking mine to sleep. Don't rush it if hes not ready..I struggled with it as well and I am soooo glad I let her decide when to stop!!!! Good luck.
I know it is a hard thing to give up, I just had to break my 16 month old baby girl. It was harder this time since I know that she is the baby, the last baby we will ever have. It takes alot of time, patience, and hard work. The best way that I found was for a week I would sit down and rock her for a little then I would go and lay her down in the crib, yes she would cry and that would break my heart but I knew I had to be tough. The second week I would just start winding her down, then I would go and put her in her crib, she would cry, but I found that if I sat on the floor and put my hand in the crib where she could see and hold it she would lay down and go to sleep, the third week- I would lay her down stand there for a little bit till she got settled then I would walk out, if she would start to cry I would say sissy go night night, might have to say it a few times then she would lay down and go to sleep.... We still have some few bad nights but we manage. They do need to learn to put themselves to sleep, plus they sleep better through the night. Hope this info helps you with your new journey... Good Luck
