As a Single Parent, How Do You Find Time for Yourself?

I have been a single parent for 4 years as well, my son will be 4 next week. Finding time for me has been a lot easier because of his age, he is not very involved in activities as of yet, and family is very supportive. He does see his father often as of last year, but before that he would spend every other weekend with a family member. His grandmother would have his every other weekend, sometimes my mom or aunt would take him. If you have any family members that wouldn't mind keeping them for a couple days, it will allow you to go out and socalize, and have a little quite time at home. I hope this works.

I am a single mother of 2 girls, 7 & 10. Think carpool. I get with other moms (none of which are single though) and I pick up their child and take them with mine to scouts, dance, soccer, etc. and they bring mine home. This allows me quality time alone with my other child or sometimes just sanity (no arguing!). Thankfully both of my girls enjoy independent time, playing, reading, etc. so I can manage to get a bit of time alone. I also am strict on the bed time which is no later than 8:30. This gives me a few hours (most of the time) to surf the net, read or watch TV while enjoying a glass of wine. As for weekends, set up play dates to have them go to a friends house for the afternoon (return the favor another weekend) and take yourself shopping or to the salon for a manicure or something special. It was hard to first ask people I hardly knew but found out it was giving them a little extra help they didn't have the nerve to ask for either - especially 2 parent homes! Good luck!

God, I know what you mean. I was a single mom for five years, and I mean truly single like what you're describing. The only parent. It's ESSENTIAL that you find a babysitter - neighbor, friend, family, someone! - so that you can get out with friends from work, or whoever. Don't worry about dating. It'll come when it comes. But do whatever you can to get out of the house and have some chill time.

Trust me - sometimes I felt like I was going to go insane. Early on I lived with my parents and so could go out pretty regularly, but once I moved out I was no longer able to come and go so freely. I was extremely poor so couldn't afford a real sitter, so only got out very infrequently, and it was not enough. I know how you can get stuck in these patterns, but if there's any way you can figure out how to make this work, you'll be so glad you did.

Good luck. :) Jenny

First ... God bless you -- What a wonderful mother who involves her children in church and social activities!
Yes, you do need some time for yourself. Does your church offer a singles group and activities? If so, make the time and go! If not, look at the other churches in your area for singles/divorced/widowed events. You should not have to be a memeber to join in these events. Then find out if there are any college-aged students that attend your church or a private college near you; explain your situation and find out if any of them need to earn (christian)service hours to help you out while you attend church / social functions.
Also, spend time in worship music and prayer during the few minutes you have in your car or while taking a bath ... make every moment count! Pray about this - God will find ways to show you quick, quiet moments to rest your soul!
Best of everything.

Find a sitter to be with your kids so you can just leave the house and do something for yourself. If you cannot financially afford to pay a sitter, swap with friends, i.e., you have their kids over one night and then they have your kids over another night. Even if you just stay at home while your child is somewhere else - its time to yourself. My 15 year old does babysit children so if you're interested in that route - contact me.

Previous responses are very good, but I would add, that both while married and as a single mom later, I restricted the number of activities my children were involved in outside the home. So, soccer OR baseball, not both. Let each child decide which it will be, with some input from you. This allows you downtime, but also allows the kids downtime--and time with you. I have seen kids so involved in outside activities that they are never home except to sleep, meals as a family are rare, and so there's very little time to be a family-at-home. Not healthy for you, them, or your relationship. Simplify! Then, implement the suggestions the others have given.

I am a single mom too for 4 years. And I totally get you. My children's father is Schizophrenic so he has only supervised visitation which after seeking sole custody had to beg the judge to give him as my case was airtight. My oldest left home last year but I still have a 12 year old boy and a 9 year old girl at home. I am 39. Dating is a hassle, free time to be myself is a hassle with work, school stuff and my kids aren't even in sports. The one thing I do have is once a month my kids go stay a night or two with my mother, unfortunately I don't get much notice to the free night and alot of times end up staying home alone...that's no fun either. Planning and a good sitter if you can afford one is the best route. If you have good friends at church, see if you can trade off with the kids. I just joined a new church and moved 30 miles from my mother, so I am still making friends. Hopefully I will be able to use my own advice soon.

I was a single mom for 4 years. My son was three at the time. I was very fortunate to have my mom and sisters take him for "vacation" time. This was extremely helpful.
When I met my husband who had two daughters the same age as my son, it became clear to us that we needed to find time for ourselves. I know it's a bit different that being single, but in a steprelationship, you don't have that honeymoon phase.

One of my co workers volunteered as first to stay with the kids so that we couldhave some time as a couple.

My suggestion to you would be if you could ask a mom either from your church or from one of the kids sports events, that might be helpful. You could volunteer to exchange the favor.

With summer time coming, it might be possible for the kids to spend some time with relatives. It's a great opportunity for everyone to reconnect and get to know each other.

Also, I've known of women in a neighborhood who would exchange time between themselves because frankly, I think all moms need a break once in a while, whether they are married or not.

I hope that was helpful. Good luck

C. C.
Life Coach

I was a single mother for several years before I married my husband. I worked full time for a brokerage firm, was studying for my broker's license and their father was not around. I had no family I could call on to take the kids even for a few hours. I was in a new area, so I had no friends to lean on either. The best tip I can give you is to find out which high school the kids in your neighborhood go to and call the guidance counselor there. The guidance counselor can usually point out a nice, responsible teen that lives close by and would be willing to babysit. Your kids are old enough for a teen sitter to be able to handle and most of the time they won't tell you they charge a certain amount per hour. Usually they just ask for a fair wage and leave it to you to decide how much you'll pay them. This is the most inexpensive route (not having anyone else to call on), especially if you give the new sitter a head's up that if it goes well you'll call again and give them another opportunity to make a little cash. I was only able to manage this about once every other month, but it was sooo worth it! I've moved since then and even though I'm not very chatty with my neighbors, I found out their daughter is a college freshman and when I asked her if she had any friends in the neighborhood that babysit, she gave me several names. If you find a teen that can't babysit, ask if they have friends that do. Teens tend to have groups of friends that all make money by babysitting and are quick to recommend a friend if they're not available. With your kids' ages, teens are the way to go.

For years I was (what we call in Washington) a "Married Single Mom" -- meaning that my husband travelled for work far more often than he was home. While my child was a baby and a toddler, all of my friends were busy with careers and none of them had children yet. So, while I can't completely relate, I certainly sympathize with the exhaustion and the lonliness and the yearning to socialize with actual grown-ups...

Here's what kept me halfway sane, for what it's worth:

1) I know that sitters can be expensive, but even if you only hire one for a couple of hours once a month, it's something to look forward to, and I recommend doing this once a week if you can afford it. (babysitting co-ops are a nice option too -- in which you trade "chips" and swap babysitting favors with other families, thus allowing everyone to get out once in a while without spending a fortune. Some churches have these. If not, maybe you could start one?).

2) Join or start a book club, or something that interests you -- and invite friends to meet at your house (after the kids are in bed, or at least fed and jammied, so that you won't have to deal with them, except maybe to tuck them in). Entertaining doesn't have to be stressful or expensive. Your friends will likely be happy with cheese and crackers, cheap wine and good conversation. If you have friends with children, organize a rotating pot luck every other week or once a month. The kids can play outside if the weather permits, or in another room. You can even invite the other children to bring their pajamas, and let them all relax with a movie while the grown-ups socialize.

3)Try to plan a vacation without your children once a year. Seriously, this might be the ultimate sanity-saver. If your parents are inclined to babysit, it's a great opportunity for them to spend quality time with the grandkids. If they can't do this, you might consider a "trade" with close friends. You take their children for a long weekend, for instance, and they do the same for you.

I agree with the poster who suggests that you shouldn't worry much about dating per se. Just get out there and have fun. Socializing with friends is a great way to meet new people (friends of friends) and potential dates.

I hope this helps a little bit...Best luck!

Good Morning D.;

I have two children ages 13 and 9 and I have been a single parent for the whole time but one thing I did was recruit family and friends. My friends that had children would come and get mine so I could have some time for me, I also receuited some of their team mates parents, or class mate parents rather single or married and we would take turns keeping children so everyone had some quiet time for themselves. On a side note we as woman are not suppose to be looking the bible says A MAN THAT FINDITH A WIFE FINDITH A GOOD THING, but trust me I know it is hard not to look cause I catch myself looking sometimes.

Depending on how long practices are leve them there and go get a cup of coffee by yorself.

Hope this helps GOD BLESS
Kim

I, too am a single mother. I have three children and their father is not a constant in their lives although he is around. Recently, my mother has began taking one of my younger children every other weekend. This helps so much! If the grandparents are around, your children are old enough that they shouldn't be too much trouble for them to stay once or twice a month. It makes the kids feel special while giving you time for you. If the g-parents aren't in your area, what about a friend or other relative. Most women realize how hard it is to be a single mother and are willing to jump in and help out w/out any questions asked!

If you have a sitter for them use them and go have dinner w/ friends. If you dont have a sitter than perhaps you can find a soccer buddy that will watch your kids one night in exchange for you watching theirs another night. Get a hobby, take a class, see a movie, go for coffee and a good book at a book store...
My first response was you dont get time for yourself. I was thinking I dont even get time for myself, but then I remember that hubby watches the kids and I get to grocery shop by myself and I also get to go to my dr. appts. alone...sometimes. Thats my alone time, lol. Keep in mind that in a couple of years your boys will be old enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours.
Good Luck, its not easy being a single parent.

I am a mother of two, 1 1/2 and 5. My husband(military) travels most of the time. He is gone from a week or months at a time. Though I may not completely understand, I feel like I never have ME time. Before we had children, I was always babysittting for other moms just for a day, from time to time, so they could do whatever. I didn't completely understand at the time but boy I do now. At our former duty station, I was part of a "watch mine watch yours" thing. It was just a group of us that watched one anothers children, at no cost, a couple times a month for date night or appointments. We all took turns and it all worked out. Many of these women I still close friends of mine. This type of support system has helped us out in so many ways. It helped my marriage because we made time for us, it helped form great friendships, and most of all it helped my kids have a more relaxed mom because I had a little down time. If you would like to meet up please email me at ____@____.com and maybe I could help you enjoy a little you time.
T. Welford

Hi D.,
I am not a single mom but my husband travels internationally a lot of the time, so I am a single mom for several weeks at a time, several times a year. One thing that has really helped me is to work an "alternative schedule" at work. I work 9 hour days instead of 8 and then take every other Friday off. THat Friday is "my" Friday. I go to the gym, get my nails done, even go to a movie. I do this while the kids are in school and then pick them up after school. It really saves my sanity! I would suggest talking to your boss to see if this would work out for you. The benefit for the boss is that you work better if you are happier and more relaxed. Good luck! --A.

Hi D.,

Get an appointment book that has 3 columns like a Dr.'s office or beauty salon.

Put each of your names in the top of the column and see where you can fit your time for you.

Get a baby sitter and off you go.

Good luck, hope this helps. D.