Anyone an Only Child or Have an Only Child (By Life Happenstance or by Choice?)

Updated on February 09, 2012
L.C. asks from Wheaton, IL
34 answers

I am a single woman on an adoption waiting list for a baby girl. I'm 47 and after much heartbreak of not meeting Mr. Right five years ago I decided to become a parent on my own. I tried to have biological kids a few years ago, but it was too late. I tried donor egg, that didn't work. Now I'm adopting and after a long wait I am very close to having my child. I've always envisioned if I was married I'd have three kids. But as a single woman, I planned to adopt two. Now I've met someone who has two grown kids and wasn't planning on having anymore. We love each other very much and he knows that this is a dealbreaker for me. I was on the adoption list when he met me and I was up front with him that I wanted two. We are talking about getting married and he's decided he's willing to raise one child with me. I am trying to think this through and look at all sides.

This feels like another loss to me - having gone through grieving not meeting Mr. Right in time to have a couple of biological children together, grieving that I couldn't have biological children on my own, then grieving multiple miscarriages with donor eggs, now, the 28 month wait to adopt a baby - giving up having two children feels like another loss to me.

I grew up with three siblings and always wanted my children to have siblings. I never wanted an only child. I'm worried my child will be lonely. My sister is my best friend, although I have two brothers I'm not close with, so I know that siblings don't always get along as adults. I want her to have that best friend that she shared her childhood growing up experience with. Also, when I'm gone, I want her to have someone to be there for her if she doesn't get married. I want her to have someone to help with responsibilities if she has to take care of me in my old age. I want the sounds of family chaos in my house. I don't think that there is any replacement for siblings - even a best friend is just not the same. My mom always said she wishes she had a sister.

I'm worried I'll regret not having two - that it will come between me and him. That I'll always be resentful - he has a sibling, his kids have siblings, I have siblings, why should my child not have siblings? I'm also worried that an only child will be much more needy and dependent on us as parents for entertainment because she won't have a built in sibling playmate - that this will create even more work for my husband to be, when he didn't originally want to parent in the first place (don't get me wrong - I know that by committing to having one, he's going to be a faithful and good dad - I'm just worried).

Anyone out there can share their experience either as an only child or as someone who originally planned to have two or more, but ended up with one - either by happenstance or by life choice? What are the pros and cons? How did you feel if you originally wanted more than one - but ended up with one? Do you regret it?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks for such wonderful responses! I appreciate your honesty and sharing. The bf and I need to do some more talking and I need to do some more thinking, but this has been SO helpful!

Featured Answers



answers from Seattle on

I asked an only child q a couple years ago and got an AMAZING list of responses. Over 40. A few are "you'll nuts, you'll regret it", but the rest are parents of onlys and only children themselves... so here's another 40 some odd answers about great things about having an only child:

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I was not an only, but I don't have a close relationship with my sister and never have. I'm there for her if she needs me, but even if we lived near each other, we wouldn't hang out cause we have nothing in common. I used to wish I was an only child, actually, or a twin LOL.

My son is an only and I expect he will stay that way because I'm almost 44 and don't want to push it too much longer. We're not using birth control and nothing's happened since he was born 5 years ago.

It would be nice if he could have a sibling, but he'll be fine. Blood doesn't guarantee relationship, really. I was lonely with a sibling cause we didn't get along.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

Yes, I do now regret it.

Until she was about 7, I never questioned it.
Then it would have been nice for a playmate. Also, with medical issues, I think about when I am gone. Though both my husband and I had psycho siblings, I would like for her to have someone. We both had mothers who helped reinforce and enable all bad behavior. We didn't want the drama.

More Answers



answers from Dallas on

Only children are not "lonely." Do you really think only children grow up without any friends. My closest family, are actually people who are friends. I have sisters, and I'm not close with them at all. There is a year age difference between each of us, so it's not the age gap. We have simply never been close. They live less then 30 minutes away from me, and I can go a year or more without seeing/talking to them. When my parents pass, I can tell you I won't be crying on their shoulder. I will be crying on the shoulder of my friend of over a decade. One who is much more a sister then my others could ever be. You are adopting, so you KNOW DNA is not a requirement for family. Love is found in PEOPLE, not blood. I can tell you a best friend IS the same for me. In every way, actually better. It IS for a lot of people.

I have an only, by choice. I don't think for a second he will be lonely in his life. He loves, and people love him. MOST of the people that love him dearly, are of no blood relation at all. Those relationships will be there forever. I know many only children, and it was the opposite. They were MORE independent and creative thinking. They relied on others LESS for entertainment.

If you're worried about a child creating "work" for your fiance, then you need to rethink this arrangement. Children are WORK. HARD WORK. They create more work, then you could ever imagine. If he has a problem with working, sacrificing, losing himself in parenting at times, not being a priority at times, being exhausted by the needs of a child, giving everything to that child in some moments, working in a thankless manner...what kind of father will he really be? I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you can't shield him from "extra work." He has to be WILLING to take on LOTS of extra work, because of his love and desire to mold a healthy child.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I have an only (by choice) and he's certainly not lacking or lonely!

I think the bigger issue for you to ponder is your relationship.

If your BF is dead set against more kids and is "willing" to raise O. child with you (how generous) I would be leery of the entire relationship. Not that he's not entitled to his preferences, but the fact that he's so willing to shut down YOUR desires.

But who knows, maybe when you get the O., you'll feel that O. is more than enough? You never know.

Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We have an only child by choice and have absolutely NO regrets. Our family was complete with one. I never had a desire for more children, neither did hubby... we were always on the same page.

Of course you have normal worries but your worries are compounded by all the hype that is told over and over about only chilldren and only child syndrome and liken only children to some sort of disease. I do not believe in the only child syndrome.

Are there some very needy, spoiled brat only children? Of course... but there are plenty of those who have siblings as well. It is called parenting and how you parent your children as to how they behave and how needy they are.

We have raised our daughter to be very independent and responsible. She thrives on this and always has. She is 17 now and when she was born the Dr. said... "you have a strong willed baby". Never in a million years would I have squashed that trait because it is a very positive trait... sometimes difficult to navigate through, of course but we are SO very pround of the young woman our daughter has become. She has set her golas high for college and career and lives her life as her dad and I do.... Failure is NOT an option and Never Give Up.

She has never asked for siblings. We have been able to provide very well for her... college fully funded, we are funded so we will never be a burden to her, travel, she is set up financially and we have a very stable, secure family bond.

She is very involved with us, we have good relationships with her and our communication is wide open. She works with us with our family owned business so that she has hands on experience with business basics because she intends for one of her majors to be in business.

We've never had a shortage of friends in our house. My house has always been full of friends, playdates, etc. She has the entire upstairs to herself and loves to have her friends over. Many kids come here and have told me they come here to get away from bickering, siblings, etc and just have peace and my cooking for a while.

No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. You have to go with what is best for you and your family. As for us, we would not change a thing. We've enjoyed every moment with our only child and we are in preparation to proudly send her off to the college of her dreams so she can fulfill her goals.

Best wishes to you...

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I wanted a houseful of children when I got married at 25. I finally got 1 boy @ 37 yrs old and I am grateful every day I get to spend with him. I do not mourn or grieve what I don't have (more children). That is time and emotions taken away from what I do have (my husband, son, friends, family, a good life).

Pros? It sure is cheaper to have just one child. Cons? I really can't think of one. Companionship was never a problem. We liked playing with our son and having him never stopped us from doing anything we wanted to do. Once he started preschool @ 3, we always got together with other friends so socialization was always encouraged.

If you plan on being a mother, stop comparing yourself to the life of others and how things should be. You are going to burn out before your child is a year old. Life with a child is unpredictable at best. Good parents have bad kids, bad parents have good kids, smoking parents have non smoking kids, religious parents have athiest kids.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I think that your heart is torn because you love him, but you really do want 2 kids. If it's truly the dealbreaker you say it is, then don't marry someone who won't allow you have your dream. You've waited 47 years to be a mom and before you met him, you were willing to go it alone. Don't compromise on it, IMO.

My DD is not an "only" in the sense that she has half-sibs, but she is that she is MY only and they are so much older. Even though we build her family ties as often as we can (5 cousins within a couple of years of her) it's not the same and sometimes I mourn that. You can raise a happy only child. But will you be a happy mother if you didn't try for #2?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I would be more concerned about the relationship . . . it sounds like this man is reluctant about more kids, having been there and done that. And that's OK. I applaud his honesty with you. It just doesn't sound like the ideal situation though.

I agree with another mom that you have no idea - yet - how it will be with one child, much less two. It's great to have a vision, but sometimes God's plan is different than our own notion of what is best.

I would give all of this much thought and prayer. True happiness comes from within . . . for us moms, adults with no kids, only kids, and kids with numerous siblings. JMO.

There is also more than one way to care for and "parent" children, without necessarily being a parent. I would give that some thought too.


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I agree weigh your options and talk it over with your boyfriend. My daughter is an only child and she is 5, yes she'd love a sibling, but her idea of a sibling is a playmate, when even if I decide to have another child they will not be able to play together because they will be so far apart. By the time you can adopt another their age gap may be so large that the playmate reasoning is null. I think you have to decide if YOU want another child for YOU and not for your child. If you do want another child and want to adopt an older child so they will have a playmate and sibling I guess you could go that route. Honestly thats tough. The love of a child is priceless, but so is being in love and having a life long partner. If you concieved naturally with him and then found out you couldn't again and he didn't want to adopt would you leave him then? I'd think your answer should be the same.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

No one gets any guarantees about anythiing.

You weren't guaranteed the right relationship, at the right time, to have the right child at the right age. So you are being proactive and adopting a child who needs you --which is great and very giving of you. But please don't mourn what you don't have and never were guaranteed, which is a second child.

Bear in mind: Adoptions do have problems, and you don't have the first child yet; I hate to say it but the fact you're high up on the adoption list doesn't guarantee you'll have a child tomorrow, or even soon; parents can change their minds about giving up kids for adoption at all. Will you then grieve that first child on top of grieving over a second child who isn't even on anyone's horizon? Focus on one child at a time.

You haven't tried parenthood with just one yet. Though right now you are convinced two is your magic number, you may find that one is right for you. Children are demanding, at all ages. You are the same age as me (my daughter is nearly 11); do think about this: If you adopt a baby right now, you will be 57 when your child is 10 years old; 65--retirement age--when your child is 18 and just starting college; and so on. Let's be very clear here: I am NOT saying you're too old to adopt; no one is too old to give their love and lifelong devotion to a child. But I am saying that especially with another adult in the picture, you should consider some tough things that no one likes to think about, like finances and your own later years. What were your plans for your own retirement; your finances for your child's education and other expenses; your energy level and ability to spend time with your child in those first 18 years, and so on? One child may be perfect for that, but two could tip you into the territory of having to work much longer than intended, or do without retiring, etc. It sounds selfish to discuss it, right? But doesn't talking about it now beat getting a few years down the road to find your new husband, and maybe yourself, thinking, two was one too many?

I would discuss all this with the gentleman in question, frankly and openly. If you feel you cannot discuss with him these seemingly "unfeeling" but very important things, like finances and your ages relative to a new child, you should think again about whether he's perfect for you; these are the brutal but realistic questions that parents have to face, and if you can't discuss them with him -- is he OK with being a 65-year-old dad of a new college kid? Does he buy in 100 percent that this is his child, 100 percent, as much as yours? and so on -- well, if you can't talk about that, it's no basis for a relationship.

By the way, only kids are not necessarily spoiled. They are not necessarily lonely. They are what their parents make of them, and if the parents spoil them or keep them on a short leash they'll have the problems you'd expect. I love having one child. It has enabled me to be MUCH more involved in her school by volunteering, something I see parents with two or more kids often can't do because they have a younger one to deal with so can't be at the older one's school. Having one child means having the time to help with scouting or other activities as you are needed. I know that parents of more than one do manage it but it is quite frankly easier with one. And kids do not "need" siblings for companionship or playmates or lifelong friends; I know plenty of adults whose siblings have nothing in common with them and who even dislike their siblings. Again-- there is no guarantee that providing a sibling for your child will provide a lifetime of warm memories and closeness with that sibling.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I know you really want to have two, but you don't even have 1 yet! You don't know how raising a child is going to be for you...maybe the child will be high needs or turn out to have special needs. I am not saying to change your dreams for a man but you have someone very special in your life. He Has done the whole kid thing and is open to the idea of doing it again. I don't blame him. I would have to be head over heals in love with you to do that.

On to your question...we have 1 child. He is almost 4. Before having children we were both open to 2, not sold on it though. Our son is perfect. He is happy and well adjusted. We can go anywhere and do whatever we want at a drop of a hat. He is well behaved and an excellent listener. I have lots of "me" time and I thank God for the life we have every day. I can stay at home with him and we have a close wonderful relationship. He has never asked for a sibling...who knows...maybe he will! He had a speech delay when he was two and his therapists kept hinting that there might be something else (which there wasn't) and I was very depressed for many months. If I were to have another child and that child were to have real issues I know I could not handle it. Could you?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I have 1, and I think that we are going to just stay with one. I have a wonderful, loving husband, so I'm blessed that way.

Reading this really helped me (and sometimes I need to reread it). It talks about the persistent but erroneous myths about only children:,9171,###-###-...

I had envisioned have at least 3 (I come from a family with 5 kids, and my parents are also from large families). But we started late due to serious economic insecurity, and after my son was born, I had PTSD from a seriously dangerous & traumatic c-section; it took me 2+ years to get over that. And now, though it makes me sad, I think it's best for our family if we don't have any more. I'm not the mom I want to be now (though I'm trying) and I figure that if I add another child (whom I will love but will also stress me), I will not improve but likely get worse.

Good luck on your journey. There are lots of ways to give back to kids who need love... Foster parenting, mentoring, volunteering, developing a deep connection with your own nieces/nephews, etc.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i think it's great that you know what you want and are upfront about it being a dealbreaker. if you want two kids you do, and there's no right or wrong about it. especially if you sense that compromising on this will end up making you resentful. nothing more poisonous than that.
not so sure about your reasonings for wanting two. onlies are not doomed to loneliness and isolation. i know so very many only children who are happy, confident, social and have terrific support networks. and i'm sure you'll hear lots of horror stories about big families.
both have pros and cons, and the smart parent works to minimize the cons and maximize the pros. parents of lots of kids have to stretch time in ingenious ways to figure out how to get ANY one-on-one time with them, and even if they succeed it's generally not *enough.* the kids don't have as many resources for passions like horseback riding or skiing. and if they don't get along it can be miserable.
i always wanted a sister too. begged for one. all i got was 5 brothers. not what i had planned for myself at ALL.
but you know what? it was still an awesome childhood. ANYONE can create regrets over what their childhood didn't have, because no one's childhood has *everything.*
if you want two kids, do it! but don't kid yourself that you're doing it to make things better for the kids. you're doing it because you want two kids. nothing wrong with that. but one, two or fifteen, kids will have a great childhood if they have loving, involved parenting.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I think a single child in a loving two parent home can be just as wonderful as a child with a sibling in a one parent home. Weigh your options. I know many only children who are wonderful, caring and largely independent. You have to take what life offers you. Your child is going to be needy for you as entertainment and love regardless if she had siblings or not, it is a lot of hard work. I would say that in many cases, the more children you have, the more work you have cut out for you... Also, that is what family outings and playdates are for, to help the child socialize and make friends. Since you both have siblings, I'm sure there are nieces/nephews/grandchildren around that your future baby will play with. I have two siblings, I'm only fairly close to one, the other one (who is also adopted) I am not very close to at all. A sibling isn't a guaranteed lifetime friend, but they are still wonderful at the same time.

Also, would you really regret one child, simply because you couldn't have another? Many people are faced with that on a daily basis, but wouldn't trade the one child for anything else in the world. At the same time, you will be nearing 70 when your child is just turning 20. So, you need to have a good support system built up for your child when your health starts failing, sibling or not. It would be really difficult to raise 2 children alone when your health and energy decreases.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I am an only child and I think the best gift that you can give your children is a sibling. Having my first child nearly killed me but I was determined to give him a sibling and handle the consequences as it came. It wasn't easy but it was well worth it and I would do it again in a heart beat.

After reading your story, I believe that if I were in your shoes, I would continue the course that you were on before you met Mr. Awesome. You were on an adoption waiting list and you expected to eventually adopt two children. I think you need to do this. Let's face it. You are much older than most people starting families. No one is guaranteed tomorrow but I think it's smart, for you and your child, to have a sibling for your other child. If you were in your 20's, I would say that it's not as necessary but in this situation, I think no or two is warranted. I don't mean to be harsh and there are probably better ways of saying this but I haven't had my coffee yet and I mean no offense. :)

As an only child, I am very caring and independent (in fact, probably too much). I had the benefit of (essentially) being the only grandchild too but I was not spoiled. I did, however, spend many days wishing I had a sibling and now that my parents are aging, I wish even more that I had someone who shared my childhood with me, who would be there for me as I raise my children and who could help me care for my aging parents when the time comes. As it stands, I had a rough childhood (thank god for my grandparents), I live far away from family and I will be left alone to care for my aging parents. In my mind, it's a rough thing to do to a child. Furthermore, I never learned the social dynamics of multiple kids. I preferred smaller groups, I still don't share well and I'm not very tolerant of a lot of noise/ chaos (I'm learning though).

Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck with your decisions.

Ps. I think that resentment is very powerful and can break a relationship quickly. Please don't discount this as your concern.

Addition: I think only children can be lonely. In fact, I think that most of us can be lonely. Sure, some siblings don't get along and it's great if you can find a best friend to lean on but they are not always going to be there for you, no matter how close you are. They are not always going to be there for your children, no matter how close you are now. We are not guaranteed anything in life but family doesn't ever go too far away. You will always have that bond of being related. I always say to my children, "I gave you each's up to you now. You can either ensure that you have a lifelong friend or not."

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

My son is an only child. Our reasons for having him be a singleton are primarily financial, but I don't think my son has missed out or been deprived in any way. No, he doesn't have constant companionship, day in and day out, but because of that, he's developed the ability to entertain himself in wonderful ways. He taught himself to read at 4-and-a-half, and now, at 5-and-a-half, he reads at a 3rd-grade level. He is also wonderfully imaginative, acting out all these interesting scenarios. Because I've been able to give him more undivided attention, we've done really wonderful activities together -- I've taught him the scientific method (sort of a preschool version, but with hypotheses, variables, and controls), and he has actually designed his own science experiments.

To address my concerns about him learning to share, socialize, etc., I've set up weekly play sessions with my nephew. This has made me closer to my brother than we've ever been. I've also really reached out to parents with children the same age, and this has resulted in a wonderful friendship network for me as well as for my son.

In short, a whole lot of benefits, and no regrets at all. Only children rock ;)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Ya know, kids are A LOT more work then most of us imagine they are. You may find the first one takes up all the time and energy you have to give.
There is no guarantee that if you have two they will play together. They may hate each other and fight a bunch and you will spend all your time breaking up fights. I have one friend who has two daughters who both live for mom's undivided attention. Whenever one of them is busy the other one makes a beeline for her and refuses to leave her alone! She hardly ever gets a chance to collect her thoughts. There's always play dates and school for your child to socialize.
Since you are close to adoption, would you consider waiting until you've had some time as a mom before making a final decision about tying the knot?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

For 16 yrs my daughter was the only child and by choice I was single mother with no intentions of ever having any more kids. My daughter and I are very close and Im sure she's happy growing up being the only child, she had all my attention and didn't have to share anything with anyone.Then I met my husband about 11 yrs ago and he knew clearly that I didn't want any more kids, he was totally fine with that until one I had a little accident and became preggo, Lost the baby and was I very devastated, I immediately became pregnant again and we now have a 3yr old boy. Now I see my little one growing up by himself, he has no one to play with and when we go to our relatives house the other kids are grown up. There are a lot of things I see now that I didn't see while I was raising my daughter alone. I would def consider having another baby if not adopting 2 more.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

First, I want to say that I totally understand how you feel about not wanting only one. I wanted 5 and my husband wanted 10! That's a story for another time.:) Our first daughter came pretty much right out of the gate. We were married in april and she came in march. I had a horrible csection infection after her birth. A miscarraige came a few months later and then no more pregnancies. We were crushed! Long story short, we wanted more so bad we went to a fertility doctor. Once again long story short, we had another daughter. They are three years apart. I wanted to tell you this to make you understand how much I get not wanting only one.

The bigger problem here is your dream guy. I can't imagin how your head must be spinning. You never say why it is that he would be ok with one and not two? Is it finances? Is it because he is older and he doesn't want to have two little ones? He knew from the beginning that you wanted to adopt two. Did he think that you would change your mind? I often think if we didn't go through IVF to have our second what would it be like to just have our oldest? Of course I can't imagin our lives without our youngest at this point, but I think our oldest would have a different personality in some ways if she was an only. You have to ask yourself "If I wake up on 10 years and "Joe" has died or we are no longer together, will I be somewhat resentful/ or extremely regretful, about not having two?" it sounds to me like you would. You need to talk to him and tell him how you truly feel. If he really is the right person he will want you to be happy in every way. If two would put a financial burden on both of you, that would be a different story. But, if you were going to do this on your own, I don't think that's it. Maybe adopting two children of the same age? If his answer (to not wanting two) is in any way selfish, there are more selfish actions waiting to come out and he is probably not the one. You truly want two. You would be able to achieve having two, without his help. I think you need to follow your heart. Everything will work out in the end. Good luck and God bless you, you have a tough road ahead no matter what your final decision.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I'm 44 and an only child. I have 2 kids, a boy and girl, and a step dtr. I wanted to have 4-6 kids but married the first time at age 30, had my kids by 35 and due to finances, hard pregnancies, decided to not have any more. HUGE regret!!! Even tho I have 3, I still would have liked to have one or two with my new hubby, but I'm 7 years older than him. My big issue with only kids is that unless they have cousins they are close to they won't have anyone when they get older and their parents are gone. I only have my mom left, no other immediate family. I do have a cousin who is 9 years younger than me, and one who is 18. They live in CA but we are in touch and my kids see them a couple times per year. So its great to be an only child when you are young, but not so much when you are older. I think you may regret it if you only have the one child. I don't know, you are in a tough spot. I would think if your husband to be is open to having one, he should consider a second. I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

My husband is an only child, our son is an only child and I have 1 sister 22 months younger than me and I always wished I was an only child.
My sister and I never got along.
The bickering, the hair pulls, the fighting went on forever till we moved away from home and we still can't stand each other 48 years later.
Our son is very happy he never had to share my lap, time or attention with a sibling.
When he has an activity (with one we can afford for him to take any class he wants), we don't have to pick/choose/compromise which one we will attend.
We have just one to put through college, although if he keeps up with the straight A's scholarships might pay most of the way.
We can afford a trip to the beach when we want to.
There's a lot to be said for having just one to focus on to raising to be the best they can be.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Our Kiddo is an only, and will probably stay that way. My husband, I think, would like to have had more, but I developed HELLP late in my pregnancy and had an emergency C-section, complete with blood transfusions and a week-long stay in the hospital. There's no way we're going to chance that again - so... here we are.

Sometimes, I do feel bad that Kiddo doesn't have an in-house playmate, but I'm trying to teach him that entertaining yourself (with your mind) is a great thing to do. And some days we invite ALL the neighborhood kids over to make a mess - he loves that, until we have to clean up. :) Otherwise, we keep teaching that "family" doesn't necessarily mean "related by blood"; sometimes it's by choice, and we have some great "chosen" family that we spend lots of time with.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

I am an only child. It depends on the paents as to whether are dependent or independent. Yes, I was spoiled in ways but not that I got everything I ever asked for. My mom knew in her heart that she would not be there for me when I grew up and made me very independent. There were times I wished for a sibling but it was not to happen due to her health. I am lucky to be here due to her health issues and finally conceiving about 10 years after trying.

You have heard that there are professions that prefer only child to multiple siblings for the work that they can do independently.

Only children use their imagination more and can play by themselves. They are around adults more and are more mature and enjoy being by themselves.

Sometimes they wish for a sibling but when they see the constant turmoil between siblings they are happy they don't have to share. As others have said there is no guarantee that they will like/love each other when young or old.

You do need to teach sharing, empathy and compassion but all children need that. They may be the refuge for other kids when they get older. A place away from home that they feel safe.

If you feel that two children is what you want then two children is what you want. However, take it one child at a time and know that many women say they want x number of children and decide on one or two at the max.

I am sorry you did not meet Mr. Right earlier in your life and for all of your miscarriages.

Please take care of yourself mentally and physically so that you will be a good momma to the child(ren) you do have.

The other S.

PS I had cousins my age that I buddied with and were like siblings and we kept each other on the straight and narrow. We keep in touch now as adults and live in all parts of the country.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I had an only child for 13 yrs. I worried she would be missing out on all the fun I had growing up with my 4 brothers. I also worried she would be a spolied "only child" with the world revoloving around her. Well....I was absolutely right about both. She did grow up being the center of everyones world - the princess darling angel of mom, dad, gramma, etc. She was absolutely ruined! lol I had another baby when she was 13 and it really tripped her out to have to share resources, time, love with another person. She has since come to love the kids and is super proud. But seriously, it caused a rift in our relationship for a couple years. She also grew up in a world of adults and adult conversation. This made her sort of isolated as person. She's super independant and reserved. She doesn't really confide in anyone or let people in. She can have intelligent conversations about politics, religion, history, but isn't comfortable sharing space with anyone. I'm starting to think she would break before she ever bent. That's going to be difficult in her romantic life. There are pitfalls for an only child that doesn't have a brother or sister to tease them and to lean on.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think that there is no way that you can really know just how many children you want until you actually become a parent. I can not tell you how many friends I know who "knew" they wanted multiple children but have changed their minds after their first baby was born. I have an only child and would not change our little family for the world!

You will never know what life will bring your way so why not celebrate what you have now? It sounds like you are very fortunate to be in a situation to have met a great life partner and the potential of adopting a child together.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Life doesn't always work out the way we plan it. My husband had some major health problems when we married at 26 years old. We waited 7 years to get pregnant. I didn't have a great pregnancy. I had a c-section and an epidural that ruined my already bad back. My back doctor told me that another pregnancy would mean another c-section. I wasn't anxious to go through all that again and risk further damage to my back. My husband might have liked another, but he knew the toll the pregnancy had already taken on me.

I always thought my daughter would have a sibling (of course, that was before I had her). Am I a little sad that she doesn't? Yes, sometimes - but she's happy and well-adjusted and she doesn't think the world revolves around her (most days, anyway). My husband had a vasectomy a number of years ago and we're fine with that. I no longer have to worry about another pregnancy.

You've found someone to share your life with. If you don't mind my saying so - you're going to be a slightly older first time Mom. One might be the right fit for your life. You'll never know until you try. One was absolutely enough for me! Best of luck on all the good things coming into your life.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

I have one sister five years younger than me an we were never close, never kept each other company and are estranged now. I wished I didn't have a sister. You know just because you have a sibling doesn't mean they will even like each other.

I adopted my sister's child in an emergency situation when I was 27 and married, she is now 18. I had absolutely no preconceived notions of having 1, 2 or ten children in my life. The adoption stress created many problems with my ex-husband and I and we separated when she was four. We are extremely close and absolutely parent together still but she was all we wanted and I have spent my life avoiding having a child.

I never felt the need to "give" her a sibling...a new car when she was 15 but never a sibling! She is smart, giving, kind, responsible and doesn't feel entitled or spoiled although she has led a very charmed life (me too!). She has loved being an only child and has never been lonely! We all have wonderful communication and don't have any regret at all, it was the best decision ever!

One of my great friends had twins through IVF when she was 46 and her children are ten now. She is 57 and has kids in elementary school, her husband is in his early 60' is tough for them...really, really tough. For me this would have to be a factor.

Best of luck with everything.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I wanted to say I think you are very brave to go for mothering on your terms. I think you need to follow your intuition. What kind of live is it when a man wants to take your dreams from you? Not the right kind I think. I was once with a selfish guy who wanted to tell me what was best for my life. Not to be negative but I did learn men come and go. Our kids are in our hearts forever. Many blessings on your adoption.



answers from Chicago on

I am an only and my DD is going to be an only. It's ok to be an only. I had some frustration and loneliness as a little girl but grew out of it by 12. My DD is a child who needs another child to always be playing with, but b/c she is SO much work, we just couldn't deal with having another, so...she's going to be an Only as well. I know that she will ultimately be fine and is so grown up already - although only 5. She relates to adults well (just as I did). It took me nearly 5 yrs to give up the idea of possibly having another, but I have realized that it's the best thing that we can do. Financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically we just couldn't deal with having another and we are still in our early 30s!

This is a very personal decision that you guys need to make together if he is the man that you want to marry. But, it's ok to be an Only.

Oh, one other thing, my DH has one brother that he can't stand and never talks to and hated growing up with. He would have much rather been an Only.



answers from Spartanburg on

I TOTALLY get you. I am a single mom with an only child and, being almost 38, I am feeling like time is running out for me to give a sibling to my son. Unfortunately I don't have a mr. right, but for a man to be it would mean that he shares my desire to have another child. I understand your worries about resenting him if you don't have a child and about him resenting you if you do have one. It's tough, I hope by talking this through you find a common ground and are able to make a choice that is comfortable for both. Good luck!



answers from Miami on

My dd is an only child but definitely not a lonely child. We are lucky because we have a very close family so she has lots of cousins. That being said, we are very happy and she loves our 1 to 1 time. She does really well at school, has lots of friends and is a very sociable child. (she is also not a spoilt child which some folks assume) We will take weekend trips away at the last minute with little to no planning involved which I probably wouldn't do with more than one child. One of my best friends has also told me I am more like a sister to her than her own siblings so please don't think that your child will not have that kind of relationship. Good Luck


answers from Columbus on

I’m an only child and because of that, I never wanted to have just one child. I never depended on my parents for entertainment because they were just not that type of people and I’m very independent, but I did feel lonely very often; especially on vacations and family events, I always felt better when we had tons of family over and disliked it very much when it was just the three of us.
The fact that my mom has always been very protective and worrywart, made me feel very overwhelmed because I felt I was her only point of attention and happiness, so when it was time for me to go to college, I chose one as far as possible from my house (as well as many other single daughters I met there) and that’s when I was finally able to be myself without the fear to disappoint my parents (be an only child can make you feel very responsible for your parents happiness).
Although I now have 2 beautiful kids, there was a time when it seemed that I was only going to have one (already born by then) and although I came to accept it, I cried a lot over the realization that I was only going to have one, especially because I don’t have any siblings and my husband only has one on the other side of the country, so I felt that my son would be alone as a growing up (not even cousins nearby).
On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t have been able to go to such a good college or travel like I did if I would’ve had siblings. I was also very mature from a young age, because I went everywhere with my parents and was always surrounded by adults.
Also, remember that there are many happy only children out there with tons of cousins and friends, so my story is just one perspective; it may just have been my personality (and my mom’s over protectiveness) what made me dislike been on my own.
Good luck to you in making your decision; it’s a very hard one to make.



answers from Chicago on

There are no guarantees in life. Not sure if you have a religious belief or not but sometimes having the thougth and attitude to "Let go and Let God" do his things. He is beyoned your imagination and knows what is best for you always. I say go for what is going on in your path and no ones life is as they have planned. i am worried if you think that it will just set you up for disappointment. Your adopted child is brought to you by a special power and embrace that love that and see what it brings!
I had 7 miscarriages and of course wanted 4 children. When we adopted our daughter at three years old. Her birthmom was an alocholoic who couldnt take care of her anymore. We thought oh my gosh how lucky are we to have our child, one is great, we aer so lucky and blessed and people were like dont you want a baby. We said we got one, we didnt need diapaers and sleepless nights to make us a family. We needed the pumpkin patches and hugs and well there is so much to life than you can ever imagine. It is greater than all your hearts desires. Funny thing is we got all happy and content with our one child and no problems with her not having a sister etc and well boom God had other plans once again... I had twins yes lost 9 children and finally I carry to term twins. I have lupus and was never able to have a pregnancy doctors say and yes i did have tons of complications and almost lost one at 13 weeks and the went into labor at 27 weeks. So it is very obvious these kids were meant to be here and with us even if we wanted four or one or what ever we thought we wanted. God new best and I wish and hope someday you can see this and let go and let his magic come into your life, like is it already! Good luck to you and all your endevours!

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions