Need Advice on How to Respond to DD About Adopting a Sister

We lost our newborn when out son was in second grade, so we know the pain of empty arms too. There are a lot of groups for children who have lost siblings (Rainbows is our local one.) That might help her. We explained that no matter how a child comes into a famliy, via adoption or birth, a family may want a child badly, but ultimately it is out of their control. Adoptions take a long time and a lot of money sometimes. It sounds like in her mind - she thinks losing Isabel is somehow her fault. I would assure her that what happened to Isabel is no one's fault.
I might also suggest getting her an affectionate pet if she doesn't already have one. Pets listen to our feelings and give unconditional love. Although not a substiture for a sibling, it would give her the opportunity to express her nurturing instincts and have them reciprocated.
You are right in that you never get over the loss - it is so hard to see children who are the age yours should have been and to think - that should be us. We do things like adopr a child off the giving tree at Christmas that is about the same age our son should have been and give them gifts in his memory.

I suggest that your daughter is not thru mourning the loss of her baby sister and would focus on helping her do that. When she talks about adopting I'd respond with a comment about missing the baby and how an adoption will not replace that baby. I'd talk often and for several or more minutes at a time about the lost baby. Focus on what she's lost instead of the adoption. If this were happening for me I'd get professional help.

I'd not discuss a possible adoption at all. Be direct. We are not going to adopt a baby. Yes, you may some day but adoption is not definite. You don't know enough about adoption and your own feelings and circumstances to know for sure that you will adopt. Your daughter is too young to be involved in the process that would lead to or away from an adoption. Therefore adoption should not be a possibility for her. She's too young.

I know pregnancy must be a painful subject for you but let me draw this comparison. If you were hoping to get pregnant you would not tell your daughter about those plans. You would not include her in the monthly disappointment if a period or talk to her about fertility treatments. Adoption is a similar process.

I understand that considering adoption is a way to soften the pain of your loss but in the long run, as you're experiencing, it causes other emotional issues. If there will be no adoption possibility in your daughter's world she will eventually accept that there is nothing that she can do to make it happen.

It may sound cold but I think it's important to remove the possibility of adoption from your daughter's mind. And then to allow her to mourn the loss of the baby and the loss of the idea of a replacement. She, and possibly you and your husband, have not felt the deep pain of losing your baby because you've softened the pain with the possibility of adopting another baby. I'm not sure I've adequately explained this concept or that it will helpful for you. I'm presenting it as a different way of looking at the reason for your daughter's focus on the adoption.

I suggest telling her that you are not going to adopt at this time and repeat that over and over without going into any additional information. Answer every question with, "we're not going to adopt."

Then I suggest that you not talk at length about what it would be like if your baby hadn't died. When she imagines what it would be like I'd respond with "you are very sad that baby didn't do that. Baby is gone. We are very sad." Focus on the sad feelings and letting go of the dream that if baby had lived this would happen. Let her talk about her imaginings but don't encourage them. Bring her back to baby is gone and we are very sad. Do this to the point that she cries and comfort her if crying is what she needs to do. Has she cried about losing her little sister? At one she wasn't aware. She's aware now and must grieve that loss.

You have my empathy. The loss of a baby and the loss of another pregnancy is so very painful. It's understandable to want to soften the pain for your 6 year old but that isn't the best way to help her move ahead.

I suggest that one reason she tells you she'll share her toys is that you or others have told her that she'll have to share her toys in an effort to impress on her the reality of having a sibling. She's not had a sibling. Having to share her toys with a sibling has not meaning for her. She just has to convince you that she will share and then everything will be alright.

This is one reason I suggest that talking with her about why you aren't adopting now only makes the issue more complicated and seem like something she might be able to influence if she could only find the right way of doing it. If there is to be no adoption then she has not control. This may make her angry. As odd as it sounds anger is a more helpful emotion than longing for something that you cannot have. Anger is the first stage of grief.

A counselor specializing in children and grief issues could be of great help to you.

At 6, children much more aware of the world especially how other families are...one parent, two parents, one child, siblings, etc. Part of her questions could be related around what she sees around her. A friend at school has a sister so she wants one too. The loss of a sibling previously I'm sure would magnify that even more. Lots of love and lots of hugs and open communication at her level is always a good way to go.

As for adoption, I am an adoptive parent and there many, many ways to build your family through adoption. We adopted domestically 3 years ago. We got a call two weeks after finishing the paperwork and our daughter was born 7 hours after the phone call. The time to adopt and the expense varies tremendously. When you are ready to learn more about adoption, talk to everyone you can to learn the reality not the myths. I'd be happy to help answer your questions as well.

If your heart says you want to adopt a child, and you are finacially secure and in stable living conditions... then I think it is a wonderful thing to do. Especially since your daughter takes it very seriously, as well. You just have to ask yourself (and your husband), is this what we really want? Can we handle the whole package deal that comes along with it? If you are able to face the challenges and are accepting of the way another child may grow up to be like - regardless of the love and care you provide for them... you are "cut out for the job", lol. Well, I wish you all the best of luck on your decision either way.

My daughter is 4 and sometimes I just explain everything to her as clear as possible for her little mind. Sometimes it flies over her head, but most often, amazingly, she says, "Okay Mommy".

So my suggestion, is explain the limits on income and costs of children, then the shortfalls. Explain the emotions and heartbreaks that may be involved in an adoption and explain how the right time for everyone is important.

Best of luck.

I suggest finding a good support group for your family. I mysekf have lost children and it is something you never truely get over. I explain it as 2 diffrent versions of reality, before the loss and after. There is a wonderful international group I go to and you can see if there is one in your area, Compasionate Friends. They are wonderful.

My son is 7 and asks us to adopt a 5 or 6 year old boy, daily. We also can't have a another baby. This I belive is based on his 1/2 brother. My hubs has a son from a previous relationship, he is 17. The last time we saw him my son was 2. Yet he talks about his brother as if he saw him 5 minutes ago. He'll tell other kids my big brother is going to teach me to skateboard. We don't see my step-son because of his mother keeping him from us so my son has found an alternative, lets adopt. He also suggested, even though he loves his dad, I should marry someone else so i could have another baby. I think he thinks it's one child per father. All his friends have siblings and school seem to talk about "family" alot and the example is usually multiple kids. Because my son gets so upset about not seeing his bro and wanting us to adopt we are taking him this week to talk to a child therapist to help him cope with all of this and some other anxiety. I agree that your daughter is still "mourning" her sister and sort of feels the loss, like she "almost" had it all. Best of luck. A. B

As a mother, I understand your desire to educate your daughter with empathy and honesty. However, if Isabel was born five years ago, and DD is only six years old, it seems exceptional that DD would even remember her sister. Could it be that DD has assumed and internalized your grief? Also have you considered that your daughter surely wants lots of things that you don't even consider giving her? Respond accordingly. For instance, my children want a pony--but there is no question in my mind about whether or not they can have one. Is it possible that your daughter senses your ambivalence on the issue of adoption and is using it to bolster her negotiating techniques?

Further, as an adoptee, I see this situation from a completely different point of view than you and your daughter. And I would recommend that you consider and truly ponder the fact that each and every adoption begins with the adoptee losing his/her first family. The sorrow you feel at the loss of your newborn, the first mother will feel for her child, and the child for the mother. The sorrow that your daughter feels at having lost a sister, the adoptee will feel for a lifetime without any possibility of blood siblings.

Maybe you should explain the realities of adoption to your daughter. Adopting is not a "baby store" where you can go pick out a model that you think would suit your needs. Adoptees are not "blank slates" that you can impose a personality or disposition upon. Adoptees lose their history, their story, their family, their identities.

Adoption should be all about finding families for children who have no one, not finding babies for couples that want to have families--or finding sisters for little girls. 95% of the world's orphans are over the age of five. If you eventually decide to adopt, why not consider adopting an older child that really does need a family?

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