Anger Towards Husband

My husband used to make plans and be gone for guy time all the time, just knowing I would be there for the kids. I felt resentment about it, and finally talked to him about it. He felt so bad, he had no idea I felt that way, and always thought that if I had wanted girl time, or alone time, or whatever, I would have told him and he would have taken the kids no questions asked, but I never asked for that. Now that we both understand more about what the other person thought and expected, we are better balanced. He asked if it is ok if he does this or that, and cancels if he is getting too many activities in a row, and I speak up and ask for the alone time I want/need/deserve. It is all about trying to see life through the other persons eyes. For us this all came to light in therapy, which I highly recommend to any couple that is having trouble communicating well and staying balanced with each other.

My husband didn't get the whole taking care of the baby thing until he started being left with his days to get her dressed, fed, and off to preschool. Now he has stories every week too. They just don't get it.

I'm feeling a bit confused. You're angry with your husband for doing what you'd like to do but refuse to do? I do understand the feeling. I also suggest a way to help lessen this feeling.

OK, you don't want to leave town and your baby for the weekend. But, do you leave the baby with him for a couple of hours at a time so that you can do something for yourself? Sounds like you don't trust him to adequately take care of the baby. But.....you also aren't giving him a chance to learn.

So, he falls asleep. I've done that while feeding a baby. I think it's a good sign that he's relaxed enough to do that. Do you let the baby fuss and wake him up or do you come to the rescue? I suggest that you need to find a way to help your baby's father learn how to care for him. And one way of doing that is to leave them alone for an hour or two at a time to start with and build up to more time.

You absolutely need time for yourself! It's your responsibility to find a way to take care of yourself. I wonder, if you've fallen into the trap that most of us women have been taught is our lot in life. The trap that says our husbands are supposed to take care of us.

Try talking with your husband about what you need, without criticizing him. Ask him to take care of the baby while you have a bubble bath and then let him do it. Your baby will be fine if the bottle falls out of his mouth. If he wants to eat more, he'll fuss and wake his daddy up. If he doesn't fuss, not a problem.

You have to ask for what you need. And you have to let your husband learn how to be a daddy to yours and his son.

This is over simplified. I suspect that the two of you are having difficulty talking with each other. Couples counseling can help. Or perhaps reading about non-violent communication so that you can learn a different way of talking together would help. The authors of this form of communication have a web sit. Google non-violent communication. They also have a book.

These are difficult months for both of you. Good that your husband is taking care of himself. You need to do the same. It would be reasonable for you to ask him not to go away two weekends in a row, if you ask him in a calm way, explaining that you need him. Nagging does not work.

I am sympathetic. I now you can work this out.

My boyfriend used to fall asleep while feeding our daughter too. I just realized that he's the type of guy that if he's not moving he gets tired and falls asleep. My boyfriend works long hard hours too, so in a combo of that, not moving, and having a little heater on him, he would be snoring in no time. The only thing that worked for my boyfriend was to have his laptop next to him or a magazine to read an article while he was feeding her. Then he ended up reading his hot rod magazines to her. =)
As far as the getting away, talk to him. Tell him you need his help around the house. Space out the "guys" weekends. Take turns on "away" time. Even if you don't want to leave town, tell him you have scheduled something for the weekend, like a pedicure, or you want to go to the bookstore, etc. I just had to tell my boyfriend straight out....."I need ME time too!" After we had a few talks, things changed. I think it was in part that we discussed it, but also we got into a routine. He got used to asking me if I had anything planned, or if he could go away. He took charge of taking the baby if he had errands to do, so I go to house hold things, etc. Just be honest with him. Good Luck!

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It's an old, old story. The mom is seen by the dad as the primary caregiver for infants. Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, in an ideal world, all dads would share more of the work around the house and be more involved with their children.

Unfortunately, many "real" husbands' expectations are that they did their wives a favor by impregnating them, because it was the wife who really wanted the child(ren). Many men behave as if they did their wives a favor by simply marrying them and giving them a home to run, too, so why should wives complain?

So that's one component of "the way things are," and if wives stay focused on those inequities, nearly all marriages will eventually fail. You don't say how long you've been married, whether you mutually wanted this child, how much you talked through beforehand about who agreed to do what.

You do mention how hard your husband's work life is, and he may see your staying home as a great blessing he's making possible for you. And perhaps it is. If that is just as true as you not having the freedom to "get up and leave town," and that you "would not even if I could," then you might be able to balance your resentment with an appreciation of what he is providing for you, for the sake of making your own thoughts easier to live with.

Resentment (even if you deserve to indulge yourself) will eventually poison your marriage. Not wanting others to have something we are denied, especially someone we have promised to love and cherish forever, is a rather unforgiving place from which to nurture a long-term relationship.

I'm guessing that if you can throw yourself heart and soul into mothering and "wifing," ride out these demanding early months of your child's life, and stay positive and loving, your husband will begin to interact with this baby as it grows older and more responsive. Continue to ask for what you want clearly, because guys are generally incapable of taking hints. Perhaps you have told him clearly that you want him to stay home and participate more, that would be one thing. But if you haven't, don't expect him to "get" why you are resentful.

And consider cutting him a little slack after a day at work. Falling asleep feeding the baby may be nothing more than he is too tired to stay awake.

If you can't "educate" your husband in the nurturance and companionship you'd like for yourself and your child, consider counseling. It can be tremendously helpful in sorting these issues out.

I can definatly relate to this feeling...but a couple things to keep in mind.

Babies start changing dramatically at around 6 months. The past few months I'm sure you've noticed some new things in your child but you've got a lot more coming. Your child's personality is going to really start to emerge and it's going to feel like something new is happening every day. My husband didn't really relate very well or bond really close with our son until he reached this age and then he found more reason to WANT to stay home.

You don't have to stay at home just becuase you don't work. Once a week I take a day and go somewhere for the entire day. I get home just before my son needs to go to bed. I visit family, friends, do errands, whatever I need to get done, but I get out of the house to do it. This also allows my husband to have a guilt free night to do what he wants. He could go out with friends, stay late at work, come home and do nothing, but it gives him the time to himself that he needs too. Also a few times a week I get out of the house and go to the beach, playground, or someother activity we can't do here. This helps me feel not so isolated and angry that I'm missing out on something just cause I'm a mother now.

I agree with a previous poster. You're not trusting your husband, and it's over small stuff. So what if he fell asleep while feeding the baby. Did he drop the baby?? No, just a bottle...so don't come to the rescue. Let Dad figure out how to be a Dad in much the same way you had to learn how to be a mom...experience. Hand him the baby and say I need to go do blah blah blah and go do it without looking back. Leave the house if you need to or go take a bath...but just trust that if he doesn't know how to do it he's going to ask for your input, help, or guidence.

This could be a little hormone related but I'm not talking baby blues...are you getting enough exercise? Exercise releases feel good hormones into your body and helps you balance your emotions better. Maybe you could go for a walk while Daddy takes care of baby for an hour. Then you're getting some time to yourself and a little feel good hormone shot to the brain at the same time!

It's good that you know this anger isn't good for you. Just remember that the resentment that you feel could eat a BIG hole in your relationship, and sometimes communication is just what the doctor ordered. There probably isn't some really quick fix to your emotions. Know they are real, normal, and preventable. Focus less on fixing him and more on how you're emotionally reacting to his behavior.

Good Luck to you...I hope you find the solutions you're looking for!

R., just talk to him...he and you both are going through a transitional stage. Believe me, guys dont know. You HAVE to tell them what you want.
Let him have his time...but demand YOUR time too. Take turns...communicate...that is what makes a marriage work.

Good Luck and Congrats on the bundle of BABY!!!

Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he sees no problem in what is going on...unless you have calmly and quietly told him. Men do NOT see issues like this...I have been married for 42 years and believe me it doesn't matter how long you have been together...communication can be a challange!! Men talk FACTS...women talk FEELINGS...so you need to switch to his level and just tell him the facts...without being indignant or accusatory. "Honey I really wish we could have some more family time on the weekends, " or "Honey, it makes me feel so alone when you take off with the guys every weekend, I wish we could spend some time together or you could take care of baby and let me have a girls night out with my friends".
It sounds like your husband is a great guy...hard worker....he just needs a little nudge in the relationship department!!! Don't get angry... and don't suffer in silence....but speak up and work with him to find a solution to this issue between the two of you.

i can relate. I've never been more annoyed by my husband than in the first six months of each of my children. I like Peg's response. I often feel torn between wanting my own time too and feeling guilty about not wanting to spend all my free time with the kids. I'd just talk to your husband. I just don't think that they think to offer as when an opportunity comes up for them they just take it. When I say something my husband almost always is able to help me figure out a way to get some time back for myself.

I hate to tell you this, but that is typically male behavior. They seem to think that since we are home all day we don't need a break.

You need to put your foot down and tell him you want "me" time. Let him watch the baby for a few hours by himself, to give him a sample of what you have to do everyday.

I hope it helps that you know you are not alone in this battle for getting "me" time

Girl, you are preaching to the choir! I get ZERO girl time, yet my husband thinks he should get all the guy time he wants. It puts a HUGE strain on our marriage. I am a SAHM too and I desperately NEED adult interaction. I try to explain to my husband that we are parents now. We need to spend our weekends together as a family. If he goes away for the day (he NEVER does overnights anymore), then I get to go away the next day. It's hard because, especially with my first, I never wanted to leave the baby. It led to a lot of depression on my part. You HAVE to get away. HAVE TO! Start with a few hours. If you can't find anyone to go with you, go by yourself. Go sit in the park and read a book, go shopping, meet a girlfriend for coffee, anything to get yourself out of the house for a few hours. If it makes you feel better, plan it during the baby's naptime. Just get out!
As far as the falling asleep thing..my husband does that too. He's so exhausted after work sometimes it's all he can do to sit at the table and eat dinner with us. I don't have any advice for that. I've learned that it's just one of those irritating things that I have to put up with.
I find that when I'm home alone with the kids for long periods of time, everything irritates me. I can vividly remember, after my first was born, yelling at my husband for chewing too loud. I laugh about it now, but at the time I thought I was going to go INSANE. That was my clue that I needed to get OUT ALONE! I was petrified to leave my daughter, and to my shock, my husband did just fine with the baby.
Men think that being a SAHM is all napping, watching daytime TV and relaxing. They don't realize how terribly isolating it can be. Talk to him. Explain how you feel.
Good luck to you! Know that you're not the only one that has or is experiencing these types of feelings :)

haha, i see what you mean. I'm a stay at home mom as well with a baby. When my husband goes out, i feel anger too. But its because when the hell are they gonna say "hey, i'll take care of the baby, the house and you go out the whole weekend if you want" yeah, in our dreams! we want that so badly that we get angry and frustrated and end up resenting them. They work eight hours a day and when they come home they are "free" and we work 24/7 and never get a break. Just talk to your husband, let him know how you feel, tell him you need a break too or would like to get away. Just do it calmly. Good luck

The best thing you can do for yourself is not rely on others to make you happy and content. You must do that for yourself. Your husband is doing what he needs to do in order to cope and you need to do something as well. Get a babysitter and tell him the following free wknd is for you two this time... and go grab a motel in town and relax. Or, if you dont feel like doing anything with him, grab some of your girlfriends or your mom or sister or cousin and hang out to get your "me time" hole filled. Neither spouse should pressure the other to fill a happiness hole. You are in charge of your own contentment.

Have you talked to him and asked for help. You are working hard too, to raise a baby and it takes both parents so both can have rest, time for themselves and a positive attitude which affects the baby. when the father feeds the baby, talks to the baby, plays with the baby, this forms a bond with the father...it is important that the father participates, no matter how busy he is with work. It is the committment he made when making a decision to have a child. I agree that two weekends in a row is too much for guy time. It is easy to get angry, but when you talk to him, try to put your anger aside and let him know that you need his help and tell him all the great reasons for it (benefits for the baby and your marriage). I hope it gets better soon.

I have to agree with Grandma TM... You should make time for you two together... get a sitter and go on a date. Having babies doesn't mean that women don't need romance and attention anymore. I think we need it more than ever! Don't wait years and years to fix this cause it'll only get worse and possibly ruin our marriage. I'm speaking from experience... I'm still married (16yrs, 2 kids later) but our marriage took a huge hit just recently before we realized that these issues should have been addressed a LONG time ago... Hope it helps ;o)

It may have been said already... but you need to have a real talk with him and let him know that for every "guy" time away from everyone he gets... you get one. Not only is it not right, but it is extremely selfish for him to expect things to go that way.

I don't care if it's 'typical' male behavior - doesn't mean it should be accepted.