Am I Asking Too Much of My Husband?

Dear S., I think you may be married to my husband. I always say I don't need a husband, what I need is a wife! LOL

I have to periodically remind my H of 3.5 things:

1- His 8 hour day does NOT equal my 14 hour day

2- If kiddo & I got his by a bus tomorrow... he'd have to do ALL the things he USED to do... aka shopping, cleaning, cooking, home maintenance/repair, bills, etc... WOW... low and behold someone is doing all of that stuff for him, but wait, not just him but for 3 people. If only *I* got hit by a bus tomorrow, it would include all the childcare and child raising.

2.5 - The real world price tag for all the stuff I do for our family (aka what he'd have to pay someone to continue living as he does). EX:

- 40 hrs of infant (or non-potty trained) care = 1600 per month (if he wants 80 hours of care, that's double)
- House Cleaner = $60 p/hour. Bare minimum of 10 hours per week = $2400 p/ month
- Personal Chef
- Personal Assistant/shopper
- Prostitute or Girlfriend
- Etc

3- The day all I care about/want from him is his paycheck, is the day we get divorced and I start recieving alimony & child support. If all he wants to "give" to the family is money, we can start proceedings.

It's harsh... but I'm married to an engineer type... I have to spell things out in black and white, with real world numbers... or he just plain and simple doesn't see the "value". I love him madly, but he's periodically a real idiot.

We teach people how to treat us. You sound like me sometime ago. What you have is resentment. How you got it? You met hubby & fell in love & due to that love began doing things for him to make his life easier. Since we usually do what we think is right, we kinda expect our loved ones to do the same. You don't realize at the time that you expect to be reciprocated, but you do. Then of course you had children & you love them, so you do things for them too, not all for survival of healthy happy life either. Only problem is hubby is now spoiled & very hard to unspoil without a riot - guess what...same goes for kids too! Took a year in marriage counseling for that! Anyway, got hubby to committ to do one activity and it really really helped. Here it is....counselor had me write down my weekly schedule in 15 minutes increments. then go through & label each one as time I spend for work, kids, family, spouse, & me. I'm betting your me category is gonna be rock bottom. Then sit down & do the same for your hubby's schedule as you to believe it to be. I bet his me category is gonna be up at the top. Then if you can, have him do the same & then sit down & review how each of you sees the others day versus how you see it. The trick to have no resentment from either side is to have the spouse, kids, & me categories to be equal. Counselor explained to hubby that I regarded him no different than one of my kids who was dependant on me & rarely does a mother want to have sexual relations with their child. Most women want to sleep with a man who takes charge, makes us feel safe & cared for hence why we usually pick men similar to our fathers. ironic huh? Somehow this all got through to my hubby & now, when he is in our home he is an active participant. He helps with the kids & the house. We do a luncheon every now and again & do this excercise to keep things in balance. Our marriage has improved & so has our love life. This keeps us on the same page with most things including disciplining the kids cuz there isn't any resentment clouding our decisions. Best money I ever spent, which was a little over $4,000, but I'm happier & it is cheaper than divorce would have been, which is where we were headed. Hope this helps you show him & yourself the light like it did us. best of luck & best of all, it's free! 8-)

Just recently we had a huge fight about this, and we found some things that work for us.
I asked my husband to do one dinner per week, and he picked Wednesday. It is funny because my kids don't particulary like what he cooks, but I won't say a word. It is his battle to fight.
We also got our kids to help out around the house. My preschooler helps me with unloading the dishes, and my older son is in charge of trash. I think I was as unhappy with them as I was with my husband.

I have to say that I had to learn to give up control if I wanted him to pitch in more. His biggest complaint with me was that he felt he never could do the right thing, and in many ways he was right. I needed to be out of the house and let him find his way to deal with the kids. I don't always agree with how he is handling stuff, but I learned to not be too critical.

I know you are tired and probably don't want to add anything to your schedule, but have you thought about signing up for a course at an adult ed place? Have a regular girls' night out? Go to the gym? If you get out of the house, he might start taking over his responsibilites more. Getting out every once in a while will actually give you a huge boost of energy to deal with your daily life.

Good luck!

Okay, I read some of your responses and believe mine to be quite different then the majority. The bottom line is.......his job is outside the home and yours is the home. You are the CEO of the household. I am a full-time SAHM and my husband works full-time outside of the home. My job is to raise the best children I can, make our home comfortable, and let my husband know how much I appreciate the fact that noone outside of our immediate family is raising our children! I handle everything except paying the bills. My husband handles the finances. I have no problem taking garbage out. We hire someone to handle our yards. If your gutters need to be cleaned out, hire someone! As for your children, you are their mom and your job is to take care of them no matter what time of day it is! I may sound harsh but it's the reality. When the weekend comes, let your husband know that you are going grocery, etc and he is watching the kids. Period. No argument. He'll get over it.
By the way, you did not mention what your husband does for work. Does he work weekends?
Good luck to you! Maybe you can listen to Dr. Laura someday. She makes sense!

You are not asking too much. He is being a little selfish. I have four kids, one is in Kindergarten and I stay home with the other 3. It is exhausting! When my husband gets home, I give him 30min or so to unwind, then I "clock out" for about an hour. I lock myself in my room and relax. I'm serious about it too. He understands (after some convensing from me) that I'm tired at the end of the day too.

The house is not ALL my responsibility. Everyone has things to do. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, but my kids clean their own rooms, clear the table after meals and sweep the floor. My husband is in charge of trash and bathrooms. I do the shopping, but if I need something from the store, I text my husband and ask him to pick it up on his way home.

My husband was not on board with all of this at first, until I went on strike. One Friday afternoon I had had enough of doing everything. I packed me an overnight bag and had a girls weekend with my sister. Before I left I made sure I didn't do the dishes, laundry or shopping. By Saturday morning he had had enough and said he hadn't realized how much it took to run a house. That's when we sat down and worked out what each of us would do around the house.

Good luck, hope this helps

No you are not asking too much.

HE is a Husband,
HE has children,
HE lives in a house
He should take care of more than his own bodily needs, or do you have do to that for him too?
TELL him that. He is not a baby.

Give him, like Riley mentioned, a spread sheet of ALL that you do, and your time consumed by it and the "Cost" of it.

Next, you should NOT have to "ask" permission to go run errands, even if it is in the evening. He should just step up to the plate.. .and gee, running errands is not going on on the town with girlfriends. HE is a Dad, TOO... so therefore, he HAS TO, (its not a choice), take care of his kids too... AND YOU since you are his wife.

You are not his "maid." So, remind him, you are a "wife" not a slave. And again, show him the break-down of all that you do... post it up on a wall.

Tell him YOU work ALL DAY, 24 hours a day, with NO pay, NO vacation, NO holidays, NO lunch hour, and NO time off. And that HE only "works" a 9-5 job. That is less "work" than you. You do NOT get the evening off.... the home does not close up after a certain time... you do not get to "leave" the house/work and then that's it.... because your "job" is ALL day and night.

Next, tell him you are NOT his "Mother" and he is not a baby. He is a Grown man with a wife and children... and he has to grow up.

Next, Make a "Daddy Do List" and on it.. list all the things that he is responsible for... or should be.
Then post that up on the wall.... in a central location.
That is what I do. Not because my Husband is an idiot 90% of the time, but because he just does not even remember WHEN the trash has to be taken out, even though it is the SAME every darn week. SO, for my husband, he says this "list" helps him.

But, your husband, well, he is acting like a child.
You have to get tough... like with a Toddler.
AND, he has NO right, to get angry at you, for having to run errands once he is home. I"m sorry, but that it just being a jerk. A spoiled jerk. He should NOT be having a "fit" if you need to do things for the home or HIM or the family, or yourself,.... and if it requires you leaving the house to do so. C'mon, that is just life... and you are trying to provide for your home... which also includes him.

Next:
I would SHOW him all of your responses... and let him read it. He really needs to grow up.
You are not wrong.
And no, this is not typical male behavior... and no, it is NOT an excuse.

All the best,
Susan

no your not expecting too much. it is his job just as well as yours at keeping the house chores inside and out done. you shouldnt be the one doing it all even if you are a SAHM. my husband works 12 hr job and i am a SAHM but he still tries to help out. i would tell him he can do bedtime while you do your grocery shopping. i dont blame you for not being turned on anymore...i wouldnt be either if it was me. i would have THE talk with him about him helping out more. if he has the excuse i work all day then explain to him so do you but you still would like some help. it will only get worse if you dont try to put your foot down. stop doing his laundry...stop putting his laundry away. stop making him dinner at night...feed yourself and the kids and if he complains say o i'm sorry i was too busy to take care of you too.

I believe this is typical male behavior. And in my experience, men always feel they deserve to relax once they have worked X number of hours in a day. Women, on the other hand, don't feel they can relax until everything is done. It's a completely different way of looking at things.

I just was flipping through channels yesterday, and came upon John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I listened for a while, and he addressed just that issue, among others.

He stressed that men need to be asked to do things, and then later reminded to do those things. He said men let those things pile up until there's a list, and then in one day they do them all. Maybe you can read something by John Gray.

I only read a few responses, so I might be repeating. I agree that this is NOT ok. I also think that yes, it is pretty typical male behavior for some guys, especially if they are allowed to get away with it. Certain types of guys (usually the computer/engineering/nerdier types, in my experience) tend to not see things unless you spell them out completely for them. They will never get hints, and even after you TELL them what to do, they will still rebel sometimes. I have a few friends this way.

My sister's husband is the worst. He will do okay after they have a talk/fight about it, then forget and start relapsing. So what she does is she goes on strike. On his day off, she just takes off for the day, leaving him with the kid all day. If that doesn't work, she stops washing his laundry, cooking and doing his dishes, picking up his junk. All of a sudden he has no clean clothes to wear to work, no dinner ready, no clean dish to put a sandwich on, and can't find his important stuff come morning. It takes a week or so before it gets to the level where he notices, so she just takes care of herself and the baby and waits until he does. I think this is a great consequence for a husband that doesn't pull his weight. Maybe do the spreadsheet idea, and tell him that if he doesn't get with it, you will go on strike.

I think the majority of the time, they are just clueless and selfish, not deliberately trying to be controlling or abusive or anything. I know with my brother in law, he just forgets and starts to act like a jerk. But when she says anything, he thinks she is nagging. It takes a wakeup call to make him see how he is acting, and then he is always sorry.

Another thing both my sister and I do is make a honey do list. My husband has to follow his honey do list. Sometimes it is a daily one, sometimes just the odd job thing. Mine is really good about being helpful, but would never remember to get to the gutters on his own without being reminded a couple times at least.

I mirrored my husband for a week and the house got horrid. The laundry wasn't done, trash wasn't out, I enjoyed many hours on the computer and actually got to watcdh some tv, I used frozen food and didn't cook, I did everything as much like him as I could. He's retired by the way. He finally got how much I was doing and he now does the dishes and takes out the trash, does he do it well? No. But I have to let him either fail or succeed and not let it bother me. Sometimes you just have to let something go.

One thing I seriously thought about doing is write down everything I do, from sweping after dinner to washing the curtains every 6 months. And one day put them into jars by how often done, ie: hourly, like diapers or potty training, daily, weekly, monthly, bi-yearly, yearly, etc...and he draws out one and I draw out 2. (This was when he was working and that is a full time job and it counts as helping with the family, without it we would be homeless and hungry.) I decided it would be counter productive since he had retired by this point and I would get detter results with him by showing by example.

No and yes. lol
You aren't expecting too much to have some help and understanding... but what he is doing is pretty typical for young dads with SAHM wives. Probably about 50-50... some dads are SO into their kids that they help with everything... they aren't the "typical" ones...

It will take some negotiating and communication to get anything to change. Sometimes dads naturally become more involved as the kids get a little older. How old are your kids?
Dad's don't understand (until they've done it usually) exactly how tiring, frustrating and energy sucking taking care of kids and the house all day can be, particularly day after day after day. But he won't just suddenly figure it out, either. You have to help him understand. Try to talk to him and let him know that you understand he is under a lot of pressure being the sole provider for the family and how much you appreciate that. Then explain to him how you want to be the most supportive wife that you can be, but that you have a hard day too, and that there are some things that would really make you a better wife..... like _____. Don't overwhelm him with everything.. just a few key things... Is it that you would like him to take out the trash? Is it that you would like (after he has been home for 30 minutes) for him to "relieve you" for a half hour to mentally take a break from the kids, or so you can make dinner? Is it that you would like him to put the kids to bed every other night?
Just pick one or two things that would REALLY impact how overwhelmed you are feeling.

And suggest that one Saturday a month, he take on full care of the kids for 4 hours so you can have some time to be S. instead of "Mommy". I used to go scrapbook one Saturday night a month. I left around 6:00 and it was done around midnight. Hubby only had a few hours with the kids before they went to bed... but HE had to put them to bed ;) He didn't mind doing it, but it mentally made SUCH a difference for me.

I don't think you're expecting too much. He needs to pitch in. The day of every mom is loooooooong--a lot longer than a 9-5 job PLUS we're "on-call" 24/7.
Discuss with him that you need him to take on a few household responsibilities "trash, outside maintenance, bath time, make dinner on Wednesdays, make breakfast on Sundays, grocery shopping, etc". Once you can plan on that, your life will get better and you will feel less like the hired help.
I think a lot of men will try to get away with whatever they can. The more you do, the less they do. It's NOT fair. He couldn't afford to pay for the types of service you provide! He should be helping out more.

Well, I have to admit that I thought that was just typical male behavior. I grew up believing you were supposed to take care of the house; cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. because that was the woman's job. However, when I got pregnant in 2008 and moved in with my boyfriend, I was surprised to find that there are men out there who take care of you and the household things! My boyfriend helps me with the baby (I admit he does like to sleep in and leaves me to care for our daughter most of the day even if he's home because he sleeps until the afternoon, but I get to be a stay at home mom and he's working and going to school-so I can deal with that!), he does the dishes, laundry, vacuums, takes out the trash....he's really supportive and never expects me to do everything. This is our first child and we're still trying to learn how to juggle everything so I have a hard time sometimes with her and when I can't get to things around the house, he just does them himself and doesn't get upset about it or anything. I'm very lucky, but I think it helps to communicate with your husband and let him know that it's about respecting you and showing you how much he appreciates what you do. Good luck!

Men are unique are they not? Why can't they see crumbs on the counter? One of the great mysteries of life I suppose. My solution...take a week or two and time all of the household "duties" including house, kids, errands, yardwork, cars, etc. After you have a decent average sit down with him and show him, ask him what he would like you to have done before he gets home from work (must be reasonable and allow for surprises) . It will help him "see" reality and empower him, men love that. Everything else on the list is split between the two of you when he gets home from work and the weekends or you hire the work done. Let him choose what he wants to do after work and on weekends, but it must be fair. BUT, yes a big, but, you will still have to be the director, that's just the way it is. You will have to make him a daily list and probably prompt him to get the work done. Give him an incentive, "Let's get our chores done by 8:00, so we can cuddle on the couch for an hour, get romantic in the bedroom, watch __________ on tv, etc. I have found that as long as I have my husband's priorites completed and give him 20 minutes to change clothes, take off his working cap and put on his family hat after he walks in the door, he is in a much better frame of mind and more than willing to lend a hand. Now to the sleeping late, forget it, (sob) in my experience if my husband got up with the kids so I could sleep, they still would bug me. To this day, the children will walk past their father to ask me some stupid question while I am in the shower or otherwise indisposed, and they are grown!

NO! you are not. I think in this situation, you will have to treat him like a child and apply Logical Consequences like the way i do with my 3 and 1 year olds. Desperate times requires desperate measures. :) The key is to TALK/ARGUE less and show with actions. Be calm always. No explaining if he tries to get you to argue with him...just be quiet and get yourself out of the house with the kids and to the park..if you need to breath...
That's cause i'm sure you've talked enough. And just say that if he wants you to argue your reasons and debate about this. Just say, "i've talked enough, you know what the answer is."

LOGICAL and NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
i.e. if you cannot get any shopping done, then unfortunately, there is no food to have home-cooked meals for him (just make sure to have some macaroni and cheese/instant food available for the kids temporarily until he gets it) - this is the logical consequence. Or only cook for you and the kids. The Natural - he'll have to go hungry and figure out his own meals.

OR...
in regards to him sleeping in...now this sounds really drastic. Not sure how old your kids are but make sure they're safe in their crib or with a gate in their rooms. Or take them to your bedroom in the morning where he is sleeping and close the door. Let them cry it out with daddy trying to sleep. Then don't tend to them. Yes, they'll be screaming, crying for their breakfast, but they're not going to die. And as hard as it is to hear them, you have to think... what if something ever happen to you and you died?? it would be up to your husband to care for these children. so let them cry...and let him hear the logical consequence of not tending to them. He won't be able to take it before he gets up from that bed.

Of course, he'll be so upset and get up to find where you are and why aren't YOU taking care of "your" children. Well, you're not there, you've gone to the market (leave him a note on the fridge). Let him know that you can either watch the kids OR go to the market, but NOT both. And either he helps you ...OR he takes care of the shopping AND kids all by himself. The logical consequences, he ends up not getting to sleep in AT ALL, let alone everyday.

Once this all calms down and he gets that you mean business, you guys can establish an agreement on what days you can sleep in and he gets up..and vice versa..etc. For him, it's better to get some days to sleep in than NOT AT ALL. :)

I can't speak specifically for your husband and his typical behavior, but not all men are like this. I think that you need to talk with him and tell him your concerns and needs. You guys should be a team, and the communication can help with that. My husband and I both work outside of the house, and when we get home, we both want to spend time with our son. He also takes out the trash, does most/all (when I am pregnant or nursing) of the yard work, he does laundry, vacuuming, cleans bathrooms, etc., and we all go shopping together on the weekends.

Part of your communication can be letting him know that his attitude is affecting the way you relate to him. If you are so exhausted, and then frustrated with him, that "quality" time, just can't happen. Women are a lot more mental when it comes to that and those frustrations prevent those feelings from coming out.

You need to have some understanding with him that when he gets home that you can say, I need a few minutes, and go into a room, shut the door and decompress on those difficult days, even if that room is the bathroom, just to get away.

I would say that this can be typical man behavior, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. I went through this many years ago with my husband. Now, he is the most attentive, caring and responsible dad/husband you'd ever meet. However, it took a kick in the pants to get him there. I was very much feeling like a married, single mother. He worked while I stayed home with the kids. His problem was mostly working too late. By the time he got home, I was in tears and he still had to "unwind". He did do stuff with the kids, but only after I asked him too or begged. It wasn't that he didn't love the kids, he just didn't know the routine and how much help I needed from him. I finally had had it. I told him that because I already felt like a single mom, I might as well take the kids to go live with my mom - somewhere I would get some support and help. I was serious and I was prepared to do it. That woke him up and he vowed to help more, etc. The other thing I did was to leave the kids with him on the weekends. I had not really done that before, because I was nervous about whether he would feed them the right stuff, make sure they got naps, know what they needed. etc. I finally realized that until he was forced to learn those things, he'd never realize what it was like for me to stay home with them all day. Instead of running home the first time he called to ask a question about what to feed them, etc. I stayed away. I let him figure it out. That, too, helped him to understand the process. I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but soemetimes men/dads just don't understand what we need from them and how much they need to be involved. We also would trade sleep-in days. If he slept in Saturday, I got to sleep in Sunday. Just tell him inadvance....."I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning, so be prepared to get up with the kids". It's a viscous cycle when it comes to "quality time". The more help you get, the more you'll be willing to give him. However, when you are giving, giving, giving, all day the last thing you want to do is give more at night when you are spent. I often told my husband that I was "overstimulated". I'd been touched all day by children and I didn't want to be touched anymore. Of course, I love the hugs and kisses from my kids, but after you carry them around, wipe noses, change diapers, etc you just get touched-out. If your husband responds to the kids and will help when you ask, then maybe he just needs a kick in the pants. However, if he's sleeping so much and disengaged from the family, it could be that he's battling some depression. Either way, it needs to be taken care of before it gets to the point of no return. Good luck to you!

Wow, S.! I thought I was the only one who experienced this! I am so sorry that you are not getting the support, from your husband, that you need and deserve!
No, I don't believe that you are expecting too much from him at all!! You expect him to act like a grown man, not a child! Hang in there. I have found no solution to my situation. I don't nag, because that gest me know where but ignored. I think that I need to accept that this is how he is. That way, I don't feel SO let down all the time. What do you think?

This is typical man behaviour but I have every sympathy with you. My husband get's up at 5am all week so likes to sleep in on weekends (I'm talking 8.30) , but there are the few odd occasions (maybe every couple of months) where I ask him to get up with the kids on the weekend instead , it never happens ,I either get the 'I get up all week' line or he just lays in bed until I am fully awake , by which point I may aswell get up myself. He helps out with the kids after work , bathes them , does homework with the eldest , as for actual household chores he never does those , I think the last time he used the vaccuum was when I was in hospital in summer 2008 for 2 weeks. He even leaves he laundry piling up in the corner of the bedroom!!!

To be honest this is the main cause of arguments between us but it stays the same , & I hate to keep on because I then feel like a right old nag which is something that I do not want to be

Good luck!