An Update and a Request: Kiddo Saw Birth Mom Today

No thoughts or advice. Just sending love, admiration and strength to you. Keep us posted, dear lady.

Hi Ephie,

Thanks for the update. I am sure I'm not the only person on this board who holds you in high regard and thinks of you and your family fondly.

No advice, but just want to say: I remember when I was fourteen and first met my bio dad at a mall-- all the emotions that went with that. Your little one is so fortunate to have you, to have you to ground all those feelings for her and to listen. I know this is very hard for you, too, but you did *real good* for your girl today.

And I will be hoping and praying that someone can be there for you, too. Tough stuff. Hugs. H.

Sending prayers and support your way!

Ephie, you're a rock, but it's okay for you not to always be one. Hugs to you!

Dawn

I don't know much of your story, but from the little I know, I admire your strength. You asked about letting go of that which you can't control, and for me, that's been trying to let go of the wrongs that have been done to you and decide what your new move will be. I'm doing that a lot with my kids - they get stuck in these endless loops of "he did this to me," "Yeah, because she did that to me." A simple disagreement can last half an hour. If it's clearly a one-sided problem, we try to resolve through apology and restitution, however little that may be. But often there is no clear cut right or wrong, so my message to them is: Okay, but what are you going to do next? Yes, that happened and it made you mad, but what will you do now?

Did you ever play the game of Life? The old board game? Seriously outdated and unrealistic when it comes to a lot of stuff, of course, but one thing that's true is that there are several places where you need to make choices, but no places where you go back three spaces. You keep going forward. If you made a bad choice, you can only go forward.

Compensate and correct what you can, try not to make the same mistakes again.

Don't mend bridges - you can't go back that way and the person you hurt is on his or her own path and won't be there anyway. But do mend relationships, because God willing, your paths will cross again and you will both be the better for it.

That's staying in the moment and moving on.

Stay strong and hug the little one.

Just want to let you know I'm with you. Circumstances are not exactly the same, from the sounds of it, but perhaps equally out of our control and at the mercy of the court system.

I know it's hard, but I do continue to concentrate on all the little things that need to be done every day. It helps.

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalsms 118:24

I have a plaque with that hanging in my house, and it's a good reminder for me that each day is it's own, and special, no matter how sad I am.

I know you feel like you are loosing it....but....you ARE doing it Ephie, and doing it well! Keep your chin up!

Good luck. You're entitled to mixed emotions. Blessings.

Ugh. I hope you are feeling better this morning. Yes, I have had to swallow expectations, regroup emotions and accept the almost, unacceptable. I've had to go forward with the knowledge that "the best" will never happen. That's really hard for me as I am a pretty strong willed person. I also believe in an all powerful God. I forget that we live in a broken world and "free will" is not just for the good guys.

I have written about my BPD mil on here and that's a situation that has not changed. Our family spent a year processing emotions and dealing with the fall out of treachery and betrayal. Sounds full of drama, doesn't it! It was and still is. There were days and months we dreaded every phone call. The phone would ring and we all look at each other with a look of "what now?"

But our self care came in the form of lots of exercise, talking and trying to be more mindful of other people in pain and situations they can not change. Good listeners are usually not born that way, they are made by circumstances like yours.

We also became more generous. That is a balm and a catharsis. It's a way of staying in the moment. Squeezing any good thing out of life that we can.
A smile from the receiver is gold!

You know all those things that we tell our kids not to do because it will turn out badly? Don't lie, don't steal, don't betray, don't covet, don't love things more than people, especially with family? Turns out we have living proof. My mil. Oh, what fun.

Keep on, keeping on. Laugh every time you can. Make someone else's day. Drive bad thoughts away anyway you can. Don't dwell on the bad, it's not worthy of your time. FOWARD.

Staying in the moment is about allowing yourself to fully have exactly where you are at. Give yourself the space to feel your feelings, even the ones you may think are wrong or irrational.

Acceptance doesn't mean you like what is happening or only feel peaceful about what is happening, it means that you let go of the "this shouldn't be happening" or "this should be different. Acceptance is sitting in "This is what is" and then asking what choices do I have with what is.

Puke on paper. Get some big pads of paper and just pour out all your thoughts, good bad and ugly, about the situations. Don't hold back. Just let everything pour out of you until there is nothing left.

Give yourself permission to cry, rant and rave, or even scream. Sitting in the car is a great place to scream.

Tear an old phone book to bits. Let all your frustration out on the phone book.

Take a walk around the neighborhood and pound through your feet the repetetive thoughts you may be having.

Really lean into being gentle with yourself. Watch for the vicious voice in your head that will be beating you up and pour that voice on paper. Then shred the paper.

Question the negative thoughts you are buying in to. Especially the shoulds and shouldn'ts.

Take really good care of yourself through the process. Hot baths, time outs, good food, wrap yourself in a warm soft blanket while you cry, reach out for support, be willing to say no to the things that aren't supporting you right now, and listen to your intuition.

Some great resources are:
The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson
The work by Byron Katie: www.thework.com

Ditto to what Jenny said...I have no advice, but we are here to listen, too. Just letting you know that you have me in your corner & I have such admiration for you & your strength.

i don't know the backstory but i can tell you are doing a great job by what you described. being there for your kid and yourself is best you can do. hope the bio mom is able to be a positive presence in your child's life. if no, road is wide for her.

I've been in your situation, only she isn't my sister, she's my husband's ex. It was so h*** o* me when they hadn't seen in her two and half years and suddenly she was there at her mother's (where hubby had taken the kids to visit). The kids did alright, but certainly didn't react the way your little one did. (And don't let anyone tell you she isn't yours. You're the one that has been taking care of her!!)

I found one thing that worked best for me when they started acting out, and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I took a long hot shower and just cried. I cried because I was sad. I cried because their mother didn't seem to care. I cried because suddenly she did seem to care. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. Let it out if you have to.

*hugs* You're an amazing woman. Don't ever forget that.