What Does Your Husband Do to Help Around the House?
March 10, 2008
My question is this? What does your husband do to help you around the house? Does he help with the laundry, dishes, the kids?
I work full time and so does my husband, but I still have to do all of the cooking, cleaning, paying of bills, taking care of our children 24/7 and running his business!!!!! The least I think he should do is empty the trash without being asked!!! My goodness, is this all men, or just mine????
Hi. I don't have a "husband", but I have been living with my bf for 3 years. IT MUST BE ALL MEN!!! I have no bio children, but am raising his 2 kids. I work full time & am a full time step parent. To his credit, he also works full time & is a full time student. But, come on..how hard is it to help out! We have a big house & there is A LOT to do here! If I ask him to take the trash, he says.."I'll take it in the morning before work.." Guess what..? He ALWAYS "forgets". UGH.. And his jackets & school books, etc.. get left ALL OVER THE HOUSE!! WHEREEVER HE SETS them down! When I'm running late, or tell him to feed the kids....forget it..it's take-out! I have better luck with the kids helping me out, then their dad! Good luck.
Hi I have a great husband who will pitch in and help with anything and everything. He loves to cook, he's a great cleaner, and does a good job with the laundry. He enjoys going to the store. I thank his parents who raised him to take part in everything. It makes for a great friendship and domestic harmony. We decided a long time ago that was the best way to keep a successful marraige. Marital happiness comes from both peole taking responsibility and willingly backing up the other person at all times, that is adulthood, anything less is unacceptable. Married 35 years, 2 kids , 3 grandkids, two careers. (: J.
It looks like you have received quite a bit of advice, but maybe some more from a male perspective might help. I work full-time and I go to graduate school full-time and my wife is a SAHM. I change diapers in the evening, do some evening feedings, iron my own clothes, & I take out the trash. My wife does everything else, but I try to help when I can. I don't know what other reponsibilites your husband has if any. I helped much more than I do now, before school started.
Do you ask your husband to help? Asking always helps me, but it is always dependent upon how my wife asks and when. Do not bombard your husband the minute he walks in the door. Not only does he work all day, but dealing with rush hour traffic can be a bear and put anyone in a sour mood. Also ask nicely and make sure you present it as a request and not a demand. It's important not to get upset if he says no (assuming he doesn't say no everytime). If you get upset when he says no, then it might as well be a demand.
Remember, men who go to work everyday generally have a supervisor telling them what to do all day and they rarely want to go home to a supervisor (it doesn't sound like the case with your husband though if he has his own business). I tend to help much more when not asked and I undertake the task on my own initiative. I hope this helps.
Heidi is the SAHM and I am one of the Service Mgrs at Don Chalmers Ford. I work about 55 hours a week, maintain the 3 cars and the motorcycles, pick up dog mess in yard, cook about 1/3 the meals, do dishes, do the floors, trash, handle bath and bed time with the 3 year old -- then take over the baby so Heidi can do email or shower or whatever. We also run a Quixtar powered business and I run Vonconcepts Publishing. If your man doesn't help out --- start by throwing away the TV :)
Being a part of the family has been very rewarding.
I have been married for a long time and my dear husband does help me.
My expectations were a "trap" for him in the early years of our marriage. I "expected" him to be a mind reader. Then I started greeting him at the door with a smile and hug, and focused on him for a few minutes. After my kindness to him (after a hard day at work) he was able to help me with "chores." I did ask him, sweetly, if he would help with specific tasks. After time, I learned not to criticize his execution of the job. He will not do it your way. So many of my friends constantly criticize their husbands, then wonder why they will not help.
Consider asking him what he would be willing to do. My husband willingly does the dishwasher, and vacuums for me. Why do they always have to take out the trash? Think of the implication.
You are very busy with all you have to do. Take some time for yourself, so you will feel better. May I suggest: www.flylady.com for a new perspective? You can do anything for 15 minutes at a time. It is our perfectionism that keeps us from doing what we would like to.
Enjoy your wonderful husband and children. Good luck!
My husband cooks and cleans and helps with the kids. I won't claim he does it every day but he does it frequently. I insist. LOL If I want something done, I ask. I don't expect him to be a mind reader. If I want him to take out the trash, I ask him to do it. My husband is absolutely great about "helping" but he still sees it as "helping" and he doesn't actually take responsibility for making sure anything gets done. But at least he helps. I remind him frequently that 1. if I wanted to be a single parent and do everything myself, I'd be a single parent and do everything myself and 2. if he wants to get what he needs and wants (alone time with me) he's more likely to get that if I get waht I need and want (help around the house and help with the kids). Don't get me wrong, my husband hasn't always been a lot of help (and he still isn't always) but I've always insisted/expected him to participate, I don't criticize what he does (if the diaper is on the baby backward, no one is going to die from it), and I never redo anything he's done, no matter how half-assed (it didn't take him long to figure out that doing stuff poorly wasn't going to get him out of doing anything), and I praise him to high heaven for anything he does. I like to say (not to him) that the only difference between what he does around the house and what I do around the house is that I don't require a standing ovations. But, hey, whatever it takes to keep him coming back. LOL
I think you have to remember men do not think like us. When they come home they don't see the trashcan overflowing or the kids covered in ketchup, all they see is that they are home and can spend time with their family.
You will have to ask your husband for help for the rest of your lives. That's just the way it is. Have you tried designating certain chores? That way your husband knows it is always his job to take out the trash, everyday no matter what.
As for my husband, I do not ask much of him because I stay home and he works incredibly hard.(he is gone 2-3 weeks out of the month)If there is something I need him to do I write it down for him, and yes it still takes 2 days and a hundred reminders!
I just bask in the fact that I will always be better at something than he is!!!
I previously worked full time before my daughter was born and household chores were more divided among my husband and I. However, now that I work part time and am home more, I started taking on all the household chores/child care tasks. Noticing this change, I started asking my husband for help. I feel lucky that if I ask, he is more than willing to help. I found if I phrase helping as a choice - do you want to do the dishes or give Anya a bath? - he responds well and I feel it shows that we are both helping out. It would be great if he would see things that need to get done and do them - but, I'll take what I can get. If you have not done so already, talk to your husband. You do not want resentment to build up. Whenever, I start comparing what I do to what my husband does in terms of the house, I intentionally stop. It will never be completely fair and I am okay with that. But, you'll feel better if your husband starts doing little things - like take out the trash. Good Luck!
I think you've just highlighted one of the many reasons that we are called SUPER MOMS!!! Moms almost always take on more then the dads, it's just natural. However, I will say that you have to sit him down and talk to him about it! I talked with my husband about it and now he makes more of an effort to help with the dishes, trash, cleaning etc, when he is home. It worked, you should try it!
Although, I work at home full time and have two daughters (3 1/2 and 4 months) and 1 stepson that we see every other weekend so I feel like I can never get a break either!!
My suggestion is just to talk to him and point out all that you do and be VERY specific about what you need him to do (they don't do good with generalizations). Good luck!!
My husband does nothing!! I feel your pain. I am a stay at home mom though so that is the only reason I put up with it for now but as soon as I finish up nursing school things are going to change. I think men become this way because we allow them to. It is just pure lazyness. I just recently had a heart to heart talk with my husbnad about this (ongoing battle for 8 years) and told him he really needs to help out more. Just picking up after yourself helps me 100%! He knows he needs to help more but getting him to do it is another thing! He has made it a goal of his to be more active which in turn will benefit me because he will have more energy when he gets off work to help me a little. I wish you the best!!!
I feel bad that your husband doesn't help you. My husband does a lot he works full-time during the day I work full-time at night. So he does alot for me too so I can rest while the kids are in school. He does laundry, dishes helps with the kids and a lot of other stuff the only thing he refuses is to clean the toilet. Which is fine because he does the other stuff without me asking, most of the time. You should lay down the law with your husband and give him a list.
Hi Janelle, I have been married to my sole mate for 19 years and we have three wonderful boys together. When the children were small we took our parenthood equally serious. My husband changed diapers, fed them, read stories, took them for walks, played with them even thou, he was a full time worker. He knew having children was just as much his responsibility as mine. We divide equally. Now he cooks mostly, do the laundry, and cleans the bathrooms. We both work full time He never once has complained, or said he's the main income taker and needs his rest. When you're a team you can have your rest together after you finish all the chores. My suggestion to you is: have a serious talk with your husband, and make sure his has his mind straight about parenthood. You work full time, do household duties and takes care of the children, people pay Nannies for that, and that's not cheap. You do two full time work. He needs to start help out around the house, give him a specified chore list of what needs to be done and let him pick what he wants.(at least two) It probably will take some time before he does it. Let him take his time, and don't do it yourself. In time he will realize the chores has not been done by you, and he has to do it. Believe me, it works, I have done it with my boys who now helps around the house. This gives us parents a break as well. If you don't do anything about it, you will have to live with it. Good luck!
PS. One mom said Dads cannot replace Moms, WRONG!!
I have the opposite my husband helps with EVERYTHING except the breastfeeding, without being nagged. We knew what we wanted and this is how it works best for all of us. So, NO, not all men are the same(I waited until 35 to get married, 4 proposal, I knew the others were not all that) so I waited for the best, most awesome PARTNER for me.)
Here is what one man told us in a talk I once heard. He said for years he had been the sole bread winner for the household and so felt justified that he placed the burdens of everything else on his wife. Everytime she would argue about something, he would simply just say that he was the one working and supporting the family, which usually worked pretty well in stopping the argument. He said that one night he came home to find dinner on the table, the kids all tucked into bed, and the house spotless. He was to say the least very pleased. He sat down to enjoy his dinner and when his dinner was done......she delivered his bill! That is right, she had sat down and billed him for every service she provided. From cleaning the house, to paying the bills, to taking care of the kids, and lets not forget the wifely duties. That one was the most expensive charge as she said she was high class and did not come cheap! He said after seeing an itemized bill of how much each job that his wife performed would cost him, he realized he could not afford to pay her and so he should instead appreciate her, their marriage has been much better since. Good luck!
My husband is not one to just come home and want to clean, but when I really need something done he is more than will ing to help, he just wants a list. Something that has a beginning and an end. I am not allowed to keep adding to the list once I give it to him. This allows him to know what I need done and he can get it done in his time frame. This works really well for us, since I stay at home with our three year old I don't ask for a lot but when I do all I have to do is write it down ...good luck to you - A.
My husband and I both work and take care of a 6 yr. old. My husband still helps by takeing care of dinner, at least 3-4 times a week, vaccuuming, dusting and cleans the bathrooms. I think those things work best for him to do because they don't have to be done everyday. I do the daily stuff like getting my son ready for school/ lunches, laundry, cleaning the kitchen after he cooks.
Hope this helps give you some ideas to create more balance in your household!
Janelle, I think it must be all men. My Husband is Great. However it seems he won't do anything unless I ask. I have talked to him telling him I don't like to ask because I am afraid of sounding like a "nag". It would be so nice if he'd just do things but I am slowly realizing if I want it done I better just ask which fortunately he is happy to help. I think it makes him feel needed!!! Hang in there, hopefully you will get a good suggestion.
I recently went back to work full-time after staying home with my boys for 6 years. While I was home with my boys I worked part-time running my husbands business and part-time doing the bookkeeping for my Grandma's bookstore. My husband was pretty good when I stayed home and worked. He has always taken out the trash. Now, that I work full-time he is even better! I still cook, but he does dishes and washes & dries the clothes (I still do most of the folding, but he helps some.) He even cleans the bathroom some. My husband knows that his helping makes me happier, which in return makes him happier. I am blessed to have such a wonderful man! My best advice is tell him how you feel, but try not to accuse him with "you never". Good luck!
I totally understand how you feel. Both my husband and I work full time. He is also a volunteer fire fighter, which takes a lot of his time. We have a nine year old daughter and a six year old daughter. For the most part I do most of the house work, laundry, bills, homework and cooking. He helps pick up the dinner dishes and on the weekends he'll sweep and help pick up, but as you know there is so much more to do than that. I really think men don't realize what needs to be done (can't figure that out). I have a hard time asking for help because I hate to be a nag, but I have to come realize I can't get what I don't ask for. He obviously isn't going to just do it, so if I want help I need to ask. When I ask he will help without complaining. I sometimes take the laundry into the room where he is watching t.v. and set it there. He will then fold it, which is a great help; however if I don't take it to him he is not likely to go into the laundry room to help me. I sometimes also take my youngest and sit her his lap and hand him a book to read to her. I think he has come to realize that if he helps me I am in a much better mood and have more time to spend with him.
It is very angering to feel so taken advantage of (I know all too well), so I hope you will be able to ask him for help. It's just too much for one person to do alone.
Best of luck!
Janelle. You and I are about in the same boat. My husband never lifts a finger around here. I'm lucky if he gets up to get his own drink. Granted he is going to school working on his masters and working a full time job, but I have a full time job too and all the household responsabilities fall on my shoulders like you said right down to paying the bills, and making whatever arrangements he needs. It went on like this for a long time and one day I found a book called the proper care and feeding of husbands by Laura Schelinger (I probably butchered the last name) Anyhow, it changed my life and my way of thinking and now I never let it get me down. Alot of people look at me like I am crazy, but I love my husband and my family, and our life. Best of luck to you.
i guess im lucky but in our house, housework is for the people that live in the house. my 17 yr old takes out the trash and washes dishes every third day. my husband and i wash them on the other two days. on satudays we get up early and everyone takes a room and cleans it thoroughly. i have to take the bathroom cause no one else likes to clean it. my husband takes the living room and son takes the kitchen. we all do our own rooms, my husband and i clean our together. and that way everyone is careful about picking up after ourselves during the week, the less mess, the faster we get done and can go do fun stuff. i do all the laundry cause i dont like the way anyone does it and im very particular about clothes. i do a load or two every day. once a month we do the yard together. we are usually up at 6 or so and are done by 8 and hen we can either go to bed or go out and do other stuff. since my son is a westler and we are always at his meets, if we arent home, then we do our cleaning in the middle of the week. i dont know how i got them to do this, its just something that weve always done. i started my kids doing chores since they were 4 yrs old, they washed dishes or carried the trash and vaccumed. they always got an allowance so i guess that is a factor. i guess you just should make up a list of everything that needs to be done and then divide the chores and reward everyone when they get done by giving them a special meal or going to do something fun.
This sounds so similar to us! I think this is pretty much all men in general. Personally I think it's in their genetics though... they just don't "see" the mess. My husband will help out with stuff but I have to ask him to do every little thing. If you're struggling that much and it's a big issue I would just talk to him and assign some sort of chore duties that are always the same, that way he knows what you want. Don't let it go if it makes you mad because it can build up major resentment.
When I worked full time with my first son this was a big issue with us. We just split up the chores to what we thought was fair. Now that I'm a stay at home mom, I've really let him get away with a lot. :]
I see you're a daycare provider and I'm guessing that he's thinking... "she's home all day so she's got time to do everything". Maybe not all men think this way but my hubby definitely does and my 3 brothers too! Seriously though, I'm sure he is just clueless about the whole thing.. just talk to him about it. Good luck.
I have the same problem. I am a stay at home mom with a 5 month old who takes up most of my time. I try to keep the house clean but it is hard when my son like to be held and interacted with when he isn't sleeping. It is like pulling teeth without novicane to get my hubby to take the trash out or clean the bathroom and then when he does try to help he either goes overboard and only concentrates on one particular area or only does it half way so I have to do it myself anyway.
I think alot of husbands are lazy when it comes to housework, that is why a mom's job is never done. :)
Hi Janelle, I am so sorry you are so stressed out and running thin. What have you done to communicate and ask him to help? Unfortunatly, this also could be the way he was raised. I know this won't work for everyone but I would just point blank tell him he needs to help, you can't do it all anymore. Start with one simple job per week and gradually give him more until it seems balanced. Start ith the trash, and then maybe move to a bill or two. Maybe you can tell him that you are getting really streed out and you would like him by the end of the month to please take over 2 jobs. Let him choose that way he feels like he is still "wearing the pants". Not sure how eles to help, I am gratful and I have a hubby that helps. But, just as a child I give him fair waring that I need help and he needs to his part as a husband and dad to help this family function. Good luck and God Bless. D. T.
I just had this discussion with someone at work. My hubby is home Monday and Tuesday, I have Saturday and Sunday off. My huby needs reminding about things that need to be done. I've waited to see how long it will take him to pick something off the floor and he never does. He'll just let it sit. I have found making a list is most helpful
I also do child care in my home. I have never had to ask for any help. If something needs to be done whom ever gets to it first is the one who cleans it. It has never been like this is my chore this is yours. To us it is totally teamwork, because if I had to do all of the housework by myself, he knows that for one it is totally unfair and I would be very cranky.
janelle, everyone has given you great advice of making it shop. now i want you to think deeper about what not doing anything can lead to. the human body can only take so much stress. streess is natural and is part of life and the body can take it in small or short dosages. living in stress like yours every day WILL eventually affect your health for the worse. i am only telling you this because it may be something you have not given any thought to. most auto- immune diseases are associated and have been linked to stress, poor diet and lack of sleep. protect your health and teach your husband that you are not a work mule. don't ask, demand his help! tell him if he doesn't want to end up having to do everyhthing, including taking care of YOU, he needs to lighten your load. i feel very strongly about this as i see more and more men leaving the work to their wives so they can go out and have fun with their buddies or to come home and watch tv with a beer in his hand. i think women should not enable this behaviour from their partners. it could possibly come back and bite you later on when you least expect it. hope you have the courage to change things.
(i have been married almost 20 years and my husband is very hands on and enjoys doing things around the house because it's his too, and he takes pride in it)
hope this helps.
If you're both working full-time, then you should definitely both be doing the housework and taking care of the kids, evenly split. This seems awfully unfair in my mind. His standard of cleanliness is most likely not as high as yours, so it does make some sense that you would do more cleaning simply because you care more. But, he should definitely be helping out more, ESPECIALLY with the kids. Not only is it his duty, seeing as he brought them into the world, but they need him involved.
I'm a stay-at-home mom and I feel that since I've chosen to stay home, I should work while he's working. I try to be very productive and take care of the house, dinner, etc., and the kids while he's gone. But once he's home, he helps out with the kids, because taking care of the kids doesn't end for either of us just because the work day is over. And he realizes that much of my day is spent interacting and playing with the children, not to mention all the time that baths, meals, diapers, and nursing takes. So I can work hard and efficiently and have a productive day and still not get everything done that needs done. So he'll help finish the laundry or dump the trash or clean up after dinner, usuallon his own. I accept and appreciate his efforts and willingness and don't redo it after him. He prefers when he helps on his own accord, versus me being bossy and controlling of course. But if I need help with something I let him know, hoping but not expecting. But he knew going into the marriage and parenthood that we're both in this together and work as a team.
Anyways, I definitely think your husband should be pitching in more since you work full-time, and even if you didn't work for pay he should still help with the kids. Having said that, you can't change someone by nagging. Try to focus on what he does contribute to the family and why he's a good man (assuming that he is).
My husband and I both work full time, and we had originally split up the chores in a way that we thought was fair. He does all the outside chores - mows the lawn, shovels the sidewalk, takes out the trash, etc, while I do most of the inside chores (dishes, laundry, etc). We take turns watching our toddler - if either of us needs a break, we just ask for it.
In my opinion, if you're both working fulltime it is ONLY FAIR that ALL household and child responsibilities should be 50/50. PERIOD. Why does he think he should get special privileges? If his reason is that he doesn't know how or something, it's his responsibility to learn in order to be a good and fair partner to you and involved dad to his kids.
Do you want your children growing up thinking that women should have the majority of work ON TOP of working fulltime?? I would not want my kids to learn this and I would want my daughters to expect their partners to be fair and share responsibility.
I would ask your husband if he really thinks it can possibly be fair the way it's divided up right now....
I would also ask him if the tables were turned and HE had to do all you do, would he not begin to resent you and would it not take it's toll on how he feels about you?
And I agree with previous responses that this will end up taking a toll on your relationship. I'll cross my fingers for you that you can say the right words to him that will get through to him and help him see where you are coming from...Good luck!
Okay, if it makes you feel better, my husband doesn't do anything around the house either. Not only that, but I feel like his goffer. I work from home and go in to the office 2 days a week. I have 3 kids under the age of 4. My husband does work lots of hours. I have begged him to make the garbage his job, but I always have to nag him to get him to take it out. The one thing my husband does is the bills. I was sick and tired of him asking me where all the money is going, so I threw up my hands and said it's your job now. Funny thing, now he sees that he is the spender and not me - Ha Ha!
My husband is by no means lazy though. If he were, that would be a different story. He just works like crazy. I know that this is the way it is. This is my role in the family and I accept it graciously. I know as my kids get older, I will assign many of the chores to them.
Don't feel bad, my husband expects our 12 year old to pick up where he is suppose to, like taking out the trash. I am a mother of 3 also, 3 yr old, 8 yr old, and 12 year old. Am currently going taking college classes and am in the FACE program with my child. I think its just men in general, just pray they will see how much work we do for them...N.
It is your husband. Please set your standards and sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. You are going to have a melt down soon. If he loves and respect you, he will understand that your request is valid. Once you have a talk, stick to your rules. Husbands try to find ways out of things. I work full time as well as my husband and we have a 13 month year old son. He actually works more hours than me. Marriage and children are about give and take. I don't like to iron. He doesn't like to clean bathrooms. So he irons his shirts, baths the baby, takes out the trash, helps load the dishwasher and does other duties and I cook and keep track of the bills and clean the bathroom among other duties. It can work. Your husband probably isn't aware of the pressure that he is putting on you, and if he is aware, shame on him. I hope you are able to help him see your perspective.
I can so understand how you feel. I am also a home daycare provider and I think part of it is that even though I am working, and boy do we work, my husband thinks that since I am at home I should have time to clean and get everything else done. I have the same lack of help when it comes to anything that involves work. I will say that he does "all" the yard work, not including the weed pulling or poop picking up. I am not sure why I have let him get away with it but I am sure that is part of it. I have decided that it is time for my 6 and 4 yr old sons to start helping more though so to set a good example I am trying to get my husband to do more also.
Good luck and if you get any good ideas as to how to get them to do more I would love to hear it!
I dont work full time but my husband does the trash duties and yard duties (including picking up after the dogs, also washes the cars. IMO if you both work full time then all the chores should be split 50/50. I think once we become mothers we tend to take on the care giver role not only for our children but also for our husbands and then we get worn out way too soon. I take on more then I should then have to remind my self that I am not the only one capable, so then I tell him. Good luck and hope you get him to help out more :)
First of all if you both work then the household duties should be preformed by both and that means your husband should help. He evidently feels that you have no value nor does what you do to keep the house and everything up. I really liked the idea of a bill he should know what it would cost him if he had to pay for your 24/7 services and lets face it that is exactly what it is. He at least gets a day off from work. That said a lot of men seldom listen; so my aunt went on strike once. Her husband and two boys really got the message and it only took a week. She literally quit doing anything for them. LOL it is still a funny story but it worked. Both boys are great cooks and they help with their homes.
Now that said my husband works for Newmont, Phoniex project and has 16 hr days. I dont expect anything from him on his work days. On his days off he helps with dishes, he cooks (which he really likes) he runs the vacume and cleans the counters, helps with laundry. He also takes care of the yard. I have been told that "its womans work"; my response to that "so is cooking, you want to eat you help with the dishes" I think you get my point. Above all don't let him take that male shovanist, me Tarzan you Jane attitude. It isnt good for either of you and teaches your children that wives have no value. Maybe you should take a trip somewhere and leave him with it all (including the children) for a few weeks. He could just learn a valuable lesson.
My husband when we were both working, would cook dinner once in awhile, do an occasional load of laundry, and do improvements around the house on his days off.
Now that we are retired, (but still have two kids in high school) he gets up with them at 6:30 and makes sure they get on the bus that comes at 6:45. (He does not make them do any chores.) When I ask them to do something, he steps in and does it for them.
After he gets them out to school, he then fixes a cup of tea, goes out and feeds my daughters horse (which she just had to have saying she would do "all" its care.)Then he runs a bath and reads his newspapers, and does the soduku math puzzle. He sometimes does a load of dishes, either putting them away, or putting them in the dishwasher.
He makes sure the dogs go out, and if the mess he cleans it up. (You ask why don't I do the animal chores?) Because I did not want to add a horse to the family, and I would prefer that the dogs stay out all day, except on winter days...they should go in the basement instead of in the house because they do mess at times.
I don't get up with the kids, because I did that when all three of my kids had to be driven to school, and picked up, for about 10 years, and I had a job too. Now that he is retired, he doesn't mind doing it, and I sleep in until 10 a.m. almost everday. (I don't go to bed until 1 or 2 a.m.)
He still does an occasional load of laundry, still cooks on a weekly basis, and takes out trash everyday. However, he won't put his bath towels, dirty clothes in the laundry basket, throw things away that need to be in the garbage, And if he happens to pull the sheets and blankets so that they are in a pile in the middle of the bed, he will go to sleep like that.
He is a wonderful husband. I can not complain, because I am far from perfect, but he loves me just the same.
Mine can be helpful but usually it takes me flying off the handle with being overwhelmed from trying to get everything done. He would rather hire someone for me (if he gets a good raise this time around) then to help I think. My dad is the only one that I know who does everything for my mom instead of vice versa. I also work outside the home and have three daughters 16, 13, and 3. The only thing I don't do is the bills and that was a decision we made before we married. What bothers me the most though, is that he was so neat and tidy and over the years he has gotten lazy. So, don't feel bad, it's not just your husband. :)
I reccomend asking for a little help. Do it nicely but honestly and say you need your own time. I know my husband helps out after I told him I felt like a servant. Every now & then he needs reminded but he for the most part helps (in his own doesnt do things the way i do it but at least i dont have to do it:)
My guy cooks, cleans and helps with the kids. He is not the Biological Father of either of my children, maybe that helps.
They take for granted that we will do it all. Project self respect!!! Counseling with a Family Therapist might help.
I had/have the same problem with my husband and when I sat him down and talked to him about it he was oblivious to the fact that I was overwhelmed. So his suggestion to me was to make a list of things that I need him to do and he will do them. I told him that made me feel like his mom and he said that is the only thing that can help him. So I have written a weekly list of his "chores" that he can look at and do one at a time. It has really helped us. Sometimes you just have to remember that husbands are just big children! :) Good luck!
I am a sahm and my husband works full time. it is easy to say that I should do the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, because I home all day. But I don't see it that way. I see it, I am at home with the children, getting ran in circles, playing, teaching, Doing EVERYTHING for the kids, It is hard to clean up the rest of the house too. When the kids take a nap, I am like I don't want to clean the whole house on my break, just like if it was his lunch break he wouldn't want to clean the whole house.
About an hour he gets off of work we clean as a family. He normally takes care of the Kitchen while I do the living room. He actually sometimes tells me to relax and watch a little tv while he does it.
It starts off nice because he helps clean the house and what not. But I do all the cooking and I do all the taking care of the children. Ever ONCE in a while he decides to take care of them for me, Like take them outside on the swings or going to his mother house with them, to give me a break. But if I am going somewhere, they have to go with me. He says all they do is cry when I leave. So I take them with.
I think when the kids get bigger and more independant that he will start to help out a little more. But dads don't know how to be moms. Sounds weird, but dads cant make that owie feel better like mommy, or give the right hugs when they need them. Dads just can't be like us MOMS!
I hate to say it, but this only your husband. My husband is an 8th grade teacher, coaches basketball for his students, and soccer for our 9 and 7 year olds. He always takes the trash out without me asking, packs the kids lunch every morning and puts in a load of laundry. He also makes sure the coffee is brewed before I wake up. Up until October 2007 I worked from home as a small business owner, but we have been married 10 years, and for the last eight he has been way.
TRY making him aware that it's attractive to have him help around the house, and reserves your energy!! ;) People always ask why my husband helps so much? His response, "the more I help, the more I am 'handsomely' rewarded!" .....Dr. Laura has a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, excellent book.
Not all men need to be told to do everything, just some things.
However, the best thing you could do is take a vacation and leave the kids with your husband. I stayed home with our son for the first 4 months. Now we both work part-time splitting stay at home parenting time. Having my husband take care of our son on his own for half the week is the best thing that could have happened. He thought he would get so much work done while caring for our son. Now, he tells people how much work it is to raise a kid and how he never gets his work done because he is busy with our 9 month old. He has great appreciation for what I do and helps cook, clean and take care of our son. Maybe your husband should take over the house for a few days while you take a break and he can see what all you do. When you return sit down with him and ask him for help, but be specific.
My husband expects that because I stay at home, all the household maintenance and weekly childcare is my domain. But he helps a ton with the childcare on the weekends, which I really appreciate. But when you're both working full time, the playing field has got to be even!! The best advice I ever heard was to divide up the tasks, and not to wait before resentment builds. Have a straightforward talk about it and divide things up according to who has what talents. Is he a sloppy cleaner, but good at vacuuming? Good at baths and dressing the children? Then, the trick is to let him do his thing without criticizing. This is so hard! But if he dresses the kids in stripes and poka-dots, let it go. And if he doesn't do his chores, don't "just do it for him because it's easier." Maybe setting goals for both you, say--after we get our chores done, we'll go for a nice walk--is a good strategy to motivate. It's been my experience, that unless you clear the air on things like this, the frustration comes out in other ways. Of course, if this were an easy thing to achieve, we'd all have laundry folding, toilet scrubbing husbands wouldn't we?
Since you both work, he should help but you don't want to be a nagging wife. It might be helpful to create a list of things he can do. If you create the list together and let him do the things in his time and in his way (men don't work the way women do) that may help. I usually let me husband know what I need done and say "could you do his for me in the next two days". He usually will do it at the last minute but he does do it.
I also watch a little girl in our home and work outside the home. I am at home for four days and work outside the home for three. My husband is awesome! He is very involved with the children. Over the years we have worked out a system. For example if I cook, I clean up the dishes while he gives the kids a bath. He will put the older two to bed, while I nurse the baby and get her to bed. During the week he will let me sleep, and he gets the kids breakfast and tries to get them ready for class. On weekends when I am working I do the same for him. For us we work as a team in every aspect. I am just so grateful that he is so invested in our children lifes and wants to spend quality time with them. Hope this is helpful.
If you're the only one working at keeping the house running, then you are the only one that deserves the fruits of your labor. His mom and dad must not have modeled a very strong example of a 50/50 marriage?
My husband is very supportive and helpful in, out and around our house - along with our four young kids - who also help. We all see ourselves as a team - and it's only as strong as the weakest link. We know that things get done faster and easier when we all work together. It also shows our kids that there are no sterotypical gender-roles when it comes to housework, yardwork, or any other "work" that comes from having a household and family.
If all he's doing is acting like a roommate in your house, than that's the treatment he should get - don't lift one more finger for him :)
I have to say I'm spoiled- I put MANY hours a week into my full time job, plus hours into starting my own business. He does 90% of the cooking, 1/2 the laundry, most of the dishes and always takes out the trash. He wants me to succeed and supports me 120%! I'm so grateful!!
Wow!! Well, most men are similar! I think my man could help out more with the kids when he has his days off, and most of the time it's just doing things without being asked that gets me! My husband does take out the trash, he pays all the bills, and occasionally he will help mop the floors or do the dishes. I definintely think if you are the one that works, pays bills, takes care of the kids, etc, etc, your hubby should pitch in to help out with something! I always tell my hubby that the house and kids are his to, and he should have some responsibility in it just as much as me, especially on his days off, cause us moms don't EVER have a day off. I wish you luck...just sit down and talk with him, maybe you can ask him to just take out the trash and work together on paying the bills so it's not all you. Also, if you are ever interested in working from home, you can check out my website: www.themomteam.com/amaus You will probably have much more free time than you do working a daycare business!!! I LOVE what i do, and I don't have to leave my house, or dress up!
Have you tried sharing with him how you feel? Always try and get him to listen, i heard someone say one time if you say to your partner i would like rather that you should it helps. I have tried that with my husband and it helped. Communication is a biggie in such cases. I pray that your husband see what an awesome wife you are and caretaker of those precious children and that he would have compassion for you and help you out in whatever way you need it. Praying for you!GBY
My husband works full time. He works afternoon/grave shifts. I work p/t in the afternoon. So I am most of the morning. He thinks I should be doing all the housework since I am homemore. He is also here in the morning but is sleeping. My son is always getting sick at daycare and he wants me to keep working there, because he says the 150 helps> I get paid bi-weekly. I will ask him to do favors and he wont do them, and when he wants me to get him something it is jump righ to it. Sometimes I tell him to get it himself. I also take care of my 3yrold son. He does try to spend time with him in the time that he gets.
I am right there with you. My husband has to be the laziest when he is home, he'll work his butt off at work, but when it's time to pitch in and help raise our 4 daughters he is in his studio (hobby room). My husband mite wash a wall or two every blue moon but it's after I've been yelling to help out for a few days. His days off goes like this, He awakes in the morning, studio, he takes a nap, studio, he eats dinner with his family, studio. Bed and the next day all over again. How much does a woman have to take just to be happy and look out for the emotional state of the children?? Can't talk to him either because he'll use every excuse to make sure it comes out MY fault!
We were married and both working outside of the home before our daughter came along. At that time, we shared ALL the house work, home improvement jobs, bills, car care, etc. I'm not afraid to use a power saw and he shouldn't be afraid to unload the dishwasher, as far as I'm concerned. Now, I am staying at home full time with our daughter. Along with caring for her,I take care of groceries, cooking, house cleaning and laundry. He does the money making, bills and home improvement projects. Good luck!! You have every right to ask for more assistance.
I dont mean to boast but my husband is wonderful and helps out so much. I am a SAHM so I spend timw with my little girl all day so when he comes home from work he likes the evenings to be his time with her. It is great and it helps me to get more things done...like dinner. He also does all the dinner dishes so that helps out greatly. What even better is on Wednesday evenings I go to class so he watchesd her... when I come home he has usually done laundry, vacuumed, or dishes with out me even asking. He tried to help out in any way he can.
We have also read and attended workshops on the book "The 5 Love Languages" it is a great book on making sure your partner feels loved and explains how to do so. I recommend reading it.
My suggestion would be that you sit down and talk with him about it. Sometime after the kids are in bed so you have his full attention. Tell him that you appreciate the things that he does do and list some of them (you may have to think hard, but I'm sure there are things that your husband does do for you and the kids, even if it's just that he plays well with the kids, or whatever it may be). Then go on to tell him how you feel about being overburdened. It's possible that he has no idea how you feel. Try to start sentences with "I feel like..." instead of "you always" or "you never". I know that things tend to go better with my husband, if we sit down and talk and I really tell him how I feel, but not in an accusing way. Hope this helps. Good luck!
Sorry Ladies. I am married to the perfect housewife. He will do anything that needs to be done. Since I stay home with our kids I try to get stuff done but if I don't he will do anything he can to help as soon as he walks in the door. :)
My husband helps tremendously and I'm a stay at home mom. However, I hear more women complain that their husbands are more like yours. If I were you, I'd go on strike. Don't do his laundry or run his business. That should be enough to shock him! Good luck!
Wow it seems like a lot of women get help from their husbands. I would say that I am in the same boat as you are. I work full time and so does my husband, but he works out of town during the week and is home Fri and Sat only then leaves again on Sunday afternoon. He has never really helped out (even before he started working out of town) but I have never really asked him to either. Anytime I do ask him to do something he is more than happy to help out but I do know that you shouldn't have to ask all the time. Sometimes when I am tierd of doing the dishes I just leave them (I know I know I can't stand it) but he will get tierd of looking at them and then do the dishes. Don't worry you are not the only one but I suggest asking him to help out a little. Ask him to take the trash out or vacuum the house just something small to get him started then you can gradually ask him to do more and more. He will notice a change in your attitude because you will be less stressed and more likely to help him and spend time with him.
Up until recently I was a stay at home Mom with one child. I did volunteer at my child's school but that was the only time commitment I had outside the house. Even in that situation my husband helped around the house. He took out the trash, paid the bills, ran errands on his way home, and generally picked up the slack on things I didn't get done.
About two years ago I decided to go back to school and for the most part I still did most of the house work. Although the times I needed him to do something I didn't get to or stop on his way home became more frequent. Then last semester I picked up a schedule of classes that was much more challenging than I expected. I was spending almost every moment in class, driving to school, or doing school work. Do you know what my husband did? He did everything. He did dishes, made dinners, washed clothes, took care of our 11 year old, and let me study.
He did it because we are a team and our house and our family, and our life is our responsibility not just mine. I took responsibility for most of the work around the house when it was my only responsibility. When I couldn't do that anymore we adjusted accordingly.
It may be time to ask how did this all become my responsibility and why do I let it continue.
I think you need to talk to your husband. He has to help somehow. I'm a SAHM and have two boys (3&5) and I feel like I work more than my husband does, without the pay of course. He helps by cleaning the table after dinner, and ..... and .... I can't think of anything else. It's frustating and it feels like he doesn't appreciate everything I do ... well, that's another story.
In your case, you both work full time, you both make money, you BOTH share work and responsabilities around house and kids. Men are like that, they think the day is over when they get home from work ... (not all of them, I'm sure) But I think if you talk to him he has to be able to see it, it's pretty simple. Just try to make a list of the things you do before and after work, and make a list of what your husband does before and after he gets home from work. Show him the lists and tell him you need some help.
Wow, I could have written this letter almost word for word.
I am a home daycare provider too and my husband seems to think that I have all the time in the world to do the house work because I am home all day. He is gone for extended periods of time and I a left to do everything while he is gone...which is actually easier because I do not get frustrated waiting for him to do it.
I am not sure if you are looking for comiseration or advice, but I finally got fed up with him because he expected me be his mother and his lover and I cannot do both. He is in the military and he works very hard, but so do I.
So I made a weekly calendar with everything that I do on it and then made another one with everything that he did (including both our work schedules) and left it out for him to find. It finally got his attention and we were able to talk about it. He thought I liked doing all cleaning and I made it look so easy that he never thought about my needing help. I very throughly cleared him of that mistaken belief and life as been better since. It is not over and I still have to remind him more than I like, but he is atleast aware of what all I do now.
I think a lot of them start out that way, but you have to tell them what you need done. My husband is a FT dad, remodeling the house, cooks all the meals, does all the shopping, takes out the trash & does help w/ cleaning too. I work FT, pay bills, put the kids to bed, & get up in the middle of the night when they are sick, etc. I think it's a pretty even split & that's how it should be. Good luck!!
P.S. I DO NOT recommend "the list". For whatever reason, men get total resentment over "the list".
we decided to treat household work (housework AND yardwork AND car self-maintenance) kind of like another job. We assigned monitary value to each chore: whoever does a chore gets the money. In our home, we split the chores fairly evenly (my husband does the most of the outdoor work: yardwork and car maintenance, I do much of the indoor work: dishes & laundry; but that's just our system) If someone isn't doing their chores, the other person can do them and make the money. Both housework and yardwork ARE work--some people make their living doing one or the other--so why not pay whoever in your home is doing the work?
One extra note: we decided not to include things like taking care of our children or our pets--so bathing & feeding the kids/pets--that wasn't on the list. We felt it would be wrong to treat being a parent as a chore and could lead to negative feeling toward our child; again, that's just our perspective.
Finally, I would recommend deciding what you want most--what is it that is most bothering you and you need to be specific. Is it that you feel like a servant? Is that you feel overwhelmed? Is that you resent your husband relaxing afterwork when you don't get to? Is it that you want some free time to yourself? Figure out what it is that is most bothering you--as specifically as possible and tell your husband (nicely) and ask for his help in fixing the situation.
If you just give him a list of everything you do and how he doesn't help, he will feel defensive and probably respond with everything he does and how overwhelmed he is etc.
If you present him with a specific solvable problem he'll be more recpetive (guys love to fix problems). For example:
"I spend all day with kids and I love them, but it's driving me nuts--I need some time to myself everyday"
or "I'm having trouble keeping up on all the housework--the kids keep me pretty busy during the day and they really wear me out, too--is there anyway you could take over chores x & y?" (make sure you are okay with him doing x & y without your interference or supervising.)
I am also a home daycare provider. My husband who works 50+ hours a week is a great help around the house. He takes care of the trash and does the dishes each morning. He also does most of the bill paying, since he can do it all online from work. I do everything else around the house. I am very thankfull for what he does, to most it may sound like not much but to me it is a great help. Oh- yeah and my husband does everything when it comes to the yard.
I am blessed to have a husband who is a team member and does MOST of the cleaning/laundry/cooking. I do my share of things like making / taking the kids to their appointments, paying the bills, and other things around the house. Pretty soon (if you're not already), you may start to resent him and I'm sure he won't want that. It wasn't always like this in my house, but a while back I had a heart to heart with him and he listened and made some changes. We try to give each other some free time away from the house/kids once a week to do whatever we want- this helps to keep us feeling refreshed. I really appreciate all that he does and I make sure and tell him on a regular basis. This little informal system has worked well for us.
Yes, he definitely needs to help out around the house. My husband and I have a responsibilities list we keep on the fridge. This accomplishes several things:
- Gives us a checklist for what we need to take care of each week.
- Reminds us that the other person is pitching in so we appreciate each other (Sometimes it's easy to forget what someone does when you don't see them do it and it's magically done all the time)
We split up the duties by what we like to do. He hates dusting and cleaning the kitchen and I hate dishes, trash, and bathrooms. I happen to like what he doesn't and vice versa, so it works out.
We also spend time cleaning together. We put some fun music on and work together as a team. We also like cooking together. I will make most of the food on the stove, and he will grill the meat.
So just work together on coming up with a plan. Rather than approaching him with "You never do this, you never do that... you don't appreciate me... blah, blah, blah", just tell him that you need help and want to work out something that you both agree to that is fair.
I think it is just men in general, my husband totally tunes me out when I ask him to do things. It is as if he is on the other side of a sound proof piece of glass and cannot see me. He tells me when I nag he cannot hear me... I usually wind up doing about 98% of things around the house including taking out the garbage and everything for our two boys. When we moved from CA to AZ last fall, I decided to stay home with our kids while he goes to work. When we were in CA I worked full time and commuted to and from work, when I asked him to occasionally drop our toddler off at daycare which is run by my mother in law, he always made a big deal about it. i love m husband to death, but sometimes I feel like I want to beat him to death lol... Even though I stay home now, I watch other people's children also so I work just as hard as he does with everyday things piled on top of that. Women have babies for a reason, I do not think men can do anything for anyone that does not involve themselves. They are self absorbed and prefer to be taken care of. I would love help out sometimes, but I usually have to offer some sort of bribe for that... But love overcomes all I guess... I do know there are men that are great and help out, but it seems few and far between.