Advice of 3 Yo Fears

This might seem kind of wacky, but we use Fairy Dust. This is a magical substance that I keep in my pocket and sprinkle on top of her head whenever she needs it (and only mommies and daddies can see it!). That way she has magical protection from all kinds of things, such as the dark, or scary ideas.

My mother told me this trick used to work for me, and it works great for my daughter as well. I hope this helps!

Hello Nicole,

My now 9 year old daughter went through this very thing at the exact same age. Unfortunately there was nothing that we did that would calm her fears and she just eventually grew out of it. Needless to say we just had to suffer through to make sure she felt secure and safe.
Personally I think we babied her as she was our first and when it came time for us wanting her to have some independance because we then had twins. She wasnt having any parts of it. Just remember- nothing last forever!

The first thing that comes to mind is what she's been seeing - either on TV or in books or somewhere else. Be very mindful of what you watch on TV - even if you don't think they notice, they do. Same with magazines or other materials you have lying around the house. If she sees some kind of image that's foreign to her, she may interpret it as scary even though you see it as normal. Remember, she doesn't have a context for what she views.
Short of that, maybe it's about your husband being gone a lot. Does he reassure her that he'll be back and do things to make her feel secure?
Other than that, I'd say ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist. It's better to address these issues early.

hi nicole-
i remember my son going through a lot of fear at age 2-3 (he is now almost 4) and sometimes,it seems as though kids go through phases where they become stuck in various emotions that are completely human--it is just that, as adults, we have learned to mute out most of our undesirable emotions such as fear, anger etc. so what happens when we feel fear as human beings? the other side of fear is courage. without fear there could be no courage because true courage is to feel fear and to push through it anyway and commit to a desired outcome and take action. try to find small, reasonable ways in which your daughter can push through a few of her fears and act positively. for example, if there is something important to her that is in the other room and she has some fear around getting it ... let her experience not having that thing for awhile. then offer to support her by standing near the door but not in the other room exactly. let her take the small steps she can to begin to empower herself and overcome her fear. but this may take a bit of time.. that's ok. overcoming fear is a lifelong process we all have to confront our whole lives.
it is hard to watch a little one going through an emotion so intensely though...
-best wishes,
-L.

Hi Nicole,

I don't know if I can help you understand, but my son has similar fears, except more to noise than visual things. He used to cover up his ears and cry for no particular reason when he was a little over one. It took us a while to realize that he was afraid of the ticking of the clock, though it was barely audible to us. The toilet flushing in public bathrooms scare him. He would makes me wait until he was out of the stall with his ears covered before I flushed. Automatic flushing ones really scared him. He was afraid to be at parties where there were balloons in anticipation of one of them popping. He would not go to movie theaters without a great deal of coaxing. He is 4 now and still has similar fears, but they have become less frightening to him. I think it's a combination of hypersensitivity to noise (to visual stimulation in your case) plus a very vivid imagination that brings on these fears. Perhaps with time, your daughter's fears would diminish some as well.

First of all, never ask a young child "why". No matter how intelligent they don't know until much older.You need to learn about successive behaviors that are used to treat phobias. I have a feeling that your husband is right, that you are unwittingly contributing to her behavior. You definitely need to give it less attention than how you're focusing now. I highly recommend a psychotherapist that deals with children's issues, for you, not your daughter to learn how to cope better. Good luck.

My son went through the same thing at about the same age. It did last for about a year, but was only really bad for a couple of months. All I could really think of to do was, at 1st, walk him to the room he needed to go in. Then I gave him a flashlight and told him scary things are afraid of the light. I continued to walk with him to the rooms for a couple more weeks, along with the flashlight. After that I would only walk most of the way, but stay close by. Then half way, and so on. Like I said, it went on for a bout a year, but now that he's turning 8 we no longer have these problems.

I would take her to see a doctor to see if they can help you out with this fear/anxiety. Is she attached to a bear or some other stuffed animal, blanket, lovey? Maybe getting her some thing that she can become comfortable with taking with her will help ease the fears. It will be slow process. And I am not sure what to do in this situation but to reassure that you are there for her and that she is safe with you and just keep telling her that.
Good luck!!

I think your first step should be to completely eliminate any television or books that contain scary images or villians of any sort. Even things that you as an adult may think are "no big deal" may very well be enticing her to having these fears.

Secondly, hold her close, or hold her hand, and go with her to point out exactly what it is in the pictures that she finds frightening. Then reassure her gently and calmly without any judgment, that these are things that cannot harm her.

If none of this works, I'd recommend taking her to see a child psychologist to address her anxiety.

Since this has been going on for two years, perhaps you should consult a child psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in very young children to evaluate her and perhaps do dyadic therapy (therapy with you and her together) to help her overcome this. It may begin to interfere with normal development in other areas at some point.

A little about me:

A child psychiatrist with two children 11 and 17, living with my husband of almost 20 years.

My son is 6, and experienced this a lot more when he was younger, and sometimes, he still doesn't want to go downstairs or in another room alone, or apart from the family. My 2 older children weren't like that. So, with him, we would walk to the top of the stairs and wait there for him, while he could still see us while he got what he wanted downstairs. Or, he would call "Momma?" to check if I was still there when he went to his room for something and I was in the kitchen. I began to make a counting game of it and distanced myself or remained seated while he went - "I'll count to see how long it takes you to come back, or how fast you can get it." "On your mark, get set, go! 1... 2... 3... 4..."

Eventually, he became more independent, but still calls for me or his dad when he's in another room - "where are you? watcha doin'", and then he'll continue to play. The interesting thing is he never did it when he was outside. He could play outside on the deck or in the yard without a concern in the world, but in the house - he was always concerned with being alone.

Keep steady, try not to play into the fear too much, and ask your pediatrician if this phase is normal and if s/he has any advice.

Pray with your daughter about her fears, if you are a believer. I have a book about a cow who was afraid to go out of the barn to check on a noise at night. The cow woke up another animal, who woke up another animal, and it was a domino effect until all the animals in the barn were awake and afraid of a very inflated noise situation (like the telephone game). The moral of the story is that God is with us even when we are alone. I cannot remember the name of the book. If you are interested, you can email me at home and I will locate the book and provide you with the title if you want to purchase it online somewhere. My email is ____@____.com

You'll be fine.

Why is she afraid of the mirros or pictures? Did you ever say to her? "What are you afraid of? This picture, what's in the mirror?" If you ask her specifically are you afraid of such and such then she is going to find a reason to be afraid of what it is you are suggesting to her. Why? Because you put the thought there and if you mentioned it then there must be something scary about it if you mentioned it.

So, in that, I think your husband is right that you are inadvertantly adding to her fears.

You say she's jumpy and anxious has she ever had a bad experience with someone watching her? Or could she have had one alone? I remember my daughter went to turn out the light (she was three) and a little moth flew in her face. Freaked her out, and it's only recently (she'll be five in two months) that she's stopped being afraid of flying things, especially flying bugs. I would tell her that, oh, those bugs are just annoying, or here are pictures of butterflies look at how pretty their wings are, or wow, look at those birds fly way up high. I'd do this as it came up, I didn't bombard her with it, and if a moth flew near her I'd simply catch it if I could, and if I couldn't catch it I'd tell her that it ran away.

Could it be too quiet? Are there too many sudden noises? You say she's jumpy and anxious, are you ever that way? She could be parrotting you.

Since it has been two years I would talk to a child psychologist about this and see what you can do. She could have a phobia of some sort (phobias are unfounded fears), or maybe the pyschologist would be able to give you some strategies on how to redirect your daughter to focus on positive things.

read some books and information about indigo children

some kids have very attuned wiring into their systems. its possible that at sometimes she actually can see more than you and your husband. i'm not saying this is the case here but just be aware we live in more than just the physical dimension. an adept psychic might offer assistance. the berkeley psychic institute my offer insight or a similar type of school

Hi Nicole -

Take her fears seriously -- by that I don't mean that there is something in her room that is actually going to harm her, but that to take the fact that she is frightened seriously. If you don't believe her, or discount her fears, she will begin to not trust you, or worse, herself.

Many kids thrive on ritual. What I would recommend is to create a ritual with her that helps her dispel her fears. Something like "I go into my room, and I turn on the light. I look around and see all the familiar, happy faces of my animals and my dolls. I see the cheery posters on my wall. I see the blanket my gramma made me -- my blanket protects me because my gramma made it with love...' Something along those lines.

I would also continue to ask her what scares her in her room. Maybe go in with her and ask her to point to the places or things she is frightened of -- the closet door open (put a light in it)? Under the bed (stuff it with boxes so that there is no room for monsters)? Etc...

Also, you say your husband travels weekly. This may be part of it -- do you ever get a bit 'jumpy' when he's away? Anxious? It's possible that your daughter is 'picking up' on the stress of having daddy away so much.

The bottom line is, keep telling her that you believe that she is scared, but that you don't understand why, and need her help in understanding so that you can help HER. Eventually, she'll be able to tell you -- and you can go from there.

Good luck!

J.

Sounds like you have a child with a very strong imagination. I think that children's fears need to be respectfully redirected and this is what I would do with my child. I'd just go with her to the rooms and do what you can to make her feel safe and comfortable. If there's a picture that she sees things in, put it away for awhile. When you walk into the room, take your time, hold her hand and assure her that you're both safe and okay and that this is her house. You can eventually fade out the hand-holding and eventually, too, she'll go into the room on her own. Try to get a new mantra going in her head...I'm safe in my own home. No ghosts are allowed in here! Whatever it is...try to repeat it in a cheerful and upbeat way, like sing-song. She'll go on her own eventually. At this point, you can't argue with her. This fear is "in her body," so to speak. So, you have to help her through your physical actions/physically demonstrating (not your words) to get it out. I don't think it's placating her to remove the pictures. In another year, when she' gotten over the room stuff, you can pull out one of the pictures on a nice sunny day and look at it together and talk about it, saying, "Remember that picture of the forest? I'll bet that's not so scarey anymore. Shall we look at it?"
Good luck, Nicole. I'm sure you're tired. But this will pay off in a lot of ways.