Advice for Sister and Her Dating Dilemma

I think she should let him go for many reasons, especially if she is sleeping with this man. She is wasteing good years of her life on someone who will never be a family with her, he uses the word love, but it's obvious he does not understand the meaning, She also has 3 children to set a stable, moral, and strong example for. if this were my daughter (I'm 53) this is the advice i would give her. J.

He's not a "boyfriend."
He's a once a month companion/sex partner/visitor.
He SAID he will NOT marry her.
So why stick around, if that is what she wants?
She is wasting her time.
That is the plain reality.
He is not available to her or her needs or as a person.
No basic "love" is there... just him and his needs. HIM is the priority... not her.
He does not "provide" for her even as a boyfriend.
He states his limitations... so he is blunt about it.
It won't change.
He is set in his ways.
She will always be "disappointed." And neglected.

I think, honestly, it is a waste of time.
A once a month, 'friend' is not a "boyfriend" nor marriage material.

Does he KNOW she is about to lose her home and be homeless with kids????? Even if he is a "boyfriend" that is not his responsibility by default nor by choice nor by empathy. Which he lacks.
He does NOT have to save her financially.... or her home.
She should be asking family for help... ultimately.
Not a money-bags boyfriend.

Gee, a gift cert to an ice-cream place... is realllllllyyyyyyy not cutting it. That is the extent of his 'feelings' and that ain't much.

all the best,
Susan

I wouldn't consider him a "boyfriend" and I would NEVER expect him to offer any money to her. A few observations about the caveman:

1. He sounds like an honest caveman. He has told her he never wants to get married. He most likely will not.

2. He sounds like a clueless caveman. She's about to lose her home and he gets her a gift card for an ice cream store?

3. He sounds like a selfish caveman. He knows she is single mom to 3. If he REALLY, REALLY loved and respected her, he would want to get married and take care of her AND the kids for the rest of their lives.

4. He sounds like a satisfied caveman. No strings and free sex.

She needs to kick this caveman to the curb and stand on her own two feet and support herself and her kids and keep them first in her life.

Wow, I read this last night but waited to respond. Your sister would be completely out of line to ask a man she has seen 12 times to help her out financially...no matter how much money the "caveman" has. She needs to be responsible for her own children (with the help from their father/s). He has made it perfectly clear that he is not going to marry her and she still hangs on? Obviously she should let him go and get her family in line.

She has no buisness asking him for money. The father/s of her children need to pony up. If she can't make ends meet, then she needs to get a good budget and a better job in place. I think it is WAY overstepping bounds of decency to ask a boyfriend of one year to help financially. I respect her sense of pride. I understand that she is your sister and you're just looking to help her, but this is not the way. It sounds like he doesn't care much for her, either, if she's losing her house and she gets a large denomination gift card to an ice cream shop. If he begged to help, I would still be hesitant. But that he hasn't offered a mother of three --- if I were rich and I had a friend in that situaton, I would help. He's in love with her, for goodness sakes. His love isn't worth too much.

I also think that a mother of three should not accept money from a man who has no intention of marrying her. Money like that comes with strings, and she'd be tying her self to someone who does not want to marry her. I think that she should run far and run fast and not waste her time on a man that is wasting her time.

EDIT: Frankly, I wonder if he already has a wife.

Seriously once a month and with no other reason than he's a caveman.

If you got an answer, other than she needs to stop seeing this guy, I would be shocked & would never be able to take any advice from the person who says she should hold on to this guy with the hopes that he will change his mind.

The one thing your sister did that was right, was not to ask this guy for money. So tell him he can no longer have his ice cream & eat it too, lol.

There is a book called The Hard Questions that discusses various questions you should ask yourself and your partner before you get married. I found it very useful. Although your sister is not in that situation, perhaps if she really looked at these questions (what do you both really want, etc...), she would come to her own conclusions. She certainly could see other people, since this person is not around much, and the fact that you mention his money over say, his interest in teaching one of her children to play softball or something, is fairly alarming. One ought not to get involved in a relationship where the power is so extraordinarily unbalanced. He's already possibly seeing other people (that's what it sounds like), and she needs to get much more power of her own, be it moving into a more affordable place or a better job, or familial support with her children to free her up to get better skills. Marriage to a person who has shown no real interest in supporting her family is not the answer. It's hard to meet a good partner, but you only really need one, so if it takes a few years, it's worth it. And she already has children, so presumably her biological clock isn't ticking, like some other people. She's way ahead on that score, in a lot of ways. I think the question here is how can she become a powerful person in her own right? Completely aside from a marriage? That problem would be there whether she was married or not. It would be wonderful if she could outgrow this man, as he is holding all of the power now and that will continue to get worse. Her children will suffer if she continues to look elsewhere for financial support, as she is already sounding like she's waiting around for someone else to make the decisions in her life. If not this man, the next one. Since money is power, I would suggest that her first move would be to consult a financial planner and a career guide, and build her life into one that mirrors the strengths this man already possesses. Like someone already said, 'it's only been twelve dates.'

Uh... She's only seen him 12 times?!

They truly are just "dating", in the most superficial meaning of the word. He's really not someone who's there for her physically, mentally, emotionally--and definitely not financially. When you love someone, you want to share the details of your life with that person... I'm not sure how he can say he loves her but not really share more than 12 daysvout of a year with her.

Time for her to move on.

My mom dated a guy who told her on their first date he NEVER wants to get married. She thought she would change his mind. They "dated" for 6 years she also only saw him once twice a month at the most. He broke up with her because she kept pressuring him. She was shocked!! How, I don't know. If your sis wants to marry then get a new guy. If she wants a once a month relationship, stay. Expecting him to give her a better gift becasue he has money is a mistake. Most guys with money who are not married or interested in a committed relationship are not gonna pony up a grande gift he is keeping it for himself and his OTHER daliences. Sorry I know you love your sis but this man is telling her like it is. She needs to decide what she wants to do.

He is not going to marry her. Something sounds weird here anyway. A whole year and they see each other once a month? Hours away? Is he already committed to someone else?? She needs to move on, take care of her own affairs. I mean really......an ice cream gift card! See ya!

OK - they see each other once a month, he lives far away, he doesn't want to marry her. They are not "together". He either considers her a friend (if they're not intimate), or a friend with "benefits" (if they are intimate). If she thinks he's being faithful to her during the rest of the time when he's not willing to commit, she's fooling herself.

It sounds like he's been quite clear with your sister. He does not want to get married. If she does, then she should break up with him and move on.

WOW! You're not being biased. You just need some back up here and you'll get it! Tell her to go on to the next one. He has said he isn't going to commit and she is still "seeing" him. What kind of relationship is that and why get the kids involved with someone that will eventually disappear? She either needs to tell him the whole truth, which I think he should too, or she needs to tell him goodbye. Does she know him well enough to know he's not already married?

Your sis has little ones to tend to. You need to encourage her to be her own woman until the right man comes along. One that is willing to say he wants to be with her forever...with marriage and fatherhood. Sticking around only prolongs the same thing.

M.

Hi,

What is your sister's "goal" in terms of this relationship? Did your sister ask you for advice? If not, then I wouldn't say anything. If she did ask for your advice regarding this matter, then I might tell her that not asking for financial help seems like a wise move. Regarding your sister's home, is there a real estate professional, social worker, etc. in her area that can help her work with lenders to enable her to hold onto her home--or at least find a fairly safe, comfortable new home?

Best wishes,
Lynne

If he loves her, he will marry her and live with her, kids and all. If he is worried about her being after his money, he can ask her to sign a pre-nup. It is no excuse for not committing. He doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want to commit. She doesn't need to dump him, but she would do well to keep herself available to meet a man who wants to commit to her during the rest of the month. She should be honest with him about having an open dating relationship unless he wants to commit (assuming she does too).

Denise P said it best! Bravo! I'm sorry, a "large denomination gift card to an ice cream place"??? Boo. Time for sis to move on.

He doesn't sound like he REALLY wants to commit in any way -honestly. From his point of view, he may not feel that he wants to take on three kids, but if she wants to stay with him, she's going to have to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to pop up with a ring one day or ever be the cards and flowers type. It doesn't sound like he would give her money, but who knows? She has to be prepared for him to say "No" and for things to break off if she asks. I'm sure she feels quite desperate if she's about to lose her home, so I'm kind of in the camp of "try anything," but if she does -she just needs to be prepared that it may end it all.

Your right, he doesn't sound like a gem, but that being said this is not anything you should mention to your sister. From my own experience you can only be there for your sister. She has to come to her own decision. I have a sister that is married to a guy that I could use every negative in the book to describe him. When my siblings and parents tried to get her to see how unhealthy he was for her, my sister was torn between him and us. It caused her horrid grief and pushed her away. She also stopped confiding in us if there was a problem. Once we backed off she was less on the defensive and at least we are in her life in spite of the marriage. Hopefully your sister will see that this guy is not the one for her that he has to take her as a whole package or not at all. Just listen and if she does say anything to you don't attack him outright, ( unless she asks a direct question and even then use the I think or I feel as a way to start off the answer verses yes leave him he is a jerk) perhaps ask thought provoking questions to hopefully get her thinking about what she wants in life. Its hard watching our siblings struggle, but all we can do is be there for them. Ultimately they have to make the choice of who they want in their life. I saw this with my other sister who was in a physically abusive relationship she stayed with him for years and we did everything to help her get out. She never left until one day she really wanted out and she didn't look back. Good luck to you and your sister.

Well my advice is to dump him - but it sounds like she's not wanting to go that route (yet). She really needs to focus and work on HERSELF, especially during the trying time that she is going through.

Usually if someone is in a bad relationship they know it and are actually part of the problem. Just let your sister know that she needs to make the best decision for her children and that you are going to stay out of it.

She should drop him like a hot potato.

-M

I bet he is actually already married. That happened to a friend of mine who had a "short visit" relationship.

N.