My Living Bf Gone for 1Month Holiday to See His Friends and Family

L., do you really want to get engaged to someone you have to push into it? Don't you want a man you don't have to beg? He should want to and if he doesn't, move on. The way he introduced you to his family is a BIG sign. You've been together 5 years and you're a friend? You're doing everything a wife does and he introduces you to his family as a FRIEND? Kristin a hit the nail on the head! Sex chatting with other women means he has zero respect for you!!

You need to get the book "He's just not that into you", written by a guy, if this is a serious question.

My advice is while he is gone for the month to find a new place to live, separate yourself from him and find someone who will treat you like a worth while person.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
You don't get it, he doesn't care about you. He will someday marry a nice Muslim girl who has not been to bed with another man. Yes, you just leave, he will breath a sigh of relief when he returns, because there will be another person who will take your place if he's not already seeing other woman.

He's on vacation without you because his family has a good Muslim girl at home in mind, and both families have probably already sealed the deal. They will marry when he's done with school.

No matter how much you love him, in the eyes of a Muslim family, you will never be good enough for him.

Don't you think you are worth having someone love you back? YOU ARE WORTH THAT AND SO MUCH MORE. There must be some family or friends you can go to for support. We are here for some support but you need up close a personal attention. This guy is no good for you. PLEASE GET A GRIP! Go to counseling, talk to clergy...get some help.

L.,

Are you also from another country? Where is your family?

As a last year medical student you must be very "book smart", so I am puzzled as a to why you want to stay with a man who is clearly "using" you and has no intention of making a lasting commitment.

You should be grateful to God that you have not had a child with this man. Since you are about to become a doctor, even if you did have a child in a solid relationship, with a committed husband, it would still be difficult for you, but not impossible to be wife, mother and Dr. L.. It would be "impossible" to do this with the man you describe.

Not only to I suggest that you "refuse" all his calls and messages, I would pack my things and move out while he is away! Then send him a "DEAR JOHN" letter that will say nothing more then "I'M OUTTA HERE AND YOU HAVE JUST LOST A REALLY GOOD WOMAN".

L., sometimes love is not enough, especially when it's as one sided as you describe. There are many good men (not boys, such as the guy you've been with the last 5 years), out there just waiting to meet someone like you. Don't cheat yourself or sell yourself short anymore. Start living YOUR life without this loser.

Please keep us posted.

Blessings....

PS....Becoming engaged doesn't mean he would ever marry you. I have a friend who was actually engaged for 40 years and the guy didn't marry her until a few weeks before he died. She too was a very successful business woman, but a very submissive and abused "girlfriend". She never had children, he rarely went out with her, didn't like most of her friends, avoided holidays with her family....she basically was there to take care of the home and service him when he decided. Very sad life. Don't let that happen to you.

you are being used...he's getting free sex, free maid service, free chef service...he has no reason what so ever to make a future with you...he won't..

you may love him - but he doesn't love you...he loves what you provide for him - free sex, maid service and a cook...

why on earth would you want to have a baby with a man who does not LOVE YOU?!

While he's gone - leave...go back to your parents or find a place of your own...get a therapist to help you get over him.

I am sorry to be blunt, but he's not planning a future with you. I have seen many people have a "placeholder" boyfriend/girlfriend while in college, but once they are done and facing the "real world".... they want freedom. Freedom to move wherever, date whoever, start a new life. It's not all bad. Once you get over the grief of your broken heart and years invested in this guy, you'll appreciate the fresh start.

Playing games will gain you nothing. Please, be an adult and move on. Answer the phone, wish him well, but tell him you need to find someone who wants the same things you do.

I loved a man for about 2 years who never said he loved me either. We dated for 3 1/2 years (I didn't LOVE him until a bit into it) and he kept having reasons he didn't want to get married either. I loved him, I felt like I would be lost without him. We lived together, went out everywhere...shoot, we even worked together! I finally came home one night after work and said, "are you going to marry me?" He said "no" I asked, "Are we ever going to have children?" he said, "no". I said, I will help you pack up your stuff. It was HARD! I missed him so so so much. He was a great guy, he just didn't have the same plans I did. I am so happy I let him go. I met the man of my dreams and have three great kids!
I get that it's hard and you love him. He doesn't love you. He has told you he doesn't want to get married. Move on.
L.

Seriously? You're "trying" to get engaged to this guy? WHY?

Sounds like he has zero respect for you, very little love and marriage would be a good thing? Because, you know, even if you get married--he'll be exactly the way he is right now. Men don't change once they are engaged or married.
Crazy as this might sound, it might be a better plan to focus on your education and your career and your life as an independent woman.
Best of luck to you!

By what you say he is from another country and went home to see them without you. That's not cool to "leave" the girlfriend behind. His actions say that he just wants you around to take care of him. Once school is done he is out of there.

Just look you say you fight constantly, he sex chats and never says "I love you" to your face. There is no future here. If you stay you will become a statistic wife that once he gets up on his feet he divorces you and gets the real woman he wants to live with for the rest of his life and you will be left high and dry.

Focus on yourself and find inner strength and move on. Your future husband is out there - it's just not the right time for him to show up.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS I have seen this happen too many times working in the academic world especially with future doctors and lawyers.

EDIT: After reading your so what happened. It is very plain and clear that he is NOT into you and IS using you. Muslim men are a breed all of their own with ways and customs that are not understood by many women outside of their religion. I dated a few Muslim men before I got married and I am glad that I didn't marry one.

From what I read if you have to ask why you have to break up with someone you have not been out in the dating world very long/much. When you break up you break up and move on to a new life without the old boyfriend in it. You just have to dig deep down inside of you and THINK for yourself how it will be by yourself and learn to love you first. If you can't make yourself happy no one else is going to do it for you. You are only 25 and that is young. There is a whole world open to you for you to explore and go for it. Pleeeease go for it. You will be happy without him even though it doesn't seem like it right now. Don't ever beg for someone to love you as they not and they will use you because they know that you will do anything that they want to keep them with you -- very bad idea. It's too emotionally draining for both parties. Remember life is too short to get caught up in someone who is not into you and go with your gutt feeling that IS telling you to leave.

If you have to work this hard getting him to commit to you and have this much anxiety about his feelings for you, he obviously does not feel the same way about you as you do about him. Does not matter how much you love him - you need to love yourself more, and realize you deserve someone who truly wants a future with you. His actions speak volumes - don't pay attention to what he says, pay attention to what he does. He introduced you to his family as a "friend"? He has "sex chats" with other women? Really? I say you need to do some serious soul searching and realize that this "relationship" is going nowhere. Time to move on.

EDITED TO ADD: If you are in medical school, you have a bright enough future ahead of you that having a man in your life will be icing on the cake. Make your education your first priority - you are still very young and there are plenty other worthy guys out there with plenty enough time to meet them, then find one worth planning a future and family together.

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED?": Just take it one day at a time. But do not go back, I would not even consider it, no matter what he says. He's had his chances, enough is enough. How do you get over someone? It takes time, but it also means you realizing that you deserve better. How much you love him does not matter - you need to love yourself more. If you feel like maybe you need counseling, by all means talk things over with a therapist - hopefully they will help you figure out for yourself the direction you need to go.

Exactly what Kristina said... you have an entire month to get your life together and get into your own apartment and get your name off of any "utilities" at "his place".

The simple fact that after 5 years he introduced you to his family as a "friend" AND you aren't going with him this time to visit is a very clear message. You are not important to him and he is NOT planning a future with you. I know it's not easy to hear, but it's the truth.

Breaking off a long-term relationship is incredibly difficult, but it can be done and you will be a stronger and better person for it. I have been there, done that and the first 3 months will be really sad, lonely and difficult. Slowly you will start to feel like YOURSELF again... happy, no anxiety, free.

If he wants to marry you, he will ask. In fact, he would have asked several years ago.

If you love this man and you love the way this relationship is Right Now, then marry him. Because your relationship After the wedding will be exactly the same as your relationship Before the wedding. Weddings don't change bad boyfriends into good husbands.

This boyfriend is not planning a future with you, I am sorry to say. You have invested 5 years in a relationship with a man that introduces you to his family as his friend, that does not say future by any stretch of the imagination. He keeps you in his now but has no intentions with you in his forever. Don't let him take advantage of your love. You deserve some one who can give you back what you give them. This boyfriend obviously does not. Cut your losses and move on. It sounds as though he does not respect you as a girlfriend so don't waste any more time. Like another poster said stop playing games, they get you no where, be an adult and handle this situation. Take control of your life and stand up for yourself. Good Luck there are many men out there, he is not the only one

What Kristina M said. Listen, grow up and do it.

This is a relationship of convenience for your boyfriend. After 5 years you know what you want and what you don't and I'm sorry-you are not his forever. Be strong, finish school, get out there and see what the world has to offer you. Make it something you deserve because no one deserves the "relationship" you are in.

I suspect the writing and misspelling has to do with learning English as a second language. Smart enough for medical school means being smart enough and financially able to support yourself.

Please, please, please do not get pregnant. The relationship is one that works while in college. You will be tied to him and his future wife forever if you get pregnant. You and your child deserve better.

Concentrate on school and getting your career going. When you get enough money to support yourself, move out and move on.

this will sound harsh - but you are being used..

This guy is getting:
Free Sex
Free Maid Service
Free cooking services

What are you getting out of it? Nothing but heart ache..

he didn't introduce you as a GIRLFRIEND to his family - HUGE red flag
he didn't take you on holiday.
he is sexting other women.
he has NO intention of changing...

LEAVE! LEAVE NOW!!! Change your phone number and do not address him when he sees you in school.

You are 25 years old...you don't need to act like some love sick teenager...you are in medical school...

Marrying him will not change him...he will still sex-text. he will still leave without you...is this how you want your life to be? I don't think so..

LEAVE....however hard it may be...love yourself as much as you say you love him and leave.

Why would you want a man who by the looks of it really doesnt want you? He doesnt even acknowledge or admit to his own mother that you are more than just a friend. And why did he wait until 6 months ago, if you have been together for 5 years? There is no respect! I know you want him to marry you, and have children, but what a bad position you would be further putting yourself into.

You shouldnt have to ask a man to marry you, and have his babies.. He should WANT to do these things. Forcing him, or giving him an ultimatum never works.

Not answering the phone, and not talking to him isnt going to make him miss you it is going to push him farther away.

My advice is to smarten up a bit and realize that this man doesnt seem to want to be with you for the long haul.
You need to figure YOU out, and what you want to do, life wise and do it. Stop worry about making him marry you etc. Do you for awhile, and maybe you can figure it all out.

It really doesnt sound like he deserves you.

*Added*

Just read what more you wrote.. Its good to have a big heart, but sometimes hurting someone happens and is sometimes inevitable. He is hurting you by doing all this right? You cant stick around with a man that you have no future with and doesn't even WANT a future with you. Its sad, its hard, and it hurts but you have to do what is best for YOU. Its a good thing that you are at your Mom's house, and hopefully taking some time to see the real picture. He needs to realize that he is being a jerk.

Also if he just hung up on you, then again what a jerk! He isnt fighting for you, he was a coward and hung up. Thats not a man. You need someone who wants to be in the relationship as much as you do, and if thats how he wants to act then that is the hard truth and you need to grow and go from that. There are plenty of other men who will love you and want to marry you and treat you right without having to force them to have feelings for you and want the things that you do. You need to be on the same page as the one you are with.

If it is this hard now, then it will only get harder!

Oh my goodness Lisa - I feel for you. I know you love him, but...... you have got to move on. You've probably heard it before, but you're young and you'll find someone who will love and appreciate you (not to mention respect you!) You say he is sex chatting with other girls?!?! Do you realize if he's doing this BEFORE you are married that it will most definitely continue, and I'm pretty positive it'll turn into actual physical affairs. Is that what you want for your life? You're better than that. Don't settle. And trying to get him to miss you so he'll ask you to marry him?? That's extremely immature. You're playing games. You need to walk away NOW.

seriously, why would you want to get married to a man and have a baby with a man who is sex chatting with other girls? if he is doing that knowingly, what else is he doing that you don't know about? he doesn't want a baby. you need to respect that. if you want things that he is unable to give you, if you love him, you accept it. if you can't accept these things, you need to move on to someone who will appreciate you and will want the same things in life.

Honey re read your post. Do you really want this man? He does not repect you, all the issues you have now won't go away because you got married. use this time away from him to work on yourself and your self esteem. You deserve a man that treats you well, listens to you, Is not afraid to say he loves you, treats you as an equal and one that does not hide your relationship by going to visit family without you.
Show him you are strong and independent and you don't "need" him. !

I agree with most of the people here, you need to stay away from him for a while so he could realize if he really needs you in his life for life. He needs to grow up but he can only do that by staying by himself to appreciate you and all that you have been doing for him.

I had a similar situation. My now hubby and I had been dating for 4yrs and lived together for 3 of those yrs. After the long dating and living together as if we were married I needed to know what's ahead of us. He said he didn't want to get married yet til we finished college and he gave me a promise ring. I graduated b4 him and started grad school. He graduated two semesters after but I still didn't get a definite answer.

So when our lease was about to end I refused to renew it and I moved out to my sister's for a few days. I went oversees to visit family for a month and I was going to get my own place when I got back. When I came back he picked me up and proposed to me on our way from the airport. He admitted that he was miserable without me. We got married a yr after and now we have our own home and a 14month old son. Our 2yrs anniversary is Monday July 18th...We are doing great!

Good-luck!

It is hard and feels impossible and will hurt like crazy but you will be so glad you did it in the long run. You do not want to be stuck in an unhappy marriage, especially if you move to a new country or whatever. If he is already having sex chats, it is only going to get worse. A painful break-up and crying and hurt is going to be shortlived compared to sticking this out and actually marrying him. TRUST ME! and if he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this. And not seeing him for a year and a half? do you think he's going to be faithful? be honest with yourself. He will be cheating you on you and laughing behind your back. He is using you and you deserve better. Leave him.