Advice: 3 Year Old Needing Discipline

A friend and I were just talking about the "terrible threes" earlier this evening, so you aren't alone. Here are a few things that have helped me, although I have no magic bullets (other than eventually they do get older!):

- give attention - I have a 7yo, and I've found that it really helps the attitude of the 3yo if I actually take a few minutes when I'm busy to interact with him instead of just trying to rush out the door or whatever we need to do next. Try to give all the positive attention you can and react less to tantrummy behavior.

- this one is really key - prepare him ahead of time for anything unusual. Never change activities or leave a park without a warning. If you know you can only do whatever thing for 30 minutes, warn ahead of time that it will be short. If you're eating in a restaurant explain ahead of time what's going to happen and remind what the kids are supposed to do. (stay in your seat, use your inside voice, color with your crayons, that kind of thing. You can even role play something new with him - make it a game. Get his sister involved, too.

- When you talk about consequences, try to set it up so that you're not the bad guy - if the rule is broken, there's a consequence, and you're just following the rule too. Do everything you can to make it impersonal so the battle of wills doesn't happen.

- consistency helps with that, too. (but is also hard for me)

- I think at this age it's a tension cycle that they get into. Try to think ahead of time of ways to break the cycle. Sometimes it's humor. Sometimes it's saying something like, "we're going to start this morning all over again. Why don't you try getting back into bed and get back out on the right side?" (if there's only one side, even better - then it's funny.)

- races and competitions. You could try an egg timer or counting or compete with him yourself - who can pick up the most toys in 5 min?

- Music. Sometimes if everyone's cranky I just turn on a favorite happy dance song really loud and the whole family stops to dance for a couple of minutes. Even on a school morning. It can totally reset the mood for all of us. Because - truth be told? - sometimes mom is having a quiet tantrum too and needs to start over.

Oh, one more thing - are there particular triggers? My older son has sensory integration issues (getting better as he gets older and after OT) and he would just start behaving like a hellion whenever we were in a loud environment. It took a long time for me to make that connection, though.

A.,
Consistency is really hard for me, especially when my kids have turned my brain to mush.
Have you tried giving a warning or two and then stating simply (in little kid terms) that if you do ____, then ______will happen? This approach is beginning to work with my two year old. I also suggest that you examine your child's diet, even if it does not contain much junk. A good author to read is Doris Rapp, MD. In "Is This Your Child?" she discusses extensively how various foods can wildly affect children's behavior and how to identify possible offending foods.
Good luck.
A. A S
PS I have not read 1,2,3 Magic.

I would love to recommend "Parenting with Dignity". I could be a spokesperson for this. It is wonderful, and it does not tell you what to teach your children, just how to implement your values. They also have Parenting with Dignity the Toddler Years. I own both plus the set of DVD's. It is so special because it works on a system of dignity for you and the child, and a system of respect and making good choices. It works on the premise that you must teach your children to make good decisions while they are young, not just do what you said, because you "said so".
I could go on and on. Please check it out. I have four children, ages 11, 6, 2, and 5 mos. My husband and I both have learned so much. The writing is quite good and entertaining, very easy to follow, and enjoyable!

A.,
You've gotten some great advice, but I just wanted to add that its also the age. I believe I wrote your same post several months ago after my oldest turned 3. It took some time for us to understand eachother, but we used the 1-2-3 magic and it really has been MAGIC!

When talking to my friends, everyone agrees that 3 is worse than 2 and it sort of sneaks up on you. They are fun one day and then a beast the next. I described him as Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. Love them both . . .

Best of luck and it will get better as you lay down the rules and stick to them and he has an understanding of the consequenses!!
B.

I get frustrated with our 3 year old too and the narcisism that comes with the age. Suddenly overnight one day he seemed to have the attitude of a spoiled little brat. We've thankfully seen improvement since that day. I remind him a lot lately to change his attitude... not to whine but be thankful for fun things he did or what he has, depending on what he is whining about. Mainly, I think the main thing with discipline is praising the good and frowning the bad, and consequences being related to the naughty action. I also find myself reminding him pretty often to listen and obey...very key to this age I think is learning to respect authority and actions have consequences, along with reminding to have a positive attitude, at least with our 3 year old.

I think Jen has some very good advice. I definitely think 3 is worse than 2. My son is 4 now, so we are a little better than 3. But, I hate bossiness and backtalk, which is typical 4 year old behavior. Anyway, what works for us is a lot of positive attention and praise when he is doing something good. He will then feel disappointed when he makes you sad. I also try to spend more one on one time with him when I can. Then, we do time outs (for double the time of their age) or we take away his favorite thing for 1 whole day. I found that things that worked in the past for us weren't working as well by 3.5 years old. So, I lengthened the time of time outs and added taking away privelages and that seemed to work. Finally, pick your battles. You need to work on correcting 2 or 3 saller(or 1 large) thing at a time. Trying to correct everything at once will make them overwhelmed and they will be more likely not to listen to you or care as much. So, positive praise and some negative when they are doing bad should help. Give it some time, but hopefully it will work. Good luck!- also, try to spend some more "you" time so you are more patient and relaxed (well, as much as possible anyway)

Hi A., I read 123 Magic and found that it really helped. The first half of the book is about how to discipline and the 2nd half is how to "encourage?" the child to do what you want him to do. I only read the 1st half and that is all I really needed. Good luck!

M.

A., I've been wanting to respond to your post, especially because it was so timely. Just Saturday night, my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter (she's also my foster child) had a major meltdown, which in turn caused me to. She's been in "this phase" for about the past 2 weeks, but only from Thursday thru Saturday it was extremely bad, and this was the first meltdown I had right along with her. So, to wake up Sunday morning and read your post was very timely indeed. The advice that everyone gave you has been so helpful to me as well, and I've started doing research on books, and am making my trek to the library tonight.

Thank you to everyone at Mamasource, you've all been very helpful to me a number of times in the past few months! I've gained much insight by all of your experiences, so thank you so very much for sharing them!

B.

A.,

I know what your going through. I found a few things that really helped for me. On was the Happest toddler on the vlock DVD and the 123 magic book, and the Scream free Parenting book By Edward Runkel and that will help wit all kids. You just really need to get down to their leave and say stop calm down, wait and listen to me and it seem to work with out yelling or screaming. they see it as it you are speaking to them from where they are not yelling from above. I know you will do you best I know its hard to find whats right for you and your family, you will find it Good Luck

Look out world!! It seems we are all going through the same thing....no advice here...I am just gaining comfort in knowing I AM NOT ALONE!!! It is as if there is an echo....everything being said is sooo what I'm going through. I am at my wits end too! I have ordered 1-2-3 magic...I hope it helps my family. How on earth did my Mum cope with eight??? I'm struggling with one!! Best of luck, and lets pat ourselves on the back! Chins up girls...we can't let them get the best of us!!

Hi A.,
I really like Dr Sear's advice on discipine --he talks about it in most of his books and has a book all about discipline--you can also read some of his advice on askdrsears.com. Also, I just got Elizabeth Pantley's "The No-cry Discipline Solution" which I found helpful--she addresses lots of specific situations that would be just right for your kids' ages. Hope that's helpful!
P.

I know I am a little slow, but I don't get to read Email that often. When my daughter turned 3, I knew that I needed help because everything I was doing wasn't working and we were both miserable. I enrolled in a class from the Love and Logic people that was being held at my older son's school and what a difference. If you can just use their techniques all the time, then you don't feel bad for disciplining and they "own" the problem they've created. Please go to their website and order some books - they even have one for toddlers specifically. LoveandLogic.com. Good luck and keep the faith! ~ K.

A.,

I feel for you. There is a program out there called Love and Logic. They have a website. Their premise is to discipline through love and logic. You use empathy with your child and show how the choice they made was not a good one. Children are held accountable but they are not given the opportunity to be upset with you they have to look at their behavior. They have several books and audios and dvds as well. Great helpful advice. Good luck!