Adopting Older Child

From my understanding in Arizona it is an easier process to start off Fostering an older child and then adopt the child when you have proven that it is a good fit and environment for all involved. I have been told that the adoption process goes faster and smoother that way. Hope that helps.

congratualions! i have charlie, sean, mikey, randy, theo, jackie as my adopted children. they were all adopted as teens. charlie came to us in 1993. he is now married and is a police officer and has given us our first grandchild. sean came to us at 16 . last year he graduated from mechanics school and is now working at a dealership, mikey came to us with a lot of drug problems but he is now in the coast guard and doing well,randy had a lot of anger problems we got himat 14 he also went to school with sean and they are both working at the same dealership, theo was a previously adopted child andhad a lot of trust issues, he is now at Uof A on a football scholarship, jackie a little american indian girl still lives with us and is the only wrestler on our high school team . she also has a lot of trust issues and is doing way better than she was with her birth parents. she still has contact with them. yes these children come with a lot of baggage but with a lot of love, discipline and attention they are healed. it is a big commitment to take but you have to be sure that is what you want to do because they have already been thrown away once. they are so loving and giving once they realize that you love them. all of our kids are involved in sports and i think that is the thing that kept them in school more than anything. the rewards are ... how can i say it. ok they are the ones that are the first to call on birthdays, mothers days, just call to see how my day is going. my biological children sometimes forget. and when they all comehome for holidays the house is warm and full and my arms are full of love.im just speechless when it comes to describing the feeling that i get.

this is an update 2 days after my response above. I have been thinking so hard about yor question. myabe i was just lucky but i have never had any serious problems with my kids other that normal teenage stuff such as testing their limits and heartbreaks. maybe because they were old enough to verbalize their feelings , i dont know. these children were kids that lived in my community that were living on the streets. i didnt go pick them up. i just started talking to them at school events. charlie was a wrestler, my husband is a wrestling coach and i met him there. he stayed at our house druing the winter and eventually was adopted. the others just saought us out. i think that putting the word out that we were accepting and loving is why they approached us. yes, the asoption process is complicated but thankfully all their parents willfully signed tehm over so it was esier. we have rules and cosnequences and i think that is something these kids were yearnign for. for someone to care enough to set limits. they were all very open when talking and wemake sure that the kids know they can talk about ANYTHING and they do. I just got a call from Brian who is in Iraq. he is so homesick and hungry and everything hurts him and he is so tired and it makes my heart hurt but it was his decision and I support him. he will be home in Jan and is so looking forward to it. he talked to me for 35 minutes. he told me lal the things he wants me to cook for him when he gets home. and although I feel bad that he is living on MRE's, it makes me so proud that I was able to give him something to look forward to.... roast beef and masshed ptoatoes, BBQ ribsl, chex mix yummies and cheesecake. I dont know if he would have had a favorite food had he kept living in the streets. Mikey just left form leave and is back on the coast guard boat. we spent a whole day alone, watching tv and cuddleing on the couch. he is such a loving kid, has hugs to spare, and i think that had we not adopted him, who would he have given those hugs to? nobody wanted him. he stopped dong drugs the week he moved in with us and started wrestling and put all his time and energy into it that he had not time for his previousl life.. and he was state champion. he wanted my enchiladas, beans and rice, when he came home. sean stops in every wednesday and he is a Ham boy. he is living in his own apartment and comes to raid the pantry.he has been the one that tired to test the limits. sneaking out of the house... we told him it was his house and he didnt have to sneak out the window, that the front door worked just fine, he just needed to tell us where he was going so we wouldnt worry, he never did that again. drinking he got a DUI at 18 and almost ruined his life. he just got his license back and i think he realized what he has at stake. called us a couple of times to be picked up after drinking. i guess what im trying to tell you is that my heart hurts for these kids, just because they are not cute and newborn doesnt mean that they dont need love. they need more because they are old enough to know what it is not to be love and get hurt. and though its not without trials and tribulations, the rewards are greater that you can imagine.

Hello- I am not sure what prompted that last response, but I personally work for CPS and saying that most older children needing to be adopted have been sexually abused is not true. Granted, they have been through differing levels of trauma or they would not have come to our attention. If you're truly interested in adopting you can contact one of a number of foster care/adoption agencies. There is AASK, ARISE, Human Resource Training, etc. If you're hesitant about straight out adoption, have you considered providing foster care? It may prove to "open your eyes" as to the different children we serve and how committed you are to offering your home and life to a child. It's great to hear that you desire to share your life with a child who deserve just that. We need more people like you. Good luck.

I would definately recommend taking older kids through foster care first. That way you get to know them before you make any big decisions. If you take an older child specifically for adoption, and then decide that you can't handle the child, it will be more hurtful to everyone in the long run. Yes, older children come with a lot of baggage. My parents were foster parents when I was growing up, and they ended up adopting. Make sure you have plenty of support, and someone who has adopted older children to help you get through the hard stuff. It also depends on how old you're talking about. A three year old will be a lot easier than a ten year old. But that would still be easier than a teenager. I'm not trying to be discouraging at all, but be prepared for a rough road. My Mom and Dad adopted several kids at different ages, some as babies, and the oldest at 12 years old. If you'd like to talk to my Mom for more experienced information, let me know and I'll give you some contact information. Good luck, and I hope things go well for you.

C.,

Good for you! Yes, if you are looking to adopt an older child, there will be a hard life that they will bring along with them. They need a good home too and with your working with teens at a residential treatment center that puts you ahead in the game. What you might consider doing is fostering a young child adoptible (or likely to be) and try it out that way. Once the child is in your home, you get to know the child and vice versa and when it comes to adoption time you are first in line because the child has lived with you in your home. My sister did this very successfully. It's a longer process but a safer one if you have concerns. I was a foster child starting at 12 - yes, I had been severely abused but because I was in a foster home that got to know me - they wanted to adopt me. Hope this helps!

You might want to contact the agency and see if you can attend a meet and greet and actually talk with some adoptive parents of older children or even talk with older children that have been adopted. I know it's sometimes more difficult but you and your husband have to be ready and committed to spend time with that child (whatever age) because as they get older they become more aware of why they are in the adoptive situation and what they need most is LOVE and ATTENTION.

Best wishes,
C.~

I am an adoptive parent and am extensively involved on every level of the adoption community. I am so happy Megan countered the shockingly misinformed response from R A. When I was taking my cerification classes, the instructors talked a lot about maintaining birth order. In other words, children coming into a family of already existing children, should be younger than the youngest child. And over the years I have come to understand why that is so important. It is also the reason I've never considered adopting an older child. Children who have been uprooted into the system for any length of time are traumatized. It could mean a tremendous disruption for your family. In many cases, the younger the child, the lesser the trauma. In getting to know the family that adopted my daughter's older siblings at ages 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 (they were born on the same day), I've heard stories of the kids' anxiety even though they left their birth home that young. The 2 children they later adopted were younger. I know there are instances where it works, but the families I know who have adopted older kids have had ongoing challenges.

We have adopted two boys from Russia, ages 2 and 3 1/2 at adoption. We have had them home for almost a year and we are thrilled with them. They are awesome! The older boy had a lot of problems at first with anger and trust and the younger boy had never spoken or made a sound other than to cry. They are both happy and healthy today. They still have speech delays and the younger boy is still catching up with his age group on lots of stuff, but they have made huge strides and are real joys! We are now starting an adoption from the Ukraine. We are planning on adopting two girls, hopefully siblings, who are older (about 6-8). I am nervous about breaking up the 'birth' order of our kids, but it's very hard to adopt under the age of 5 in the Ukraine and I'm more concerened about artificial twining. Anyway, sorry I'm babbling about my own concerns here...

My advice is to go with your gut feelings. The foster system is tough and there are some serious issues out there like RAD (radical attachment disorder) but if you educate yourself about the things that could happen and arm yourself with skills and tools and professionals and the support to deal with the special issues that can come with adopting an older child, and if you wait for the one you feel is right, then it can be the most rewarding and meaningful thing you ever do with your life. Motherhood is a hard and constant job. But it can be so fun and is so worth it. Parenting an adopted child, especially one not adopted at birth, can be much harder. There are issues inherant in adoption. And with the older child those issues can be multiplied and intensified. Our philosophy was that we did all the research we could and then decided which issues we felt we could deal with. It's really not about what can go 'wrong', it's about what issues you feel you can deal with in a way that is in the best interest of the child. For example, we were prepared to adopt two boys whose mother was a known alchoholic because we felt we could deal with the possible medical and behavioral issues, but we didn't feel that we could adopt children of a different race than us because the issues inherant in creating an inter-racial family felt too overwhelming for us in our situation. That doesn't mean that it is wrong to adopt inter-racially, I greatly admire those I know who have done so, and we may end up doing so later on down the road, but we just weren't ready to deal with those issues at the time.

In short, I don't think anyone can tell you that it is 'right' or 'wrong' to adopt older children. Only you can know what issues you are prepared and willing to work with in raising a child. Your responsibility is to research the helk out of adoption. (Just like you are now by asking questions here.) I would personally recommend that you read all the scary books about everything that could go wrong, arm yourself with all of the parenting tactics you can lay your hands on, and then adopt any child you feel you can love. If you are willing and desirous to make the commitment there are so many children out there who need it. And, dang it, they deserve to be loved by people like you. No child comes without problems. You just have to figure out which ones you can handle and then look for children within that criteria.

Best of luck! If you want any information about adopting from Russia or the Ukraine let me know!

HI there!

I don't want to discourage you at all. Both my brother and I were adopted. I was adopted at birth and my brother was adopted at 5. I agree that every child deserves a good home to go to but some children need to be the only child.

My brother had a lot of problems, he was abused in about every way. It makes me sick to think of it. I won't go into that. But having him as an older brother was very hard. He threatened my life several times, abused me punched holes in walls trying to get at me. My parents are just amazing. But he has put them through it. I really think that if he were the only child he could have had more one on one time which could have helped but he still would have problems. Also, you don't want to put other children at risk.

I'm not saying that every child out there is going to be trouble, thats not true. But make sure you know the background so you know what you're getting into. And you know whether you can help. I believe that every child out there deserves a chance, but some need to be the only child in the home they need a little extra love.

I don't want to offened anyone out there. This is my own personal expierence. I'm considering adopting as well. But I'm going to do my research of the child so I know how to help.

C.

I am sorry but I dont agree with alot of these responses My family did foster care growing up and we had children from the ages 3-17 around and it didnt put a strain. I was adopted and when ever I got out of control ( normal teen stuff) I would call the police and get them involved and they never took my side they always took my parents side. I am not saying that would happen to you I was just a brat. I love my parents and love what they did for me I had the best life ever if I would have been raised by my birth parents I would be a completly differant person, one that I dont think I would be proud of. I am proud of who I am today and what my parents did for me both birth and adoptive.

I don't know a lot about adopting an older child, but I disagree with the response before me. Older children need home just as much as younger children. Yes they have been through a lot but that just makes them need your love even more. I think when you find the right child you will know and everything will work out for your family. Good luck!!

I personally have not adopted, but my sister in law does foster care and recently adopted 2 of "her girls" (sisters) they are 11 and 14. From what I have heard from her, it really depends on the child and the situation they come from. She has had a number of foster children ranging in ages from 4-16. You and your husband need to get the full background of the child you are looking to adopt and see if it is at all possible to spend some extra time with that child. Also, if their parents are still around they may be interested in seeing the child still. Is that something you are interested in allowing to happen or do you want to completely remove the child from their negative life. I think that part of the

Hi Chritina,

every week channel 4 news has a Wed's child which is just about adopting older children. Call them, (look then up in the phone book) I sure they can tell you everything you need to know. Wishing you the best.

I have often thought about doing the same thing, I don't know anyone who has adopted an older child but God bless you.

Please be very careful when adopting an older child, because most of them have been sexualy abused and have much more problems. My parents have adopted 6 kids but they were all babies when they were adopted. If you adopt an older child you are putting your own family at risk because if the child gets upset at you over something small all they have to say is that you or your husband touched him {the child} in his privet place. And the state has to do an investigation and you risk your own child going into the system. They always belive the adopted child over anyone. So please think this over....My parents only have 5 of the 6 they adopted..... Good Luck...