Adoption or Foster - Adopt

Updated on February 27, 2011
G.B. asks from Carlsbad, CA
8 answers

My husband and I have two wonderful bio girls ages 4 and 6. We would like to adopt a boy younger than 4 and are trying to figure out the best way to go about it. We are beginning the process with the county and need to decide if we would be open to foster first. I feel like this would be a great option as it would be a great trial period to make sure that it is the right thing for our family. However, it could be a really hard road if we are not able to adopt a child who is reunified with his bio parents and this could be heartbreaking. I am curious if there are any moms who have adopted and any advice you can give.

How is adopting when you already have bio children?
How is/was the foster-adopt experience for you?
Has anyone used Angel's agency for fostering or foster-adopt?
Has anyone adopted through San Diego County? If so I would love to hear of your experience and any advice you can give.

Thank you!


1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Los Angeles on

This is;not to put you off but,
Are you aware that children who have been abused in someway and then rejected (including death of parents) often transfer the bad feelings they have toward their parents to their adoptive parents?
I have lived with this both with close relatives and friends.
Look into this and talk to some adoption professional about this.
Anyway you are nice people and if you do it the younger the

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answers from San Antonio on

I grew up in a family where my parents fostered children through an agency. There were any where from one to six foster siblings at a time in our home age range from newborn through teenagers. Several of the older teens "aged out" while in our family and my parents still kept them and helped them receive vocational training and helped them set up their lives. The newborns were mostly there until they could be placed with adoptive parents never filled out the paper work to actually adopt.

One of the toddlers placed was very hard to find a family to adopt her, she had been very abused prior to placement. They agency asked my parents if they were interested and they did actually adopt her.

I have many siblings but only one "officially" adopted sister. The hard part was when my foster siblings would be placed back in their homes...only to return within a few months because of new issues with their bio-parents (who by the way would never give up rights).

Be sure you know what you want and pray for an excellent caseworker.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My advice is to be very honest with your limitations. My aunt and uncle had 3 girls and wanted a boy and figured why not adopt? They tried foster to adopt at least 2 times, with the boys being taken back both times. I don't know the specifics, but they were upset and my cousins found it hard, too. My aunt and uncle wanted a boy of any race, under 4, with no major health issues (minor were fine). They eventually decided that their hearts needed a certainty so they went overseas and adopted my cousin. It was a longer wait, but they had more certainty about things (like his parents' rights already being terminated).

I've also talked to a mom in our playgroup whose son is adopted and she says so many will say to the birth parents "Oh, I'll keep in touch, I'll do this or that" knowing that they likely legally won't have to - which is h*** o* the birthparents. Just be upfront. If you can't take a child with major needs, then don't. If you can't take a child where the parents want updates, then don't.

My grandparents fostered and my mom says even now she wonders about some of the kids that went back and they never heard from again. If you get into fostering, make sure your girls get whatever assurances or resources they need to, especially if they are likely to have several foster siblings for short times.

So...good luck and thank you for giving a child a family.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I don't have any direct experience with this, but I believe that there are certain cases where the child is already legally able to be adopted, even if they are in foster care.

So perhaps you could ask your caseworker to only place foster children that are already eligible for adoption with you (and not any children that the Bio connection has not yet been severed).

Best of luck to you!! You and your Hubby sound like amazing people, I hope you find a beautiful little boy to cherish.



answers from San Francisco on

I have had two close friends adopt through the state.
The first family stated exactly what they wanted and within two years had two healthy children given to them a year apart, a boy and a girl.
The second family stressed more about being chosen because of their own health problems. The child they were placed with had a major heart defect and has already had three open heart operations. I think it was considered a foster adoption but because the bio mother abandoned the child at the hospital and did not give her or the father's name, it was pretty certain that the child would become theirs. The actual adoption took a long time. They were given the child when she was five weeks old but it took over a year for the process to be complete. Part of that delay, was the fault of a new social worker.

So my advice would be to think about what you can handle. Because the health concerns for my friend were similiar to her adopted child, the family thought they could handle it...and they are, but it is definitely harder than they thought it would be and they rely on their extended family for a lot of help. Their older daughter is often jealous of the extra time this new little girl needs. But I think it is also their parenting skills. They parent from guilt so their bio daughter takes this guilt and uses it to her advantage.

Meanwhile, my other friend's kids are now 11 and 9. They are very healthy and above grade level.

I would definitely express to the agency that you need to only be placed with a child that has a high chance of being placed for adoption. You have a good reason, your other children do not need the trauma of losing a brother.

Good luck to you!



answers from Las Vegas on

Here foster care is maxed out. So you say you are interested in a boy, well, you may get a call of a brother and his sister because they will not separate the siblings.

My cousin recently fostered with the intention to adopt. The first children she fostered stayed with her for about 3 years before the biological Mother lost her rights and they were eligible for adoption, in which they did do. Since then, since they were still licensed to adopt, they have fostered several children who have been returned to their parents. As mentioned, a brother and sister were fostered, returned to their Mother, who burned the kitchen of the home she finally got, and were returned back to them for fostering again.

The adopted children worked well, however, it did take a lot of work to get them caught up. They spent nearly everyday with tutors and therapists. The older of the two still struggles, however, did receive all A's and the little boy is advanced.


answers from New York on

I have no experience with foster - adopt (hope you find some who does)
just wanted to say if I could do things differently I would have involved my bio children more in the process. I was afraid if things didnt work out it would be too traumatic for them. But it took my daughter a long time to bond with her little brother so I wish I had involved her more, taken her on visits. Maybe talk a lot about adoption, read books about adopting, then you could just say this child will be living with you for a while and let them know it is not a a set in stone that he will be adopted by you. Good luck!



answers from Cumberland on

You forgot to ask about how to go about trading them in when they are teenagers-and getting them back after they have been college educated and produced a grandchild!
Both scenarios are very difficult-adopting a small child as opposed to and infant-you don't know what you getting-or getting a foster child and maybe handing him back over to his bio parents. Best of luck-and God bless.

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