8 Year Old Needs to Be More Responsible

I agree that she sounds overwhelmed and may need help sorting it out and starting from scratch. This can be something you can do together and maybe even have a few good laughs while doing it. Remove what is no longer worn, get rid of stuff that doesn't fit and toss what's broken. Keep only what's worth keeping and what you can reasonable get and keep organized.

A visit to the container store, Target or Walmart for some fun new storage ideas (hooks, bins, closet organizer, etc) may entice her to be neat. Let her pick out a few things so she takes pride in her room. Also maybe consider rearranging it to give it a fresh look for her that she'll be proud of and want to keep clean.

Also, I don't know what age is appropriate - but would you be comfortable having her do her own laundry while you supervised? This may entice her to not toss the clean items in with the dirty since it'll cause her more work.

Good luck and here's hoping it's just a phase.

I have an 8 year old daughter as well. She will allow her room to become paths to her bed and back....even after a deep cleaning. One day I told her I would clean her room my way and gave her one more chance to truly clean her room. Her attempt was very poor, so the next day I took a black garbage bag, filled it up and put it in my attic. She was horrified. I told her she could get her items back if she could keep the remaining items in her room clean. She did. She got her items back. She takes me seriously when I say I am going to clean her room. She knows I mean business. Plus nothing is allowed under her bed at all. T. K

This sounds bad...but in order to get my child to pick up his room I told him either he does it or I do.. and if I do I will throw away anything I find out of place. I had to make good on the threat in order for it to work. I brought in a trash bag and started stuffing everything in it!!! He was very upset. I hid the bag in a closet for a few mos. and eventually worked each item back into inventory (so to speak), however the lesson was learned as far as the kids know if mom has to clean the room they could lose valued possesions :) they keep tidy rooms now !!

Seriously, clean her room for her. And take everything that she doesn't NEED out. Toys, teddy's whatever. Maybe leave some books, but only like 3 or 4. If she can keep her room clean for a couple of days, she can "earn" something back for her room.

Maybe it's harsh, I don't know. I only have a 3 y/o and a 9 month old so I haven't had much of this issue - yet. But, even with him - if he throws a toy or steps on it I take it away for the rest of the day. If he rips a book (intentionally), the book is gone.

I think your daughter needs to learn some respect for the material things you provide for her.

Just an idea.

T.

I have one child who likes a clean room and another who, I am amazed that, our "definition" of clean is so different-she can be a tornado. I would start from the beginning - help her clean her room - top to bottom. Dumping stuff, giving away stuff. When winter clothes leave - summer comes in. Give her organizational bins but...not too many. They will become dumping areas. Get her a cork-board, have her make little, daily reminder notes of what you expect - bed made daily, laundry in hamper, stuff neatly in drawers, nothing under bed, etc.... Kid's should take pride in their rooms. Then, at a glance, make sure she stays on top of it. Give her ONE day warning when you are going to "visit her room" to make sure she's keeping up on it. I usually make a thorough search every two weeks. It's an ongoing process. Let her know what the consequences are when she doesn't clean her room. I still dump drawers - can't remember when I've done it last - the kids hate that!. I help my kids if it is more than 3/4 of the way clean. My daughter regularly stays at the 3/4 mark - At times, I've found it's a good time for us to have a casual talk. And she's a teen and I still can stay connected to her room. Good luck.

Is it possible that 9 dresser drawers full of clothes to keep neat is just overwhelming for her?

When my kids get to the point where they are slacking off, we clean house... and i mean we CLEAN HOUSE. I pull out the garbage bags - if they haven't played with it in a year, it goes to goodwill... if they clearly don't fit in something, it goes to good will. if they don't like something in their closet, it goes to good will. My daughter at one point had 27 pairs of jeans..... how the heck this happened I have no idea because I didn't buy her 27 pairs of jeans... that wasn't including capri's, non-jean pants, etc. so our new rule is if we buy something new, something else has to go. They want new shoes, they have to give up a pair to good will. Last summer when I put this rule into place we seriously had 4 black garbage bags FULL of stuff to give to good will... they have 4 dresser drawers. one for shorts and capri's, one for pants, one for socks and underwear and one for jammies. Now at 10 and 12 my girls know that if they do NOT keep them neat, I WILL empty them out on their beds and they will have to put them away to my liking (I'm not extremely fussy about it, but pants need to be folded somehow... not balled up and jammed in - socks need to be matched, underwear doesn't need to be folded... so i really don't believe I am asking a lot here).

So in my opinion, you need to just lessen the load a little.... it is so easy to have too many clothes for kids...

And then, if that doesn't help... stop yelling. you know that it's counterproductive - i still do it sometimes... i'm not proud, but now after i yell I will take a little break and I will go in and apologize for losing my temper. I admit to them that I'm not perfect, and that I really want them to take care of their things or I will give them to somebody who will appreciate it. They don't call my bluff... :)

Also, it's good for them to feel a sense of pride helping those less fortunate, and we go thru their rooms twice a year to thin out their wardrobes and minimize clutter.

Have the same problem with my 7 year old. I organized her room so it would be easy clean up. She never picked up and I found piles of clothes stuffed in the corner of her closet. Instead of me getting mad I finally stopped bugging her. She wants her room messy then let it be but I will not help her find a thing. Her room got so messy I didnt care, I just shut the door when she was at school. I wouldnt let her friends over--it finally got so messy SHE couldnt even stand playing in their. One day as i thought she was playing I went to check on her and she was totally cleaning her room. It worked and from that point on-she cleans right after she is done playing so it never gets that bad again. Now she can even have friends over. As far as her clothes I do sit in their and as i hang her shirts she puts her underwear, socks. shorts ect in her draw. Good Luck

Have you tried using a resposibility chart? In time the child will not need the chart, but this way she is visually able to see and it is posted what she is doing and what she is not. In order to receive credit for the chore...it has to be done the right way. Another thing is money. Everyone loves money$$!!! Break down chores and pay her for each chore done the RIGHT way or a daily/weekly/or even monthly allowances may help. Providing an allowance is a great educational tool. This way she can learn to: manage money, learn about cost, make choices, and gain appreciation for things she has bought. I would talk with others, such as friend and relatives about how much they give thier children before setting a dollar amount. Another suggestion is to use night outings maybe once a month a friend and her can go to the movie, an over nighter with some friends, or a trip to the mall and maybe a new outfit--if she completes her chores. Anyway...hope this can help. Good luck!!

Hi L.,

All children want more easy, fun time with their parents. Sounds as though you could both benefit from doing this job together. I know, I know, she SHOULD be able to do this on her own. But clearly she cannot or does not want to. So help her out by doing it with her. This involves both of you in the room, let her pick out some music she likes. And then you break it all down into steps. "Which would you rather do put away sweaters or socks?" If she takes socks you take sweaters. For every small task there is to do give her a choice between two of them and you take the other one. Talk about her friends, her school, your memories from childhood. Keep it sweet and easy, no lectures. Make this playtime and quality time you have together. Praise her for all her hardwork and each job she does (even if it isn't perfect). If it's a job the two of you make a tradition out of doing then it will be fun for her and she'll look forward to it. Well, she might not look forward to it but she won't hate it so much, there will be less yelling and crying and her room will be clean. And by breaking it down into smaller steps she'll know what to do when she's a freshman in high school and asked to do it by herself.

Clearly she's overwhelmed by the job and just shuts down rather than clean. I'm exactly the same way! I know you don't think she should be overwhelmed and that you've given her the tools and made it very clear to her what's expected and how to do it. She simply lacks the motivation either because she doesn't have it naturally or is too overwhelmed by it. I truly believe if you both do it together you'll have a much more peaceful household.

Good luck,
E.

We all go up to the bedrooms after dinner, get them bathed and then we all put the laundry away together. We have a 4,7 and 9 year old, two boys and a girl. We play games when putting the clothes away. I hand them all of the shirts, pants, and underwear groupings separately from the laundry basket and they each take their own and put them in the correct drawer (most of the time). Then we play football with the sock balls. That is their reward. They get four downs for each sock ball but if they catch the first, second, third or fourth down, it is a touchdown and that pair goes away. If it is not caught then it goes away after 4 anyway. We do this with each pair for each child. They even like to throw our socks to us for our drawers. It's pretty funny to watch them enjoy the sport of it. It takes us about 10-15 minutes to put the stuff away but while one plays football the other two are reading or being read to by the other parent. They seem to like that we do it as a family. She may just like to have everyone else around when she does the work and see everyone else doing the same work and having fun together.

since you've already gotten some advice/suggestions that sound a lot like what i was going to say, i think all i have to add is that if she can only find her winter coat in june then that's what she gets to wear.
i would also just limit the amount of clothes. ie, if you do laundry once a week, give her 7 of everything (or 3-4 pants, 7 shirts, etc) and that's it. if she can't find anything, she wears what's on the floor or dirty. if she doens't like wearing dirty things, she'll put away her laundry. or ask you to teach her how to do it!! lol
that said, i would keep a few things in MY closet for her for when we have to go somewhere important - church or whatever - and give it to her to wear there and then take it back from her as soon as we got home.

same with the toys. don't take them away as punishment, just take away the stuff that you stepped on when you went in to tuck her in (get her up, whatever). don't make it a big deal, just say something like - hey, i don't like having sore feet, and i'm tired of buying you new stuff for birthdays and whatnot only to come in and find it on the floor getting trashed. if i come in and step on it in the course of regular walking, i'm taking it.
it's not a debate, and if she tries to argue, don't engage with her. just shrug and remind her you're just stating your opinion and the consequences. if she doesn't want her stuff taken, she has to take care of it, at least to the extent that YOU are not being hassled by it.

and yeah, we ALL deal with this!! :D

You already have a lot of responses and I have not read them all. I wanted to tell you though that I was your daughter when I was younger and it was a contant issue for my mom that I didn't keep my room clean. When I did clean I would throw everything under the bed and when my mom put a trundle bed under the bed so that I couldn't do that anymore I then started throwing everything into the closet. I only had one dresser and a closet. However, I could usually find anything I needed, which frustrated my mother even more.

I don't know what caused this messiness in me, I think that I just had better things to do. I was a straight A student, I played 2 sports starting in 5th grade, I was in the band, I was in clubs, etc. Cleaning my room was not a top priority for me. I do remember at one point my mom decided to redo my room and I got to pick out the paint color. This was an incentive for me to clean up my room (I was about 12 I think). When I was older my mother wouldn't let me go out with friends until my room was picked up, that was an incentive for me. I also had times where I felt a need to do a deep clean and my room would be spotless and organized for about a day. But I needed to come to these things on my own, not forced into it by my mother.

I can tell you that my house is usually fairly neat and clean now. I have a toddler so we stress the clean part and work on the neat as often as possible. My dorm room in college was usually neat and clean although the drawers in my wardrobe were not labelled and the clothes were not organized, but they were in the drawers or hung up.

Perhaps your daughter just has a different way of organizing than you do and neatness is not as high of a priority for you. She is only 8, so she is probably still developing her organizational skills. If it is truly her room, let her do what she wants with it and have a sense of control over the space. My guess is that she will get sick of wearing a winter jacket in June and become inconvenienced with not being able to find things and will change her pattern. But maybe not, they may not be important things to her. My guess also would be that she will never pick up your exact pattern. I think by pushing her to fit into your pattern you are only going to create frustration for both of you. I definitely don't see how it is worth screaming and crying over.

Good Luck,
D.

I think this is a control thing and is developing into a bad interaction between the two of you. I would let it go. Discuss it with her and maybe help her with it but don't get into an argument with her about it. It isn't that important. Developmentally, she may not be ready for this. We all want our children to do what they are told but that is really for us, not for them. There are some great parenting books out there such as "Smart Love" or "Unconditional Parenting" that can really help. There are other areas in life that are probably more important and that for safety etc you have to set limits on. I would concentrate on those. You may also want to talk to her more about why if you ask her to put away whatever, she avoids doing it. having a rational, non judgemental conversation will get you further than trying to control and yelling. nothing good comes from yelling - not for her and not for you. It also stresses you out.

You've had so many responses I can't read them all, but I think I have a different perspective. Your kid may be a slob. Some people are. It's no great virtue to be really neat and organized - sorry, you may have heard that, but it's a lie. If anything relating to room cleaning is going on every day, then you are being obsessive. I have a few slobs among my kids too, but it is my experience that if they really want clothes, they will find them and make sure they are in the laundry.

Eight years old is not old enough to just "clean your room" on her own. If it truly is disgusting and you can't stand it, try this: think about priorities - what bothers you the most? - and address just that, not the entire room. I use a strategy with my kids (5 girls, lots of stuff): do big things first and then the rest will not seem too bad. For instance, first straighten out bedding. Next find all dirty clothes and put in laundry. Then go on to smaller things. Make sure you can vacuum enough of the floor to walk on. Then if you have to stop, you've at least done enough to make the place civilized. I absolutely recommend working with kids, even teenagers, to show that it's everyone's responsibility, a family thing.

I have no idea why people would talk about punishment for this. What's the offense? Not being neat? Puh-leeze. Punishment should be saved for things that matter. This just does not.

Any contest of wills at this age is a mistake. It's already too late for that level of control. She's a person in her own right. She may be testing you - show her that you too are reasonable and only care about what really matters.

Just a thought...have you helped your daughter to clean her room and put her clothes away so she understands what to do? That helped with my daughter - doing it with her a few times and each time having her do more and me do less. It can be overwhelming until they understand how to break it down into smaller pieces.
Good luck!

I can relate. I have four boys. My 12 year old is very neat and organized, but he drives his brothers crazy, trying constantly to straighten things up. He will take his 15 year old brother's books,and papers, which are usually scattered on the table and place them into neat little piles. My 15 year old gets extemely irrated by this because he can't always find where they were placed. My other two boys are 9 and 5 and usually will fold clothes and make their bed if they have incentives. I try to offer them little rewards at the end of the day or week. I use to keep a chart for them, but that became too time consuming. Some of the rewards I give them are just taking them to a movie or out for lunch over the weekends. Sometimes, they enjoy just one on one time with just me or my husband, playing a board game or a favorite story or going for a bike ride. I will say, however, that if I ever skip the incentives they start to slack off and get sloppy again.

Close the door and walk away. Do not buy anything else and let her deal with what she has. This may sound awful, but she has no respect for you, the rules or herself. Let her wear a winter coat on a cool day for a sweat jacket. She is old enough to be takin care of her room. I have, before, taken all the clothes away I find om the floor. My daughter now keeps her floors clean, washes her own clothes, irons her jeans and puts things away neatly. It is a phase, but now is the time to stop helping her. I know it is hard and we want the best for them, but sometimes they need to learn life's lessons the hard way, for them and us. We even came down to, we take the door off her room so she couldn't hide in it. That stopped the lying. Remember you are the parent and they do love discipline no matter how much they complain. Once my daughter started taking care of her room, she got her door back and she got the room of her dreams, leopard theme. The coolest room in the house. She is now 14. God Bless!

Most kids that age can't do things without being supervised. I would stand over her and direct her when she's cleaning. If she doesn't do what you have said then she will need to suffer consequences. You didn't mention any consequences other than yelling. After nine years in a classroom, I can tell you they could care less if you yell. Real consequences for not doing what she has been asked it the only thing that will work.

When you ask her to put her clothes away, hand them to her in small batches...like just her shirts and then check on her. Then hand her the pants, the shorts, her underwear and so forth. After each trip check to make sure she put them away.

My daughters have to clean their room each night before they go to bed. The go upstairs, change in to their jammies, and then pick up their room. All toys have to be put away, clothes in the hamper, books on the shelf and so forth. My husband checks behind them and then they read some stories before lights out.

They are not given a choice. After awhile they will realize that you will check on them and that they don't have a choice.

My girls are only five and three. We have been doing things this way since they could walk. They have to clean up the toy room at the end of the day everyday. They have to pick up puzzles when they are done. With constant supervision, and consistent consequences they do get it.

You won't have to do it forever, but they will learn you mean business. Unless you make it known with your own actions how serious you are, they won't care and they won't do....it is natural. She's normal that's for sure.

Sometimes the task is overwhelming for young children--it was for me at that age. Modeling is a great teacher. Clean the room along side her showing her how to do it. Make it a fun girl thing. Then maybe have her help you in your room. ;-)
Some kids learn better by hands on & showing them how to do the task. I wish I would have done this with my girls. My oldest is back home again and her room looks like you describe your daughter's, at times, and she has 20 years on your daughter. When I work alongside my girls, things go smoother than challenging their work. I did take more time with my son and he does a better job than the girls. Sometimes we expect that girls automatically know how to do it and boys don't so we help them more. GOD BLESS YOUR EFFORTS!

L.:

Maybe that could be one of her chores where she would get paid an allowance. It might not seem like work if she gets something in return for her efforts. :)

J. T

It is difficult to parent, my 12 year old as well as my 7 year old have the same problem. It's hard not to get frustrated. With my 7 year old, I don't think that she is old enought to do it alone. So I help, give her tasks as we go throught things. She feels good at accomplishing things. Sometimes I make a list and we draw a line through things as we finish them.

I've also had to deal with coming home from work and finding her room a mess because friends were over and mixed up all the toys! So now, I don't let her play in her room with more than one friend and make sure to tell her to play with one thing at a time and put things away when done. It doesn't always happen but I am happy when it does.

I take my daughters favorite thing away from her, the TV until her room is done the way it should be kept for an 8 year old. Yes she would cry and scream but I didn't care. My daughter used to get so mad at me that she would empty all her drawers out of the middle of the room and of course this would make me angry since we just picked the whole thing up the week before. I told her you are taking the hard way and this is your choice. Eventually she understood and thank goodness it is back to peace and a picked up room.
Good Luck!

Hi L.. I have a 9 year old and whoo...I understand! Take what I have to say into consideration, yet I don't have any step-by-step advice...

1. Try to sort out what is a behavior issue (defiance or not doing what you ask) and what is her not liking to clean her room. This will give you an idea of how to handle the situation.

2. My sister had to remind me to keep hormones in mind (yes, already!). It seemed early to me, but my daughter is showing pre-pubecent(sp?) signs. Hormones could be contributing to her behavior.

3. Trust your instincts--we moms have great ones!

Although my 9 year old gets very frustrating I try to hold back in lashing out--it just seems to negatively affect her self esteem. And, really I can see our relationship is better when I can talk to her and help her understand rather than yell. The end is the same--the means might affect your relationship and her long term.

Hope this helps...good luck

I'm no therapist, but this seems to represent how she feels in her life right now. She might feel as if things are in disarray and a bit out of control. Her room (along with her eating habits) are the things she can control. She might feel as if the rest of her life is out of control, so she's taking over on the room thing.
Have you tried a sticker chart with some nice rewards for earning a certain number of stickers? I found that my 8 year old thrived on this. Or maybe an allowance based on the chore of keeping her room neat? Make the reward something she can't refuse. Maybe make up some coupons that offer your help for a certain number of minutes and give her a few coupons she can use when she feels overwhelmed.
Good luck to you.

We have this exact problem with my 8 yr old daughter as well. Somehow, we never have socks and whenever she has to put something away, it ends up in the basket to get washed again.

Honestly, I just put it away myself. We keep losing socks, but I know where her clothes are and her playclothes are in a drawer that she can do what she wants as long as no good clothes get in it(most are not folded). I feel like clothes are too expensive to be torn up or lost.

So it doesn't feel like she won or I enable her, I give her other jobs to do...She takes out garbage and recycling, vacuums the stairway, walks the dog numerous times a day and helps clean her brother's room (because for some reason she likes putting his toys away).

So I would suggest finding something equally helpful to have her do and then you just put her laundry away. Sometimes giving in a little just to keep the peace is okay. My daughter just isn't tidy. She can manage other tasks well though. Maybe an alternate will work for you...

Maybe you should make her completely responsible for herself, so she can figure it out. If all she has is a winter jacket to wear when it's only slightly cool out then that's the jacket she should wear. Once she gets too warm or she sees all of the other kids in light jackets, she'll keep better track of her light jacket. Have her start washing her own clothes, then less will find their way into the hamper. Giver her chores around the house to earn money and start having her "buy" her own clothes (you can charge her less than what you actually pay for them, but at least she has some sense of the value of things).

I would give in one more time and help her reorganize her room. Then everyday tell her she can't play with her friends until her chores are done and her work inspected by you.

I think our kids have far more things than we had growing up and they tend to take things for granted. If we give them more responsibility they will appreciate what they have.

Good luck!

I hav twin daughters - almost 11 now, and have been battling something similar, though perhaps not as severe. I was at the point of not allowing any friends to come over due to the clutter in their room, and their stuff all over the house. But I never demanded them to clean it. If they want a friend over, I say "sure, as soon as the house is picked up". There have been times where it gets done, but then it's too late for the friend to come over. In that case one of them will usually say that they did all this cleaning "for nothing". I just say something like - "it's not nothing - look how nice this room looks. we can still enjoy it". i also commend them when they do anything - however small - that I notice. It's taken a long time, and the house is still fairly cluttered - but now they know I mean it when the house has to be picked up before a friend can come over, and they do it - though not always happily. What I found odd was that in second grade one daughter was helping to clean out and organize other's desks in the classroom - I was shocked, and asked why she didn't do the same at home, and her response was something like "because at school it's fun". Now my daughters get an allowance based on doing certain chores (like feeding the cats), and it has helped them overall to be more reponsible. But all this didn't happen until they were 9 -10.
Maybe you could ask her how she wants her drawers labelled, or where she wants to put things. As long as it's not a hazard (i.e. blocking the doorway), let her try out what she wants, and offer suggestions. Commend her when things look nice. As she gets older and wants to wear certain things - she will need to know where they are, and if she doesn't, she caused her own consequences. If she loses something and wants you to buy something new - don't. Tell her you bought one already, and help her figure out where it might be.
Just a few suggestions - keep trying to make her think, without raising your voice. Good luck!

She is 8 years old so and maybe instead of screaming about the situation -Punishment is a must. I punished my kids the old fashion way "The corner" and it worked.

Teach her the roll technic which it something I taught my sons and it also keeps the clothes neat inside the drawer. It is easy for them to do.

Tell her that if she keeps her room clean she gets to ask to do 1 thing that is rewarding to her.
Do this weekly so that it start her up into good cleaning habits.

Do a chart and put it on a wall and put Stickers to praise or X for not satisfy - The Stickers if equal a certain amount of days at the end of the month gets her a prize.

Good luck!!!

Thank you for the edit, update. I hear you. I have three girls and my oldest (10) puts away her own clothes. She has a different system than I do, but she can find what she wants to wear, so I don't complain too much. I only ask her to empty her laundry basket of all clean and folded clothes sooner rather than later.

My younger two (7 & 5), aren't as neat to put it kindly. They also share a room, which makes it tougher to determine whose toys belong to whom. I either put away their laundry or seperate their laundry into different piles that they put away in the proper drawers. I help them more with the clean up too, which angers my older girl. But, older girl is finally beginning to understand that the older you get, the more responsible you're supposed to be. Younger kids need more help.

It sounds like your daughter still needs some help in that area. Some kids just don't know where to start when it comes to cleaning (my two younger are like that - they are getting better, but I have to help them). It's extra work for you, but I think it will pay off in the long run.

Hello L., First some background.I was a single mom from when my son was in 2nd grade until he was in 4th grade. I worked two jobs, so housekeeping became both of our responsibilities. I don't know if this will help you, but we made it into a game (I know it sounds preschoolerish, but I was racking my brains on how to get a lot done in so little time.) We would time ourselves on whatever task it was, not from heavy handed competition, but so we could understand how long a cleaning/organization project works. We started small. Now, into the bedroom which was a total disaster. I see you've already done this - I labeled the drawers with knobs I found at Target (socks, shirts and whatnot.) Then we would sort the laundry together and throw it at each other to see who could match up socks, outfits, sheets, etc. Once those piles were organized, we would fold and than open the appropriate drawers and play toss the items into the drawers...and yes, a neatening process would happen after that step. Since he is a boy, we did not have much that went on hangers, but now that he is 14 he prefers to hang all his clothes so they don't get wrinkly. Toys always had to remain on shelves unless they were being used, we had a small apartment and stepping on Lego's is an excrutiating experience. While he and his friends would play, they always had to leave a roadway for mom. I am not sure how it happened, but he started to take pride in cleaning our apartment (Luckily at that age he was not interested in allowance yet.) We had a budget, but I would buy inexpensive cleaning aids that were his and his alone. His favorite was the swiffer cuz it was easy. He would swiff and than sweep the residuals in with his own dustpan and broom. Also, before they started advertising it, we would wet the swiffer cloths. I digress a bit, going back to the bedroom did remain a mom and son activity for awhile because I made it fun and kept stressing A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE as that makes it ever so much easier for us to find our stuff. It didn't take too long, but he finally got into the hang of it on his own as it helped him feel proud of his accomplishment and that he didn't need mom to help. As he got older he moved on to more complex taks and started receiving an allowance. But, even at your daughters age, an earned reward system may help, like maybe thre are toys or fancy shoes or a meal in a restaurant (depending on budget, of couse) that the two of you can discuss beforehand as to what activity merits what kind of reward. This is goung to take a LONG Time most likely and drive both of you nuts and I don't want you to feel like now you have even more work to do, but on the upside I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and gopefully it can be fun and some goog girl time. The yelling never helped me either and yes, my son was very resistant in the beginning. Anyway, they will be wilfull as they establish their own identity and frankly, it is a pain in the tuchus. I hope some of this information helps you at least a little bit. Take care and hang in there as there are more battles to come.
Sincerely, S. Jamesse, Evanston, Illinois

I just heard this one last night, "In our family we take pride in how our house looks." Instill this as a value of your family, and you of course also can comment on your activities, "See how I'm washing the floor, that's because in our family we take pride in how our home looks."

I have an 8 year old as well, and it sounds familiar to have these 'battles'. When my son doesn't obey, I give him three chances, then take away privileges: I take away his favorite toys, don't take him to the park after school, no tv time, etc.
When he sees that there are consequences to his decisions to disobey, he responds pretty well (most of the time :D).
Good luck!

Wow, I hear you loud and clear!! My 7 & 9 year old boys just got in big trouble for the drawers and thier room. I didn't yell, I cleaned thier room and grounded them for 3 days. No computer, no playing outside, no tv, just chores and books. We have new rules. I now refuse to fold thier laundry, it is now part of thier chores. They have to do thier chores everyday before they can play. Chores are bed made, room straightened, laundry put away, dirty laundry brought to laundry room and bathroom straightened and wiped down. These chores take less than 15 minutes and then whatever laundry they have to fold! I don't scream and yelll, I talk calmly and and emotionless. I save the yelling for when I need them to really know they screwed up! This has made a big difference. I also have them believing that if they argue with me or lie about chores being done, I will take or dock them allowance!
They will respect themselves and you more if they see you doing the same as you expect them to! Save your chore time to be the same as hers so you are both in the same area cleaning your rooms!
Hope this helped, I have lots of ideas and kind of all over the place today...sorry!

I had similar problem with toys. So i told them if you can't take care of them i would give them to the poor. One day while they weren't home i took some put them away where they couldn't see where i put them . Once they realized i was seriou they started putting things away. tell her if this is how she treats her stuff she doesn't need new stuff. educate her on cost and taking care of things. spend calm quiet time discusss this not when your all excited about it.

Well, I have not read all the responses, but here is my perspective.

My parents could have written that post. I was your child. I can tell you that I was not defiant, I was not a bad kid, it was not a control issue. I was not lazy. I simply did not know where to start and didn't know how to only do 1 thing at a time.

I struggle with this to this day and I am 40. My husband gets frustrated, I get frustrated. I can do the deep clean, or the organization, I can swear I will do better, I will try to put everything away, it doesn't matter, somehow it gets all cluttered anyway. I have 2 kids and my son is more like his father, my daughter is a mini-me. (Which of course drives me crazy and she is exactly to the tee like your daughter, only she's 5.)

I also have a nephew who has some severe sensory integration issues. My sister has done extensive research on sensory integration and her research has led her to know that everyone has some sensory area that is "deficient." We just learn to cope with it. She calls it the "tag on your back." (You know how irritating it is when a tag gets your back?) Well for some people visual clutter is actually SUCH an issue that they simply tune it out. And once it is bad enough that they DO see it, it's way too late to do a quick fix. Then it is overwhelming. I would imagine that's the case with your DD. I know it is for me.

I would invite you to shift your thinking from being angry because it's not doing you any good, and instead look at ways that you can truly help your daughter learn to cope with this. I'm sure she is just as disappointed in herself as you are. Kids generally want to please their parents. Imagine how devestating it is for her to constantly dissapoint you.

What you're doing and have done hasn't worked, so it's likely not going to. (Forty years of experience tells me that's true.) Instead consider talking to an occupational therapist about visual discrimination issues and things that you can do to help her. (It also could be an auditory discrimination issue since you're giving her a verbal direction, "go put your socks and underwear away" and she isn't doing it.)

Also consider having her chores be something that she IS good at. Maybe putting away her laundry isn't something that she's really really not clear on what to do...she loses it in translation so to speak. Instead, if it keeps the peace, put the clothes in her drawer and let her be in charge of doing the dishes, vaccuuming the living room, whatever. You would not ask a child in a wheelchair to dust the high shelves, right? Because they can't do it. (Yes, if it was super-important to you that they dust they high shelves, you might modify that and give the child in a wheelchair a very long duster...so you can modify the things your daughter needs to do, like standing there and watching her do things, if you feel that putting away her laundry is that important.)

She is going to have to learn coping skills to overcome this. You can either let her struggle to figure those out or you can try different things to help her. My mom was no help as she is just like me. My dad was very organized and he couldn't teach me...he just yelled at me for 18 years. It's still a very painful place for me.

Good luck and hug that little disorganized girl. I would almost completely promise you that she's not being defiant.

Try looking at the flylady.net website for their kids section - the House Fairy.

http://www.flylady.net/pages/pam.asp

Makes it fun and motivational for kids to help pick-up and organize their stuff.

take the new clothes away and refuse to buy more for the time being. Or take away another privelage. Try not to yell, that just fuels things. Give her the warning so she knows what to expect, and then don't fight when you have to take action. Maybe it will help??

Between two marriages I have a total of 8 kids. First recommendation? The door stays open. Period. When she's cleaning just walk up to the door and look in. If she's doing what she's supposed, tell her "nice job". If she's not, just clear your throat to get her attention and kind of point into the room. Then walk away. Limit the clothes she has, and if they are hidden away then she wears what she can dig out. That is probably going to be the most difficlut for YOU to deal with. I liked the idea of keeping the dress/nice clothes in your room. I have always done that, just so I know it's clean and we don't go through a huge "where is it" when we're going someplace special.

When she says "I don't have anything to wear", as hard as it might be, simply walk over to the drawer, pull it open and when it's empty tell her "Oh, well, I guess you'll have to look around then." And WALK AWAY.

It may take a while, but I have found that eventually they start to take the hint. I ended up giving up on having socks/underwear in one drawer, t-shirts in another and pants in a third. If it made it INTO the dresser, I was thrilled. So long as the clean, folded clothes didn't end up back in the dirty laundry!

Hang in there, mom!

Try looking for a book or speaking to a counselor on organizational skills. My son was that way guess what he is now 18 and still that way. He is very lazy has been diagnosed with A/D/D . This will follow into school, her locker, and when she drives her car. Really try to fix this now. If you don't you will be like me fighting with an adult to clean his room. GOOD LUCK

I think that you have been living in my house!!!! I have the same problem but I have 4 kids that do this and I do work full time too!!! It is a constant screaming match between all of us. All 4 do the same thing - hide it so that the room looks clean when really it is just shoved somewhere. I have used the same logic if they would just spend that energy putting it away as they do shoving it under the bed or in a corner, the room would be clean. I don't understand it either and my mom doesn't get it either because my brother and I were not like this. I refuse to buy any new clothes/seasonal clothes until the room is clean - so needles to say, my kids have no shorts and t-shirts and have been wearing jeans and long sleeved shirts all summer so far. They just don't care!!! Mine have said some pretty horrible things also and I just casually remind that that it is my job to make their life completely horrible and stop them from having any fun!! HAHA!!!

If you get the magic formula to make them clean up or at least care about their stuff - please share!!

S.

Same thing happens for me.

Here's what you do: stand over her for EVERY chore you have assigned her and make sure she does it. Period.

If she takes one item at a time back to it's position, slowly, and with great pain, remind her for every minute longer than 20 minutes it takes her to clean up her room, she will have to stand in a corner in front of the entire family with a time-out.

What's very important to follow through on is to praise her repeatedly when she does a good job at the end of the room cleaning. If it is a positive expeirence, she is far more likely to continue doing it.

S

although 8 seems like an age where kids should be responsible enough to clean their room - in some kids it just isn't. The skills to organize and be motivated to clean up isn't always there at this age yet.

I'm not sure how you have showed her how to clean or if you have even done this in the past...but sometimes it takes a while to understand and learn the concept of organization. She may be a slower than normal learner when it comes to this and her actions are really showing you that she doesn't really "know" how to organize properly. Sometimes it's hard to understand how something so easy, would be hard for a child...but it can.

When teaching my older daughters and also my soon to be 8 year old daughter, I took the time to help them everytime they cleaned their room. I don't mean doing it for them while they watched..but helping them.

There are always two scenarios...1) their room is so out of hand, the thought for a young child to even begin to sort all that out and organize is such a HUGE task and they don't know where to begin. (This is a touch situation for even a seasoned adult to tackle, let alone a young child). In this instance- I DO actively engage in helping. But we talk it out together while we are cleaning. We take an area and start organizing. all the miscellaneous things get put in a pile in the middle of the room. Once the edges are cleaned we start in the pile and one by one, put those things where they belong. Before you know it the room is clean and they feel that they accomplished something...and the help in this situation is greatly appreciated, and you also helped them mentally learn how to organize things.
Scenario #2- The room is relatively clean, but a few things have come out of organization including clothing not put away. I have found this to work wonderfully in my house. I would give them SPECIFIC little tasks to accomplish. For instance if there are barbies laying out, I would tell my daughter- "Find all your barbies and put them in the middle toy box where they belong". (notice that I specifically remind her where they belong) I walk away and do something else. She would do it and then ask.."Now what?" as I pass her door. Then I would look around and notice some other things out of place and say for example- "Ok, good job, now pick up your books that are on the floor and place them nicely on your book shelf" She would then accomplish the smaller task and then ask again what needs to be done. I know it sounds a bit time consuming to do it this way, but if it is done in SMALL increments it is a LOT easier for a younger child to finish a small task, than a larger task. It is also a way that you are "helping" without physically helping on a DAILY basis! This should be done every night to keep her room organized, so hopefully it won't get to option #1 that would require a lot of your help.

Another thing is rewards. Kids that age like rewards. They probably won't respond as well to taking more drastic measures like removing the clothing away as to getting rewards for taking care of them. Sticker chart with a special treat at the end of each week is a good way to have her keep up her room each day. Also give her another responsibiliy around the house. My almost 8 year old daughter has standing chores that are age specific. I think it helps her find her place in the house and makes her realize she is an important part of the "runnings" of our household.
She dusts (because she likes to spray the windex), she organizes the shoes that pile up by the door, she sets the table each night, and she also is in charge of the walls. She likes to get a clorox wipe and wipe down finger prints or any dirt that gets on the walls or doorways. This is all besides keeping her room in decent array. She also helps her older sisters fold and organize the laundry.

Now,my older girls (11 and 12) have standing chores of either dishes and cleaning up after dinner, or washing,folding and putting away the families' laundry. All three are always in charge of picking up their junk that gets strewn about the house every day also.

I personally think it's never to early to have kids help in the house with some age specific chores. My 11 and 12 year olds could keep an entire house clean. Even though they have standing chores of kitchen/dishes and laundry, they also vacuum , mop, wipe down bathrooms, and dust from time to time as well. (when helping me out on a large scale)

I am proud of the fact that my kids know how to do things and have the skills to take care of a house. I know way to many adults that barely know how to turn on a washing machine or how to wash dishes by hand. That is just crazy!

Sorry I got off track....to sum it all up, I think she is still a bit to young to take on a task that large without more POSITIVE (no yelling) help on your part. Even if you have done the whole organization thing a month ago, you need to help her in small steps on a DAILY basis to keep things going. She'll pick up on it and learn and before you know it, she will be cleaning the house.

Ohh...BTW- I don't give allowance to my kids. I tell them that we all live in this house, and these "chores" are just a part of living in this house. I buy them their clothes and pay for the extra's like the cell phone etc. Those are the perks they get for being a contributing part of the household. If they stop doing chores or keeping up their room, I'm not so easily swayed to purchase things they ask for...and they know why right away - They aren't contributing to the household.

Hope it helps - stay positive and don't give into yelling so soon. Your job is to teach her- not just expect her to know how to do things like an adult.

I've just joined this site through a friend who sort of signed me up, and wasn't sure what to think of it all...then I read your post and couldn't believe how similar it sounds to many of our episodes! I have a 9 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. My daughter also hates cleaning her room. She is a great kid most of the time, but when it comes to rules and chores, well she thinks they shouldn't apply to her. Right now most of her things are in boxes in our garage, partly due to us getting new floors and having to remove everything, and partly because she cannot keep her room clean with the few things that are in it! She also does the clean clothes in the hamper thing. That drives me nuts!! Sometimes I charge her a quarter for every clean item I find in there. Her actions have made my husband and I realize that she has become very spoiled, with things and by not having to help around the house. So now, she has a few chores she has to do everyday before doing anything fun (playing with friends, using the phone, watching tv...)Cleaning her room is on the list everyday and so far it's been going well. It's not earth shattering what we've done (though she'd tell you differently) and many parents probably have their kids doing chores from a much younger age, but it seems to be working. Her room is staying neat and I'm getting more help around the house. I realize that I haven't really given any advice here, but I thought it might help to know that you're not alone:) 8/9 is a hard age. They seem old enough to be very responsible, yet at times they seem like little kids. But, I have a feeling it's only going to get tougher from here!!!:)
J.