6 Year Old Won't Comply

Two thoughts...one is an "old time" remedy...a few drops of warm olive oil. The other is something I have found works well with my kids...I use the hair dryer on the warm setting and blow it gently into their ear. My daughter wound up with Swimmer's Ear at the end of the summer and this was the only thing that gave her any relief. HTH...

I suspect your daughter is a whole lot like you. I find that the children with whom I get really emotional are the ones who act like me, so when we clash, they hit "all my buttons".

It's hard not to react emotionally, but part of the problem is the result of the clash. She isn't doing what you ask, probably because she's busy playing with a toy or something. Then, when she fails to obey, you take away the toy. It makes sense to an adult, but not to a child. She is trying to be a little more independent, so she is choosing to keep the toy, and the toy gets taken away. That is REALLY FRUSTRATING, hence the tantrums.

So, here's what I recommend. When there is something she needs to do, then she needs to do it. You tell her to do it, and she ignores you because she's busy playing with her toy (or whatever). You tell her you are going to count to 3, and at 3, she must do it. Your count, 1, give the command again, 2, give the command again, and 3. On 3, you simply pick her up, and bring her to the chore, or whatever it is, and then even if you do what you asked her to do, she will have gotten the idea that when you tell her to do something, she puts down her toy and does it. Then you THANK HER, and PRAISE her for doing it, and say, "Now you can go back to your toy !!!"

the idea is to reinforce the behavior you want, not cause behavior you do NOT want to have to deal with. If she is angry, that's fine. Let her take her toy and go to her room. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hurt others with angry behavior. You can even tell her that you understand that she is angry. Tell her it's okay to be angry, but if she can't behave nicely, she needs to go to her room until she can behave nicely. We discipline behavior, not emotions.

By disciplining this way, you are requiring, and forcing actually, the behavior you were trying to get. You will cause some turmoil, and you may get emotionally involved and angry, too, but you are still enforcing and reinforcing the appropriate behavior. She'll get the idea. And by starting at age 6, you will have taught her to obey you before she is old enough that you can't really enforce the behavior.

But, realize that what you are telling her to do, needs to be reasonable. If you are asking her to go to the refrig and get you a soda or something because you are too lazy to stop what you are doing to get it -- then you're the one out of line. (that's just an example) That's a personal request and should be stated as a question, with a please. A behavioral demand may also be stated politely with a please in it, but it is definately NOT a question. Never ask a question, giving your child a choice when you don't intend to give them a choice. Don't say, "Would you please go and do this ?" when you mean to day, "Go do this!" Don't provide a choice of behaviors if you don't intend to.
(since it's a problem right now, I'd probably take the pleases out of commands. You can add them later, when you want to reinforce politeness. What you don't want to do is confuse your daughter. You want her to know when you are offering a choice and when you are requiring a particular response.)

Good luck ! Behaviors like this come in stages -- generally ever other year. We reachout and test our boundaries as we grow up, then we reach a point where we stop pushing, and consolodate our space, to be followed by a year of pushing again. Generally this happens every EVEN year, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and lucky 12, when a girls' hormones also begin to kick in. The good news is that the odd numbered years tend to be a whole lot more fun for parents !!!

So hang in, try to be consistent, try to be sure your discipline reinforces the behavior you want to have occur, and don't get too down on yourself. parenting all day long every day is the hardest job in the world. They hear your voice all day long, so it becomes easy to tune out. But we hear their voices all day long, too, and can tune them out. . . . so try to find times when you can really put everything else down and do something fun together, whether it's a walk in the fall to notice which trees are turning first, and which ones are still green, then walk again to see the changes, or it's a game or puzzle you do together.

Sounds really quite difficult indeed, and good job for looking for some help. Its tricky to help all that much on this site, all we can really do is help give a few brainstorming suggestions, and show you that you aren't alone.

Some of the ideas sound good, except that I wonder if perhaps you can help to stave off your own anger by preparing both of you for transistions from things she is enjoying doing and explaining more to her about what you expect and why?

Its tricky if she's so bright, and good at concentrating, that she's so absorbed in her tasks that she doesn't even hear you at first - that might be worth really considering, and might help you not to get so angry! She's probably not doing her initial ignoring on purpose, she's literally so absorbed, she has trouble tearing herself away. So, not taking that personally might help you to feel more patient - as at that stage, I really doubt she's doing anything on purpose. So, it might help to go up to her, touch her shoulder gently and tell her you are going to leave in a few minutes. Say something like - as much as you know she is enjoying herself, she's going to have to stop shortly. Explaining why, and that she can do this activity again later, but you have to go for a car ride to the store etc.

It might help to try making the next step somewhat interesting, playing games on the way to the car - who can get there fastest etc? Let's go see what toys are in the car to play with on the way etc? Perhaps if you concentrate on trying to proactively address the issues from her perspective, you might not get into quite so many battles of wills in the first place.

Sometimes of course they can't be avoided, and in those situations, being as calm and sympathetic to their 'pain' is really the best way forward. Try to remember kids of these young ages really have trouble knowing what they can come back to later, they have very little in-built patience, and really it does seem like a huge big deal to them that you are taking them away from their beloved activity - they just have no idea when they might get that feeling of enjoyment back, and they want to hang on to it! Being able to empathise with her perspective, and understanding why she acts the way she does, can just really help you to not take things so personally, which can in turn help you to be less angry.

It may also help to ask your husband to help you find some more time to yourself, to do something which helps you to wind down and find your center again - maybe a nice warm bath, a cup of cocoa and a good book, exercise, a yoga class or some meditation etc. Its hard work looking after kids 24/7!

Good luck, and definitely if these suggestions aren't hitting the spot, do think about family therapy, their ideas may be more useful, as they will hopefully be able to see all sides of the behaviours!

I wish my mother had thought to address her tendency to get angry about 'normal' childhood things when we started in similar patterns. These days we don't really get along, because she still just cannot empathise with other people's perspectives, i see her as a control freak and someone I'd frankly rather not be around very much. I know this hurts her, but its really something I feel that she created throughout my childhood, and I'm upset with her for punishing me, for being me, and for putting too much pressure on me as the eldest of 4 kids.

Its worth trying so that you can be good friends with your daughter in later years. You are doing far more than my mother ever did, by realising there's a bit of a problem and asking for help!

Namaste,
A.

You have gotten a lot of advice, so i'll keep mine short. i taught first grade in Baltimore City for 7 years and dealt with a lot of non compliance issues. the first step I always took was giving the child a "heads up" first, that I'll need them to do something in a few minutes. An example would be be ,"In five minutes, I need you to clean up your toys" or "In one minute, I need you to come to the table." Set a timer for her to get used to how long a minute or five actually is. Children are very self centered at this time and do feel that what they are doing is the most important. It's the "look at me stage". Just a bit of what worked for me. I use it with my 2 year old two, so he knows that his diaper will be changed soon and not just disrupting his activity and getting us both upset, for example. Good luck, 6 years olds are tough little people sometimes!!

Hi C.,

First, I'd like to commend you for asking for help. I know that you know that reacting the way you do only reinforces her behavior. Somehow you need to be able to learn to stay calm yourself before you can expect your daughter to. Think of her as a mirror of you. Demonstrate to her the behavior you want her to have. I'm not saying it will be easy and the results will not be immediate. Don't give up though. Remember, you cannot expect her to have emotional control if you do not (I do not say this with any hurtful intent at all.) Here's something you might try: whenever you start to feel your own anger bubbling up, say in your mind, "Cancel" until the feeling subsides. Also, I would not hesitate to look into counseling for both of you. So many people get counseling these days and it can be so beneficial.

Please stay in touch.
Blessings,
K.
www.joyfulconnections.net

I think there's definitely something about the age. I know this summer was a struggle with my 5 and 7 year old daughters, particularly in the area of being respectful. I think they had learned some phrases and behaviors from peers (not blaming - it's just a result of kids being together), and while they're not the type to try it out at school, they certainly did at home. Consistency and consequences are definitely important, and you may have to figure out the best consequence for your daughter. I know two of mine hates time outs or being sent to her room, while the other doesn't mind that but hates to have toys, etc. taken away. You'll have to find the best "currency" for your daughter.

I can totally relate to feeling like you can't help but react, as I've done that myself, but of course we need to try to stay as calm and controlled as we can while still addressing the behavior. One thing that I think helps with that is dealing with the initial poor behavior adequately rather than just saying something but not really addressing it and then the whole situation can escalate. I know a single warning and then responding with a consequence helps me feel more in control than if I continue to warn/threaten over and over before doing the time out, etc. Your frustration just naturally builds with each time your warning is ignored.

Also, try to concentrate on positive behaviors as well as negative ones. This summer I made up a behavior chart for my girls, with a list of about 12-15 things that are expected behaviors. Some were simple (put clothes in the hamper, put trash in the trash can, etc.) and others tougher (being respectful). Each day they got either a check or an X for each behavior. Then we had a reward system set up so they could earn special things for good behavior (like 20 points for a special treat, 30 for extra one-on-one snuggle time, 60 for a movie night, etc.). The girls really liked the system and by making some things easier to comply with than others they always felt like the were making some progress towards a desired goal.

I know it's frustrating, but hang in there. I think it's really important to address these flare ups in behavior at younger ages (2, 6, whatever) because they're laying the groundwork for the even tougher teenage years. The better you handle things and make your child know you're in charge now, the better chance you have of doing it later. Good luck.

I agree consistency is key. I also know that you simply must put your foot down be the bottom line and follow through. Your daughter is old enough now to explain to her that as much as you love her you are the boss and she will comply if she wants ANY priveliges, i.e. soccer, dance class, toys etc.

I also think that the MOST IMPORTANT tool in discipline is positive reinforcement. You have to find the good things and excessively praise them in the beginning. Until she gets to love the feeling of hearing you say "Oh! Darling I am soooo proud of you for putting your shoes on the first time I asked!" or whatever the behavior you want her to do is.

As a at home day care provider I am fully aware that parents do their kids no favors by trying to be nice to them. They have friends to be nice to them. We, as the adults, need to guide them to their own adulthood where they will come across many people who just don't care why or if they are upset about something and we sort of need to take that stance when they are mad about something unimportant. I know it sounds cold but the earlier we start on this The better behaved kids are. We say that kids go through the "terrible two's" but in reality I have found that it is terrible when you start this routine. In my experience it is way easier to do it at 1-2 years old versus 6 year old.

I believe in a "benevolent dictatorship". I wish I came up with the term but I didn't but to explain it in a few words: I want the best for you and in my lifetime I have learned what works best in the world so you will comply to my requests or you will have consequences. To put it so plainly sounds "mean" but I would rather be "mean" to my kids than embarrassed by their behavior.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that this is a normal behavior as some have posted. These are learned behaviors and have become bad habits.

Here is a tried and true method that I have no doubt will work for your daughter. I truly believe it will address and resolve each problem for you (and her). It will sound silly to you to do it, but to a child it's not and they are very receptive to it.

1. Write down "Rules" on a placard or poster of some kind with marker to target these specific issues.
(So, rule #1 could be "Must respect parents and authority"; Rule #2: Must answer when being talked to; #3: No Hitting, kicking or throwing. As a matter of fact, you can add a few more that you would like to see take place in your house ie: taking out the trash or some type of chore.)

2. Sit her down and go over these rules with her

3. Tell her that each time that these rules are followed that she will be rewarded. (Rewarding a child will provide much better results than threatening to take something of theirs away.)

4. Tell her what that reward will be. I don't know if at age 6 money is a big deal. But, for example's sake, if you get a jar and tell her that each time she follows one of these rules a dollar (or a monetary value that works for your budget) goes into her jar. When she does not follow one of the rules a dollar(or 2) gets taken away. At the end of each week, she will receive whatever is in the jar.

5. When she follows one of the rules (you may be surprised, but it will happen) praise her for it and tell her that you're proud of her and then follow-up with adding the dollar in her jar so that she sees you do it.

Children, although hard to believe, like rules. They want to please, but most of the time they don't know how or need guided to do so. You will find that the reward system will work and eventually she will be doing these things automatically because it will be a new learned behavior and will replace bad habits with good ones.

Hope this helps!

Hi, I definetely am no expert with parenting. Below I copied my favorite parenting tip. I do want to encourage you not to make threats that you will not keep this will only cause more trouble. If you say it, mean it or you lose all your authority. IE, if you throw something, you will go to your room. If she throws something then she has to go to her room even if you have to sit in there with her holding her. Don't talk just hold her. Eventually she will know that your no means no. What my husband and I like to do is when we see a consistent behavior come up we come up with a proactive plan together. So the next time the child does it we go straight into our plan then we feel in control.

So the good news is that you are aware that you get emotional back. Come up with your plan right now what can cause you to gain control and not get emotional. Pray, just thinking "I'm not going to get in the boxing ring with her and fight back", think of something funny...

Also if you live close, I would love for you to watch the first session of the DVD called Parenting is Heart Work it has really helped me. It is an eight part series that my church owns. Session one is my favorite and I think it would help you.

We all do the best we can. Be encouraged.
Below is the tip
J.
Parenting Tip

February 22, 2007
Understanding Anger's Five Causes

Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.

1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.

2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.

3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems.

4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.

5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.

Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family. Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.

This parenting tip comes from our book, "Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids."

Something that worked for me was reading the book "1-2-3 Magic". I count to 3 when trying to get my kids to comply to directions, stop inapropriate behavior, etc. This book taught me how to be consistent about it and how to avoid pitfalls when counting (like having discussions during counting). It seems like there wouldn't be much to know about counting to 3 but I was amazed at the results after reading this book. I used to work for a children's behavioral health agency and they recommended this book for the families they counseled.

Another thing to consider is some sort of reward system. Put maybe 5 popsicle sticks in a cup (have a few extra on hand). When she drags her feet on following through with your directions or when she throws tantrums, remove a stick. When she does act appropriately add a stick. If there are any sticks remaining at the end of the day she gets a treat - a sticker, a small toy, an extra story at bedtime, or whatever you deem appropriate. If she responds well to this, you can eventually make it more challenging - she only gets 3 sticks to start with, for example. You can use this together with timeouts, etc. Good luck!

I hate the word "consistency". But that's the word that works.

Your daughter is constantly seeking the reassurance that you, not she, are in charge. If you remain in control (steadfast, not controlling) than she will feel safe, knowing that you are the adult. It is probably freaking her out that you loose control... and then she's wondering, on a primal level, who is going to protect her if there's a real situation.

She's going to be consistent until she starts getting the reaction that makes her feel safe, consistently.

She needs to know how you will react in a situation where you need to protect her. And she will not change overnight like they do in the Dog Whisperer. (that would be a dream!)

I have stepped over my children often as they laid on the kitchen floor, screaming. Neighbors would come see if I was hacking them with an ax or something. We would go to parties where I would stand by my car while my child was in it, having a fit. I don't try to talk to anyone that's in a state of rage. Their social isolation keeps me from becoming a wreck. Ignore, like they're having a seizure. Make sure they're not going to hit their head on something, and stand back.

Keep your head high. Your back straight. Your voice level. Remind yourself that you are the protector, the adult, the queen who protects her subjects and gives them no reason for an uprising. (although if you have a normal child, they'll challenge you!)

You are describing my almost 7 yr old daughter as well as myself. I blame myself in that I don't spend enough alone/quality time with just her as I have a 2 yr old also.
If I do, she will be good for a few days and then right back to it since my 2 yr old needs more of my attention than her. My husband isn't around as often as me so I really don't get much help from him. I think the only answer is to nip it in the bud and let the little things go. I also got an idea from a co-worker to put a timer on and say you got 5 minutes to get dressed and if the timer goes off no tv later or no bicycle, etc. That has helped me alot in getting her ready for school. Oh and one other is positive reinforcement. She is as well as my daughter missing your attention so the more positive comments and hugs here and there, the better off we may be. Now I should heed my own advice!!!! Good luck to you!!

Sounds like a strong willed little girl. Often with this personality type incentives for being good work better than punishment. You may outline some specific expectations and make a star chart with a reward assigned for good behavior. My strong willed little darling and I chose to make pretend money. She earns the money for good behavior, and has to give it back for bad behavior. She must earn enough to buy the things she wants from our store. This works well, is portable, and reinforces math concepts, money understanding, and saving.

My mom is a kindergarten teacher, and I know she has always said that age 6 can be very difficult for parents because it's a time when children really start to test their parents' authority. You might want to look into info about the developmental stages in kids. I think there are books that specifically address age 6. I can fully relate with your dilemma. I too find myself getting so very frustrated with my almost 6 yr old son who sounds so similar to your daughter. Consistency is so very important. Maybe you can sit down and write out her behavior patterns and come up with a plan that you will consistently carry out EVERY time you're confronted with each behavior. This way you can stay strong and calm and take care of business without all the guess-work and emotionally charged reactions. A seasoned mom just told me yesterday that consistency ALWAYS works. I'm doing my best to try this myself, so I'm right there with you. Recently I'm trying to eliminate the discussions with my son when he disobeys. I calmly carry out the consequence and state why. He definitely still fusses and rants, but I'm hoping the consistency will make him realize that I'm not backing down, and if he throws a fit, the consequence will be worse. Good luck!

Its hard to teach your child not to throw tantrums when you throw adult versions yourself! (I know I do this all the time!) How you react when you are frustrated will go far in teaching her how to deal with frustration and anger. However it won't be overnight and it will take time, just as it will take tame for you to overcome your weakness in this area.

The biggest thing that has helped me control my anger is to try and understand the other person when I"m in a difficult situation. If I can restore feelings of love toward that person then I know I will react in a way that will be much more dignified. Its hard but even if you think afterward, this is what I would have changed about how I dealt with that, eventually you'll be able to do that in the moment rather than after the fact.

Also, ask yourself some soul searching questions. Are you asking in a way to invite obedience by asking respectfully? Its not weak to say please can you do this. Giver her a time line she can understand in which you would like her to complete it. Are you shouting from another room? This never works! Narrow the gap between you and her. Get her to look at you so you know she understood the instructions and then get her to repeat what you expect her to do. Praise her for completing the assignment.

Also, ask yourself, Do I accept the way she completes what I ask of her? Are my expectations to high or too low? Be fair to her age and ability.

Find an order of doing things that may work better for her. For example, I can't get my son to do anything after he gets home from school until he eats and drinks first. Otherwise he's a complete mess. We're teaching him to recognize that this needs to happen before he plays or anything.

Despite preventative measures she still may yell and scream. If you've done a check on basic needs, how you've asked etc, and she behaves this way, either turn around and walk off. Don't give her your attention until shes done. As soon as shes respectful give her your full attention and praise her for it. Or you could ask her to stop and rephrase the complaint, request etc. This will teach her that if she has an objection to doing something, she can voice it as long as she does so respectfully. She needs to know however, that if the answer is no she has to then go and do what shes been told or she will face a loss of privileges etc.

Lastly, have you and your husband consult with her privately about the situation. Explain the problem you are having and ask her what she thinks you can do to help the situation and what she can do. Kids love having a voice and feeling like their opinion counts. Don't lecture her or discount her ideas but ask her questions to help her realize where the strengths and weaknesses are in her ideas. For example, what do you think would happen if we did that, or can you see any downfalls of that idea etc.

Hi C.! You just can't keep reacting to her behavior. I know it is hard! You can teach yourself to stop, count and think before you respond to her misbehavior, and in doing that you will A)lead by example, & B)be more effective. Sure, there will be those times when you just react...but the less you react, the more effective you will be. Also remember: Never Make a Threat you won't/can't follow through with. Be strong now, because as they get older if you don't control this now it will only get worse. Best wishes

I know that this is not going to be politically correct and that there are going to be people that completely react to what I'm going to say, but I'll tell you right now that it works. My advice is to take her very calmly at the very beginning of an episode and give her one or two swats with a wooden spoon on her cute little rear end. Do it before the situation gets heated. It is a reminder to her that you are the boss and that you will follow through with what you say. I've told my kids that every command I give them must be answered with a "Yes, Ma'am." This does two things: it confirms to me that they heard me, and it encourages them to submit their will to their authority (me) for right now. I can tell with my two year old if I'm headed for a battle if she refuses to say, "Yes Ma'am". Then I nip it right in the bud with a swat or two (very kindly reminding her that I'm the boss and that I love her). This whole way of disciplining reminds me that I have a way to turn their behavior around and I don't reach the point of being really frustrated with my kids. A swat before you're upset is going to be much better than any form of discipline when you're angry and out of control. Parenting is a huge responsibility and I know can be extremely exhausting. I hope this helps.