50/50 Visitation

So both he and you think she's old enough to have a say, but he doesn't think she'll be old enough in 6 months or 2 years to have any more of a say if she changes her mind? Maybe he just wants things HIS way and not her way, and he's only giving in because right now "her way" fits in with his wishes?

He's in for a real shock in dealing with a tween and a teen. She's asserting her independence in this category, and she'll continue to assert in other categories. It's important to raise a strong child (particularly a girl, I think) who can resist peer pressure, choose wisely and really think things through. It sounds like you've done that because you say she is independent and resilient.

She needs a strong male role model, and if she sees her father through the week on a daily basis, she will see his good qualities and get a really up-close-and-personal view of his rigidity. If he doesn't get his way and goes crazy on her, it will be difficult but it will also be better that she sees this behavior and doesn't fall for it in another man later on. I think that's going to be the key to how you adjust and deal with things. If this works out, great. If it doesn't, she'll at least be doing it at age 12 and not running off with some dominant boyfriend who will break her heart and her spirit.

All you can do is be supportive of her abilities, let her know she's strong and resilient and can express her needs/wants, and help her brainstorm how she's going to get over the immediate hurdles of which clothes and accessories and school supplies and toiletries are at which house. This could make her stronger.

If you DON'T let her go, it will backfire on you and she will be resentful. If your ex is getting what he wants (or thinks he wants) and it doesn't go as smoothly as he expects, he'll have to adjust. He may wind up with a lot more respect for you (even if he doesn't admit it!) and realize that daily parenting is not easy. There will be different rules for your daughter, and she can learn how to adjust. This is what she wants and what her dad wants. So it's up to them to make it work.

My advice to you is not to pepper her with questions about her life over there, not to pass judgment on things that aren't done the way you would do them, and not to say "I told you so" when things get screwed up. Just keep supporting her in her abilities to manage, to negotiate her own space, and to communicate her needs. If he doesn't communicate with you and if he doesn't agree with you on anything, you let him handle things with his daughter.

Meantime, this is a way to start preparing yourself for longer absences, whether she goes to sleep away camp or eventually off to college.

But nothing is permanent! If this doesn't work out, it can be changed again. But everyone has to give it a good try! Meantime you will have some time with your baby and that can be a good thing!

So dad is ready for this and filing the paperwork to make it a done deal. That says that he's know for a while that she wants to be there with him more.

My niece did this and it was sort of a way for her to let my sister know she was going to move to dad's full time in a few years.

I am glad you're able to share her like this. It's good for everyone.

The only way to know if this is going to work is to try it out.
It will be quiet when she is gone. But you will be fine. Make sure you email or call her once while she is gone, she will probably want to email or talk t you in the beginning.

I do suggest that you make sure you AND dad are listed for contacts with all school and extra activities. I was PTA President and we worked really hard to make sure all parents were informed about School information and all of the Activities going on associated with the school. Including the school directory making sure both parents names, address, email and phone numbers were published.

We made sure that the volunteer opportunities and any after school events were shared with all of the parents.

My niece and Nephew lived 50/50 all of these years. it has been about 9 years! My Nephew is now in College,and lives out of town, but comes home for the holidays. Half the time with one parent and the other half with the other, but mostly spending time with his friends(typical for college aged kids)

Here were some of the things that were agreed would be allowed. The kids were allowed to call the other parent pretty much any time.

If the kids really missed a parent they were allowed to make arrangements to see them, if it was possible.
Example, there were a few times the kids were hurt bad enough to be sent to the ER and in all of these cases, the kids wanted to go to their moms home that night.

When my niece had some fall outs with friends, she wanted to go to her moms house.

The children's clothing were their clothing. None of the, "moms clothes, dads clothes". The kids were responsible for taking everything they would need at the other parents home or school. Back pack, clothing, Sports equipment, uniforms, instruments.. Homework, projects ,books. You get the idea. No one to blame but the child if something was left behind or forgotten.

She may need to make a laundry basket or a rolling suitcase as her "transport item" so she can work out of it at each home for items that need to be carried from home to home.

Holidays and vacations are still a bit of a pain.
The kids spend Mothers day with mom, Fathers Day with dad.

Holidays switch every year. Christmas Break with one parent, Spring Break with the other.

Summer Break, goes every other week, but vacations are considered.

Both parents split 50/50 all fees for sports, music lessons, camp, etc.. And both parents pretty much need to be on board with these extras, because they are both providing transportation etc.

All parents are allowed at all events associated with school, sports, church etc, that the child is participating in.. along with girl friends, boy friends or spouses on each parent. No shenanigans, every one is cordial and polite for daughters sake.

And just with the kids, my sister seemed to be the one the kids wanted with them when they went to the dentist or their doctors, but their father was given the option of joining them for the appointments if he wanted.

TYhere will be transition pains, but try to be flexible. Do not take thing personally. Make it as easy for your daughter to be as honest as possible, but as responsible as possible also.

I would also think about things like how to make sure you are equally informed when it comes to school things, like special events, report cards, due dates on projects, etc. Is she savvy enough to put information on a shared Google Calendar for both of you? How do you handle friend parties now and would any of that change?

Was it prompted by him or her? Is it mostly that she's missing her dad and if so, is there any other way to do it than week on/week off? I only ask because we had an issue when the sks were about 11/12 where they missed BM more but it was really not in their best interest to spend more weekly time with her (she lived too far for them to attend the same school) and we reminded her and them that she could have more time that she was not currently utilizing. I only ask because sometimes the why gets you to the best solution. BM was an out of sight, out of mind person so the kids suffered.

Something we did with the sks was to have a kitchen calendar which we labeled so they knew weeks ahead whose house they would be at for everyone's planning benefit. We also informed the school that we were the custodial household and in your case, you might want to tell the teachers (email is great for this) that just FYI, your DD spends one week at Mom's and one week at Dad's and here is both of your contact info, please cc both parents on any emails that pertain to DD's generic education and well-being.

I would also start the test drive before school starts, at least 2 weeks prior if possible, so you get the routine under your belt.

And set up a way to communicate with her/encourage her to talk to you anytime/talk to her during your off week. During your "off" week, will you see her at all or will it be strictly Dad's time? And vice versa. In our case, when BM had the kids in the summer, we had the option of a dinner in the middle of the 2 weeks away.

i think you're taking an eminently sensible approach, letting her test-drive the situation before making it permanent. especially if your husband has such an inflexible worldview.
i think the best way for BOTH of you to deal with it is to be open, but not pushy. a warm welcoming smile and encouraging demeanor when she comes home, so she can share if she wants to, but not an inquisition. and support her especially if it DOESN'T work out and she has to go up against a dad and SM who try to guilt-trip her.
hope it all works out, and it just may do so.
khairete
S.

Your daughter is "very resilient, and very independent."

At 12, she is old enough to make this decision. Just reiterate to her that if she chooses this, she will not be able to change her mind, and give her scenarios of why she might not like to have to move back and forth every week when she is older.

But talk to her to make sure she's doing it because SHE wants to, not because she is being pressured to by dad and stepmom. If it's the latter reason, then you should help her to say 'no' to them.

Especially when she is an older teen, she really might not like having the hassle of moving back and forth, not having all her stuff in one place, not having one main place to call home, etc. (I assume you and her father live close to each other? Otherwise it would really be a hassle.)

But once she makes her decision, she will adjust fine. I don't think you need to "help her." She is at an age where she needs to learn that there are consequences to her decisions, and it's not your job to "help her," especially when she has chosen this. Anyway, kids live in much worse circumstances than that. It sounds like the main adjustment will be yours. But the weeks will fly by, and you will see your daughter plenty.

So I assume the "papers" you are filing have a set time frame as a trial period? If so, that is a great idea but make sure it says that if SHE doesn't want to continue, that both parents will allow her to go back to the old schedule. At 12, she is old enough to be fully aware of what happens at both houses so I wouldn't fight it. You will get used to the schedule, just make sure he is open to you talking with her maybe Wednesday night so you can check in. No need to call her everyday unless she prompts it. Good luck!