5 Year Old Worrying Excessively About What People Think When...

In my opinion, that is a self esteem issue. My daughter was like that, but seems to have gotten over it. For us, it just took work to remind her that she should worry about herself. As well, she is pretty busy right now between school, Kumon, and sports. She seems to have gotten too busy to worry so much about the opinion of others because she has to worry about herself.

At 5 he is just starting to grasp other people's feelings and their importance to him. He si also looking to you to determine how important other people's reactions to him are. Guide him to think through things like how much time other people do not spend thinking about us! And cognitive thinking: exactly what will happen if someone does not like your clothes etc....

He needs you to teahc him appropriate reactions to a whole new level of interacting with the world around him. If he is worrying to the point where he cannot function talk to your pediatrician. But, I suspect he's jsut reaching a new cognitive milestone and needs some guidance.

When I was young, I was overly worried about what people thought of me, so I know what that feels like. It's not a great way to be. In my case it certainly didn't help that I had a very critical mother. It took till my early 20's before I stopped overly caring about what people thought of me. The thing that really helped was the first time I knew for certain that someone really didn't like me, it was a woman at work who I hardly had any contact with. All of a sudden I realized that I didn't care at all that this person didn't like me, and this realization freed me from my constant worry about people approving of me and I've been free of it ever since. Thank you Marylinda for not liking me.

So, all that being said, the two answers below give good advice. Talk to your son and tell him the things they suggest. Tell him that no one in the world is liked and approved of by everyone, and that that is normal and fine. Keep checking in with him about this and teach him coping skills. It might be helpful to role play with him, with you telling him a mean comment about something he is wearing and giving him the words and thoughts to respond to it.

Put it back on him when he's late; if you don't like being late, then get ready on time. (You should be getting him to school on time-- the only reason he should be late is either an unusual traffic situation/tire blowout or something HE caused).

He doesn't care what you think because you love him unconditionally, which is good. He cares about the teacher and the kids because they do not; he does not have that sort of cushion in his relationship with them, yet.

If clothes are an issue, have him set them out the night before. "What's important, sweetie, is that you like what you are wearing and are comfortable." If he forgets something for school -- either he needs to put it in his backpack the night before or he just brings it the next day. I think at five it's okay to point out the differences between "no big deal that you forgot x, you can bring it for the next sharing day/library day" or "wow, that was supposed to be handed in today. We had better get into the habit of putting X into your backpack, huh? Why don't you let the teacher know we can bring it tomorrow?"

Let him know that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes. I tell my son this on a regular basis. No one likes everybody and not everyone likes me and that's okay. We all just need to be polite to each other. That's all.

Teach him to notice and prepare for the important stuff and to let the small stuff go.

Are you saying he's practicing for fifth grade? Tell him to wait until the other kids catch up with him. Then they can all worry together!

Seriously, though, try to get him to understand that everybody worries once in a while. Most worries aren't worth the energy.

If he wonders if people will like what he wears (and by this point he's probably seen kids make fun of someone else), tell him they probably will, and he needs to give them a chance to. If he sees someone being made fun of, perhaps he needs to think whether that person ought to be teased or not. Maybe the problem is not the clothing.

If he's late to school, that's what notes to the teacher or the school office are for. (Is he afraid of the school office? Some kids are.)

He will make mistakes sometimes. Everybody blows it once in a while. Tell him a story or two of a time when you did just that.

His friends make mistakes, and he doesn't think less of them. They don't think less of him, either.

You might even say that when he start worrying about what people think of him, he needs to go play - run around the yard, start a game with his friends - so his mind will start going in a better direction.

Give him chances to talk about his worries. Listen to him, try even to think in advance what his worries might be, and think of good answers that will reassure him.

Excessive worry is a common sign of anxiety in kids. It's not necessarily something for YOU to worry about, but you should be gentle and reassuring, and keep an eye on him. If it starts to interfere with his life (stops wanting to go places or do activities that he formerly loved, for example) set up an appointment with the school counselor. Anxiety is common in children but very manageable, especially if you work with a professional who can give you (and your son) concrete tips on how to deal with all those worries that get in the way of accepting the bumps and mistakes that are a normal part of life.

It is time to make sure you begin modeling mistakes and how to respond to them. Whether you make the mistake or others make the mistake, discuss, it happens and it is no biog deal..

Examples.. If you make dinner but forget to put the drinks on the table. "OOps, I forgot our drinks. Who can help me? I guess I made this mistake because I was in too much of a hurry to eat. "

"I must have forgotten because I was talking on the phone, instead of paying attention. "

At the grocery store, you drop something., "Oops, butter fingers. I seem to drop things all of the time. Thank goodness this is a can. If it was glass, it would have broken,. Good thing grocery stores understand when there is an accident, You just tell them and they will help clean it up."

Run late to something other than school.. "Yikes I am running late! I will still drive the correct speed limit, but I will just apologize, I just could not get ready any faster because of that phone call." "Next time I need to tell grandma I need to call her back."

Or "Tomorrow I am going to make sure my clothes are ready the night before."

Or
"I need to remember to just buy gas when the car says it needs gas and not wait until it is totally empty. By then it is too late. "

Also mention to the teacher that your son is a bit sensitive to these things.
I totally recall in the 4th grade our daughter sat a table with 4 girls. The teacher requested the homework and none of these girls had their homework, they even insisted she had not given homework.

So the teacher asked the class, Did you all have homework due today? "Yes"..

SO the teacher asked the girls, "why do you think everyone else heard about the homework, but you 4 did not? I will need to take a "smiley from each of you". Well the girls all burst out crying, they admitted they had been talking. But our daughter was devastated.. this was the very first time she had ever lost a "smiley" in all of her school years. She was completely mortified.

I mentioned this to the teacher and she laughed. She said all 4 of the girls, this was their first loss of the smiley face,

The teacher told the girls, "everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect." She then told the girls, "Look at my desk, should I have a smiley taken away?" Her desk was a messy disaster. So the girls told her "yes, Your desk is messy!" So the teacher made a chart for herself.. and each time her desk was messy, they were allowed to take her smiley. They also offered to help her remember to organize it.

As parents it can be hard to admit mistakes, but just like teaching a child how to tie their shoes, we need to teach them how to react and that no one is perfect and that is ok. We just try to do our best and we do not care what others think, because we do not judge others when they are doing their best.

Sounds like your son is a people pleaser and doesn't want to make a mistake for fear someone won't be happy with him. I agree with the others that you have to model that it's okay to make a mistake/be wrong.

I had that issue with my GD so I would say things out loud when I made a mistake like "Oh, gosh,. did that wrong. Oh well, I'll just have to fix it." or "Can't fix it now, but that's okay. Tomorrow is another day and I can try to do better then. No big deal." So she could see that the people she looks up to also make mistakes and that it's not the end of the world. She now can accept the fact that she's made a mistake and can move past it without any anxiety.

Just gently keep reminding him that it really only matters how he feels. Yes, we like our kids to be mindful of disappointing parents and teachers, but being a people pleaser can also lead an older child to be more susceptible to peer pressure.

My youngest is just the same - and still is at age 13. It is hard to walk that fine line between not dismissing the worries - they are very real and deserve to be taken seriously - and not feeding them through too much sympathy and understanding.
Some magic still helped at that age - a kiss behind the ear for later, a bit of fairy dust in her lunch, or a smooth, comforting rock to hold and stroke in a worry emergency. We used to sing a Sesame St. song too: "Whoops, I made a mistake that's all. And making mistakes is never fun. You say 'whoops, I made a mistake, that's all. And mistakes can happen to anyone.'"

Now we try to follow her worries to their logical conclusion and she often realizes that the actual consequences are really not that bad. And remind her that people who never make mistakes never try anything new, and that is ultimately the worst mistake of all.