I have a 5.5 year old in Kindergarten. He seems to be having problems playing with the kids in the neighborhood. They've stopped coming over to play with him but if he goes to find them, they will play. He often gets mad and comes home only to go back 10 min later and apologize to them for whatever the issue was. He comes home and tells me he cried over there because they were playing a game and he wasn't winning, couldn't make the rules, etc. Sometimes when they are over, they play well but if they decide to do something he doesn't want to, he'll refuse to play with them and say he wants to take a break. He will leave the kids standing there looking at me while he sits on the couch, gets a book to read, etc. He is unsure of himself and will often observe play when he doesn't have the confidence that he will succeed - as an example, the other kids are fast and nimble on their bikes - he still has training wheels. He will want to play, go to their house and then just watch the entire time instead of joining. There are times when he will go to their house and decide he didn't want to play what they were playing so he will watch tv by himself at their house.
Now, I've tried to coach him on things - playing nice, alternating between playing things he wants vs what friends want, taking turns, being a good sport when you lose, etc.
Is all this normal? How do I help him? Do I let him figure out how to play? Should I be intervening? I'm not sure what to do.
Hi,
Social skills are not innate for everychild. I would suggest talking to a social worker and getting some support to help him learn how to play appropriately. Practice the the described scenerios with him and play with him doing those same things and train him on how to "play".
L.
I'd say it's pretty normal for lots of kids, probably including some of the children who sometimes play with him. My somewhat younger grandson is working on some of the same issues.
I'd just occasionally point out that it is hard for all kids to figure out how to play well with others, hard to figure out how much to share, how much to control, etc., and that you're glad your son is working on that. Remind him that social skills take practice, just like sports, drawing, reading, etc. all take practice. Let him know you'll support him in working on that when he asks.
Coach him a little with specific skills. Help him notice the times when he's having fun with his friends, so he can compare that satisfaction with the alternating periods of unhappiness when he isn't. Model for him the smile and handshake of a good loser congratulating the winner (my grandson really enjoys doing this) and let him know that that's a win, too, because everybody ends up happy.
When he discovers he's had it for the time being with uncooperative friends at your house, show/tell him polite ways to dismiss them, instead of just ignoring them.
Finally, let him have the space to work on some of that unhappiness himself. It will take time and practice.
You've gotten some great responses--Nessa and Peg had some really good insight.
I just wanted to echo what they said. First, give him the tools to gain confidence: helping him learn to ride his bike without training wheels, or some quick little lessons on different sports that boys will typically play.
Also, play with him a lot, to teach him how to have a good attitude about losing or getting frustrated. I have a 5-year-old and I have had to teach her about dealing with frustration. She's a bit of a perfectionist so if she can't do something, she wants to give up.
Now is the time to teach him these incredibly important lessons of dealing with frustration, being patient, and keeping a good attitude. These lessons are just as important as learning to read. They'll help him adapt.
Second, let him explore some unique interests. He could really love academics. Does your district have after-school science programs? Chess clubs? He's not too young for any of that and he could really take off in it.
While you definitely want to help your child overcome their difficulties, you also want to help them find their path of least resistance. What will he be motivated in? What will he love to do? Music? Academics? Sports?
What you described is completely normal. Your son may want some extra help with the typical boy play stuff, but just watch--with such an intuitive parent, he'll find his niche soon. :)
Hi D. W.,
I am an early childhood teacher, and I once taught an afternoon program of 5-year-olds (all boys!!). They had a remarkably large range of abilities and interests, so it took a lot of supervision, teaching, and coaching the kids to help them to achieve certain goals. For example, one boy couldn't pump and swing independently, when all the others could. I worked with him on this individually, and then he gained confidence in the group. Another boy retreated in frustration whenever we played soccer because he couldn't kick the ball. I worked with him on this on his own as much as possible.
What I am trying to say is that I think your son's behavior sounds fairly normal. He could be more of an observer right now because he doesn't feel confident in certain activities (bike riding, etc.). He sounds interested in participating and interacting socially, but holds back sometimes. This is very normal at kindergarten age. I think you can help him by reassuring him that he is a very capable and wonderful child, and you are proud of him, no matter what. It does not help a child to feel his parents are anxious about his development. Be confident in front of him, and give him confidence by reassuring him he is okay just being who he is. He will figure out how to play, and he might just need more time, or he might need a new group of friends. Maybe try play dates with other kids he likes from school.
At this age, I think it is VERY important that parents are involved in play dates and in observing their children's play. Too many adults assume kids can "work it out" themselves, but sometimes they are just not ready to do so. Once, I attended a party where I was the unofficial chaperone of a basement full of third graders. The parents were partying upstairs and were nowhere in sight. The girls in the group were saying really horrible and nasty things to each other, and getting physically aggressive, to the point where I had to intervene. Other, younger children were watching this bullying, and it was just not appropriate. Kids needs some supervision, and in your son's case, it is important to see that he is playing well with others and that he is not made to feel less capable and maybe there are fun games you can suggest for him and his friends to play. Anyway, stay involved, and make learning to play fun, and your son will do well, I am sure. Take care.
Nessa C.
Hi I have a daughter now 13, had a lot of the same problems, she is her own person I commend her for that. I used to stress over these issues now I realize she is not a I want to belong person. She is very intelligent and thinks most of her friends are a bit lame with always wanting to fit in on"stupid thngs". She is a leader not a follower. Maybe the same with your son. I would say try to embrace who he really is, you may have a leader on your hands, nothing wrong with that!
B.
What about having other kids over that are in his class? When friends do come over, observe, continue making suggestions. If he doesn't want to play something, ask his friend if they can play something else or have him play anyway and he gets to choose the next time. You can also try playing a game with him. Does he seem close to getting his training wheels off? This may be the summer to try. My daughter learned how to ride her bike without training wheels the summer before kindergarten. I basic walked/ran with her around the block for a couple of days until she got it. Kids need to learn how to behave from you. I think it will work out.
I don't know if this is normal to others but it is to me. We have joked for years now how my son has in the past stopped in the middle of overnighters (here) and visitors and playmates around and suddenly decided he was tired or was going to take a shower and literally left them in the middle of (those days NINTENDO) games. Fast forward, twenty years later-he is fine, the door rotates with friends and if he needs to shower they are probably the ones to tell him so, so hang in there.
I think that you are coaching him is great. Keep at it! I think finding something he is really good at and getting him involved would be good too. This group of kids might not really like what he likes. Kids are so limited in finding friends until they get out into the world. This is a place you can help him by finding other outlets where he is exposed to other interests. He may be a little "different" than the "norm" but that doesn't mean he isn't normal. I'm betting most really incredible famous people didn't fit the "norm."
Is your little boy easily irritated or annoyed? Does he get anxious? I'm wondering if he has anxiety or mild depression. I wouldn't presume this, but it is something to keep in the back of your mind. Yes, I would let him continue to play with these kids unless you think it is detrimental. This is how he will learn how to be socially acceptable, but help him find those other outlets too.
I'm into nutrition and removing toxins from the home. Let me know if I can make any recommendations on these things. They could make a difference too.
Some kids are naturally shy. If he is the only child and has not had to share at home, it is a big adjustment for him. Kindergarten is a time when they are learning to be their own person. Boys usually are less mature socially. You can just keep reminding him that he is not the only one that gets to pick what they play. Even start trying to get him involved in sports, music, etc. These will help him learn to socialize and become more comfortable with others.
