4Th Grader Sad at School

If he's feeling left out for not playing video games or watching tv, try letting him do that a little. It doesn't have to be mayhem or without limits. You can set aside 30 minutes a day or something similar that he can decide if he wants to watch tv or play a video game. There are many programs and games that aren't violent and are suitable to a child his age. :)

He's 9, so his interests may have changed. If he still loves reading, writing, and being outside above all else, then go with it. Ask him though. He probably has some ideas of what would help him feel better about the situation. Particularly with how it sounds like you've raised him! :) With his imagination probably comes creativity and some problem solving skills. This is an opportunity for him to use those to help himself. And that's a life skill that will serve him well.

You might try a "meet-up" group. Go to the meet up web page and fill in your information as to what you are looking for and hopefully, you will find other families in the area that have similar values and children around his age. You will make friends and so will your son.

From a middle school teacher, one thing I often noticed from kids that were homeschooled exclusively, is that they didn't have the skill set that helps them to make friends as easily. They didn't have enough social outlets to help them achieve these skills. As adults we find ourselves in situations that we must get along with people that we don't necessaril agree with. The social outlets we had as kids helped us figure out these situations. It happens as kids, too.

Good luck to your son, it is hard growing up when you are different or have different values from others. Make sure he knows he can talk to you, keep that communication open.
D.

This may be totally off base but has he asked you to solve this problem for him or is he just sharing his feelings with you? It might be that what he really needs is someone to share his feelings with and not necessarily for you to fix the problem. You could try asking him if he wants help with the situation and doing some brainstorming together as to what makes a close friend and how one goes about finding new friends if the kids that he knows are not ones that he has much in common with. My eight year old is in the same boat as your boy, one hour of screen time a day, lots of imagination, and sometimes a sense of not fitting in. He manages though and has different friends that he does different things with not one friend that he does everything with. It seems to be working out OK so far.

My very imaginative, intelligent, gentle and shall we say "different" son always stuck out from the crowd, in both private and public school. We did the primary to fifth grade years in private school year for which I am grateful.

Anyway I always told him to "turn of the TV and go outside", also if he was to play with guns, he could only shoot unliving things like houses, rocks, etc. He fought going to sleep on time, so I told him he had to be horizontal, but he could read or imagine things. Which he did--imagine things I mean.

Anyway he is now a minister. Once when I went to visit he had covered the TV with a large napkin, and he gave a sermon on turning off the TV and going outside to play with your children. It was particularly funny and satisfying for me.

Sometime in the teen years he had found himself in our church youth group as well our family beliefs.

I would encourage you to support your son's imagination and different personality. Give him books that he can read to go farther than the video games will ever go. Take him to the Seattle Art Museum and the downtown Seattle library--it will take his breath away that there is that much information.

Have you talked to your son? Are reading, drawing, and playing outside his interests or yours? Is is possible that he has other interests? If he is interested in sports, you could enroll him in a sport. He could find some new friends this way, and they would automatically have something in common. I have a ten year old son that I homeschool and his two best friends live near us. They do enjoy playing video games, they all have that in common. If the t.v./games is actually the problem, would it hurt to let him watch a television show that the kids are into? It is natural for him to want to know what they are talking about and not feel like he's in the dark. Although my son loves video games, he also likes to read, draw and play soccer. I think having balance is important! Another thought-maybe he is sad and doesn't want to develop friendships, because he know he will have to move again anyway? Just some ideas! Hope this helps! S.

Sounds like your son might enjoy the Waldorf method of teaaching. Many of the families involved don't allow or encourage much media until they are 12 or so. There are homeschooling Waldorf groups too online.

I too have a 9yr old child, though she is in 3rd grade (held back due to medical problems). She experiences not fitting in or kids making fun of her. She is pretty tall for her age, so she is really tall for a 3rd grader. Plus he does have a bit of an issue with her speach (due to medical problem and extra help with math and reading). Anyway she tells me she doesnt like school and pretty similair concerns as your son. Reading your post makes me wonder if part if it is their age, and possibly maturing faster than classmates due to their situations.
All I can suggest is keep being the wonderful and understanding mom you are. It sounds like he has friends outside of school and that is great. Try talking to his teacher about your concerns or possibly the school counelor. As long as he is doing well with his school work, that is what is real important for school.
Sorry if this doesnt make much sense, my 2 yr old keeps putting things in my face. :)
Ps I remind my daughter that every family does things differently and its ok to be different.

It seems like homeschooling offers you a lot of opportunities to expose him to different ideas and kids. Perhaps your local library has an activity group he can join? Or kids book club? Perhaps a local game store (paper games, not video games) has a gaming club he can join? Or perhaps a local boy scout troop would give him time to interact with other boys while being outside and active? Basically, if you believe that the interests of the other kids at school don't match his interests, maybe you can help him identify his interests and then get involved in a group that does those things.

It may be that he has a harder time making friends, regardless of their interests. Perhaps you can help him find a pen-pal (maybe another son of a navy guy, or a cousin?), or help him figure out how to invite some of these boys over to play with him on his own turf?

hello!

Before I say anything else, I want to mention that there is a yahoo.group that's specifically for hs'ing military families, that if you're not on that board already, you should DEFINITELY check out. Since I'm not military any more, I'm not on that board, but I've looked at it... and it talks exactly about those selfsame issues.

We HS (last year with a group, this year on our own... which is actually easier/more freedom/we've found more good friends this way, ironically), and I grew up a military brat (and then was in the usmc before kids)... and I've run into the same problem/challenge in BOTH situations.

Changing schools every 2 years is an interesting process. Unlike some of the other responders I LOVED moving and making new friends (my hangup actually expressed itself in decorating my room... By the time I was 11 I wouldn't do it for the entire first year, as I felt there was little point...then I'd get bored with it, decorate it, and then have to turn around and pack it up again. Correction. The movers would pack it up. Gee. I really miss movers.) Back on target though...

Some schools I felt totally out of place. Others I would be one of the most popular kids. Others I'd have one or two best friends. Obviously, I was the same kid. But so much of how "life" was, was dependent upon the area and the people in it.

We starting HS'ing our social butterfly DS7 last year for first grade (long, fairly common story, revolving around academics). Even though we live in Seattle, where there are over 20,000 registered HS'ers, even though we do gymnastics, soccer, basketball, baseball, swimming, art class, music class, HS groups, drama camps, etc... our son is, as I said, a social butterfly. He can NEVER get enough interaction with other kids & adults. And since the majority of kids are in school/in transit until 4pm, and then they either have a sport or their parents are trying to get some time with them, & then they have homework & dinner & bedtime... unless the kids are HS'd, it's really really difficult to get good silly time in with other kids. And it's still hard to get good play time in with HS'ers because we all have so many adventures going on, or multiple kids. (Class & sports time is different, we've come to find than good old fashioned hanging upside down off the bed/climbing trees/laughing about poop &/or other things mom does NOT find funny. ;)

After a year and a half, we're only JUST starting to find some other HS families that we gel with. Since there's little to no pressure to conform to schoolyard standards, HS kids tend to vary wildly in their interests... as I'm sure you've noticed <laughing> of course, as do parents. Then, of course, as I'm sure you've noticed... Western Washington tends to be rather sedentary. ((And for people who disagree... All I feel I have to point out is the HUGE influx of people you see out and about as soon as the weather stops being cold and wet and grey. It's not like in some places where I've lived (SoCal, DeepSouth, Gulfcoast, Hawaii, Italy, *parts* of Japan) where people are ALWAYS outside, moving, doing things, or just hanging out. Where the typical time spent outside is a bare minimum of 4 hours a day if you work fulltime, and on a non work/school day head outside just after breakfast and come in long after the sun has set. SAHM's maybe two or three hours inside, but that's only slanted because of cooking/naps. In many places I've lived an average person tends to spend an hour a day INSIDE -excluding sleeptime. Here the people I know who consider themselves active & outdoorsy tend to spend around an hour a day outside, usually while riding their bike to/from somewhere and maybe one day a week go hiking/boating/etc. Of course (before anyone complains) there are exceptions. But the cold & damp & rain keeps MOST people inside 9 months out of the year. And nearly every outdoor "thing" to do around here -except hiking- is sooo expensive. Snowboarding, skiing, sailing/boating, fishing, etc. They all cost a LOT in startup and maintenance. And so what with the weather and the expense it's not surprising that an hour or so a day is a LOT of time outside in this area.))

There's a durn good reason why coffee shops are so prevalent here, they're a place to meet people that's colorful, warm, & dry. Ditto videogames. Something that kids do inside when the weather is nasty. (Used to be music, too, but the City essentially killed that in the 90's with the teen music ordinance, and the scene has never recovered). So anyhow, western washington is sedentary. My own son watches more tv & plays more videogames than I would like (constantly sending him outside, too!)... but as long as we're here (a few more years at least, all of my family is in the area, dad retired here because my mom's a native to seattle)... we're going to be fighting the stay inside cravings. ((The longer I live here, and at this point it's been 9 years, the more I find myself staying inside as well.))

So a big part of what you're stubbing your toes against is geographic. The other part is luck. I've literally gone from most popular to biggest outcast in one move. Finding friends is so much about just happening to be at the right place at the right time, regardless of whether you're hs'ing or in traditional school. Which isn't super helpful, I know. A definite upside though is that your son isn't an only child. So even if he currently feels odd man out at school, he's still got a vibrant and interesting home life.

One thing you *might* do, is a unit study or two. Anthropology springs to mind (studying how different cultures throughout time deal with/ view social stuff). A few others are explorers, athletes, scientists... other people who regardless of how social they are, are in situations where they end up spending a lot of time on their own, and how they put that good use, and deal with periods of irritation/loneliness. Another is to "host" outings of the type you enjoy. Test the water's for interest first (I'm thinking about organizing a field trip to "x", or organizing a play, or ___fill in the blank___ is that something that anyone would have any interest in, blah blah blah). Once you start getting kids whose parents at least want them out and about, your son may find a peergroup/good friend or two a little easier.

Sorry for being a bit rambling! :)

Z.
"We are all connected;
To each other, biologically
To the earth, chemically
To the rest of the universe atomically"
- Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson

We had a similar problem. My daughter in Kindergarten was watching cartoons and had an Elmo lunchbox, and her friends were watching teenage shows and obsessed with teen singers.
We found her friends in church and increased her church activities for socialization. We also found like-minded parents in homeschool groups. The parents of homeschoolers seemed much more concerned about what they were exposing their kids to.

Hi J. - Life can be very tough for military kids especially when their parent is deployed. My boys are now 6 & 8 and have been through one 18 month deployment and we are preparing for another 12-18 month deployment not counting other months at a time gone for training (been married over 17 years and my husband only has about 1 1/2 years until his retirement too - YEA!). Especially for my boys, life is lots tougher when their life gets changed (like with deployment). It is more than likely that this is having some effect on your son too with having close friends. For my oldest, he has one good friend (took a while for it to develop into that friendship) but they are at a different school this year but we (us moms) try to get them together when we can (maybe once a month). My son is friendly with other kids at his small school but not any close friends. One thing that we have done is talked with our kids to see if there is really something bothering them (when we talk we end up finding out that it was something way different than we thought it was). I am sure that you have done this but if not, have a just mom & son special time to just visit & talk - maybe go for ice cream or something.

Have you gone to or called www.militaryonesource.com 1-800-342-9647? They have many wonderful resources (articles, books, webinars, etc) not only for parents but kids too. Take a few minutes to check it out you might find something useful to your situation especially from a military kids perspective.

To help find other military kids in your area that have the same intetests you might also want to contact the closest Family Assistance Center (FAC) usually located at a local National Guard Armory but is available to help ALL military families and veterans. You can even call Washington State's Family Programs office and ask to speak with their Youth Coordinator (Toll Free 1-800-364-7492). Both the FAC and the State Youth Coordinator might have some great ideas for your son and maybe some military kid activities in your area for him to be involved with. Again this could be a great way for him to connect with other kids his age who have been there & done that too and can relate better.

You are being a great mom in trying to help your son develop his lifelong skills of making acquaintances and friends (and knowing the difference). These tools you are helping him to learn will serve him well as he grows older. Just remember that all of this depends on the individual child and their personal comfort level with friendships. Some kids develop earlier/later than others and this could also be playing into the picture for your son. It takes time to form good/great friends. Given the right time and the right person he will find lifelong friends! God Bless

I applaud your efforts to help him stay "unplugged" so-to-speak. It must be hard. I do think, however, that there needs to be a realistic balance. The fact of the matter is that technology does indeed play a role in our lives as a whole now.

There is some research to suggest that a LIMITED amount of video game playing (not all games are bloody and violent) actually has been found to help with attention & cognitive thinking skills. http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/health/HealthRepublish... A friend of mine who is a surgeon has been to medical conferences that focused on encouraging surgeons to play videogames for dexterity and quick-thinking skils that can be enhanced by them. Of course, as a school teacher (middle school), I have seen kids who border on addicted to games, so there's a fine line. It's like anything that we do for entertainment, too much isn't good, but a little can stimulate us and get us laughing, thinking, emoting, etc.

Many parents in the school where I teach give their kids "Screens" time. It's X amount of minutes/hours per day of time the kid is allowed to either: watch TV/movies, play videogames, surf the internet, etc. It's like an allowance of sorts.

Michael Chabon wrote a really great article this summer about how outdoor play is parallel to the adventures kids read about in books, and how it's becoming a dying element of childhood: http://www.nybooks.com/articles/22891

As a teacher of adolescents, I see that it really is *HARD* for those kids who feel like the odd-man out. Some children simply do not mind being that kid, but other kids do. As his parent, have you talked to your son about some of the specifics of how he feels? I know I feel strange sometimes when I'm at lunch with all of my co-workers and they start talking about something I have zero experience/knowledge/opinions about.

My husband was a military child... he finally got to go to school in a school district for more than two years or so when his dad retired and went to work at Vanderbilt in Nashville. He has very lonely memories of the years before that (I think he was 12), always learning a new school, learning new friends but knowing they were most-likely "temps", and relying on his much more outgoing big-brother to guide him.

Does he want to go to school full-time now, and maybe is afraid to let you know? Maybe he thinks he's doing homeschooling for you instead of himself? What were the reasons for him wanting to be homeschooled for so long? Have you spoken with any of the facilitators at the homeschool center to see if there is anything they notice?

Is he on any sports teams? That can be a great way to be outside and with other kids his age...

I hope you and he are able to figure out something that will help him feel like he fits in that doesn't compromise your ideological beliefs.

I can relate to your son in several areas. We never had a TV or video games or any of those things that most kids consider normal. I am glad, too. My mind isn't so nearly as full of junk as it would have been if we'd been allowed to watch TV all the time. Stick to your guns in that department.

But what can you do for your son? Having been home schooled all 12 grades, I would say homeschooling is a great thing for those who have different values than average. But it looks like you're doing part time regular school, too. In the way of finding other kids that have similar interests, I really can't help you. Maybe some of the moms here can give you ideas in that regard. My son is a bit too young yet. ;)

This might not help your son (it didn't help my brother), but for me as a youth, I enjoyed pen pals. I had dozens. They were my social life. I had their pictures plastered up over my desk, and I was forever writing a letter to someone. And they moved with me, too. My brother befriended the neighbor's dog (he should have had one, I think, but the neighbor dog was free to roam, so it was okay), and they spent hours together. My brother would ride his bike, the dog would follow; they played fetch... He now says that dog was his best friend; he says he could have told him his deepest, darkest secrets. And he's turned out into a normal, socially adjusted adult. A little on the shyer side, but it's no big deal. Not everyone is a social butterfly. And he has good friends. Probably more than I do, stuck at home as I am with a toddler and a baby!

Also, keep in mind that kids don't necessarily have to have lots of friends their own age. It's better for them to have friends of various ages. Maybe the elderly guy across the road would make a good friend. Maybe there's a preschooler next door that would love to play trucks in the dirt with him.

Another idea is to look for friends in extracurriculars. Kids getting together for karate or soccer will probably talk more about those topics... but that's just a brainstorm and I really don't know how that would be. Maybe boyscouts?

Not sure how helpful all that is, but maybe you can use something. :)

Wow, what a tough one for your son. I moved around a lot as a kid and nearly gave up trying to make friends, so I have to commend you for your tenacity on this.

My suggestion would be to find a new 'something' that can jump-start a dialogue. By this, I mean talking with your son about scheduling a playdate with someone he feels is approachable/friendly and creating a new experience for them. This could be a kit that they build together, a science project, some sort of art/dramatic play tie in (are they "knights"? check out some books/articles on-line on heraldry and have them make coats of arms or crests for their shields) A project that they work on mutually might be just the thing to spark conversation, and these fun activities can draw the wonder and fascination of other boys...esp. if they take their work in to share for a group time. (Heraldry, by the way, has been extremely interesting for the boys. I've had very good luck with this in the past. And as a military family, your son may be able to draw correlations between the Navy rates and their symbols and those of heraldry.)

It's so hard to combat the influence of media. We're doing our best in our house, and my hat's off to you.

I haven't read the other responses. I think the most important thing that you can do is listen to him and be empathic. Because you wrote this request I think that you're most likely doing that already. Related to this is responding in such a way that he knows that you heard him and that you know that this too shall pass; that you're not discouraged or upset by his sadness. Focus on the positive aspects of his personality as you did in this message. Remind him everyday of how much you like having him as your child. Also that you know that because he is creative and full of interesting ideas that he will be able to find a friend with whom he can share these traits. Encourage him to bring someone home with him or help him set up play dates.

You could talk with his teacher who may be able to suggest another student or two who do have similar interests and then you could get that student together with your son. Then be sure to either arrange with your son fun things for them to do and/or inobstrusively monitor them and suggest another activity if they're bored for a long period of time. It may be that your son just needs some help in developing social skills.

Maybe a sleepover would help. Just a handful though. Maybe set up a tent and have some kind of outdoor adventure with it. Be sure the parents understand your concern and ask them not to bring video games. Then the kids can see what your Son already sees and have something fun to share at school.

I would think that joining a club or sport as some others have mentioned. That way you know you already have that thing in common and it is easier to connect. My first thought though was church. I have no idea where or if that is something in your life but it can be a place of connection and something that you take with you no matter when and where you go.(not church/religion per say but the relationship with God part) :-) Just my thoughts. I hope you get to settle in the NW, it's the best!(Pacific NW, Or. especially!)
Happy Parenting!

Have you tried play dates with friends so he could get closer to some of them. I am an ex navy wifew and had 2 daughters that moved every 2 years. I enjoyed the moving and travel but the girls did not so much. Either they moved or friends moved to new duty stations. I think they were also sad and had problems making friends because of the moving. Sometimes I thought that they were not making friends because somebody would be moving in a couple of years. Is there many military children at yours sons school?
good luck Paula

sent a private message to jenny since it's 2 years after she posted...