4 Year Old Wants to Snuggle to Sleep Every Night

It may seem cruel, but I think it's best just to let him cry it out. It might take several days, but eventually he WILL get used to the new routine of not being snuggled to sleep. The longer you keep this up, the longer he'll hang on to it and the older he gets, the more difficult it will be for him to be able to put himself to sleep. Just make some snuggling part of the bedtime routine, but when you leave the room, that's it. I know what you're going through because my daughter who is now almost 11 slept with me until she was about 8. I kept thinking she'd get tired of it and want her own space and that NEVER happened. I started putting my son in his own bed when he was about 2 and a half, he is now almost 4 and goes to bed just fine by himself. In the beginning, it is difficult but with consistency everyone will make it through. Best Wishes.

Does he still take a nap? I was in the same situation about a a year ago when my daughter was 3 1/2. She was still taking naps and really didn't need them anymore. I would be in her room with her for 1-2 hrs every night beore she would fall asleep. Now she'll call to me for an extra kiss and hug once in awhile but that's about it. It took about a week until there was no more complaining but now she falls asleep on her own. Good Luck!

Watch Super Nanny! She has a wonderful bedtime routine, all the things that you are already doing then 1st time he get's up you put him straight back to bed saying only "it's bedtime sweetheart." 2nd time he get's up say only "bedtime" then anytimes that follow you say nothing simply bringing them back to bed. It has worked for us. The less words the better. The first couple of nights are tough but it works I am proof of it!

E., I'm probably in the minority, but I don't see what's wrong with snuggling a child to sleep (unless it is a problem for you and interferes with your sleep). I snuggle my sons to sleep (one in his own bed and one with me) while nursing my baby. We have no fussing, no arguments, just sweet children drifting off to sleep. They won't need me forever. Good luck~

First of all, this is probably something that he will grow out of. Right now he just needs that little extra security in order to relax enough to drift off. Kids that are helped to feel secure are more self-confident in the long run. Don't feel guilty about giving him what he's telling you he needs.

Secondly, kids that share the family bed are no worse sleepers than kids that don't. All 4 of my kids slept at least partial nights with us for about the first 3 years. Then they easily & nontraumatically transitioned to their own beds. With the exception of some sleep talking & occasional bad dreams, they all sleep very soundly, to the point that I can vacuum right in their rooms & they don't wake up! They also all go to bed on their own, looking at books, praying, singing, or whatever until they drift off.

I don't think that there is necessarily one right answer for every child when it comes to sleep. What's most important is that they feel loved & secure, & most kids can show you through actions if not words what they need at each stage.

Our kids are only small for a short time and when your son gets older he will not want to do this anymore. My son was the same way and now he is 9 and there is no cuddling.You will miss it later. Why not give him this precious time. Life is short enough, right? I read to my 6 yr old just about every night until she goes to sleep or she says stop reading. We sing sometimes. A mom is special to a child more so than a Dad. I read to my son all the time as well. My son was 3 when Janie was born and we still did all the books at bed time. Get your husband involved to take the baby while you read to your son. If it takes 5 or 10 books just do it. I did! When he goes to school he will be the best reader in his class, my kids are. Plus reading helps with their imagination when it comes to dreaming. I also breast fed. If you have to pump and have dad feed fine just don't let this time pass by. I promise you won't be sorry. Also there is no such thing as too much cuddling. Don't tell him you arent going to cuddle tonight. He will for sure think the baby is more important than him. My son got lots of love and attention all day too but he still needed that "safe-place" when he went to bed. Remember he is only 4 once! Good Luck!

When I was a young mom it was so important to me that they went to bed on their own, were independent, yaddah yaddah. Now that I am an "old" mom I relish the time to snuggle with any of my kids that will have me! Housework, whatever, takes a backseat to sitting in the chair or in bed with a kid or two. Go with your heart...if you want to snuggle that little one, do it now while you can! My husband sometimes gets jealous, so on those occasions I tell the kids "Daddy needs me to snuggle with him, but tomorrow you'll get your turn." and that seems to work. Some of my kids share beds too, which gives them more hug time with another person (share the wealth!). My perspective has changed dramatically as I've aged and I realize now that so much I thought was important, isn't!

49 yr old SAHM of seven, 23 yrs - 18 mos. The eldest is USMC, second is away at college, third graduates high school this month, next four keep me busy and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have the same problem with my 3 year old. He has had problems going to sleep for probably the last year. He did pretty good when he was a baby. Now he just can't get calmed down. Sometimes it take him 30min to an hour to go to sleep. We also have a bedtime routine and I also have a new baby that I am breastfeeding. Not sure if that is part of the problem. He is still taking naps but if he doesn't get a nap he is so crabby around supper time. Anyway I talked with my cousin who is a public health nurse and she told me to put him in his room after making sure all his needs are met for example, going to the bathroom, getting a drink of water, all of the little things that they call you in for, and not go in again. He will probably cry but each night will get better. I personally have not tried it yet but I am going to. She has done this with both her kids and they both go to bed so well. They know when it is bedtime, IT IS BEDTIME. There is so crying or whining at all. I guess anything is worth a try.

I agree with Laura on this one. Watch SuperNanny or follow the steps she has written. I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old and luckily they have always been great sleepers and just gone to bed. My 1 year old may be different as he still wants to nurse before bed. Anyways, the first few nights may be rough, but like you said, he is fine in his bed even if he is whining, and he is tired. I think the sooner you do this the better. Seriously consider the new baby and how your routine at bedtime as affected your older one. You may want to make changes now so you are not facing this again in a few years. Best of Luck with a night filled with SLEEP!!!

Hi E.,
I have the same issue with my 4yo son. He has always fought sleep from the day he was born! For nap and bedtime, we always have a routine too, but he still just wants the companionship. We have put a chair in his room and will sit there with him until he goes to sleep. We will not talk to him nor will we respond to anything that he says/does except for saying things like; "Solomon, go to sleep", "Good night Solomon, I love you", "Stop moving son, go to sleep". It takes between 2 and 15 minutes (sometimes 20 minutes if he is really wound up from a crazy play fest with dad). He gets his companionship and we get our uninterrupted hours of adult conversation and down time. Good luck

I still "snuggle" with my 9 year old on occasion and I think it's really nice. They grow up so fast and there will be a time when that won't happen anymore. You'd be surprised how little they really need in the big picture. I tell my daughter that I'll snuggle for 5 minutes and then she needs to go to sleep. I promise I'll check on her after she is asleep to make sure she's okay. Some of our best little mama/daughter chats come during our supposed snuggles. When she was younger (and my son, too) - she wouldn't settle for 5 minutes, but I don't think it hurts a kid to spend some extra time with them as they're relaxing and falling asleep (as long as it doesn't make you crazy!) Maybe it's time for him to learn a balance of together and solo time. My daughter also still goes to sleep with a special cuddly pillow to keep her company when I'm not there.

It's difficult as a mom to find the right balance for everyone, especially when there are extra challenges that not everyone experience. Try reading a short book in a snuggling position, with you laying behind him and your arm holding the book on top in front of him. Then close the book and give him 2 more minutes, not more than 5-10, of just snuggle time in bed. One last kiss and if necessary you can tell him if he's quiet you'll check on him in 15-30 minutes. discuss the new plan to ask if he would like that so he stops calling for you after he's supposed to be quiet. If he says no then don't start it until he agrees to cooperate. The idea is to snuggle him sleepy, but leave while still awake.

As for your baby, I agree with the Church Lady. You're prolonging the inevitable of teaching your baby to sleep on their own, not to mention the smothering risk factor. A few nights of hard crying, with you only checking on periodically (I would usually have to do this when my husband was out of town as he couldn't take it), and he'll be sleeping well...unless there is a bigger issue at hand that needs to be addressed by your ped. I don't know about Meletonin for this age, but I did have to use it for my 2 ADHD kids to help calm their minds. My oldest doesn't use it anymore since he's up later with homework and sports anyway.

I love to snuggle with my babies but I also love to sleep. nighttime is bedtime and my children sleep in their own beds. Your children will gain lots of confidence by learning to fall asleep in their own beds by themselves. You can go in and let them know they are ok, kisses and a snuggly blanket work great. It might take a while but it is worth it to get a good nights sleep. dont give up and dont stop snuggling with your children, just dont condition them to fall asleep with you there.

hi E.! first, you are not a bad mother for not snuggling with your son after he is put to bed. You are the parent and it is your job to teach him all that he needs, including how to sleep..it's a huge and important skill!! right now he has too much control and you have to change this, and not just explain it away by saying "we accept they are not good sleepers". it may not be easy, it may even take a few weeks (hopefully not!) but he is old enough to understand that bed time means sleep. make the time special, but be consistent, gentle but firm. tell him once lights are out he needs to stay ion bed and be quiet and sleep. he'll get the message if his calls for attention are not answered(by the way, i know it's hard! i have a 3 yo and a 20mo old and i am always afraid one will wake the other, i am also an attachment parent and loved co-sleeping whenthe children were younger) but sleep is a life skill they need for development and your sanity!! you can do it!! don't feel guilty!!
ps. maybe try a timer and do 5min of snuggles?? so when the timer dings its a clear sign?

It sounds similar to my situation I had with my now 5-1/2 yr old. Bedtime was just being drawn out, even when I knew he was ready to sleep! It was impossible to balance getting angry at him for repeatedly getting up/fighting bedtime, fighting with my 3 yr old boy who was following suit and trying to create a bedtime routine for my new baby boy! I strongly suggest talking to your son's ped about it and asking what she thinks of melatonin. Knowing my 3 yr old was just up because his big brother was, I don't give it to him. I give my 5-1/2 yr old less than 1/8 tsp of Melatonin each night before bed and its made an incredible difference. Since it is naturally produced in our systems anyway, I don't feel I'm actually medicating my son, more like supplementing. Typically, within 20 minutes he's asleep. He just needs the help to "wind-down" as he is a very busy boy with his mind working non-stop. I buy Melatonin in cherry-flavored, liquid form from a Vitamin Supplement/Health Food Store for less than $9 and a bottle it will last a couple months. I put the dose in the provided medicine cup, then top it off with a little water and it tastes like juice. Its worked miracles and my nights are more calm and more to myself. Best of luck.

Hi, E.! Our 3 3/4 year old needs to snuggle at most bedtimes too. All our sleep "problems" started when we put him in a big boy bed a year ago. He was a great sleeper until then, and shortly thereafter, the yo-yo phenomenon began--up and down, all night long. I was at my wit's end, and a girlfriend recommended the book, "Sleepless in America: Getting Your Family the Sleep It Deserves," by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. It was an invaluable tool for helping us cope with his change in sleep patterns.

A couple of questions for you: how much tv does he get in a day, or computer games? We found if our son got more than 1 1/2 hours, he slept less peacefully. Also, if we let him watch tv before bed, he has a really hard time going down. Ideally, I like the tv off 2 hours prior to bed; it helps him calm down.

Our son's bedtime routine is a little involved, and we only have one son, so we can spend this extra time with him: I read him 3 books, we brush teeth and go potty and put on jammies, then go to his bedroom and read a child's bible story, have prayers, and then turn on his music ("Velveteen Rabbit" with Meryl Streep and George Winston--it is the same every night. :) ), and then we lay with him for about 10 minutes. Our bedtime takes about 45 minutes total--it is a long time, compared to most of our friends. And lately, he still comes out and says he is lonely, or wants to give more hugs and kisses, or he has to go potty.

But what I learned about little ones and sleep is that they do not have the sleep skills that we do as adults, and it is harder for them to get themselves to sleep. Sometimes in their lives they will need more assistance in calming down enough before bedtimes and getting to sleep. This time in their lives is such a short time (although when you are exhausted it seems an eternity!), and soon they will not want or need us to be so involved in their bedtime routine. When our son is especially needy, I try to tell myself he will be grown up before we know it, and 10 years down the line, I will miss these extra cuddles. Doesn't always help, but sometimes it does. :)

I really recommend Kurcinka's book, E.. She has LOTS of really practical suggestions on how to coordinate your kids' routines to start to have more peaceful bedtimes. Also, REALLY try to limit tv/computer/loud toys, etc, before bedtime. It makes a load of difference to kids' ability to calm down and be ready for bed.

I hope this helps a little; I can only imagine how tired you must be! But this is probably only for a season--enjoy the extra cuddles, and use it as a little bit of downtime for yourself in the evenings. :)

God bless!

there is nothing wrong with snuggling but he shouldn't need you to fall asleep. And he shouldn't be getting up that many times a night. that will just make him and you overly tired and then he will have an even harder time getting to sleep the next night. I would suggest getting a book on sleep. We use the Sleep Lady's Book. Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. It is a gently guide, no cry solution to getting your kids to fall asleep on their own and stay asleep all night. It has worked great for out two kids. I also am breastfeeding and have a two year old. I would read the book it goes from newborn up to age five. And has lots of good info. And we do still snuggle our kids but we don't stay in there till they fall asleep. Good luck.

I have to agree with the snuggling moms and have always been against crying it out.

My youngest will be 6 next month and we still snuggle every night - like yours, she was never a good sleeper and has only been in her bed for a year. But for the last week, she has been sleeping all night in her bed (finally!!) and needing less time to snuggle before falling asleep. She wants me more than dad but I can't snuggle her every night.

We decided to alternate snuggle nights. This allows me and my husband every other night to be with her and the next night I have 30min to myself. There are no arguments for wanting the other parent and the grown ups have time away, too.

Hope this helps!

Hi E.:

After our bedtime routine is done, my son says he can't fall asleep and wants me to stay with him. I tell him that I will check on him in 15 minutes. And I tell him exactly what time that will be on the clock. I tell him if he is still having problems falling asleep after the 15 minutes, we'll talk for a few minutes. He is ALWAYS asleep within minutes of this plan. After a week or 2, he's quit asking for me to come back in. I'll usually say, "see you in a few minutes" when I leave the room. That seems to take care of any fears he has.

Good luck!

S.

We had a somewhat similar problem with one of our boys. We gave him a very soft snuggly bear, which he loved, and told him "Your Charlie bear is very tired. Will you cover him up with a blanket and snuggle with him? He really needs a friend." So he puts his "special" blanket over him and snuggles up with him. It doesn't work perfectly every night but definitely helps.

I only have one child, so my situation is different from yours, but I love to snuggle with my 2 yr old son most nights. We have a good routine and I have FINALLY transistioned him to falling asleep in his own toddler bed- but I have to be right there next to him and with my hand on his back. I am moving SLOWLY toward being able to sit in the chair near his bed without having to be touching him as he drifts off (we always rock together first in the rocking chair).

I have heard that for kids your son's age a "mommy pass" can be helpful. He gets a laminated pass or other item, and he can turn it in after you have left the room for one more time that you would come check on him for whatever he might need. He would need to understand that he only gets one pass per night and once he has turned it in, you will NOT be coming back in when he calls for you. He would need to understand that he needs to think about how badly he wants you to come back in before he uses his pass. (You can use this along side a regular "check back" time too. For instance, you will agree to check on him in one hour every night in addition to his pass.)

Best luck- mine has always been a multiple times waker too.

I am a Grandma of 11 and I raised 4 of my own. I am here to tell you that parents who let their kids sleep with them will never have a peaceful nights sleep, neither will your kids. You are not doing them any favors by letting babies sleep with you. It isn't about them when you let them into your bed in the first place, it is about you. I will not babysit over night for any of my kids who let their babies sleep with them either because that is a guarantee that I will be up a dozen times a night because a baby wants to "snuggle". So here is my advice, bite the bullet and endure a few nights of screaming and whining and put your kids back in their own bed. Stick with the routine at bedtime and make sure you give your kiddo some snuggle time just for them. And don't be afraid to try some Melatonin which is an "all natural" supplement which will help to adjust your childs sleep cycle. Half of a 2mg tab half an hour before bedtime and I guarantee you will have and easier time getting junior to bed. You may have a tough time for a few days or even a week or so but it is a small price to pay for a good nights sleep for the rest of your life and your child will sleep more restfully once they get over the need to be in your bed. The Church Lady

He wants to snuggle cuz he loves you and loves the security it gives him. My advice is simple. Suggle with him in his bed and while it is sometimes a pain, it won't be long and you will have to beg and plead for those snuggles, hugs and kisses. It is hard to appriciate things until you no longer get them. My guess is he will soon out grow the snuggle stage as he gets more indepenent. When my granddaughter was born I would snuggle with her all during her naps. We would rock in the recliner and take our naps together there. Everyone thought I was spoiling her, that I was crazy. When she started walking, she got to busy for snuggles in the chair with grandma and at the same time she got one of those little princess couches that folds out into a bed and she wanted her naps on that. It would bring tears to my eyes when she would choose that little couch over cuddling with me. She is 19 months now and has come back to cuddling with me for her naps. FYI, she gets put in her bed and goes to sleep on her own at home without any trouble. The cuddling is a grandma thing.

First of all, let me commend you on your wonderful use of the family bed especially as you transitioned to a new home. I think you are really in tune with your children.

Here are some ideas for helping your oldest relax for sleep:

1. memory foam as a mattress-pad topper
2. it's pricey but if you've got a laptop then you can load this program on it and he can do it once he is tucked into bed while you nurse your baby to sleep in the other room http://www.wilddivine.com/ (my 6 year-old began using it when she was 4) it will teach him how to relax and you will love it!!
3. which direction is his bed pointed? You might want to experiment with how his bed is positioned.
4. let him pick out a couple nightlights at the store, for him to use in his bedroom (I totally recommend the ones that do not change, rather get the ones that are dim and don't do anything fancy)
5. a big stuffed unicorn. Who doesn't like one of those??
6. remember....be consistent. He is going to persist in "fighting sleep until someone comes to cuddle him" only as long as they keep giving into him. He needs his sleep, as you know, and maybe get a little firmer with him on this?

Hope this helps. Good luck.

My kids slept with us up until my oldest was almost 6. I still snuggle them to sleep after we read books. My son has Sensory Disorder and for a long time he could not go to sleep without full snuggles. He is getting better now, but I believe that children will be better adjusted if they get their needs met, and just cutting them off from it id too traumatic.

One substitute is a weighted blanket. It won't be a quick fix, and they don't like it at first. It's finding the right weight and balance.

Check out "Raising a Sensory Smart Child." It has lots of suggestions.

At hour house we had a similar problem. I enacted the 3 time rule. After I put my son to bed and got him all the things he "needs" I told him I would only check on him three times. He became better about only calling us when he really needs somthing.