4 Year Old Unable to Entertain Himself.

Hi K., My 4 1/2 year old son is very similar! He does like to do pretend play ... but with you. He does not play well by himself ... he will color or paint for a short while. But if he is home, he follows me around bored. He is now in Pre-K full time. It is definately the best for him. He thrives on the constant busy schedule. I honestly think it is just first child syndrome and you shouldn't worry. But, you may want to find things to keep him busy so that you don't have to be the entertainer all of the time!

Good luck! D..
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Okay, for something a little different:
Please take this the right way (internet is hard to guage a person's intent or emotions). Why do we as parents think that children have to be entertained or happy all the time?

I would be willing to bet that since he is the oldest, you spent a lot of time with him from the day he was born. A first child is always given undivided attention because he has no competition. You are so excited and in love with your child you cannot get enough of him. Guess what? He learns to expect this constant attention and that is why the introduction of another sibling causes rivalry in the first place.

I do not think anything is wrong with your son. He needs to have times when he is bored. It is when a child is truely "bored" that the imagination begins to develop. It is okay for children to have times that they are bored and it is also okay for them to not be happy about it. By all means spend some quality time with him, but he needs to learn that the world and your family does not revolve around him (believe me the world will be showing him that later on). This obviously does not mean to ignore or even be mean to him, just do not give in to his demands all the time.

Maybe when he becomes an independent reader, it will become a way for him to entertain himself. Reading also stimulates the imagination and will help build his creativity. Even after he can read by himself, it is still important for him to be read to.

Good luck, sounds like a challenge ahead.

P.S. I also think it sounds like you need some serious "me-time" as well. You need a break from being a mommy, to do something for yourself. It will be good for your mental well-being and make you a better mom. Take care of yourself, so you can continue to be the great mom you seem to be.

I once had three boys those ages and your oldest sounds very much like mine. Now, at age 26, with a wife and two kids, he still doesn't like to be alone. That's his nature.

What is the relationship between your oldest and your second son? If they're not close yet, I would encourage you to gently (subtly) encourage that. Pull them into playing with each other and helping each other. (Young boys love to help if you emphasize that you need someone big and strong. It plays into stereotypes, I know, but it works.) Give them a task to do together, under your watchful eyes but without your interference unless safety becomes an issue. Have the older boy help the younger one with a puzzle or something. Foster that relationship and, not only will your problem be solved, but they will be friends for life. I speak from experience.

(I always thought it was easier having more boys than fewer. My oldest son, like yours, demanded all my attention. But as more boys were added to the mix--I have six now--I could just leave them alone to play with each other like a litter of puppies. Now that they're mostly grown, I really miss that.)

Hi K.,
There's an excellent book called "The 5 Love Languages of Children". (Find it at Amazon) I highly recommend this book. One of the "love languages" is quality time. This sounds like your son. He needs more quality time than your other children to feel loved. Don't buy into the concept that there's something wrong with your son. He will begin to feel your frustration and eventually believe there's something wrong with him as well. What I did with my oldest is to get started in playing something with her, then say-"I have to go check on something, I'll be back in 5 minutes." Be diligent and purpose to come back in 5 minutes. This will help develop trust in your son, that you'll do what you say and that he won't be alone. Another time when he asks you, "Mommy can you play with me?" say "okay, you go get (whatever) ready and I'll be in there in 5 minutes." This will help to stimulate him to think of something to do with you. Another time you be the first to engage him in something--writing, coloring, reading, legos, play-do, whatever. I know there's at least one something he really likes to do. Whatever it is, capitalize on it-even if it drives you crazy to do the same thing over & over. Eventually he'll move on to something else.
Also, in some things engage all of your children at the same time. Show him how he can play with his siblings. Build something, play ball, cook together-yes, it's possible.
I encourage you to use your own imagination as well. Tap into your inner child and come up with something...have a campout in the living room, build a fort, think of boy things to do-then let go of your inhibitions and just do it-even if you feel silly. You can have it all cleaned up by the time your hubby gets home.
God Bless!

Is he familiar with the computer? Most schools start computer labs in Kindergarten, so introducing him to the pc at his age would be beneficial. There's an educational website at www.starfall.com, it may take a little time with you sitting with him and helping him, but it's a terrific website once you get it figured out, my daughter loves it. There's a section where your child can make up a character or dress up a silly character. It may help in the process of doing fun things by himself and his pretend play. The sesame street website is entertaining too.

best of luck

There is this great book called "Nurture by Nature" that really helped me understand what was going on with my 6 yo, who has the same issues you describe-

He won't play by himself, has never been happy playing by himself, wants constant interaction with *someone*. He is also very outgoing, good at remembering people's names, always wanting a playdate with someone- the only times he is occupied happily alone are when he is watching TV, playing a game on the computer, or very rarely, when he is drawing.

The book is about Meyers-Briggs personality typing and how to apply it to children- even children as yound as 2 or 3, you can usually tell at least 2 aspects of their personality. My 6 yo is just extremely extroverted. I am fairly introverted and his constant hunger for attention really gets under my skin, but at least I understand it a bit better now! He is going to grow up into a very different personality from me- he'll be great in sales or politics or teaching or counseling or customer service or maybe even management- anything where he works with PEOPLE for a living! I think it's great that you have a school that your son enjoys, because you do get a break almost every day. If he doesn't engage in pretend play with others when invited, he may just be on one end of the scale- some people are very literal minded and prefer to interact directly with their environment and what they observe is really there with their senses, rather than imagining what could be. I know it seems weird to me too, as I'm one of those intuitive/imaginitive type people, but there it is- everyone is different.

Nurture by Nature is by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger.

You might also like the books from the Gesell Institute about child development. Look for titles by Louise Ames. For your 4.5 yo you would probably want to read "Your 4 year old: Wild and Wonderful" and "Your 5 year old: Sunny and Serene." Knowing what is normal for a 4 yo/5yo can be really helpful as they go through some really interesting stages (lying is coming up!) as they grow and it's nice to know that you are not the only parent dealing with a toilet regression or night terrors at certain ages.

HTH!

It wouldn't hurt to have him evaluated. I like Developmental Therapy Associated (DTA). My son is highly functional autistic and we didn't get a diagnosis until he was 10, but now it makes me realize why he wasn't good at imaginary play. But if that is the only sign, then he is just probably developing a little slower than other kids and/or just really wants your attention.

For a break for you, maybe an hour of some good kid's television like Sesame Street or Barney?

Dear K.,
I'm taking a different perspective with my answer. You don't mention his teachers expressing behavior concerns. What that means to me is that his dependency may not be quite as ingrained or serious as you think. I still think you should have evaluations done, though. If you can arrange now for him to get AG (academically gifted) support in kindergarten, you'll be ahead of the game.

My kids were spaced the same as yours and I worked full time while my husband was in school. I had my own need for my oldest to keep herself occupied while I was busy with the other kids and with juggling life. I lucked out because she was capable of playing in the corner or playing with the younger boys to keep herself occupied. If my middle son had been the oldest, I would have had problems similar to yours. He is extremely bright and has always felt more threatened by my attention to the others.

I think your son is probably being more needy right now because of the presence of the 2 month old. "Negative attention is better than no attention at all."
An analogy to younger siblings:
The husband brings home a new lover and says to his wife, "Hi Honey! I've brought home another wife just like you. Don't worry, I have enough love in me for both (all) of you ... and when she get a little older, you can play together. For now, though, she needs more of my time and energy, so I'm going to hold her and play with her all the time. Just go and play nicely alone in the corner and don't bother us while I keep her entertained and meet all of her needs. Just be nice and gentle with her while she's getting used to our world. And when she's older, she can have your old (valuable jewelry), crib/bed/high chair/stroller/room/bike/toys, etc... but don't break anything of hers!"

Give him a solid 15-30 minutes "alone time" every day. Have him help you to schedule the time. "When the other two are sound asleep with their naps, we can have our alone time." Read, have him help you make dinner, mate socks, fold washcloths, bake cookies, build Legos, ... Let him know how valuable it is having someone as grownup as him helping you when you have so much to do.
Try bringing home a couple of the small Lego kits. Let your son know that these are just for him, just for bigger kids because the pieces are too small to be safe for the other boys. Show him and work with him on how to follow the directions building the first one, then put it up on the mantle or someplace prominent and safe. Give him a second one. Encourage him to build this one himself. If he doesn't, work with him a bit until that one is built. Same with the third. Give him a sticker on a chart for each one, even if you've helped. Eventually, he has to do them himself, of course. Feel it out. When he has built 5 and has 5 stickers, then he has earned the ability to go with you and pick out the next one that he will do himself. When that one is done, etc. ...

Some call it bribery, but I became a great believer in using stickers/stars and sticker charts to maneuver the behavior of my children because the system worked!!

Just so you know, my middle son's testing when he was 4 y/o didn't reveal his ADHD. The psychologist checked his IQ, nothing else at the time, and said he would be reading in 2 weeks. I didn't realize that he needed a more complete psychological assessment until he was 7. He was the youngest identified AG student in the school, and the only kid in his first grade class who couldn't even read a sentence. This was three years later!
Good luck!!

Deja vu for me!!! I have 3 boys - 10, 7 & 3 - and my oldest was VERY much like this. Come to find out he is a gifted child and many years later is an enjoyable, smart, funny, active kid. I honestly do not have an easy answer for you, wish I did. At least your son sleeps well - mine did not. A couple of things you could try - dress up costumes, my son always loved knights and swords. You could probably find some good clearance stuff after Halloween. Puzzles? Water play? If you don't mind somewhat of a mess, my son would stand on a stool at the kitchen sink forever pouring, scrubbing, etc. i just put the water on a very light stream and filled up a bowl. If I think of anything else I'll post again. I'm feeling for you but just remember, this too shall pass!! COngrats on the new baby by the way :)

Hi K. C

It sounds like he feels he is alone. He wants all your attention and don't want to share it with his other brother.
It sounds like a jealousy. But I might be wrong.
Maybe bring them together and show that you love them all by maybe reading a book together. Say I love you together.
You might have to take him to an professional.
I hope the best for ya

Have a Good Day Today
Vicki W.

I agree that you should get your son evaluated - it won't hurt. But I also think it may just be how your son IS. Both my sons were great at playing alone, but I had a nephew who would NEVER play alone. He wasn't into writing and drawing like your son, he was into sports. He is 26 now and he turned out fine, but he never did learn to be by himself and entertain himself. Get him tested, then if there is nothing really wrong, just accept it.

Well, I have always heard that the oldest children are the best at entertaining themselves b/c they have had to play by themselves, use their imagination, etc b/c they were the first born. I think I would consider talking to someone. Initially I was going to suggest preschool but you said he is in school 5 days a week. Has this been going on his entire life, even before siblings? I have a friend whose daughter always wants to be with her. She wants to help, etc and doesn't like to be alone. She will play in her room but she would much rather be with her mom. Maybe it is normal, it would really bug me too though! My kids will easily be alone, they do call me a lot to "come see" which is annoying in itself. After so many times I say, "no, you come to me, you are the child and I am busy" and they do. Your 4 yr old is old enough to understand that he needs to play alone in his room or with his brothers. I would try to start small, say, "you are to play for 15 mins today with your brothers or alone in your room" if you can do that, mommy will read a book to you, spend time with you, etc" and then up it to 20 mins, 30 mins, etc Tell him that he has to learn to play alone to help his mind grow and learn. My son will play alone in the backyard for over an hour, he plays with the dog or just "explores" like he is Indiana Jones. Maybe you can find some things online like a game of collecting leaves, finding a rock collection, playing like Indiana Jones, Spiderman, etc going on a hunt in the backyard, ride his bike on the driveway, sidewalk chalk, etc

Good luck! W.

Sounds just like my daughter at that age. I struggled to find things she could do by herself, but then we discovered dress-up and she would spend hours playing dress up. Now of course, she needed an audience and was always seeking me out to show off her outfit or watch her performance, but at least she was doing some imaginative play by herself. With Halloween around the corner, now is a great time to stock up on all sorts of dress up supplies. I was just at Goodwill the other day and they still had a good selection of costumes.

The next best thing was when she was able to read by herself. She's now 7,and when she's bored she goes and picks up a book. She's in second grade and reading on a fourth grade level. When she was 4 we bought her a story reader, which reads the books out loud to the child and the child can operate it themselves. That was a great way for her to entertain herself. I would send her to her room for about 45 minutes of quiet time and she would listen to the story reader the whole time. When she was 5 we bought her a leapster and she would spend a lot of time entertaining herself with that. Both of these educational toys are still used in our house today (the story reader by her younger brother and the leapster by both kids).

Only read one response, but I agree that you should check out the 4 basic personality types AS WELL AS Gary Chapman's 'Five Love Languages' (@ http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/). We all have 1 or 2 basic 'languages' that we need to have 'spoken' to us in order to have our 'love tank' filled.
1) Quality time (sounds like YOUR son)
2) Acts of service
3) Physical touch (probably ANOTHER one like your son)
4) Receiving gifts
5) Words of affirmation
If you really DO the top two on his 'needs' list, you won't feel as if you have to do the others so much. Like, if he's a 'physical touch' person, when you DO spend 'quality time' with him, be sure to snuggle with him -- not keep him beside or across from you. See what I mean?

There's still evidently a basic need he has that's a 'new language' that you don't naturally 'speak'. (Hey, I'm 51 and STILL having trouble 'reading' my husband of 32+ years! I'd like to get inside his head for a few minutes and see what it feels like to be him!)

If you're the type to 'do everything' (SuperMom, like my own daughter is), you probably wouldn't notice if maybe he's even an 'acts of service' person and would respond if you have him 'help out' a lot! That would be a real blessing to you both!

God bless and hope this helps!