4 Year Old Acting up in Daycare-just Started, Please HELP!!!

I agree with the others - that is a LOT of change for a little boy to be dealing with. It sounds like your son has had different teachers because he has moved to a different room. (Also, did the other teacher leave? That is another situation that is hard for kids to deal with.) That is different than a new teacher in the same room. When students change rooms, there is an expectation that things will be different and teachers expect that it will take time for the students to get use to the routine. It is a little different when the teacher changes in the same room. Although we can process that the new teacher will be different (different ways of doing things) even though she is in the same room, a 4 year old isn't necessarily able to do that. The old teacher may have known that your son needs more transition time/warnings of change in activities and perhaps this one isn't doing things the same way or has changed some of the activities around so that she is more comfortable with it. All of this added to a move - even a happy one, is a lot to deal with.

Really talk to the teacher, ask about the schedule for the day. Try to incorporate this schedule (as much as possible) on the weekends. Encourage her to give warnings about upcoming transitions and changes in the schedule. Also, a reminder from you in the morning about what things he will be doing during the day and what you will be doing after school with him. "When I pick you up today, we are ..." gives him something to look forward to and focus on rather than the things he has no control over.

Although you don't say, will he be going to the same school? or a different one? If it is the same, does he understand that? if it is a different school, has he visited the new school yet? You can be excited about something and at the same time fearful of the other changes that go along with it. Different room, different friends in the neighborhood, moving away from people he knows, etc. That part is scary for all of us, even grownups! I know, I don't like change at all and have a hard time for about the first 6 months - even if I wanted to make the move.

Communication with the school is key right now. Perhaps they could make a chart where he gets a smiley face for each activity or transition he makes without yelling or hitting (he still needs the reminders, both about upcoming transitions and expectations). Good behavior all day might be perceived as unattainable and the first time he messed up, it was over. This way, if he messes up once or twice, he can still earn the prize. At the end of the day, if he has X amount of smileys he gets a "prize" which could be as simple as an extra book at bedtime. After a few days the amount of smileys needed goes up by 1. This added with extra snuggle time with you and/or dad, might go a long way to easing his fears.

Best wishes!

HI A.,
This is so hard... I had to deal with some of this with my son and it's no fun to feel or be told that your son is a "problem."

My advice is to meet with the teachers. Maybe the new teacher is not providing the consistency your son is used to or maybe it's just because she's new and he is having trouble adjusting. It could be that even though he seems excited about the move he's also having a lot of anxiety about it because he doesn't know what a new move really includes. It could also be his age. And it could be a combination of all of these things together.

I would meet with the teachers first and gather some information, and then come up with a consistent plan that you are using at home and at daycare. For instance you already know that he has trouble with transitions. Make sure that they are giving him 5 minute and 2 minute notice before a transition will occur. Make sure that they are coming down to his level and he is hearing them. My son would get very involved in play and not hear the warnings from someone calling him across the room. Come up with a plan that the daycare can use for consequences when your son is not behaving appropriately... this should be one that you is reasonable for their setting, but also that you are comfortable with and that your son can relate to. Don't punish your son at home for what happens at school. It's too abstract and punitive to have consequences in both places.

I would also really talk and listen to your son. At four he should be able to express some kind of feeling to give you insight into what's going on with him. You could also try to play act with puppets or stuffed animals and set up the scenario for him to open up through play. Try to be open with this and not leading and make it play... don't get a little bit of information and start grilling him about what it means.

The school shouldn't be calling you 2 to 3 times per day in my opinion. His behavior may be disruptive and difficult right now, but it is new behavior and it is their job to be able to handle it there. if you have a meeting and you and they are handling it on a united front, I think you're see a change in his behavior.

Good luck!

I have been in your shoes with my son. Looking back on it now, he was acting out something awful due to having a new baby in the house. I had always heard that a major change caused problems but he was so sweet with the baby and adored her (always asking to hold her, kissing, wanting to feed her and change her). Anyway, it is now clear that he was acting out due to his extreme anxiety due to the change in his life. I can pretty much guarantee you this is due to your move. Even if he seems to be excited about it. One thing I never thought is that kids can have major anxiety. They do and it's often hard to recognize. Since he already knows about the move, I don't know what the best way to handle it would be. In my opinion, you might just drop it. Do not let him hear you talking about it, on the phone with your new electric company, etc. There are somethings you will not be able to avoid, however. ....packing and boxes all over the place. Give him a lot of extra attention right now! Maybe plan an ice cream outing with a friend in his class and their parent. This way, when he goes to school in the meantime, maybe he'll have a connection at school to help distract him. If you feel the need to not pretend you aren't moving soon, ask him what he thinks his new room will look like. Give him some control right now because I assure you he feels as if he has none. For example: Ask him where he thinks his bed should be placed in his new room, and let him do that (even if he wants it in the center of the room). Let him make some decisions. Lastly, this might sound silly but try it. It worked wonders for us. Chewing and jumping are very calming activities. Before school every morning, see if you can get him to jump on a trampoline for 10 minutes. Or, take him for a jog around the block. 20 jumping jacks or crashing onto the ground after jumping off a chair 10x is another idea. Also, give him gum or something really hard to chew (now and later's, gummy bears, gum). I know what you are thinking, candy for breakfast! The sugar is not the greatest, yes, but find something chewy. You can also have him drink yogurt through a straw. The sucking is calming too. When I was first taught to do this, it sounded ridiculous. It worked quite well, actually. Talk to his teachers about what's going on. This constant punishment is only creating more anxiety. He's probably feeling out of control and he may or may not understand why everyone is on him when he's feeling so bad inside . He's 4 and knows right from wrong but he really needs more positive attention right now than negative. It's a hard thing to do when kids are acting out, I know! You can't reward them for the negative and when it seems as if there's more negative behavior than positive, it's really, really hard. Find it though! Even if it's something you expect from him. Ex: you are sitting at the table like a big kid. Treat him like an important part of the family and ask him to help you all with some decision making. He will feel valued. Lastly, when you talk to the teachers about his behavior. Ask them if instead of a time out, his punishment can be to run a lap around the playground instead. There's no guarantee it will work for you/him but I think it's worth a try. I learned all of these things from a therapist. It didn't fix all of our problems but I certainly noticed an improvement! Good luck, I KNOW how stressful this is for you!

It may be the new teacher, especially if he really liked the old one. If so, she really needs to work on him. You can't do her job for her. However, if it's not about the teacher and you've been talking to him about moving, then that's probably at the root of this (provided nothing else has changed). Punishing him at home for acting up at school won't usually work, as you've found out. Maybe he needs more conversation about what will happen when you move. Ask him what he thinks will be different. It's amazing what their little minds can imagine. Everything he knows about life at your house will change, and he doesn't know how life will be in the new house. He may have this anxiety that he doesn't understand, so he acts out. Good luck.

I have just gone through this with my 3 1/2 yr old daughter. She has been going to the same school since she was 3 mths old and has handled each transition to the next class very well. However this particular transition - to the "big class" has been really hard for her. So much so that I considered taking her out to ease the anxiety. BUT the director worked with me and began intercepting her at the front door and walking her into her class. She told me that her behavior - throwing her fit about not wanting to go in her classroom - was more of a habit (and of course my trying to console her was part of that problem). Once she stepped in and ushered her into the classroom for about 2 wks the problem stopped. She was right - it was a habit and something that mommy responded to. Now we kiss goodbye in the lobby and I hand her the backpack and off she goes like a big girl. I have seen several kids have issues with this age group transition - primarily due to the fact that classes up until this age are usually more "play" like. And once they reach this age it becomes more structured. Also going from the oldest in the class back to being the youngest is tough. In our case it did get better but I had to trust the director and it was really hard for me not to console her....but it all worked. She was also throwing fits at naptime, etc. Good luck - I hope it will work out soon. Will he be going to the same daycare after the move??? I can't remember if you said or not...

His behavior is not developmentally appropriate. That is 2 yr old throw a fit behavior. He should be able to transition already and not run around out of control. I speak the voice of experience not only as a former childcare director but as a parent of a child who went nutty in 4 yr old preschool. Look up Sesory Processing and see if any of it fits him. If so, you can talk to your pediatrician about seeing an occupational therapist and they can work wonders with teaching coping skills when it comes to life's little frustrations for your child. Our ot changed our lives! I wish you all the best!

We had similar issues with my son. At one point we had to switch daycares because it ended up being an issue with the daycare center. Your son may not click with every teacher, and every teacher may not have enough experience to deal with strong willed children. Children need consistency. If he is given a warning, then you (or the teacher) must follow through with the consequences otherwise he will run run wild and push it to the absolute limit. This is the issue we had.

A book that helped us immensely was Parenting the Strong Willed Child:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

This was recommended to us by a child Psychologist. We also had my son evaluated and found out that he is very smart, which also posed lots of problems because if he's bored he may act up.

I would strongly urge instead of punishing him to try and get to the root of the problem. It could be that he is trying to tell you something. It could be something else going on like ADD. You may want to check with your pediatrician.

Good luck!

Tell the daycare about your upcoming move and talk to the new teacher about his behavior and the new move. At least the daycare and the new teacher will understand the new changes going on in your son's life and should give your son a little bit more compassion and understanding.

If the teacher is not understanding of the situation then you know you have a problem teacher. Ask for him to be moved in another class. I really do believe that some teachers and kids just do not mesh well and some teachers will automatically put labels on kids as "bad kids".

My husband's grandmother moved in with us temporarily for a period of time during my last semester in nursing school. It was a big change for us. I immediately told my son's daycare about the new family dynamic and they thanked me for letting them know. My son's teacher made sure that he had consistency throughout the day. Did he act up? Yes, but the difference was that the daycare knew ahead of time that he was going through changes and that we as a family unit were dealing with a lot of extra stress. They worked with my son and we all got through the transition.

Good luck to you and you family.

Something is going on at the daycare and you need to make a surprise visit.

Hi, I just happened across your post and am reading a wonderful book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so kids will talk" -- and I have a toddler in mothers' day out program, and it seems there are some additional acting out things we have to work on as well. The book has some really thoughtful tips even in the first chapter. It sounds like you are already having success, but if this book has anything that might be useful, I would highly recommend it, especially for helping a preschooler express himself and know that he is understood. It is just very enlightening, has a very different approach to communicating with one's child than the one I was brought up with myself.

I would try taking a couple days off work/daycare and staying home. Maybe he just needs a break. If that doesn't help, you may want to talk to your pediatrician.

How is the new teacher with him? I remember my son was doing this years ago and I noticed one day when we were in the store the teacher came over and he started running from her. This was a red flag to me because otherwise I do not think he would run from someone he is familar with like that. If I were you I would try to go in unannounced for a short observation without your child seeing you if you can. There is reason for concern.