4 And 9 Year Old Step Daughter Behavior Problems

J.,

Sometimes punishing and taking away things has the reverse effect of what it is supposed to have and in your case, I think that is exactly what is going on. You can take whatever you want away but when they go to mom's they will be allowed to do that and other things. Try a reward system instead for good behavior. You need to post rules (no more than 10 but I would start with probably 2 or 3) that you can't live without being in place. When they follow those rules for the day they can put a sticker next to their name on a chart. Have rewards for ever 3-5 stickers they attain with the rewards getting bigger as they earn their stickers. When they have mastered those 2 or 3 rules introduce some more. Or you can do the rule thing with marbles. Get a jar and everytime they follow a direction or behave appropriately a marble goes in the jar. When they are caught being disrespectful one comes out. On the jar put 3 or 4 lines and on the lines put 3 or 4 different activities. As the jar fills up to the lines, the girls receive whatever activity in written on the line. Hope that helps.

K.

Joanna,
I myself have 3 step kids.. only one that lives with us. as for the other two they live with her.. well let me put it this way, there mother did the same thing by letting them go wild and giving them candy,soda to make them go wild before she brought them home ( and she would laugh about it) I run a tight home with rules and if they broke a rule they would get the time outs and things taken away.. but it did not help.. only when I sat them down right before they would go with her and tell them that things are different for her home to ours and I would go over the changes that is going to happen..and when they would return, the moment they walk in the door we would sit and talk about what went on with the stay with the mom, what they liked and disliked.. and that seem to work with the additudes..alot.. and understood the differents between the two homes, but when it started to work and everyone was happy ( but her).. she filed for them to live with her, and we let the kids deside..( the oldest one chose to live with us because he understood alot more then the younger ones). and the younger two to live with her and was forbided to see us til this day...( that is how she controls them) we love and miss them but it has been 7 years now..
I hope this will help, B.

I know where your coming from. I have the same problem with my step daughter who just turned 10. She, however, doesn't see her mom any more. Her mom has been out of the picture for almost 2 years now, but we/I still feel the blunt of it all. Rachel is in therapy now. I would suggest talking first with the school guidance counselor and see what he/she thinks. That is where we started. For one, it's free and second they are there with your children five days a week and in a neutral zone. her guidence counselor talked to her once a week and suggested that we needed to get professional help.
As far as disipline...we are as lost as you are. We have tried everything. Sitting in a corner, took her tv away, no phone, couldn't go to grandma's, we even went as far as to take everything including the door from her room except the bed and her clothes. Nothing fazes her. I feel most days that we are fighting a losing battle. Her therapist have upped her therapy and are trying new things to help out. I don't have alot of advice about the disipline, but know that your not alone. It has helped me out tremendously to know that I am not the only one that is going through all this. If you need to talk or vent just let me know. I will keep you and your family in my thought and prayers.

Hi, I have a step-daughter myself and it has been a great challenge. I am a mother of 3 boys ages 11, 6 and 1. My step-daughter is 9, although she has not started talking back I do get the "I don't have to listen to you" looks. Kids learn at a very young age how to push buttons. She comes to our house every other weekend where we have rules and structure. At her house there's none. She use to act up with us but then we had to tell her that when she comes to our house she will abide by our rules or else and we gave her consequences. Being a step-mom has been the hardest. We have come along way with the Ex but it takes a Village to raise kids. Try talking to their mother and parent together! It takes time to be able to do this but the kids will only benefit from it. You can also try praising or rewarding the good behavior or chores well done and see if that helps. Good Luck!

Hi J.,

First off, you might say to the 4-y-o, do you understand that saying your sorry means that you won't do it again? Also, instead of telling them you might try asking them...Why did you do that? Are you supposed to wear that to school? What would you do if your friends did that to you? What do you think we should do about this? It makes them think things through more than just being told what to do. The best part is that you can direct the conversation with your questions.

Any chance that the mother might try to be more consistant with the really big rules? Or maybe writing her a note that says something like "these are the rules when they're with us so that they don't try to tell you it's OK when it's not" type thing. Wish I could be of more help!

Good luck!!