My step daughter is 11. I married her dad four and a half years ago. In the beginning she was the perfect angel. Now she is a complete devil. Her father and I have 2 little boys together and she was ok with that. Now she acts as though she completely hates them. I do not disipline her because I feel it is more her dad's job. She goes home from her weekends here and tells her mom lies and has been caught in lies and is has caused a huge amount of problems. Not only does it cause problems between us and her mom and step dad but it has caused a huge problem with me and her dad. I dont feel like he is doing all he can to better the situation and make me the good guy again. I get her what ever she wants and I take her wherever she wants to go. My question is, has anyone been in his type of situation and how do I get back to being the good guy again?
mY STEP DAUGHTER HAS NOT CAME OVER YET. sHE SHOULD BE HERE THIS WEEKEND AND HER DAD AND I ARE COMING TO SOME SORT OF RULES THAT ARE FAIR. HE STILL BUTTS HEADS WITH ME, BUT WE ARE TRYING. I AM GONNA STOP TRYING TO BUY HER AFFECTIONS AND FOCUS ON JUST BEING A FAMILY. THANK YOU ALL AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
Hi my name is N.. I have a 11 year old step daughter too. Me and my husband also have a 4 year old son together. i had that in the begining with her hating her brother. but now she is getting really good with him. it will take some time but she will come around. If you would like to talk more to me my email is ____@____.com
N.
Hello,
I had the same problem with my step daughter except she didn't like me at all until she came to live with her dad and I. She is now 16 years old. She was eleven when we first got together and lived with her mom. It seemed like the problem came from her mom rather than her. I don't know your situation with the ex-wife but that may have something to do with the change. Some parents may not admit to coaching their kids but they do. When I got pregnant with our daughter that was when it really got bad. She said that she would never have a little sister and had to be forced to come to my baby shower. Fast forward to last year she came to live with us because her mom had a drug problem (long story). I can't say that I was that excited but I understood. She ended up becoming really close with her sister and me. She know calls me more than she does her dad. I believe what you say about the dad has to discipline his daughter because he has the history with her and you don't. Stop doing everything for her because they tend to take advantage of that and use you. I know that sounds bad but it will save you a lot of heartache. I guess what I am saying is that they know it is going to cause problems between you and your husband and they like that. Kids always want their parents back together. Maybe her dad needs to sit down with her and have a heart to heart about what her problem is. Do not fool yourself no matter how much you do and love them you will never be the good guy. Be realistic in what your dealing with. I know because I have been hurt to many times by my step daughter just when I thinks she loves me something happens and it gets worst when they get older. You guys need to work it out know. My big concern is for your boys it is not their falt that their sister does not like them. Maybe you need to put it to your step-daughter like that. Children can sense that. It would be very selfish on her part to do that to her brothers because the are innocent in the situation. I hope this helps and sorry I went on and on about everything this subject gets me going just don't let her get what she wants and keep your marriage strong for your boys. Thanks, C.
I've been where your stepdaughter is now. Except I'm pretty positive that you're a much nicer stepmom than what I have. Something is obviously really bothering her and you guys have to get to the bottom of it. Maybe even with counseling. Also, you may want to encourage your husband to spend some time with her, alone. Go to a movie, shopping, the park. Something. If she's not getting the time she feels that she needs with him - she's not only going to resent you but anyone else who is around him. And please, please - don't say she's acting like the devil. She's 11 yrs old and there's something wrong, she needs you, her father, her mother & her stepfather to really stick it out for her right now.
Hi A., this is a tough spot and all i can offer is to talk to your husband and make your home by your rules!
meaning yes, you need to step in and put your foot down with her. children need to have disipline by both adults. and you are disipline your two sons when they get into trouble right?
and you are not disipline her?
why she must feel different that you love those boys enough to do something and then you don't treat her the same way can be very confussing to her. (i know you love her)
plus in the long run your boys will pick up her ways if you continue letting her get away with only having to face her dad.
i too was in a home with step parents on both sides. i was not treated any different than if they were my birth parents. i learned real fast to show them the out most respect because they lovede me because they wanted to.
have you tryed to spend girl time with her alone? maybe she is feeling she is shareing her dad and step mom to two new members and she wants to have one or both of you own every now and again.
remember the new ness of these two babys maybe wearing down and for her to get attention she must act out.
these are just ways to look at it. i am not saying that any of these things are the reason but think about them.
i wish you luck and keep a open mind.
oh yeah another thing to look for is does she think by gettting along with you she is betraying her mom.
i know at that age is when i felt i need to pick sides and for a small period of time i wanted my dad to me and only me!
she is really trying to say something and you guys need to find out what.
again good luck,
T.
I can't say that I have ever been in your situation, but I have been in your stepdaughter's. As a child from divorced parents, I know her behavior is not uncommon. Plus, remember she is on the verge of female adolesence and we all know what a trying time that is. The best thing that you could do, if at all possible, is to set up a meeting between the both of your families with your stepdaughter there. She needs to know that she can't play one parent or one set of parents against the other. Plus, that will increase the lines of communication between the two families as well. Use a lot of "I messages" ( I think, I feel) and stay away from being accusatory or blaming (you always do, you never...)
Hope that helps!
Hey A. been there did that still doing it. My son is 12 now and we have but heads since day one. He told his mom i beat him with a hanger, big time lie, Well anyways i just treated him like all my other kids, He has a brother and we have 2 girls of our own. All four kids live with us. My advice is to stand firm and ot be their good guy but their parent. I hate to tell ya but right now and until they get out of high school you are going to be the bad guy most of the time. And my son didn't really start respecting me till my husband did by us uniting and not letting the kids play us
A.,
I wish I could help you with this situation, but my brother in law is kinda like this. He is 13 and disrespects his mother majorly. He hasn't been caught lying though. My advice is to be firm on her and stop buying her everything she wants when she wants it. She is being a brat. I think she resents the fact that she isn't the center of attention anymore (your and her dad's two little boys). I also think she is trying to make things better in her life by splitting you guys up. I would sit her down with all the parents and have a good talk with her and explain how things are going to be. When you include all the parents in the talk, they all know what is being said and she doesn't have the chance to lie to anyone.
Good luck and I hope I have helped a little bit.
My step daughter is 14. I'm still the bad guy but her dad shares the title with me. We sat down and had a long talk about what rules should be and what punishment should be. Once my husband and I agreed we sat down with my step daughter and had her write a list of rules she thought we fair. We added a few and then made copies and posted them in her room and on the fridge. She knows what is expected and what will happen if she doesn't follow the rules. It saves us alot of money by not giving her whatever she wants. I was really just bribing her anyway. Things will get worse with her before they get better, at least they did for me but if you have dad's support it's alot easier to deal with. Things did get a little better once she realized that we were a united front and that we would talk to her mom about what goes on at our house. I think that it's a teenage thing I wasn't very nice to my mom at that age and I think that having a step mom makes it easier to act out against the step mom and not so much to her mom. I wish you the best of luck and strength and understanding from all parties.
Hi there, sorry I dont have any advice about your step daughter, but I am also a sahm. Looking me to meet other moms around my area. My boyfriend and I live in East Ridge. I have a beautiful 14 month old daughter. Here's my email if you'd like to talk more. ____@____.com
Dear A.,
I too have step children. They live in Ohio with their mom and stepdad and we haven't been able to get them for visits for over 2 years now because their mom got mad at my husband on one of the visits during Christmas break when he didn't arrive at her house to pick them up when she wanted him there. It has been pretty stressful for him not being able to see them. I can relate to what you are saying about the kids acting up and me leaving the disipline up to their dad. I never thought he supported me enough in decisions or rules that I made while his kids were visiting which really put a strain on our relationship. I was supposed to be caregiver while he worked and was not supposed to set up any kind of rules for them because it wasn't things he thought needed ruling on. We have a 21 month old daughter and we butt heads on her disipline as well.
I read some of the other responses to your question and I have to agree with one of them--stop buying her everything she wants and taking her where ever she wants to go and be firm and let her know that you aren't going to put up with her being a brat any longer. It sounds to me like she is trying her best to cause conflict in both households in order to get what she wants. I hate that she is jealous of your two boys. I would also have to agree what one of your responders said about all the parents and her sitting down and talking things through that way she can't lie about what was said. Good luck with this. Please let me know how things go! I hope that we can be friends.
I just recently moved to the Childersburg area and away from all my friends and family and could really use some support of some kind adjusting to the new surroundings and such.
L.
