I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter with some severe anger issues. Today she was kicked out of her preschool until Monday. She has a huge problem, with kicking, hitting, spitting and using language such as "stupid, ugly." Her preschool has been extremely patient and tolerant with her but I even heard the message on my work phone and I could hear her hitting the walls, screaming, calling the owner names. She is going to start kindergarten in August and I am so afraid of her going. We have tried every form of discipline we can think of including stripping her room of everything. My son who is 10 is not like this. Today, I put in a call to the mental health department with my HMO. I don't know what to do and am desperate to get those issues under control. I can't afford to stay home and I don't want her kicked out of preschool one month before she is to start school. Any suggestions or anybody go through this and get help for their child? I came home and went to the bathroom and cried because I am just exhausted with this issue. She does it to me, my husband, family. We have had to physically hold the door shut because she gets in these rages. When she is not in these rages, she is such a joy to be around but I don't know what exactly sets her off. I do hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you everybody for your advice. What I failed to mention was that I went through the same thing with my son. Found out later on at around 1st grade was that he had ADHD and a mild form of autism but he has had open heart surgery and now they are starting to see a link between children learning disabilities and open heart surgery. So these huge meltdowns are nothing new to me but I was concerned with my daughter because she does not have the same health history as my son. We also have a family history of ADHD and anger issues. So I took her to the therapist. He just said he would have to wait it out. Give her love and support. Like I wasn't already doing that. I was getting irritated with him because all the so called advice he was giving me, I had already done! He was telling me that I need to be proactive in her education blah blah blah. I stopped him and said, "listen, I have a son who is on a special education plan at school, I am huge advocate for him and keep in constant communication with his teachers and I plan on doing the same thing with her." So he stopped and said that maybe she needs to be evaluated but that she is too young and we should wait. So for now, I wait. I will continue what i am doing with her and wait until she is in 1st grade like the good therapist said. I feel there is more they can do for her but I just don't think they want to take the time to work with her. He didn't even want to see her. That was the kicker! Well I will keep you informed!!! Thanks again for the advice.
L.,
I wonder if there is something physiological that's going on in her brain. There's a place called Bridges to Success that will come into her pre-school class & do an assessment & let you know what they find out. They just come in & observe the child without that child knowing who or why they're there.
Their number is ###-###-####.
Good luck!
Dear L.,
I know, there must be some help for you. Firstly, do you think that she is too young for Kindergarten ? Even if her birthday is the 'correct time' for your school district. Maybe you could have her stay with a group that is only about 4 or 5 children this year. like a mommy babysitter who takes care of children in her home. Pick a low key mommy if you do and visit the place - of course, you know that. It won't hurt her to stay out of K. for this year. It may help in a lot of ways - like finding out what is really bothering her. It will take a lot of pressure off of you and your family too, so that you can spend this year getting her on the right road to being peaceful inside herself.
Also, high praise for calling about mental health. This could be something serious. I was a preschool teacher and had a little boy about 3 1/2 with a terrible temper like that too. He did the same thing and finally quit. One day he started his tantrum again, so I just took him into a room that was not used often, and let him have a whale of a fit - tantrum, yelling and cursing and crying and snot running out of his nose, he threw chairs and tore papers off the wall. I just stood back and was there to help him not hurt himself. After a loooooong time, he quit and started really crying. I put him on my lap and cleaned him up and asked if he wanted to go out to play. He nodded and so we went out of that room hand in hand. We went to the water fountain, he was so short that I held him up to the water, and then he got a huge gulp of water in his mouth puffing out his cheeks, I just knew he was going to spit it on me, so I asked him if he could spit his water over the fence. He did. then he got some water to drink and we walked around the yard together and he decided it was time to ride a tricycle, and he did that peacefully. In the next few days he was a lot calmer, and finally wanted to go home to be my little boy. I almost cried. I still think of him often and wonder how the rest of his life has been. I found out later that he was not a welcome child because his mother's parents and gr parents did not 'like' his daddy. What a burden for a child. Anyway, I am sure that is not true with you, but you can see how children react sometimes when they think that they have a problem that they don't understand or of course do not know how to solve.
I hope that you and your family can work this out and get peace back into her soul.
Sincerely, C. N.
I would like to suggest a book called Holding Time by Martha G. Welch. You can also do a google for holding thereapy and check out this link. http://www.primal-page.com/holding.htm
I have 2 nephews with Autism and this worked great for them. It takes some practice, but can be very effective.
Hi-
I think you're on the right track trying to get therapy services for your daughter. I would suggest you try to get them as quickly as possible. To be this angry & have outbursts like this is a big red flag of something else going on. It is not typical behavior of a child her age. Our son, 6.5 yrs, has quite a temper & we started him w/therapy this year. I think it helps him to have an objective outsider to talk to. We also really try to praise the positive. I suggest you try this as well. For anything nice or positive she does, lay the praise on thick. Even mundane things that are expected for her to do. Have you tried a reward chart/system? Our son chooses something to work for & then we decide how many stars he needs to get to earn the reward. I'd also suggest you stop stripping her room of things & try to be lessoreason, it's much easier to point out the negative than the positive but once we started, we saw a HUGE difference in our son's behavior. Hoefully, you can get your daughter the help she needs & things work out. Best of luck!
I have a five year old little boy who behave exactly the same way. I also have stripped the room of his stuff however he still gets into theses rages. Yesterday I had to take his bird away because he through the cage across the room. If you get any advice could you forward them to me. Thanks so much N. s
Dear L., thanks so much for sharing about your daughter. My 3 1/2 yr old is also really intense. Scratching (drawing blood!) at pre-school, flying into rages, and very demanding. We have a hugely loving home, and my husband and I are both yoga teachers, so it's really his temperment, not anything I think we are doing. I find dealing with him some days utterly exhausting and have been close to my edge several times. I call the local parent support service center (in SF it's Talkline for families) and they have a 24 hr parent support line. Twice they've talked me out of a very dark place with him screaming in the background. I'm also pursuing psychological services at our HMO too. But, what I wanted to pass onto you that has been HUGELY helpful are two books:
-How to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen
-STEP The Parenting Handbook (Don Dinkmeyer)
I cannot recommend these books too highly. Have read them both twice and keep re-reading for new strategies. Hope that helps.
Wow sounds very familar my daughter was 3 when we found out she had anger issues,I sought out someone in my school district that could guide me cause i told them look my daughter will be attending this school in your district i sense a "problem" with anger I need you to point me in a direction that can assist me with this so I can help you as well as muy daughter before i hand her over to the teacher this new school year and sure enoughI was refered to the kindergarden phycologist made an appt then my daughter was diagnost with cronic depression at 4 sounds crazy right, I know I thought so too...In short she is now 9 and has been with a physco therapist since about 4, never been put on meds and honestly its the best thing i ever did and you know as a parent its alot to go to someone and tell them everything that has ever gone on in your childs life good and bad so they have some background info and I am pleased to say I think because I was such an open parent to the therapist thats why my daughter is not and has never been on any form of medication for her anger.we now deal with things as they arrise she has small problems with her academics cause we the teachers and I were so concerned with her emotions we let some of the simple stuff slide, which we have a tutor for now. So please take my advise and try this and meds are not always the answer some one on one time for your daughter to express herself once a week with somethat is there for just her may be just what she needs. and FYI my background I work full time so does my husband and I have three kids that range 9yr girl, 5yr girl (shes fine cause I applied what the therapist taught me),1 yr boy.
Also you know not all therapist are the same not to mention you have to start with the school they are trained to look for younger kids with ADHD and other disorders inorder to help the parent sounds like you got a bad therapist i found a lady in hayward nicest lady ever if you'd like all I can say she is in the lineken building on main, she is a LMFC licensed marriage and family counsular check it out and don't give up hope!
This sounds really painful for you. My daughter who is almost 5 also has some anger issues. I think she has picked some of it up from me. I didn't know how to deal with all of her emotions when she was younger and I found myself taking on her frustration. I wasn't allowed to show my emotions growing up, so I didn't know how to be there for her. It was really painful for both of us. In the past year, I found something that saved my relationship with her. It is an organization based in Palo Alto called Hand in Hand. Their mission is nurturing the parent-child connection. The foundation of the tools, courses and support they offer is "listening". Listening to our children, but also having the support to have someone listen to you. If we are able to unload our emotions through anger, crying or laughter we are then capable think clearly and make wise choices. We don't need to be "fixed", we just need to be heard, accepted and loved for all that we are and feel.
This is an article from their site, which is really resourceful, lots of articles and success stories to read:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/00...
I hope this is helpful.
Well When my nephew started acting like that it was because of a big change in his life, his parents split. My friends daughter acts like that and it is because thats how her mom acts, thats what she sees. and then again she could also just need more love, you could try having speciale days with just mommy and her. a set day that she could look forward to, so you too can bond like the zoo or whatever SHE is into.
P.s. some parents NOW A DAYS dont belive in spanking. well all i have to say about that is NOW A DAYS it seems as kids dont listen and disrespect there parents. not saying that your child does, but holding the door closed on her was probably scary and she will remember that, but a good spanking she will learn from. Remember TALK TALK TALK to your kids as a friend dont always disapline for there mistaks sometimes you gotto let them slid, expecaily when they come to you about it, that means there putting trust in to you. talk to your kids about you day your life the family, the gosip, the worries they will feel closer to you.
First off how long has this been going on and what settings does this occur in? What discipline style is consistent and who is the primary person to discipline?
I have had this problem for years! MY son is now 6 and he still throws his fits at times, but I got the handle on this thru Sierra Vista Counseling Center in Modesto, CA. Christine was wonderful, after evaluating my family history found that my father and mother both are alcoholics. It is in my sons' blood stream, the anger, the throwing, the hitting, and my son use to pull my hair from the back seat, FROM HIS CAR SEAT!!! Now I learned thru them about 2 yrs ago that this is NOT NORMAL and he just needed to know who was in control- ignoring him and not paying any attention to him worked. He had to learn that he is just the child, I am the adult and no matter what he does he will not get me. Girl, it was the most difficult time I had with him but you know what, it has been over 2 yrs now and man, these little fits he throws are nothing, I just have to look at him and he will stop. YOu will be fine, believe me just hang on for the wild ride!!
Hi L.,
I wondered if you've had any resolve... I have a "spirited" now five year old and we went through some difficult times, too. She is now thriving and there is plenty of solutions available to you if you're still in need. It took me a long-time until I finally found what works best for her temperament, but rest assured, you are not alone in your feelings and frustrations. I ended up getting my daughter psychologically evaluated at the recommendation of her preschool teachers who were using techniques that worked against her and the professionals I received help from recommended that I find other more flexible programs.
Email me back if you're still in need, okay? I'd be happy to share our experiences with you in hopes that it may bring you additional help and resources.
- dida in mtn. view
Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. My 17 year old is fine. My 9 year old has been having those same rages since 3. He was in 4 different day cares, and is now in his 4th elementary school. It is very, very difficult to handle. Last year they diagnoised him with ODD, then ADHD with mood disorder NOS. He has been on triliptal for 1 1/2 years. At first it seemed to be working. Not now. They just diagnoised him with bipolar 1, rapid cycling and ADHD. And want to put him on Lithium. We are researching and the drug makers are researching. Normally he is a very sweet, fun loving boy. Then the rages, sensitivity, hatred for self and others come in. Kinda seasonal. Fall through winter he is rageful and has these episodes, spring and summer he does great for the most part. He would even hit the teachers. throw furniture, escape from class and try to escape from school. He has a IEP now, and is in a special ed class. Have patientce, pray and get all the help you can. It took me many years of help to finally make a decision. I would not just listen to the first or second opinion. I wish you lots of luck. And strength. This don't mean your daughter has this. But there is hope.
Hi L.,
I don't have a 4 1/2 year old, so, I can't relate, entirely. (My son is 10 months old. I like to read about these issues to know what I may be in for.) Anyhow, I'm reading Harvey Karp's book Happiest Toddler on the Block and he talks about ways to deal with tantrums. The book says it is for 1-4 year olds, but, maybe some of the the suggestions could help. It's a quick read, too.
Best of luck to you.
