3 Year Old Regressing

While my 3 YO has not regressed with potty training, she sometimes just wants to be a baby and then sometimes she wants to be a big girl. She is pretty much an only child. Her older sister is 25 YO so we don't have that type of stress. I think we all do that to some degree...sometimes I am a grown adult and don't need to be told what to do or how to do things and then sometimes, I think I may be insulted if someone makes reference to me as if I am ancient and I want to be young again.

Just take a deep breath and take it day by day. He will adjust to his new brother and move along progressively.

Congratulations! Pull out the photo album or scrapbook and talk to him about all the people who held him and show him all the pictures you have of him taking a bath, dressing him etc. This will help. He doesn't have any concept of time at this point and will believe that he was always being held or taken care of in some way. This will help and time will take care of some of it too. Also, treat him the way you want him to be. Praise him in the morning for being such a big boy and how you love the fact that you don't have to change his diapers anymore. Give him a job. He is big enough to spread up his bed every morning and put his pjs away. Let him pick out he baby's clothes. Let him be as big as he is physically able to be.

Children also have "stress", just like adults and it gets manifested in different ways.

Regression, is a symptom of stress.

Do not do anything that will make it worse. Being an "eldest" child, all of a sudden, is a great stress for some children... it's a BIG thing to weigh on their shoulders.

Think about that. Do not expect him to be older than he is, do not put the responsibility on him to be "perfect" and to be "an example for his younger siblings." They are simply not mature enough for this expectation, nor do they want this responsibility. It can be much to much.

My daughter, when I had my son, would actually tell me things like "Mommy, I'm just a little girl... don't expect me to be grown up..." or, "...don't expect me to be perfect..." And what a jolt to reality that was... and boy did she teach me something. Yes, my little girl was right and wise. When I really key into my daughter amidst the "busy-ness", I can really tell when she is feeling "stressed" and perhaps I am expecting too much at a certain time from her... then I back off. I talk with her, I even will 'apologize' if need be. I think, its very important for a child to HEAR their Parents apologize to THEM too. I teaches them about life and about relations, about family.

It is not just about spending time with the eldest child... it is about what the Parent(s) expect of him, how he is viewed, how he is nurtured, how he is integrated into the "new" family structure, how he is enabled to "be" and not expected to be, etc.

I once had a child vent to me... she was about 6 or 7, and she sat down by me and just started spilling her guts... telling me how "miserable" she was and how her parents ALWAYS blame her for anything and for any cry her younger siblings make, and how she always had to do everything, and how NO ONE listened to her, and how she always had to "baby-sit" her younger siblings... I told her she should talk with her parents about it... and she said no, because her parents never listen to her anyway, that they are too busy, and they never believe her anyway. How sad it was to hear this from a young child. BUT, this is the way they feel and see from their eyes. This child had lost all hope and belief in her Parents that they would trust her or be there for her. All her parents did was "expect" things from her since she was the oldest.

Anyway, your son will be fine. It is a phase. When I had my 2nd child, my daughter had a few pee accidents. It's OKAY. We talked with her, thoroughly. We reassured her, we just loved her and did not make her feel "odd" about it. We also gave the head's up to her Preschool Teacher. It's totally NORMAL. But, a child who is going through this, needs our understanding. Your son is only 3 years old.... so young still. Toileting 'accidents' WILL happen still. Even at 4 or 5 years old it may happen... and then there will be night time pee accidents too. It's okay.

Take care,
Susan

What your son is experiencing is totally normal. No worries, but I would suggest doing a couple things, if you aren't already.

You said you have individual time with him and that's AWESOME! But, have you sat down and asked him how he feels about the new baby? My friend who just had her second kiddo made her daughter a part of the entire process, and by the time the baby was her she was like the 'big sister' afficianado. Making kids feel like they are a part of the whole process and can be 'helpers' definitely makes a huge difference in how they see themsevles in the 'big picture'. My Mom used to let me help with little tasks to do with the baby, like packing the diaper bag or sorting the laundry. She made it about me being the 'big sister' and she couldn't do it without me. Made me feel really special and resent my sister's presence.

I worked in a preschool (a long time ago) and the lead teacher had this great picture wall that the kids called their FAMILY WALL and they got color and create backgrounds for THEIR family and added pics and stuff as things happened...like holidays, birthdays and such. This might be a good craft to help your son SEE where he fits in the family and give him some ownership over those feelings.

Also, I agree with the first post...keep it low key. Try not to make it a huge deal. Toddlers get insecure when their is a change to their world that they don't have control over. When he poops himself try talking to him about the action, and not making it about punishment or doing something wrong. Explain to him that it's okay to have 'accidents' but, if he knows he needs to use the potty to poop then it's important to tell Mommy and you'll help him with it. It's kind of like going back to square one with the poop stuff, but I think with a little tender loving care you'll have him back to it in no time.

Hope that helps a bit.

D.

Whatever you do, don't clean up after him. Let him swish out his poopy underwear in the toilet to remove access "poop". Remind him that it is yucky. This may seem mean, but my kids were day and night trained in one month. Don't use pull-ups. You may want to throw away his favorite underwear because he "ruined" them.

It worked for me, try it.... you may get some control back in this area.

M.

It is also common close to christmas. So, the baby and the holiday may be doing a real wammy on his psyche (sp?). One of my kids regressed during the holidays and the ped said it was more common than people think. I'd wait until after new years to really worry about it. he may figure it out on his own.

My mom said my older brother did this after his younger brother was born, but showing him how yucky the baby's poop was made him start using the potty again.

Children do frequently regress in this area when they feel emotionally stressed. Talking kindly to your son about this, and telling him you want to help him be successful in this may help. It needs to be his idea. Many times children go to the potty to please their parents. They stop bothering to do so if they feel upset at the parent. Keeping it light and not demanding may help too. However, you may just have to revert to diapers for a short period or put up with the messes.

Put him back on the potty chair at regular intervals. My son used to read on the potty (wonder where he got that idea) so maybe one of those books that talk to him will keep him there for a while. Put him back in pullups for a while, maybe he wants to feel like a baby again. Give him big boy talks, but that maybe he needs to be a baby that can't do any big boy things for a while. Let him feel his way through and he will want to be the big boy again. Set up a favorite task as a BIG BOY task and when he poops in his pants he can't do it. Make a 'logical' consequence for his action that is not a punishment so he can see that it is not a good thing for him. This too shall pass.

How about a really cool stamp or sticker every time he goes on the potty. Even maybe a poster board chart that he can put his own sticker is if he has no accidents. Children LOVE being rewarded! Hope maybe this helps!

Hi! I have used positive reinforcement for things like that and it has worked quite well. We make a sticker board out of construction paper or poster board with the days of the week on it across the top, and what the issue is that we are trying to accomplish down the side. (ex: being a good listener, taking naps, using the toilet, etc...) When my daughter (4 years old now, but doing it for a couple of years on and off as needed) does well, she gets a sticker in that column for that days accomplishment(s). Then at the end of the week if there are enough stickers on her board she gets her own sticker package. She loves this and makes collages out of them on construction paper and then gets to hang them in her room. She feels so proud of herself and we are too! Hope this helps, and congratulations on your new arrival. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Hi L.,
I don't really have advice persay. But I did want to share that my son (3 1/2 yrs) occassionally regresses - mostly with urinating, and he's been Potty trained for 9 months. He usually does this when he is sick or is just getting over an illness. Once he's feeling better he goes back to using the potty. Hopefully your sons issue is just temporary. Just try and be patient with him. Good luck!!!

The exact same thing happened when my son was 3. He was jealous of the attention his baby bro was getting and wanted to be a "cute baby" too. I let it go for a few months and then when I had had enough, I asked him if he wanted to go to Magic Mountain. He said yes and then I told him that M M didn't allow diapers. He was done with diapers within the week and never had an "accident".
You seem to be doing the right thing with spending one on one time with him and not making him feel bad.
Good luck.

I had a child with extreme control issues who'd have wet pants moments after assuring me, "No, I don't have to go potty." I started just sending her into the bathroom telling her, "You have to try. If you don't go, that's fine." Trying meant sitting on the toilet. (I especially did this if we were leaving the house.) Nine times out of ten, she'd complain bitterly, but she'd go as soon as she sat on the toilet. I also used the recommendation in my toilet training books to have her practice several times (going through the motions from wherever the accident happened to sitting on the toilet) every time. In order to feel that she was in control, and to get me out of the process, she stopped having so many accidents.

I'd also make a BIG deal of pointing out ALL the ways your 3 year old is the BIG brother, and can do SO many things the baby can't. Children subconsciously think the baby gets attention and cooed over as adorable because it's helpless, and they feel that if they act like the baby they'll be adorable too. Make it seem SO MUCH COOLER that your oldest is able to do things on his own.

And finally, realize that this too will pass! It won't last forever!