3 Year Old Behavior - Bothell,WA

I haven't read the other posts but have found that if I start off the day with 30min of PLAY - totally doing whatever THEY are interested in, not leading them in a project but actually following their lead in play - this inspires better behavior than any reward or punishment system. I end the day with this too.

You likely feel you are already playing with them all day - but this is child-led play and for 30min straight without any interruptions - not phone, email, laundry, dishes - I will admit I find it drastically boring ("yes, I'll be the baby when we play family" - argh!) but also their little eyes shine more with happiness and their behavior is better when we do this.

Good luck,

D.

When my DD was 3, it felt as if suddenly she was this different kid, who never listened or did anything I asked. It was such a rough time for both of us, until her doctor told me to try this.... Over exaggerate all the things she does well. Even if it is normal everyday stuff, make a big deal about it. Ex. You did such a good job putting your dolls away, what a great helper you are. Don't ignore the "bad things" but do not put a lot of focus on them, address them and move on. Give lots of warning when you are about to "change" activity. Ex. we will be leaving soon, (a few minutes later) it is almost time to go, (a few minutes later) you can build 3 more blocks and then you will be finished for right now. I thought great idea, this will never work, but I did try it. It was the fix and it was very easy, the hardest part was for me remembering to acknowledge out loud to her all the wonderful things she does and giving lots of reminders of when we would be doing something else. Kids want to please you, so let them know that they do and you will be amazed at the changes.
Good Luck

Whatever you give attention to will increase, what you ignore will decrease. So, like another poster said, praise her for the good things. I had a hard time with always saying "good job" (It felt like it became meaningless very quickly), so I told my kids "Thank you for ___." It gave them the positive recognition, and also taught them to say thank you to others. Be very specific, like "thank you so much for giving it to me the first time I asked. That makes me happy!"
As far as whining, I would just tell my kids "I can't understand the whiny voice. I need you to use a big-kid voice." Screaming and tantrums usually resulted in cool-down time (not exactly time out, just put them someplace safe, like bedroom, until they could calm down) and, of course, they didn't get what they wanted until they were calm, then it depended on what they wanted. Also be aware that tired-hungries make the tantrums come much faster, so try to head them off by plenty of rest and regular meals/snacks.

As far as the marbles, just keep in mind that for a three-year-old, the end of the week is just as far away as forever, so it might not be as effective. Maybe do it on a daily basis, and a really easy reward, like extra mommy time or going to the park on Saturday.

We used this system with our daughter who is now 6 when she was around 3 and it seemed to really work. She decorated a can anyway she wanted to. Then we made it the "caught being good jar!" When we saw her doing something great, like not whining, throwing fits, helping out, etc (we targeted her rough areas!) she got to put a stone in. When she reached a certain amount I think it was 7 or so she got a reward. Something simple like a sheet of stickers, extra tv show something small. We found that it really worked because we were focusing on the good things she did and not the bad things. Oh and she if she did do something that was bad she had to take a stone out....that was her consequence. She hated taking them out!

You got some good suggestions already. I just wanted to add for you to know that this is an age thing too... and especially a difficult time with two and the ages that you're dealing with. It's a really critical time to deal with the sassiness and set good boundaries for your 3.5 year old particularly though, and will help you in upcoming years. If it helps, if you work h*** o* it now by the time they are about 5 and 6, the attitudes really change and it's much more peaceful. ( And it gets better all along the way until then).

Best wishes!

I know this isn't exactly a reward system, but I thought I'd tell you what is working for us. We have a 2 1/2-yr-old and a 4 1/2-yr-old and we are a couple discs into the Love and Logic Book on CD. What we have implemented so far is a sort of modified technique they describe where you remove the misbehaving child for time (sweet time) to modify their behavior. It seemed a little complicated for us, with requirements that they be quiet in their room before the timer was started, and we were already feeling that time-outs weren't really working for us. What we decided was to ask them to "go get sweet." We say it in a high-pitched, kind voice, not an angry or reproachful voice. If they whine about it or refuse to go, I simply pick them up and deposit them in their room. I don't shut the door, I just turn and walk away, telling them "I'll see you when you're sweet." If they change their tune immediately, they can simply come out and say "I'm sweet now." Sometimes the walk down the hall is all they need. It's just a removal from whatever situation was causing the whining or tantrum or rude behavior. I can even use this technique when I'm not being listened to. I simply say "sweet boys listen to their mom. Please go get sweet." If you focus on what you want from them, rather than what they did wrong, the focus can stay on the positive. I could see implementing a reward system in addition to this to really reinforce the positive. Also, there isn't really any need to talk about what got them sent for sweet time. They really know what they did wrong and revisiting the issue brings their minds back to the negative. If it's something more serious (we had a biting incident this morning) I'll talk with them quietly in their room after I've left them there a minute or two to comfort the victim. I have been really happy with the results, though I have to remind myself to be consistent and not fall back into old patterns.

Best of luck to you!

The books:
"Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman
"Your Three Year Old" from Amazon.

Here's another vote for "Love and Logic". Great book, well-balanced. I wish I'd discovered it sooner!

We did a sticker chart for potty training. Maybe a sticker chart may help and then at the end of the week they get a special lunch or dinner or dessert for a treat.

Wow, am I glad you asked this! We also have a 3.5 year old, and she is way too sassy/bratty for her own good! Her mother actually told us that she allows her to be sassy and bratty at her house because that's a battle she chooses not to fight, but that makes it much harder for us when she's at our house! I can't wait to read your responses!

Hi K.,
Ohhhhh, how I feel your pain. I was right where you are about 9 months ago. My girls just turned 4 & 2 and are 22 months apart. For us, rewards worked for awhile but sort of died out after a few weeks. I did find something that has worked for us - Love & Logic. There is a book about it, but it does not do it justice (I read it and was not convinced, nor did I fully understand how to "do it right" after I read it). My girls are 22 months apart - now they are 4 and 2 and I took a Love & Logic class about 9 months ago which REALLY changed my parenting for the better (I can't believe I hardly ever yell at all) and our behavior has gotten MUCH better. I feel more "in control" because I have a handful of tactics that REALLY work for when the girls are acting up - or even BEFORE they act up. I have 3 other friends with kids of the same age who have taken it at various times and feel like it really helped too. There are classes all over the place here in Seattle/Eastside. Often they cost $75-90 if you can take it with other parents, but there are folks who will also come to your house and do the class for you for more $$. Your girls are at a great age to start this too, before they get so big you can't even contain them in a time out!

I wish you all the best and hope that things get a little less crazy. If you want some names of L&L teachers, feel free to send me a note directly and I can give you what I know, though I don't know of any in Bothell - but the instructors may be able to refer you to someone...

Truly best of luck to you and I hope you find something that works for you!

We just found the book "Scream free parenting" and "Parenting with love and logic" books. They are a godsend! I am so much more SANE after having read them! Especially with the 3.5 year old at our house! The 9.5 month old is too young yet, but will get the same business from the books. Hold on Mama! It will get better (some days! ;) Those books have really saved my family. Good luck!

When my daughter was 3 and I was a full time Nanny... I'd have her 'help' me with my younger charges. I'd ask her to get me things, ask her to talk to the baby or younger toddler while I was making lunch/bathroom/etc. She LOVED the big girl responsibility.

She's 5 now and I'm 3 months pregnant and I KNOW she'll be an amazing and helpful Big Sister.