How Do I Get My 2.5 Year Old to Behave Without Bribes?

This is still a "reward" system but at least it's not 10 rewards a day....get a jar and some marbles. Every time he does something you're struggling with him over he gets to put a marble in the jar. Once the jar is full he gets to "cash" it in for a small toy/ice cream/special outing, etc. Just don't let him play with the marbles, as they could be a choking hazzard for little people. =)

I tell my girls in a very strong, assertive voice, "I told you to [insert here]. This is NOT an option. You WILL [insert here]." I have learned that I am the parent/adult, not them. On very rare occasions, I have resorted to a single decent swat on bum. That usually straightens them right up :)

Give him more options and make things fun for him. In the morning, let him choose his clothes. For breakfast give him a choice between 2 things (cereal or oatmeal).

I think closer to 3ish we timed activities to see if my son could complete them (let's see if you can put on your shorts by the time I count to 20). He loved to see if he could do this or that in the time frame.

At bath time we let him pick out a toy to bring into the tub to play with. Sometimes it was a hot wheels car other times it was cups. The point is he had control over something. This helped tremendously with all the battles.

My son was always more deliberate to try and do things to see if he could get a reaction. He would dump things at that age like you would not believe. If he dumped water out of the tub, bath time was over. No reward, no punishment it was just over. Life moved on.

If he threw a toy, the toy was put up for the day. If he dumped his food, meal time was over and he had to help me pick it up.

I also think kids at this age have problems transitioning from one activity to another and get upset if things have to stop abruptly. You can start to tell him things like put your train around the track one more time and then we need to do this or that. This gives him a warning of what to expect. This takes time to work but eventually it will sink in and give him a little bit of predictability that his fun activity will need to end so you can do something else. It helps if you make the next activity fun (even if it is not fun you can make something up so it sounds fun). I made up all kinds of silly things such as we need to walk like dinosaurs to the car so we can drive to the store. At the store, I would give him a paper and pen so he could help me shop. Make things up. It sound silly, but it is better than having a miserable child all day. ;)

Before age 3, time out did not work for my son. He thought it was a game, a funny one at that. I tried to implement it, but it just did not work. I think logical consequences seemed to work better and just giving him more options through the day made things so much easier for us.

Hang in there momma! This too shall pass!

I am in the same boat with my 2.5 year old daughter. Some days I want to pull my hair out before we even get downstairs. And I totally agree that time outs do not work on our strong-willed children. I keep telling people - if I can't get her to do whatever it is I'm trying to get her to do, how am I going to make her sit still for 2 minutes?! I confess that I even spanked her once, and she laughed at me, too. Our kids are smart!!

Strategies I believe in, though, are:
- Giving her as many choices as possible so she feels like she does have some control. (Which of these two shirts do you want to wear? Do you want broccoli or zucchini?)
- If there is a logical consequence, make it. If she throws a toy out of the tub, she loses the toy. Do it calmly, not punitively. Simply state this is what happens when you do that. Do not give in, even for crying.
- If it's not important, let it go. If we're not going anywhere and she refuses to put on clothes, I only insist on the diaper.
- If it is important, be ridiculously consistent. If you waiver even once, you lose credibility.
- Try your utmost to remain calm. If you lose it, they know they've played you.
- I also believe in just moving forward. I do not wait around, plead and cajole, and beg for compliance. I pick her up, kicking and screaming, and take her to change the diaper, start the bedtime routine, take a bath, etc. I ignore the screaming, start the process, and when she realizes she's not getting out it, she adjusts.

Hang in there! You will get through it.

Hi Austinmammas.
Some helpful resources I use:
www.ahaparenting.com
No Cry Discipline Solution -- Elizabeth Pantley
Happiest Toddler on the Block -- Dr. Harvey Karp

GL HTH. Jilly

YOU are the parent. YOU need to be in charge.
If he doesn't want to do something - you need to decide if you are going to MAKE him do it or not. We all pick our battles.
Use time out.
He needs to be "punished" for disobedience.
It will take a while - but you need to make him sit. He WILL get up - you need to put him back and restart the timer.
There are going to be tantrums, but you need to deal with them rather than avoid them. If you are in a store and he wants something that you don't think he needs and he throws a tantrum. You pick him up - whether you are done or not - and go home. Do not discuss it. Just do it. When he tells you he'll be good, you tell him that next time we'll try again. If he is at a birthday party or a playdate and can't seem to share, you pick him up and haul his sorry little butt out of there and take him home.
You won't have to do this stuff but once or twice and he'll get the message - YOU are the mom. YOU are in charge. YOU need to be respected.
You also need to be consistent to a fault. You can't let him get away with something one day and then not let him do it the next. Pick your battles and then stick with it.
If you continue to bribe him, you are teaching him that what you say and want is negotiable... That he can get what he wants by whining and pitching a fit.
Parenting is HARD!!!
It's time to suck it up and BE the parent.
I've been in your shoes. My #1 was a tough cookie. He hated time out. I put him back more times than I can mention. One day he realized that I was NOT giving in. He sat. He did his penance. He got out. Problem solved. He KNEW that if I put him in time out I expected him to stay in time out.
This little boy is now 17 and a true joy! People compliment me all the time on him.
Be strong.
Be consistent.
Be the parent.
YMMV
LBC

UPDATE:
If he likes time out - keep putting him there. He is TELLING you that he needs it and that he can't control his impulses. Put him there. Make him sit with his hands folded. It's what he needs... He can't control himself so he's asking you to do it for him!!!

2.5 is hard! For everyone. When my daughter was that age I found the book ow to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I found the techniques to be the most effective of everything I tried. It also helped me to realize that I need to plan more time for the basic routines like getting dressed, eating, getting out the door, getting ready for bed... because those were the hardest times of the day. In my head I doubled the amount of time I thought it would take so that I wouldn't get as stressed out and that also helped everything overall.

And realize that it's an age thing. Once they hit 3 they turn into completely different kids. Amazing, cooperative and even logical at times. Then they cycle back around 3.5 but you'll have more tools in your parental toolbox the next time around :)

READ Parenting With Love and Logic! Also many schools and churches offer free classes in it too.

I totally hear ya. What I did with my son is pick my battles. I don't think it was good for me to constantly be saying No to him or fighting with him over everything. If he didn't want to get dressed in the morning, I'd say, "I'm not going to fight with you about it," and he would go to school in his PJs. One Sunday he drove all the way to church naked - then got dressed when we arrived. If he didn't want to eat, I didn't make him, but then he'd get no snack before bedtime, etc. I've gotten very creative about how to rephrase things positively. So instead of, "Don't kick the door," it's "Here, kick this pillow!"

Another thing that works really well for him - may not for all kids, depending how competitive they are - but my son will do ANYTHING so long as I phrase it in terms of a race. Let's race to see who will finish their dinner first! Let's race to the car!

Punishments don't work well with my son, so instead I've tried to find positive ways to get the same results. Maybe it will work for you. Good luck!

Consistency and consequences.

Mom,
I think you may be over-reacting about his behavior, this is typical for a 2 yr old and you are very fortunate that your son is generally he is good in public. Be firm and consistent at home, Dad too but also remember his little brain is not even fully developed yet and it sounds like he enjoys testing the waters with you. I agree with the other mom that too much rewarding and bribery is not a good thing, so be gentle but firm and remember not to let him get a rise our of you. Sounds like you son knows what gets you upset and does it at home. Use redirection when he is misbaving, tell him to go and get a favorite toy to play with or ask him to go get a book and you wil read it to him. Ask him if he would like to go on a walk outside and take him outdoors for a few minutes where he will likely calm down, these things are not rewards, just a distraction technique and it generally works. Don't get upset yourslef just walk out of the room into another when he is having a tantrum on the floor. Tell him calmly when you stops crying and calm down come and get me in the kitchen etc. Be sure you are encouraging him to "use your words" with a limited vocab at this age he has a lot of frustration due to lack of full communication skills which is normal. Don't allow him to get aggressive with you or a family member at home with hitting or anything mean. Just tell him you are not being nice, Mommy will talk to you when you are being good and walk away. Often misbehavior is our of frustration or attention seekng. THis will pass within a year Mom, you can get thru it. PS- be sure you are still giving and asking for a lot of hugs too. they need to know that although their behavior upsets you they are still loved a lot.

He has learned exactly what it takes for you to give him what he wants. He has learned the behavior and the words to get you to give in to him. He is a smart cookie!

You need to mold that strong will and teach him how to use it for good. But he has to learn that you are in control and not him. He has to see that you are in charge and that you mean what you say. No expression on your face. He loves to see you frustrated. It is a fun game for him. From now on, be very matter of fact. If he doesn't do something that he is supposed to do, then there are consequences every time. You must be very consistent.

He may say that he wants time out, but no kid really wants time out - especially if you walk away. Act like it is totally normal that he wants time out - remember - no expression. Give him the time out but continue to act like it is a punishment even if he pretends that it is not. It is his game. Do not ask him if he wants a time out. Just say, "If you do not stop throwing the toys, you will have a time out." If he continues, then tell him, "I'm sorry that you chose to throw the toys. Now you will have a time out." Stay very calm. No explanations. Remember, you cannot reason with a child.

If you give him a choice and he says "BOTH!" then you say, "Well then I will make the choice for you." Again - very matter-of-factly. If he says he doesn't like it. Just very calmly say, then next time you will have to decide. Today you will _____. If he has a fit, then say, "If you do what I ask, I will put a sticker on the chart. Let's see how many more stickers you need before you get to go to the library with mommy." If he says he doesn't want to go to the library, then say, "I'm sorry. I heard that they have some new books about _____." And leave it at that. Do not try to convince him, do not try to reason with him, do not try to tell him that he wants to do something he doesn't. Just tell him that he will not get the sticker. He may have to go to the store without a shirt. Take a shirt along in case he changes his mind. Do not give him candy every time you need him to do something or else he will not do anything until you offer candy.

Thank you for wanting to make the extra effort to teach him how to behave appropriately. As a high school teacher, I can tell you there are fewer and fewer parents out there anymore who think it is worth the effort.

Sounds like you have a clever little guy who already knows how to push your buttons - he doesn't "like" time-out but he knows it will further get your goat if he laughs. Also, some people laugh when they are uncomfortable or as someone else said - he could be happy that you are helping him with his out of control behavior.

You have got to STOP the rewards for expected everyday behavior or you are in for bigger trouble in the future.... rewards are just that REWARDS for something extra special, not because he got into his car seat.

I am in the midst of reading 1-2-3 Magic and it is a simple concept that is based on the parent staying NON-emotional and NOT-talking! I find that at times, I try to treat my 2.5 year old like a small adult by explaining things or trying to rationalize my reasons why I would like her to do or not do something. It is almost as if I think "well, if she understands that we are going to be late if she doesn't stop her fit and get into the car seat then she will suddenly cooperate" - well, she is 2 and doesn't care if we are late and she really doesn't have a concept of time yet!

It sounds as if your little man is in charge at your house and it is time to take back your home which will make him a lot happier because he really isn't capable of being in charge and it probably scares him to have so much power! You are the parent, you are in charge, it is hard work, but the discipline that you provide today will reap benefits for years to come! It is easier to correct behavior now than to continue with the reward system and have to "undo" that later!

Hopefully, this has helped and I haven't sounded to "know it all" or "shoulded" all over you - I am in some of the same struggles with my little one and beginning to claim back being in charge has really changed things.... time-outs didn't work because I was so over emotional by the time we got to that point and because I over talked everything.

Good luck.
blessings,
Stacy

First, 2 yo are too young for time outs. The slim margin for the time out technique to be effective is 3-5 years old.

2nd. the real issue is control. Give him 2 choices. No more. Say "would you like cereal or waffles for breakfast" (if he says he wants something that was not a choice, say "that is not one of your choices" and repeat the choices) or "would you like to wear your jean shorts or your blue athletic shorts". "would you like to get in the car and do something fun or stand there screaming and waste our time?" Be prepared to not do some things, but ALWAYS follow through.

Stop the bribes immediately.

When he is sitting in time out, give him a one pound weight that he has to hold up over his head for the duration of the time out. That's what the instructors of the Martial Arts school my son does as a punishment. Good luck and no matter what you choose, be consistent.

Sounds like your son is bright and clever – I expect he has a great future ahead of him. It's wonderful that you are searching for the healthiest approach to parenting.

There's a superb book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful of the child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect. It gives practical, real-life examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing.

What I love most about this approach, other than the fact that it really works well, is that the child does internalize a sense of ethics, learning to take his own needs and the needs of others into account, and working out his own solutions to many problems.

I use this approach with my grandson, now 4.5, and it is superb. Of course he still has stubborn or unhappy moments, but they are infrequent and much easier to deal with. These techniques virtually eliminated tantrums from the first time we tried it.

I have also liked Dr. Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, and another inspiring book by John Gottman, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. These all rely upon Emotion Coaching as their basic parenting tool. Every young family I have known has had happy results using this style with a wide variety of kid "types."

Try the ideas below by Dr. Kyle Pruett and the link has more info. Also check out "love and Logic" link on the blog roll. Good luck!
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

Use positive discipline to redirect your child’s behavior, and you validate the legitimacy of your child’s desires and shows you care and understand. Redirecting endorses your child’s right to choose and begins to teach that others have rights, too.

Children also respond to reasoning – it just needs to be put into their language.

* ‘Inside feet’ versus ‘outside feet’
* ‘Soft hands’ versus ‘hard hands’
* ‘Inside voices’ versus ‘outside voices’

I would suggest what I do with my strong willed 2.5 year old daughter and I will take away something that she enjoys. For instance, if she starts acting up at bedtime (like not wanting to brush her teeth or get dressed in pj's...)I will tell her you either do this or we will not read any books tonight in bed. This has been working great, she immediately changes her tune because she loves our bedtime reading. Maybe you could try something of this nature. Good luck, these are are trying times with our little ones :)