3 Year Old & Manners

Hi, C..

My mother taught me this one. What would happen if you said "and what do you say?" or "excuse me" when he wanted something and did not say please.

I also add it on to the end of the sentence when my daughter does not say it, which automatically prompts the please or thank you. Kids tend to be stubborn and need to be reminded once in a while. I still do it to my 12 year old nephew and 10 year old niece when they forget to use it at family gathering. They no longer say "Aunt S.".

He'll get there. They all do.

I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.

S. D

Hi Stacy, Yes it is a power struggle and you need to remain the mom. If he says next time he won't say please, you say then next time I will not give it to you. If you back down on this he will try to get over on you for something else. He seems to have a strong personality so you must be stronger. He is only 3 you do not want these struggles when he is a teen. Grandma Mary

Hi Stacy,
I never had an issue with kids refusing to say please and thank you. I never had to teach them to either. It's just how we spoke in the house and they picked up on it before they got to an age where we had to teach them.
I'd suggest that first, be sure that you're using the manners that he wants you to use, with him and among each other at home. Don't overdo it and thank him every 2 seconds and don't point out that you're saying it. I wouldn't make a fuss over him doing the right thing if it's something you expect on a daily basis and something that upsets him when you do it.
You can't force him. However, if he knows how he should ask, I would stop telling him to ask nicely. I would simply ignore him. "Give me juice" is a demand and I don't reply to demands from kids. If he doesn't get his juice, he'll figure out that he needs to say "I'd like some juice" or "May I have juice please?"
He may be desperate for something he can control, so perhaps you can find some other things that he is allowed to have more control of - let him choose his shirt for the day, which flavor sherbet to buy at the store, which of the available side dishes to make with dinner. Perhaps if he has more control over other (age appropropriate of course) things, he'll give up control on this. GOOD LUCK!!!

"be nice or ask twice"...if you use your manners you get what you want(most of the time) if you don't well I can't hear you...that's my motto...I just look at my kids with a blank stare and say "What?", they repeat themselves until they add a please and then I respond with "of course..." and really all 5 of my boys 9-2 use please and thank you...and if your son tells you that next time he won't say please then respond with a well then next time I won't say yes...or something to that effect...not snippy, just matter of fact...also pointing out when other children behave or don't behave to him...on the car ride home from the library...going over what another kid did that was sooo great or saying how lucky you are that your son knows better...it's a no pressure way to reinforce what you approve or don't approve of...and I wouldn't feel guilty at the dinner table...that's one of the places where manners are most important!!(and it's defeating all your other efforts when you do cave...) Good luck...be strong!!

Kids learn by example--especially when it comes to manners. They also like to have a feeling of independence and control and this is one place where they can express that. So make sure you use your best manners when interacting with your son. Also, make it a point that other adults use their manners when interacting in his presence (if they have a tendency not to, discuss this when he's not around).

Stop telling/reminding him to say please and thank you and don't make a production when he does use his manners correctly. If you want to acknowledge him for it a simple "You're welcome" or "Thank you" is plenty. Hugs, smiles and pats can work well to silently show your appreciation without embarrassing your son or drawing too much attention to something that should be normal given in polite society. (In the same line of reasoning a frown or furrowed brow can show your disapproval of when your son is demanding and not using his manners.)

Also remember manners aren't about the words, it's the actions and feelings behind the words that are important, the words are just there to reinforce the speakers intentions and feelings. If your son asks for something in a polite tone of voice, but neglects the "please," give it to him and reply with "you're welcome" whether or not he says "thank you." However, if he demands something in a loud voice, don't react to it. Let him go for a few minutes. Either he won't ask again or will continue demanding in the same tone or he'll ask politely. In either of the first two cases, take your time and continue what you are doing, when you get to a convenient stopping point say (as if you never heard his request) "Mommy would like some . . ., would you like something too?" just like it was your idea in the first place and you are only being polite in offering him something as well. In the third situation where he corrects himself and asks politely, do your best to get him what he wants as soon as possible or at the least tell him that you will get it for him as soon as you finish what you are doing and how long it should take. (eg. "Let me finish cleaning this dish and dry my hands and I'll get your juice."

Good manners and politeness should be practiced all the time, not only when going out. Children act out more often when they are in uncomfortable situations, adding the "manners when out, but not necessary at home" into the mix gives them one more thing they are not exactly comfortable with when out and about. If on the other hand politeness and courtesy are are always expected they can act as a security blanket when suddenly in unusual situations.

We have the same name and same spelling...cool! My oldest son, it was easy to get him to say please and thank you when he started talking, but my second son, oh my goodness, he was hard. My husband thought not to give him anything unless he said please and it wasn't working. So, I decided, maybe he was not able to say it and he was young and yet he was able to talk better than the oldest (and my oldest had to get speech therapy because his speaking was getting worst rather than better with time and age). Anyways, everytime I gave him his drink and food, I said, "say thank you" and then one day, he said "thank you" so quietly almost as if saying I don't want to but I'm losing in this battle. Now, a stubborn child who we had to redirect his stubbornness in a positive direction, says thank you and please and says thank you many times without prompting. I have their bottle with water out all day for them to get it to drink without asking me for it. My youngest has his cup all day. Every child is different and unique in their own way. You may want to try it with him, say "thank you" to him when you give him his dinner or lunch or breatkfast and see what he does. Basically, you are not arguing with him and you left the ball in his court and he will eventually say, Mommy is not arguing and saying it over and over why to be polite and I can stand having this ball in my court. I may as well say it. Also, praise him when he does say it, then you can say, that is wonderful, you can teach (your daughter's name) when she gets bigger all the right things to say. It may be because of your daughter that's why he is acting this way. If he feels that he has an "important job" as a big brother, he may change. Let us know how it goes. God bless you with your children and congrats on your infant!

I have kids almost exactly the same age as yours-- my son was 3 in Feb and my daughter is 4 months. It has been pretty hectic for me so I imagine it is for you too. My son's behavior has been difficult/defiant some of the time since the baby arrived. Sometimes he says please and he usually says thank you. I model as much as I can and ask him nicely to please do little tasks to help me. (These are requests and he can not do them with no negative consequences--definitely different from directions he is expected to obey. That is a whole different battle.) I also remind him to say please if necessary and tell him thank you for asking nicely when he does. It is far from a perfect system though. As for the part about asking for juice, you could always give him only water if he refuses to ask nicely and/or has a fit.

Have you asked him why he is refusing? he may not be willing to answer you. But he will think about the question. Anyway, as parents, we always do so much demanding and talking. I always find it helpful to ask the kids how they feel about the situation.

It doesn't mean letting up on your expectations. It just shows that you want to take their feelings into consideration. And if he does answer, you may be able to help him see why it is still best to have manners. Either way, it never hurts to ask a kid how they are feeling. After that, carry on with the rest of the advice.

Hi Stacy-
Sesame Street has a book about the importance of manners, maybe if your son sees Big Bird, Elmo, etc saying please and Thank you, he will start to do it too.
Hope this helps,
K.

I did not read all the responses.... but, just to share -I allowed this to become a verbal struggle between my son and me. My son was trying to express himself (he's a verbal kid) and I was trying to "manage" his language. I recommend the emphasis on giving or not giving that which he's requested - not forcing him to use the words.

My son, now 6, is very courteous. It was not worth the verbal struggles I had allowed it to become.

I need to give you a virtual hug, because it seems you will have your hands full. Your son seems very smart, very independent and very stubborn. GOD bless. These are ALL very good qualities, but hard to deal with as a parent. I used to ignore my little ones when they didnt say please. They would ask louder and I would say 'what, I cant hear you' They would yell louder and finally I would say I didnt hear the magic word. They would think and then say please. Then I made a big show of 'oh my of course you can have juice' and rush to get it. They thought it was funny and soon all I had to say was 'what' or whats the magic word?
I would continue to not give in if he doesnt say the magic words, but explain to him that it is a RULE that he talk properly and you will NOT give him what he wants unless he asks nicely and if he doesnt say 'thank you' you will take whatever away, immediately. Be consistent, dont give in. I wouldnt force the issue in public or with company until it is automatic at home, since both of you will probably be embarrassed. Most adults dont expect 3 y/o's to be polite. He will soon move on to a different power struggle, like refusing to get dressed. GOOD LUCK!!

Don't give in if he doesn't say please-youre not starving him. Tell him, if you say please you get what u want. Dessert, special time w mom..if u don't say please, my answer is no.
I do this w my 3 yp. Also you have an infant. Is that relevant to 3 yo's defiant behavior ? You're the teacher/ boss so u make up rules which help your family.

As an old fashioned mom a preschool owner and director and I can tell you there is nothing sweeter then a well mannered child. PLEASE PLEASE do not give up. I can handle any behavior issue, but when a child is not well mannered it really rubs me wrong. Just like any form of discipline if he doesn't use his manners give a consequences and be consistent. I instill manners everyday at my preschool some children do it without prompting and most will not. So trust me people notice good manners do not give in he knows what he is doing. Stay strong as much as he puts up a fight the results will pay off throughout his life. Good luck I know how much they can wear us down in an exhausted moment!!!

I would not make it a fight. Just ignore his rude behavior and respond when he is polite. You can acknowledge that he has asked for something by looking at him with your eyebrows raised as if waiting for something, or just calmly go about what you are doing and wait for an appropriate request. When he asks politely, respond to him immediately.

He will throw a fit for sure the first couple of times, but if you are consistent and ignore the fits instead of discussing it or arguing with him, he will learn very quickly that the fits get him nothing, not even attention!

Dear Stacy,
I'm sure you don't realize it, but you answered your own questions in your request.
First of all, if he doesn't like that you acknowledge, make a fuss,or say "Good job," when he says "Please" or "Thank you", then DON'T. You can simply say, "Okay," to acknowledge that you heard him. Secondly, DO refrain from giving him food or drink if he refuses to say Please. If he wants it badly enough, he'll grant your request. Don't give in.
Yes, it's a power struggle - and he's winning. It's one of many you will encounter. Let him know who's in charge - in every situation.
Face this one and it gets easier, I promise.
W.

I am in the same boat as you are. The funny thing is we have children the same age and birth month. Mine is a girl 2 of them. How old is your infant? When in Feb? I have a hard time right now with her and thank you but mostly I'm not doing it and don't talk I don't want to hear you. I don't have the advice you need. I just wanted to tell you that we have the same things going here. I am trying to figure it out too. I hope you get relief as well.

Stacy,

Stand your ground. Make a point of being overly polite to family members - if you aren't already.

Is the rest of the family using manners similar or exaclty like what you want from him?

He'll get it. For now, he is not cognizant of the fact that it is good manners. He thinks it will get him something faster if he uses less words. Some say power play. Some say just a baby. I say, just treat him like you want him to be treated, and expect treatment from him the same way you do from the rest of the family. Your expectations, backed up by everyone else in the family, will help solidify what he is to be doing, and help him realize he won't get far without them.

don't worry about the food issue. he won't starve himself.

off to my own little guy,
M.

Don't withold food/drink- just have it on the table. If he wants more, he needs to ask politely. I wouldn't give him anything w/o the "magic words" aside from what you would normally do. He will have a fit, but he needs to learn to use the words "please" and "thank you" and learn that they have value.

Aside from the behavior mod aspect, make sure that you and your husband are consistently modeling the expected behavior. If you guys don't use the words, neither will he! Point out to him when others use good manners in the community!