22 Month Old with Discipline Issues

L.,
This is such a tough age and I feel for you! 22 months is young, but it is old enough for you to really start shaping who he is going to be. Sometimes just remembering the small stuff is the best answer for you. He is 22 months, you are an adult. There is no reason why it should be such a struggle to get him dressed. Trust me, I know how boys can be. I have three of them. I have had to hold them down and force their clothes on. Once they realize who is boss and that you aren't going to play this game, it will end. If you continue to make this an argument in the morning than he is winning, he is definitely winning if you let him go off to daycare in his pj's. Some people view these stuggles as small battles that you should ignore. I don't agree. I think that this is when you are really starting to teach them that sometimes they are going to have to do things they don't want to and that's part of life.. As far as dinner goes, offer him his meal (as long it is a food that you know he likes) and if he refuses to eat and will not listen then dinner is over for him. Put his food aside and let him know that if he changes his mind then it is there. This is how we deal with the dinner issue at home. At my mother-in-law's one of my sons complains about certain foods or who he has to sit next to and my mother-in-law completely caters to him. This is the only place that he pulls this because he knows that it is the only place that it works. In my opinion I have also found that time outs do not work. I have always taken things away and found that to be a punishment that effects them so much more. This is something that is different for each child, so you just need to try out different methods and stay with one that works! Good luck...it's not easy being a mom :)

I find that consistency is the most important aspect to discipline. Children will test their limits until they know what the outcome is. Even at that young age it is important to stick to certain discipline standards such as time out with every kick, etc.

Good luck!

Hi, L.-
I accidentally hit the send button before I was finished. What I wanted to say is that you're training him do do what he needs to do and what you want him to do, but he doesn't know what you're up to! He is more capable of cooperating than you might think - you just need to come in the back door - so to speak. You can use the same kind of tactics at bed time - "lets think about what toys you want to play with in the tub tonight." or "Hmm - lets think about what pajamas you want to wear to bed." let him put the toys in the tub, let him pick out the pj's. Climb onto his bed with a few books. If he's not a little one who can listen to you read the words on the page and he's running around and bouncing off the walls, sit on the bed, open the book and get excited about what you're "reading". "My goodness, look at that big red truck! It has such big wheels! I like to read books about trucks!" Just talk into the air - he'll hear you and won't be able to resist. He'll be up on the bed look at the book with you! Talk about what's going on on the page. Your goal is to get him into the bed and to calm down. (You're not setting up a power struggle with a pronouncement, "It's bed time!" It's bed time, but not identified as such! After you've spent whatever amount of time you are willing to spend or when you're falling asleep and he's not, ask him which trucks he wants to sleep with tonight. He'll choose. You kiss them all goodnight - "Good night red truck! Good night green truck! Goodnight my sweet little boy!" They're going to bed, too. Cover everyone up - nice and snuggy warm! It's easier than being the only one getting tucked in!
I'm a grandmother and have used these tactics on my three year old granddaughter. They work! She is much more cooperative and we have fun together. I always tell her the plan. She understands, and when it's time to leave the park, have her tubbie, or go to bed when she stays with us, she has been informed and accepts the plan. When I take her to her favorite petting zoo I tell her that we'll stay for a while and she can pet the animals and play on the swings, etc., but when Grammy says it's time to go home to see Mommy and Daddy, we'll say good-bye to the horse and the goat and the cow... and we'll get in the car and go see...
When the time comes, I tell her then say "lets say good-bye to..." she comes with me and we say good bye to the horse. "Good-bye, Jack (the horse). We have to go home now to see Mommy and Daddy. We'll come back another day!" We go to which ever animal she wants, working our way to the car, and we're out of there - no tears, no fussing and kicking as I carry her away. She's on board, and she's been informed - she's been given the opportunity to transition peacefully from one activity to another. She knows I'll keep my word - we go back and it's always the same. She trusts me.
All of this doesn't work over night - you have to be consistent in whatever you choose to do that works. Just think about what you can do to avoid power struggles without giving your child all of the power. He doesn't want it. He needs you to set the tone and the expectations and that's what he's asking for with all of his running around. "Mamma, give me something better to do!"
Remember that you are the parents and you are in the process of training your little one - just don't let him know what you're up to!
Good luck!
Mother of 4 and Grammy to three.
Martha

It's my non-expert advice that I think you need to be a lot more firm with the time outs and dicipline. Don't use them sparingly use them as-needed. If mommy says to do something and he doesn't do it -- well, it's a 2 min time out. if just sitting him in the chair doesn't work hold his hands his lap. they HATE that. Do it every time. My two (20mo and 3yrs) generally get a "give me the ball one, give me the ball two.. give me the ball three.." type of action. My 20 month old knows EXACTLY what will happen if i hit three and she generally complies.

As for the dinner issue. With my two if they get up and tell me they are done then they are done. That's it. No more for the rest of the night. Kids will generally eat when hungry.

And the getting dressed. UGH. My three year old has been pitching FITS for about 6 months over that one. If we have to be sompleace I just force the clothes on her and let her scream and kick. I will put her in the car first and then go get my pocket book and my other child so i don't have to listen to her yell. If we don't have to be anyplace she gets to stay in her room until she gets dressed. I really don't care what she wears but she has to wear SOMETHING. She has a whole wrack of clothes low enough for her to pick something. Sometimes it can take an hour of her yelling, screaming, kicking the door.. you name it before she calms down enough for me to go in there and get something on her. It's unreal.

As for bedtime.. can he crawl out of his crib? There would be no way i could keep my 20 month old in bed at night wtihout rails. We do, however, have issues like this with my 3 year old. I finally had to put one of those twisty knob thingies on the door so she couldnt' get out of her room in the middle of the night. As for night time i just keep plopping her back in bed over and over and over and over.

Good luck! :) This kind of stuff is NOT easy!

L.:

I'm guessing you take him to daycare because you work. My advise - don't fight with getting him dressed. Take him to daycare in his pj's with his outfit in a bag. Let his teacher dress him. It's one of those things that doesn't really matter - I have done with this with both of my kids. Eventually they don't want to wear their pj's and will get dressed.

Take a deep breath! It sounds like he's testing your will.

As for bedtime, you just have to set up a set routine and stick to it. I still sit for 5 minutes with my 3 year old while he's laying in bed. I rub his back and then when the five minutes are up, I kiss him goodnight and he stays in his bed.

Another great discipline program is 1,2,3 Magic. They have DVDs or books. I have used this sytem on both of my kids and it does work. Consistency is key - hang in there!

Good luck!
C.

Have you tried letting him pick out his clothes to wear for the next day the night before. That might take out some of the struggle of the morning. If he helps you pick what he wants to wear. At this age they are just trying to see what they can control and how much they can get away with. And right now your morning sounds very stressful so if you just give in a little and let him choose what to wear the night before, but insist that he does wear what he chooses the next day, then that could help out. And as far as eating dinner goes again same thing it's a power struggle. If he gets down from the table, then dinner is over for him and he doesn't get to go back to the table for more. He'll learn to eat if he doesn't want to be hungry. And in the meantime start implementing a "Can I be excused from the table please" policy. So when you are done with dinner if you ask your hubby may I please be excused from the table or vice versa and make sure that he sees that's how to be excused, then you'll be modeling good manners for him. Don't give him the satisfaction of chasing him around the house to try to get him back to the table. It's becoming a game to him. He's trying to assert his independence. It's frustrating, but it will pass. I think the key is to help him give himself a way to have a little independence by giving him the chance to choose his clothes for the next day the night before or a polite way in which he can be excused from the dinner table. Good luck.

M.

I suggest going to your local library and picking up a copy of a video called "1..2..3..magic." It works really well if you keep with it. It works for my son who is around the same age. I really suggest praising him when he does something good. Get him excited about someting like if you have to get going somewhere and you need him to do someting...make it sound really fun and get him into it. I was having a hard time with my son acting out like yours and all I did was change my ways a little and it worked like a charm ;)

I have a suggestion for dinner, at least. When he won't eat dinner, cover his plate with plastic and put it in the fridge. Don't extend dinner time in an effort for him to eat. When he complains he is hungry, offer him the plate. Warm it up if you like, or don't if you would rather. As the mother of 4 boys, I assure you they won't waste away if they wind up going to bed without dinner, once or twice. It shouldn't take many times I don't think, as long as you ensure that the ONLY thing he is given for a choice until breakfast is his dinner!

In place of sitting in time out, can you take away something? Turn the TV off that long, or take away his favorite toy?

He's not quite two yet. It can be hard with the first, you think they are more grown up and expect more mature behavior out of them than is really possible :)

He's still a baby, so respond to him as you would to any baby. Expect that for the duration, getting ready is going to take extra time in the morning...so set the alarm for twenty minutes earlier. When he kicks say firmly, "Feet are not for kicking" and pick him up and dress him. Don't give the kicking any more notice or attention or he will continue to do it to get a rise out of you.

Establish a bed time routine. What really helps here is to 'turn down the volume' about 15 minutes before it's time to get ready for bed. If you have tv/radio/computer/music running, shut them down. Turn off all but the most essential lights. Stop whatever work you are doing and sit quietly on the couch. Kids respond to the change in environment and that will help get him in a bed time sort of mood :)

Hi L. - I have a daughter who is a challenge in the discipline area - so I understand what you are going through. Ask your son what he really enjoys doing - Something simple like baking cookies, going to Bonkers or Chucky & Cheese etc.. What I do with my daughter is a behavior modification chart - if you send me your e-mail I will send you my sample. Anyway, my daughter loves to bake cookies. Well, she has trouble listening at daycare. I created a chart with 5 boxes that explains that if she is good on all 5 days - she can bake cookies with daddy Friday night. I added a picture of her baking - and with each good day, she gets to put a sticker in the box. When I g to pick her up, she jumps up and down excited to tell me she listened, and then she counts the boxes each night to say how many days she has left!

Good luck!

J.

first make sure it's discipline issues. Kids who refuse to get dressed, refuse to eat (or are very picky) and hit often can have sensory integration issues. I suggest you talk to a professional play therapist or occupational therapist in your area to help you. I also suggest you research sensory integration disorder. It is a scale thing, so we all have some of it, and some of us have more and some a lot more. Many of the behaviors you are explaining can be explained by sensory concerns. Check with your pediatrician or local early intervention program for a referral or if you are in the Rhode Island area you can call Meeting Street Early Intervention. It's very workable if you learn about it early.
Discipline issues are also very possible at this age. He is asserting his independence. May I suggest the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. It's available at most book stores and libraries.

He sounds healthy and wonderfully willful. But I would suggest that in your reasons for disciplining him you need to include willful disobedience. He absolutely needs to learn that Mommy is the law. But remember that discipline includes positive reinforcement. Now is the time to introduce a sticker chart - Get the fat bulgy three-D stickers and funky ones. Put the chart in the kitchen. The wonderful thing about rewards and praise is that long after the interest in the stickers or the rewards go away, the lesson remains. The nice thing about positive reinforcement with stickers is it teaches kids goals and accomplishments. Let him pick out his clothes at night, a good choice of clothes gets him a sticker. A quick getting dressed in the am, gets him a sticker. Eating his dinner (helping mommy to take care of him by doing a good job with eating healthy) gets him a sticker and maybe an extra story. When he gets older--at the end of the month a sheet full of stickers gets him a reward - a special treat or playtime or a movie. My twins are seven, at five they were making up their own beds and cleaning up the floor in their rooms. At first people would ask "why are you rewarding your children for what they SHOULD be doing." But now the rewards have gone away, and they still do the lesson. Now their goals have gotten bigger, the task more complex, but they know they can do it. It's ingrained in them that a little sticker a day adds up. Now we're working on savings...a little penny a day... :D Good Luck.

Hi L.,

I am a toddler teacher and this is a tough age. At this age children are independent and want to make decisions for themselves. I give children choices and lots of positive reinforcement trying not to focus on the negative but making a big deal out of the positive helps a great deal. Be sure the choices are things you can live with . It makes them feel like they are choosing. Such as What pajamas would you like to wear to bed? Instead of, you need to put these pajamas on. Which stories would you like? What clothes would you like to wear to school/day care? Which food on your plate would you like to eat? Instead of you need to eat your food. Also allowing plenty of time for getting ready will probably help so there won't be a need for rushing. Your emotions will help determine how the situation will go. If your calm, and relaxed. Not having to rush around should help. Good luck! I know this is not an easy age.

how about the night before you two choose his clothes? one thing a child shouldn't do is strike at their parents and you should let him know that his disrespect of you will not be tolerated any longer. you should look him in the eye and say this in a very serious voice. and he should apologize for hitting you. kids have things that are important to them, find out what it is . if it is tv time, then let him know beforehand that his television time will be taken away from him. you really should really make his timeouts count. i realize he is only 22 months old ,but don't let him get up and do whatever he wants. if he gets up from his timeout let him know that his two minutes are going to start ALL over again. watch him like a hawk. as for dinner time ,i think he's not hungry, try not to give him to much to snack on before dinner. also if you don't sit down to eat, then you can't have dessert. i don't know what your bedtime routine is but the end of the day could end with a story of his choice and when it and its time to say good night then seriously but gently let him know that playtime is over. and with all this advice,it might get harder before it gets easier. good luck.

He's 22 months keep his clothing simple the less you have to put on him the better. If he kicks you tell him "no kicking" and continue to dress him. If he running around at dinner strap him in a booster or high chair tell him he doesn't have to eat but at dinner we all sit at the table. I don't know if you still have him in a crib or if he's moved into a bed but if he's still in a crib just grab him and put him in. These little things don't need time outs but they do require you to put your foot down. He wants to be chased its a game don't give into the game and these behaviors will probably start to go away. The other things like hitting and biting should have time outs. A time out should be 1min per age. For them to work they need to be in a safe place where he can't see you. Do not use his room or crib/bed for a timeout. I happen to be lucky I have short hall way that has a gate on each end and that is where my 18 month goes when he hits. No toys no mommy to make faces at. I set the buzzer and that's where he stays for 1.5 min If you do a time out correctly it shouldn't be something he's amused by. Good luck

You've heard of The Terrible Twos - Welcome! Your son (in my experience) is cheerfully and properly ambivalent. He is declaring his independence, and simultaneously needing assurance that you are still There For Him. Our daughter has been very successful with this: she allowed enough time to turn the challenge into a bonding game -- she'd catch her kid, tickle/laugh with her/him, and re-establish the bond -- and usually got the job done as well. Her son, it turns out, is very unusually sensitive to textures, tastes and changes of temperature, so he spent many many days in his PJs - with street clothes over them if required. You might enjoy, and learn a lot from, my favorite kid-psych book: The Magic Years, by Selma H. Fraiberg. Amazon had lots of copies last time I looked. (Just wait 'til he gets to the F-ing Fours!)

I'd be surprised to hear about any 22 month old who isn't giving their parent a hard time with discipline! I know that's not much help, but that's what they're mostly about at this age. A lot of the behavior is about testing your limits-what will you let him get away with. Kids need limits, despite their seeming to hate them. They respect them, and will later respect you for enforcing them. So, first, decide what the limits are-what's allowed and what's not. Tell him that these are the "rules" that you follow in the house to keep everyone safe, make sure things can be done on time, etc. Tell him that you need his help to keep these rules (so it's not just you being the "mean mommy"), so he can scold you for hitting, not being ready on time, etc, too. Let him clearly know what the consequences will be, and then follow through!.
Using "1-2-3- magic" is also a good program. Check it out if you don't know about it already. Basically, you give the kid 3 chances to do what's asked of him (e.g. sit back down at the dinner table), and if he doesn't, you follow through with the consequences. After a few times of this, he will learn that you're serious, and you won't need to get to 3-Magic! Be sure not to yell, make it a power struggle, etc. Just state what you expect clearly and calmly, and what will happen if he doesn't do what you ask-no threats. (e.g. "John, this is 1, if you're not in your seat by 3, then I will take your dinner away and you won't have any dinner tonight". Wait 1 min. and ignore other behaviors, unless dangerous. If he's still not in his seat, say "John, this is 2, if you're not in your seat by 3, I will take your dinner away, and you won't have any dinner tonight". Wait, repeat if necessary, and then follow through, which will probably lead to a huge tantrum. Don't back down! If he does sit down, give him lots of praise, and thank him for joining you for dinner, how you enjoy having his company, ask him to tell you a story, etc. Something to engage him.) Good luck,but my experience has taught me that following through with consequences when they're young, makes things a lot easier when they're older, because they've learned "you mean it", and they do what they're asked, or expected to do most of the time.

This is a game to him. He is testing you to see how far he can push your buttons and you better not let him win. Always start earlier if you know you are going to have trouble. Also, some people just dress their kids in the outfit they are going to wear the next day. As long as he has no leaks, then he is good to go. Kids at this age do understand a lot. You can also try talking about it the night before and tell him that he is going to pick out his own shirt. Or you can give him a choice of two shirts and tell him how proud you are that he picked out such a great shirt. Include him in the decision making. You could also turn things into a fun game in the morning. Get an oven timer that makes a ticking sound and he has to beat the clock. If he does he gets a reward and you get out the door on time. But concerning discipine ... if he doesn't want to do something that you need him to do you have to be consistent with time outs and taking away things. You could try taking away his favorite toy or something else that he likes like story time. But for serious things like hitting or biting, I would not only do a time out I would send him to his room and put him in his bed.

i don't have any advice, but will surely be reading what you're given... my son is 20 months old and does the same thing now!!! good luck!