19 Month Old Will Not Go to Sleep on Own and Wakes up After 4 hrs.....help

It sounds to me like he is having bad dreams. I don't think there is anything you can do about that. My five year old still comes in my room at night freaked out wanting someone to sleep with her. I woke up myself two nights in a row not be able to get myself back to sleep and I am 34. This will get better as he gets older. I see that you work full time. It sucks waking up in the middle of the night knowing you have to go to work.

H.,
It sounds like you're having a really tough time with this and that is adding to the problem. Your son is picking up on your feelings but he is also looking to you for guidance. You don't say what he or you are doing those nights he is up for 3-4 hours. If you get up with him and spend time with him you are actually reinforcing his habit of waking up by rewarding him with your presence and undivided attention. He is old enough to understand it's not time to get up and he must stay in bed. Again, if you rock him to sleep you are keeping him from learning how to self soothe. Dr. Spock has a great chapter on sleep in his book about how to break these habits. Waiting 25 minutes before checking on him may be too long at first. The first night you might have to go in after 5 or 10 minutes to let him know you are there but he is to lie down and go back to sleep. It took me four nights to break my son of waking up in the night, with each night extending out the time I allowed before going in to him. First night he cried for 90 minutes. I didn't even have the chance to get out of bed and go to him on the 4th night before he put himself back to sleep. The more consistent you are with bedtime routine and middle-of-the-night routine, the faster he will adapt.

Good luck,
L. D.

H., congratulations! It's so fun having a little one running around! This is normal routine for kiddos, esp at this age. I hate to say you have to be consistant,can't stand that word, and put him to bed in his bed, at the same time if possible. Let him cry it out...my husband had to physically hold me down with our kids because my heart was breaking! It works, and will save you your sanity esp when you are working full-time! My very best to you and again, congrats!

H.,

One of the things I learned quickly with napping/bed time is timing is everything with children. You must pay close attention to their early signs of tiredness in order to catch that window of opportunity. Because if he moves through his window of tiredness and goes into that "second wind", it will buy him another hour or two of alert time before he re-enters his tired state. The good ol' rush of adrenaline.

Watch for these signs of fatigue; your baby may demonstrate one or more of these:

* decreasing activity
* quieting down
* losing interest in people and toys
* rubbing eyes
* looking "glazed"
* fussing
* yawning
* laying down
* asking for a pacifier or bottle or to nurse

The first thing I would do is make certain he is going to bed at night before the second wind kicks in because this will help him sleep more soundly through the night. Late to bed early to rise is what I read over and over regarding children who do not sleep soundly during the night. So, make the little fellow go to bed at the first signs of sleepiness.

Secondly, this little fellow is definitely attached to mommy. So, doing the cry it out method is really traumatizing him and causing separation anxiety (reason for the clinging when you enter his room after crying it out).

Ways I comfort my little one back to sleep:

1) Always stay with him until he falls back to sleep
2) Caress his head, ears (stroking the ear lobe calms babies and works on husbands too;) , feet, legs while laying with him
3) Pretending he is my little bear cub and place him on his belly, lay blanket over him with skippy(his stuffed animal), then, place my chest on his back and cheek to his cheek or beside his face, I am on my hands and knees making certain not to fall on him, just enough pressure to make him feel warm and safe.
4) Mommy/Baby Nighttime Pallet - We rest on the floor in his nursery with the lights out, sound machine on, blanket/skippy, and he puts his back to my belly and wrap each other up tightly together. Usually, within minutes, he is fast asleep. Sometimes, depending on how early or how tired, I am too;)
5) If he is between the ages of 12-24 months, the little fellow could be going through a teething cycle or growth spurt. He might simply not be able to go back to sleep. In that case, cherish this alone time with him, my little one & I have a turtle night light that flashes stars all over the room, we rest on our backs and sing to one another, chit chat, and whatever calm activity he would like to do. I always stress lets lay down together and he usually complies. Usually, he is back to sleep within the hour, but sometimes it is 1.5 hrs. We cherish this time together, as I well know that he will be my only one and each day is a brand new experience with him. Sleep is something I can do in my next life. Absolutely love the precious moments with just baby and mommy.

Those are some of the things I do in the middle of the night when he wakes up and can not get back to sleep. But, as another mom said, never let him cry it out. Always place yourself in the little tykes shoes....dim lights, shadows, mommy or daddy not in here with me, strange noises, someone help me, hold me, let me out before something gets me....if I had a chain saw, I would cut through this wood and find my mommy. Please....come get me now!
sorry, I let him cry for two minutes one time and this is what popped in my head. Could not do it and ran to him....he went back to sleep immediately.

Oh, since you have done the cry method, it might take a little time now to calm him down, he might be even more clingy. But, promise, after a couple days he will settle back into the new routine (whatever you decide that to be for him). Always remember, it takes 14 days to break a habit. If he has learned a certain habit, give you and him up to 14 days to instill the new one.

Good luck!

I usually like Dr. Greene's advice and I think this article is good - http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&...

The main idea is to console and comfort him without picking up from his crib (unless he needs changing, of course). Pat or rub him on the back and talk or sing soothingly to him. Leave for 1 minute at a time at first and then gradually increase it to 5 minutes (set a timer or watch a clock, or it will seem like forever) at a time. But stay for 5 minutes soothing him to. He will eventually learn to fall asleep on his own.

Hi H.. I'm pipping in because I'm in a similar boat. My daughter is 19 mos and she's been sleeping with me and her dad since she was about 2 months old. I have 17 mos of bad habit to break which is going to be tough. I can't stand the thought of putting her in her bed and letting her cry it out and wonder what she may have done that we don't want her in our bed anymore. Once she falls asleep, I've been putting her in her pack and play and she too will sleep about 4 hours and then wake up crying and only goes back when sleeping with us. I'll be interested in the advice you get. Good luck.

sounds like this kid has become chronically overly tired. i follow marc weissbluth's methods, and for the most part they work like a charm.

Here's what I would do: put your kid to bed earlier. Should be between 6-8 p.m. no later. you'll be amazed at how adjusting bedtime will make them sleep more soundly. second, make sure he gets a nap in his crib/bed every day. We did do CIO, and it worked like a charm. We've had to re-do it after teething or illness, but she goes right back to sleeping through afterward and is very happy and rested.

So, he needs to know how to go to sleep on his own, he needs a consistent, earlier bedtime and he needs at least one good nap of 1.5-3 hours a day at the same time (usually after lunch). Develop a routine with him so that he gets the cues to wind down. We do: bath every other night, change diaper, put on pajamas, read 4-5 books, have a sippy of warm milk, turn of the light, hold and sing a song or two, down to bed. She now asks for her bed and says night night. It's awesome.

Hi H.
Bless your heart what a challenge
I have a 4 and a half year old boy and an 8 week old little girl and have had several challenges with my son and sleep

It has been my experience and the only thing that has worked for us that kids need a routine
bath, brush teeth, story or rocking and then BED
once we did this for a month or so and were very diligent about it my son realized that's the way things worked
it's actually very nice b/c even on weekends when my hubby and I may be staying up a little later Connor still knows that bedtime is bedtime
i am not going to say it wasn't rough the first few nights b/c it SO was but once they realize you are not going to budge and that bedtime is bedtime then hopefully things will be alot more pleasant and everyone can get some good sleep
Hope this helps and good luck!!
K.

H.,

Being a mom of 5, I actually don't like to give advice unless personally asked because every mom is as different as each child is, as well as every lifestyle. But it really bothers my husband and me to hear mothers being advised to allow their children to "cry it out". So I had to add my two cents worth... please do with it what you like but there are always more than one side to things so I felt the need to speak up.

Babies especially were designed to use crying as a way of communicating to signal to its parent(s) that something's not right. I could go on and list the positive and negative effects on them, physically, emotionally, and mentally, if their cries are or aren't attended to but in the end, I'm with Kristin Y. in asking, would we want to be ignored? Yes, he's an older baby but especially if he's not quite verbal and can't tell you what's wrong or what he wants, then it's still not the form of manipulation some seem to think it is. It's wonderful to hear that you're trying to figure him out and loving on him through it!

Reading that he's falling asleep wherever you are and "clinging to you for dear life", it's a thought that he could be going through some separation anxiety and needs a little more of you at times than others, since he has proven that he can sleep through the night. This can happen at any age and more than once. If so, letting him cry it out will only heighten his anxiety, making it worse for all involved. If given the time and attention they need and deserve during these phases (and yes, there will be more times in his life, in different ways - emotionally, etc. - where he'll need you a bit more than usual), from experience, you'll have quickly developed a tight and trusting bond that will be SO worth the struggle of figuring things out as attentively as possible.

If only they came with manuals, we wouldn't have to brainstorm and try to solve our kids' many mysteries but then we wouldn't have the depth of closeness it forms in listening to and getting to know our child(ren) more on every level the situation offers. Like, if it's because he's having bad dreams, some cuddling, like you're doing when you rock him, may be all he needs now and then. Or then again, you didn't mention where your son is when you're at work. Remember to take into account the kind of day he might've had.. if he's around other kids or the only one, he just may be "stressed out" about something and need more of you.

Just please, know that even though you may not be getting some much-needed sleep at times, "this too WILL pass" and he'll eventually outgrow this. Yes, there are many methods that can be tried that have worked for some but you're HIS mother... you know him better than anyone so although you've reached out to find help and have gotten several different perspectives on what to do, please remember to go with your heart on which one, if any, is right for you and your son. And, I liked what you said in your description.. mine are my life too - it's an honor and my calling to be their momma! :)

Blessings wished for you and yours,
H. M.

Hi, H.~

It sounds as if HE is setting the bedtime routine, not you. Either have a 'whatever it takes' attitude ALL the time and let him be the 'ruler', or make boundaries AND STICK TO THEM! Watch Nanny 911 and/or SuperNanny a few times, and you'll see that consistency WORKS --especially with bedtime routines/rituals. It's NOT cruel,either. It teaches children that SOMEONE is IN CHARGE of their world, and it makes them feel SECURE in it!

You and your husband need to agree as to what 'rules' (guidelines, if you will) that you choose to enforce, and then ENFORCE them with a united front. Don't tell your child ANYTHING unless you MEAN it -- AND are ready to carry it through. (I'm a 51 yr old mother of 4 adults and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 little ones, and that's the BEST one-sentence parenting advice my mom [now in heaven] EVER gave me).

It sounds as if pooping at bedtime might be part of his 'ritual'. Put him on a potty and let him look at a book -- or this is a wonderful time to teach him his body parts, colors, letters, etc! It's NOT too early to train him. All my kids were out of diapers by age 2 (although the 2 boys had a few bed-wetting accidents after that, but not many. I think they'd just get so tired that the urge wouldn't wake them up. The 2 girls -- never an accident, and I never wet the bed after being trained, either).

Also -- and I don't mean to be harsh, but your little boy should NOT be 'your life'. You should be willing to GIVE your life for him, if necessary, but don't build your world around him. It's not good for you OR him (or your marriage, your friendships, etc). Truly. Think of some kids you've known as you grew up who were 'everything' to their parents, look at their adult (or teenage) attitudes, and I think you'll see what I mean.

Make a game out when its time to go to bed and sit with him in his room resure him everything ok and hes safe .read sing

My advice is a little bit different...I don't believe in letting anyone cry by themselves...especially not when we are talking about 10 minutes or more. Try reading The No Cry Sleep Solution...or taking it a week at a time...the first week when he gets up rock, sing, pat him to sleep in your arms...then the next week...try just singing and patting him while in the crib...then hopefully one day you can just sing or gently pat him to sleep...while he is still in the crib...with not nearly as many tears. He will eventually learn...and he will remember the kindness. I mean would you learn better by being ignored or by someone caring... I know it takes longer to do the caring thing...but in my mind it is worth it. I am pretty sure he will eventually sleep through the night...when his little body is ready...but there will always be nights he needs you and that's just part of being a parent.