Talking with other parents and the subject came up. What do you expect from your 10 year old? From my other kids that I remember. . . Was able to get ready in the morning, brush long hair (little to no snarls left). Remind them only once about hair teeth, deodarent etc. Was aware of personal boundries/ aware of others, (did not get into other people's personal space), Was able to put themselves to bed. Child doesn't go into tears when they don't get their way.
My main question is this, as parents we are trying to teach kids self reliance. What are other parents teaching their kids at this stage and what have the kids already mastered? Was I completely lucky with my kids, what do other parents see as the norm.
Thanks.
The norm is micomanaged dependent children. Mine get themselves ready. My third is hell to get out of bed but he has other issues that cause that.
There are a fair few parents out there that think raising dependent kids is a good idea because they are safe and appear happy.
On occasion, we get brags, disguised as questions.
Well, heck, if we are going to brag!!! Or do you want one-up-manship?
My 11 and 13 year old have been doing the following since they were in Kindergarten:
* Setting their alarm AND waking up in the AM, turning it off and getting ready for school.
* taking their own showers, brushing their teeth
* setting the table for meals
* pouring drinks for meals
* getting the trash ready to be taken outside - and even on some occasions, taking the trash out.
* determining when they feel they need a hair cut!
* Gathering laundry and separating it into different piles - towels, whites, colors
* stripping their beds and helping put clean sheets on
* answering the phone properly and cordially
* understanding bed time and the routine
By age 10 - they were doing ALL of the above AND
* getting themselves out to the school bus ON TIME
* sitting down to do their homework after play/down time after school
* practicing their instruments ON THEIR OWN
* using the "family" computer for games and homework
* understanding boundaries (and yet they are still trying to see what has changed!!) and personal space....
* prepare breakfast - not just a bowl of cereal - boil water for oatmeal, scramble eggs, cook bacon,
* prepare their own lunch - not just sandwiches - but mac 'n cheese, frying up hamburgers (yes, I still supervise)
* help prepare dinner - cutting up items - learning timing so that everything is done at the same time...exploring food tastes and what goes with what...
All this and manners too!! WOW!!
So do you feel better now? Knowing that you are not alone and apparently the people you hang with have different parenting styles than you? Maybe they still want to be a friend instead of the parent. Don't know. Are their kids well behaved in public? Do they say PLEASE AND THANK YOU? Do yours?
I think every child requires different levels of support, even within a family, and every family has different expectations. If it works for you and your family, it's no one else's business how you do things. If it works for them, it's not your business.
My ten year old is extremely mature and responsible. She does not do her own hair yet because she is mixed and likes to have it flat ironed. I'm just not 100% there with letting her put a 400 degree hot iron to her head...I'll do that for a few more years probably.
She dances and she has to put on makeup for competitions....she can do most of that (not the eye liner yet).
She showers on her own and gets 100% ready for school...has been doing that for some time.
She knows what her chores are (same as my boys who are 8 and 6) and they get done with very little reminding.
She cooks meals and cleans up after herself. I came home from work yesterday to find her making peanut butter cups, they were SO good. I couldn't tell she had cooked by the time she was done...and that's how she has been taught.
All 3 of my kids do dishes, clean bathrooms (different parts for different kids), vacuum, laundry, etc. They have to help out in order to keep things running...and they do it gladly.
Socially my daughter's best friends are at dance. I see the pre-teen coming out in her and the drama at school between the different cliques. I just keep telling her to be nice to everyone and worry about herself...we'll see!
Yes, your kids sound pretty normal.
not sure what all, ya'll are projecting on to this question but to take it as face value i'll give you my answer.
my 10 son, still hasn't figured out combing his hair, but he is easy going and will do what I ask when I ask. He is able to start a load of laundry, but again generally I do it, he will fold it ( although after 3 yrs you would think he would know that rolling isn't the same as folding) and take his laundry up to his room. I set a bad example and generally set the shirts and pants on his dresser because the drawers are hard to pull out, I hate his dresser but it was an heirloom from dh's parents. so now he does that too.
he empties the dishwasher, can get his own breakfast, can pack his own lunch but again I generally enjoy doing it for him so he isn't soley responsible for it. We don't make our beds often, and he hates helping me change the sheets but I still make him. DH has recently started making him scoop a weeks worth of dog $h*t out of the back yard and i'm not sure i'm ok with that, that to me required a bit more maturity than my 10 has. oh and he always feeds the dog. I added wrapping presents for family to their list of skills, still no perfected but its a learning process. we've also started with the vacumming but again I don't have a routine for that so I do it at odd times and it's usually when they aren't around.
Dd has been shown the same things, and is as capable but drives me completely insane, she'll complain and fight with him over everything and doesn't want to do anything that is a chore, but then will ask to cook a five course dinner or to repaint the walls, things that are actually beyond her, She is just a pill and we haven't figured out how to get along, as she wants nothing to do with pleasing anyone. I will continue to parent her and shape her into a productive adult, but this particular week, I'm just fed up with all of it.
I think to some extent you did get lucky but I think you also where thoughtful in your parenting, and are probably a consistent person.
I always think we have to be careful of the boundary between self reliance teaching age appropriate skills and mom is busy on the computer or out having drinks with friends and can't be bothered so she is going to pretend that she is teaching you skills instead of abandoning you which is what it really is.
I'm sure my kiddos could put themselves to bed, but just like having dinner together and checking over homework, those are things that connect us and show my kids that I love them. Those things are my job.
On occasion, there are answers to real questions that appear jealous in nature. Why bother answering a question to which you don't have an answer?
My kids were doing all of those things at 10, except I still had one that was tantruming somewhat at that age. He's a perfectionist and expects things to go as planned, when they didn't it was hard for him to adapt. Took him until the age of 13 to conquer that.
We're Montessori parents, I have high expectations of self reliance for things like self care. They all have been handwashing dishes since age 7, for instance, as well as showering/washing alone and choosing their own daily outfits since age 4/5/6, depending on the kid. They each have their own levels of independence in other areas.
What you're describing sounds like completely normal ten year old behavior. Unless your kids have special needs there's nothing "lucky" about it, at ten they SHOULD be able to take care of their personal needs and be aware of others, and they certainly shouldn't be throwing fits like a toddler.
MIne did all that and chores. Put clothes that I had washed into drawers. Did teach her how to do a load at that point but I mostly did the wash. And wash the bathtub and pick up after yourself. Unload the silverware from the dishwasher
At 10, , GD was doing all that you described, and a bit more.
She has been and still is responsible to make her bed daily, get herself ready for school (ALL I do is wake her up; she gets herself dressed, fed, brushed (teeth and hair) and leaves the house on time), helps cook, helps with dishes, cleans the front bathroom, clears the table and wipes the table and counter after dinner, empty the dishwasher, fold and put away her laundry. I have just taught her how to separate and wash her own clothes so for the past 3 weeks she has been completely responsible for her own laundry.
