Why Do So Many Marriages Fail?

I think many people today are just too selfish. It is about me me me, and what their partner can do for them, never about what can I do for my partner. If both people in a couple focus more on the happiness of the other, they would both end up happier in the long run. JMO

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I think people don't realize that it takes a lot of work to consider the other person. We all want our partners to consider us first but what if they don't? We need to give 100% first and consider our spouses needs above ours. Also, I noticed that a lot of woman try to control their husbands. They're in charge, they nit-pick, nag and pout to gain control. I was like this at first and I was unhappy. I couldn't change anything but then realized (after reading some great books) that I could change me. Even though I didn't think I needed changing...LOL I started looking at me to change instead of trying to change my husband. I started being a loving and support wife like I was when I was trying to woo him while we were dating. Then our relationship drastically changed and we're more in love and happier than ever! Not because I'm perfect or he is, but because we can accept that our relationship is working on a daily basis to love and accept each other AND have fun together. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary last month. =) Great question!

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I just realized I should probably keep my opinion to myself. But I do think a lot of it has to do with immorality and the refusal to acknowledge that God created marriage and gave husbands and wives specific instructions on how to conduct themselves in it. That doesn't cover everyone, but that's it in a lot of situations.

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because marriage is work , and most don't want to put the work into it.

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Hi J.,
Good question!
I think marriages feel because after a year or so the "butterfies" are replaced with reality. Many take that as a sign of "I'm just not 'in love' anymore!" which is ridiculous and juvenile. Just my opinion.
Couple that with the added stresses of having kids right away and making a living--that equals a pressure cooker situation for a lot of couples.

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I think there are many factors. I am the child of divorced parents. My father felt he wasn't "happy" or "fulfilled" in the marriage and he felt entitled to find it elsewhere. "Don't I deserve to be happy?" were his exact words. My opinion is that gaining your own happiness should never come at such great a cost as the happiness of your children and the foundation of a family unit that they are entitled to. That IS an entitlement!!!

I think this feeling of being entitled to happiness is at the root of many divorces. Then this pursuit for "happiness" supercedes commitment, duty, loyalty, a covenant with God, or the children's happiness, or the person you commited your life to.

It really makes me sad and disappointed that as a people we have become so self absorbed and selfish to think our "happiness" comes before the commitments to others. People do not want to work hard for something. Often they feel like if I can't have it MY way then it is not worth sticking around. But all to often they never find the "happiness" they were looking for and in the end lives and homes were ruined.

Many people today do not seriously go into marriage...it is all about how happy the partner makes them feel. We should all go into a marriage thinking about what WE can offer to the marriage. The thoughts of will this be a true partner in life, a good parent to future children and is the partner hard working should go through one's mind before seriously considering marriage. So many marry simply because of feelings....feelings should not be the only marriage indicator.

My hubby and I celebrated our 16 wedding anniversary this past summer. My heart was not the only thing that decided to marry him. My brain also convinced me I could follow my heart.

Good luck and best wishes for many more happy years!!!

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first off, i honestly believe that marriages fail because people aren't willing to fix them. it takes WORK (as you know) and many people just don't realize that, so when something happens (and because society tells us that it's normal) we just throw our hands up and say, "oh well it wasn't meant to be, it's too hard, we don't want the same things..." or whatever.

second, it takes TWO. i'm not throwing stones at any of the ladies on here who are divorced - because if the other person isn't willing to work too, then yes, it will end in divorce because no one can do it on their own. i'm only saying that at least one partner doesn't want to fix it...not necessarily both. but if the other person isn't willing to put in the work, there's not a dang thing you can do about it. so many people who would never believe in divorce find themselves...divorced.

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My husband's abusive. :)

I honestly do not know why other people divorce. All I can do is speculate. ALL I know is that the reason *I* want a divorce, is because my husband is abusive. It's been 10 years. 6 of them not great. But the first 4 WERE great. They were really great. Now...I am so done. So very, very done. Or wish I could be. I have been trying so hard, for so many years, that I personally *cheer* the divorce rate at this point at the thought of all the women and men who were *smarter than I was* and when their spouses started going down the path my husband has been... they got the heck out of dodge instead of putting everyone through the kind of misery being married to an SOB creates. Good on them.

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I have some thoughts on this, which may seem odd to a lot of people. But, here goes:
I think our dating culture is one issue. We get attached, most (?) people engage in marital relationships in a casual way, break up, get our hearts broken and get over it. This is a repeat pattern. When these people then get married, their hearts don't really understand the difference. They have grown acustomed to quitting when it gets uncomfortable and hard. Some people continue on with the casual sex outside of marriage, which is a marriage breaker for most people. People have less self-control. They are brought up to think that the world is all about them. They want what they want when they want it. So, they have less tolerance for something that is difficult, like putting other people first. People don't fear God anymore. So, they don't really care what He has said about marriage.
And, I think the welfare state has enabled men to desert their families much easier with very little guilt. It used to be that if a man left his family, his wife and children suffered tremendously. Therefore, it wasn't nearly so common. It took a really horrible man to do that. Today, they know that the government will take care of them. So, they can go without that burden on them. They can be more selfish. It has also enabled women to leave much easier without the same ramifications as might have happened even 50 years ago.
So, it is my thought that there are multiple reasons, but all together have made for a huge mess in our country (and around the Western world).

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I think also it has to do with our attitude as a society that when something "breaks" we just throw it away. We don't seem to want to try and fix anything anymore, marriages included. We have a tough day and get into a fight and it is just easier to end it than try and fix what went wrong. I have been married for almost 17 yrs, I am not saying that my marriage has been all rosy, but we have managed to stick it out and find a way to work out the differences. I think too that sometimes we think we know someone while we are dating but once we get married it seems all the junk gets pulled out of the closet. And sometimes they realize that they aren't too fond of the way that he squeezes the toothpaste tube....so rather than just let the small stuff go, it builds until it seems that the only option is divorce.
J.--SAHM of 7 and married my my high school sweetheart for 17 yrs.

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I agree....because it's work. It's easier to walk away then work at it. I also think folks get married thinking.....".that will change when we get married". People don't change because you signed a piece of paper.
It's crazy isn't it.

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Good question with a ton of answers.

Some people forgot that when you marry someone it is for life. They do not realize it till the 1st yr, 7 yrs, 13th,and the 20th.. years of marriage. Then they begin to realize.. "good grief, We still have another 50 or 60 years to go!"

These can be times when you have changed or grown into a different person than you were when you married, but you or your spouse still want the original person.. Or people grow apart. They work so hard on their goals, they forget to work that hard on their relationships.

Some people smother their spouses.. It is flattering in the beginning to be adored and wanted, chased and a person being a little jealous but after a while it becomes tiresome.

Some times the goals we originally had are not really what they thought they would be or what the consequences to having these goals would mean. We end up feeling we did all of that work and we are still not happy.
With keeping up with all of the work that is necessary to maintain it.
(Be careful what you wish for it may come true)

Some people marry, because they do not want to be alone or afraid they will never find someone.

Some marry because it is what is expected because living together or having sex outside of marriage is considered a sin. Then they marry this forbidden fruit and realize, it was not a good match after all.

Some were not emotionally mature when they married.

Some were not being their honest selves when they married. (Oprah ~ Women can hold in their crazy for a long, long time.. even decades to get a man.)

Some men and women, just cannot be faithful.

Some people have issues and do not want to face them and work on themselves.

Some are just lazy and want and expect their spouses to do everything for them.

Some people complain but do not want to be part of the solutions.

Some people need to totally control other people.

Some people get tired of the responsibilities. The grass is greener..
Marriage takes a lot of effort.. Add, in laws, work, children, health..

it is tough if the 2 people involved cannot be honest and ask clearly and kindly for what they need. Respect, Appreciations and communication is the secret to the good marriages. There are no secrets, no assumptions and no taking for granted. You want the very best for your spouse, before you want it for yourself.

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I think it's because a lot of these people getting married have the idea that "oh if it doesnt work out, dont worry, you can always just get a divorce"
They think It's the answer for everything.

I dont believe that they have the understanding of what it really takes to keep a marriage going. It takes both give and take, and sometimes their expectations are too high, so instead of being realistic and readjusting your expectations of the other person, they think divorce is easier. They dont understand that it isnt. It is stressful, expensive and can ruin your children's lives. It isnt just about the parents, its about the whole family and I dont think some people take all that into consideration before jumping into stuff they cant handle.

It's sad that there are so many divorces these days. Respect, and true love have gone out the window. When did people become so hard and jaded?

It's a shame!

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In my experience it was because my soon-to-be ex wasn't on the same page as me, was highly dishonest, and felt he had every right to be. We talked about divorce before we married, and both of us agreed it was something we never wanted, him again as he'd already been divorced once.

But when the reality of problems threatened our marriage he didn't want to work them out, he wanted me to "forget it ever happened and move on." Oh, he still didn't want a divorce, even threw it in my face as if I had let him down and said, "I told you before we got married I never wanted another divorce!" OK, sorry, but taking huge amounts of money out of the bank without telling me, not paying bills, and finally, the last straw, cheating on me more than once was a BIGGIE, yet he wouldn't talk about it any of it with me, let alone a marriage counselor or our pastors. So, we separated and I didn't file for divorce, I waited until he did.

It hurts, I thought it would be forever, but I don't deserve to be treated like I was and wouldn't live like that.

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People need to be safe and loved in their marriages and it just so often times does not happen. I was so sad to hear that this mom that I've been talking about the last few days, has entirely ignored her husbands pleas to stop making him sick with her candles. She never believed he was truly sick I guess. That's just one example that so closely relates how cold and indifferent we can be toward the people we love. It's not just marriages that break down. Friendships and other family bonds break down when people are unwilling to make sacrifices for each other.

My husband and I have not had the ideal marriage and sometimes it's came close to ending. But we have chosen to take the good and the bad and keep our commitment. It's been 26 years and counting. I can't say that I regret any of it. :)

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I think there's a few different reasons...and as I write this, I want to make it clear that for those of you who have been divorced, this is meant in no way as judgement to you. It only takes one person in the marriage to have these issues, and it ruins the marriage. So, if you've been divorced, it could very likely be due to your ex-spouse having these issues and not you. (not that I'm an expert!) Just please don't take offense at my little list and think that I think this of everyone who has been divorced!

- Lack of true commitment to the marriage. They forget the "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health". They stay in the marriage when they are happy, and when those attraction hormones wear off, they don't know what to do. They want that "in love" feeling and they think something is wrong when in realtiy it's totally normal. Those attraction hormones go away after 2-3 years. It doesn't mean you are no longer attracted to them, but if your relationship is ONLY based on the feelings the hormones gave you, then you're left with nothing.

- Selfishness, the need to always "win". Instead of realizing they are a team, they end up on opposing sides and try to do whatever they can to win in an argument, when in reality, they should be trying to work together as a team (this is something I think every couple struggles with!). They should be putting each other first. But sometimes one will take and take and take and be too selfish.

- Some people think too much of themselves and their wants and needs. They don't put their spouse first. They don't consider their spouses feelings on things. They also don't realize that typically men and women interpret love differently and so the way they try to show love to one another often doesn't work right ("His Needs Her Needs" and "The Five Languages of Love" are great books to explain these differences and how to love each other properly). When they love each other incorrectly, it can very easily lead to feelings of loneliness and unhappiness and eventually unfaithfulness or divorce.

I think a marriage takes TWO people who want to work hard to be faithful and committed to each other. it doesn't work if only one is trying. I think often people's feelings goes in waves. They really love their spouse, then it lessens some, then they really love them, then it lessens some... And, often times people lose interest in the marriage if they are feeling the lessening of being "in love". They got married for the love, not for the marriage. I think you need to be married for both. Be married for the marriage, and always do what you can to make sure you are in love...even once those hormones dwindle and go away.

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I believe for an honest answer you would need to ask each person who divorces. To that person the reason or reasons are good enough. Obviously others will judge those reasons but that is really irrelevant. In my opinion grand sweeping statements cover the human stories behind each divorce. Selfishness, perhaps. Entitlement, perhaps. A lack of a relationship with a god, perhaps. Unhappiness, perhaps. Mismatched personalities, perhaps. I divorced because I had had enough coming last in everything. I wanted and needed someone to stand right next to me and not flinch no matter what comes in this life. I remember distinctly the moment when I mentally threw in the towel. I was up to my eyes in a hot, dusty, dirty garage in 100+ degree Texas summer weather when my then husband came out, peered over the pile of junk and announced he was going to see his family for drinks by their pool. I stood utterly still and thought what the hell am I then and where do I fit in your life? For me that precise moment clarified all of the times I had done everything and not been met even half way. I was not and am not the maid, chauffer, banker, handyman, lawnman, breadwinner, gopher, dog washer, dog walker, general dogsbody, etc. etc. It takes two in everything for a marriage to work and imperfect me was working very hard for too little in return. Today remarried I am applying all those hard lessons I learned the first time around and am communicating, communicating, communicating. My husband and I are equal partners in all matters of our lives. It's not always pretty but it's our marriage and we both have tremendous pride in our bond which provides the glue and the motivation for the long haul. Divorce is ugly but it is necessary and a completely personal decision.

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I was married 18 years, if I had lived with my ex for even a month that marriage would have never happened.

There are so many different reasons they fail, just from my informal research you can tell if it will fail from the get go. Problem is you can't see why it will fail until it does. Damn that hindsight!!!

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Marriage takes a whole lot of work and compromising. I do not think people
realize that. Also, women are marrying later; they have their careers and
are financially in a good place so at the first sign of something not being
right etc. they take the easy way out; get a divorce.

I have been with my husband 40 years, married 37. Have there been times
when I thought, am I crazy, but then things settle down and you realize you
need to do a bit of work and all is well. Kids and money definitely put a
strain on a marriage. 40 years later, he is the best and I love him more today then yesterday!

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Haven't read your answers yet but I have an opinion from what I've seen in the marriages around me that haven't survived. In a simple word - selfishness. People often go into a marriage thinking "what can I get out of this" instead of "what can I offer". I think we ALL go though ups and downs (I've been married almost 20 years and they haven't all been great, but we've grown closer and understand each other so much better than in those early years.) When things go wrong, I think people either give up too easily or worse than that, one or both of them refuses to go talk to someone (clergy, pastor, therapist) to see how they can fix things. People just check out of the marriage and that's what kills it. My husband has told me that if we ever hit a very rough spot, he would be willing to go talk to someone. That speaks volumns to me about how much he cares about me and our marriage. Even when only one person thinks there's a problem, the other person owes it to them to go see why they think something's wrong. My sister's marriage is in the process of breaking up because her husband flat out refuses to find out what's making the marriage unbearable for her. He tells her she's crazy and he's happy so deal with it. Deal breaker for me, personally.

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Two people, a couple....are never alike, there are similarities, common interests, dislikes, but never totally equal. Marriage is tolerating with endless love and respect the other person we chose to be our partner. It is difficult sometimes because people changes, we as woman change and men change over time even when we and they keep the core, but problems, situations, happiness, mistakes, sweet moments, life make us change at different stages and I think that is one of many reasons people get divorce: there is no place to tolerate each other or acceptance for those changes or for being who each person is. I got married late in life (at 35), and I think I was blessed, lucky because I got married more mature and knowing what to expect and what to give back. I wish young couple learn that marriage is a strong and wonderful commitment where a man or a woman should enjoy every single thing of her/his spouse, and understand/tolerate his/her mistakes or weaknesses. Reality is thinking that marriage goes beyond the wedding day, it goes so much deeper, and it needs to be nurtured every single day ..on bad days and good days.....Marriage to me is built with intelligence and kindness..It is hard.....but a wonderful journey..and one of the best decision I have ever made with ups and downs.

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Any number of reasons. Some marry too young and are immature or they haven't lived enough to know what they want yet. Others aren't committed. Some marry the wrong person (too different). Then there are outside forces and trying to juggle life in general.

I married my high school sweetheart and was way too young. He was very jealous and had a temper. Having a young child on top of all of this was too much (although we tried longer than we should have because of our son). Since then I have remarried (have been for 13 years) but that damn hindsight sometimes make me wonder because I never let my guard down to truly fall in love (I love him but not the way I wish I did).

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I think couples should live together first. My husband and I got engaged, then moved in together a month later. I learned so much about him that year and two months we lived together. At the end, I still wanted to marry him. We have been married almost 10 years, and every bit of it has been just like that time we lived together. I think I would have discovered anything about him during that time that would have been a deal breaker and I knew EXACTLY what I was marrying into.
I think the trial period gives you time to back out before it becomes permanent or legal, and before children are brought into the picture (in most cases). Because of moral or religious reasons, many people don't really get to know their partner before they marry, and there is a lot of pressure not to live together first. We both agree was the best decision we ever made. And my strong, successful, and happy marriage (plus two beautiful children) just proves it.

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I am a somewhat newlywed (compared to 18 years!) so I do not have any first hand response. However, this was the topic of the Homily at church last Sunday. The priest was talking about how Americans today have a "blame others" attitude and we learn from a very early age that we can just remove ourselves from any situation in which we are not satisfied with.

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This question is great :) I one reason is that people enter into marriage thinking of how it will enrich their lives. Of course you love the person you will marry, but when I got married I wanted to share my life with someone, but I also wanted to be a wife and enrich someone else. My hubby told me when he married he came into it bc he knew he wanted to be a husband and that it was time for him to find a wife to care for. We both came in bc we were in love but also bc we knew it was our season to take on the responsibilities and the roles of caring for another person. I didn't marry until I was 30, had traveled, lived out of the country and pursued things that were interesting to me. When I married I was ready to 'slow' my life down and focus on the interests that pertained more to marriage and family. So I am not saying that is the only reason but I do think that many people are looking for happiness, rather than wanting to bring happiness to the other. Good question ;)

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IMO 3 things:
1. Getting married for the wrong reasons (ie only sexual attraction or because you need to feel "stable" or because you need to be with someone).
2. Listening to alot of BS about why you should divorce, and thinking of it as a fast and easy solution instead of being willing to put some EFFORT into fixing things if it is not ideal.
3. Having too many secrets between one another. Whether it's big things like cheating or lesser things like overspending etc.

My parents have been married 35 years. My husband's parents nearly 40 years. My grandparents on one side have been married 65 years and on the other 62 years. His grandparents on one side died young so were only married 45 years or so and the other ones 60 years. We both have a strong foundation of solid family going into this. We've been married 13 years. Every day is not passionate madly in love. But we do love each other and sometimes we fight and we make up and we are still in love. I am sure I love him more now than when I married him. BTW we got married after only weeks of dating but I know we're the exception not the rule.

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Alot of times people rush into it. My little sister (21) married her husband Halloween 2010, had their daughter May 2011, and by the end of July 2011...they were divorced. She rushed into it. They dated 3 weeks before deciding they should be married...and have a kid. When the wedding came, they'd been together2.5 months or so. They could not compromise to save their lives...and now their daughter has to suffer because of it.
My husband and I will have been married 6 years in December. We've had our ups & downs, but never would I ever want anything different & same for him. We compromise everything we disagree about (he used to go out every night-- now he stays and spends time with us instead, for example.)

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I think a lot of is that we grow up believing in fairy tales and we have a hard time accepting the reality of love which is that it's not always all peaches and cream. I've posted several questions on here about whether people have fairy tale marriages and whatnot because as I settle into my marriage, I've been confronted with the very hum-drum blah part of marriage which is weekends full of chores, nights full of putting the baby to sleep, etc. Where are the gentle caresses on my cheek? The passionate interlocking of our eyes?? My husband blames my state on the fact that I consumed romantic movies like nobody's business growing up. lol. I'm very happy in my marriage but I'll be the first to admit that it was hard letting go of the idea that love was all romance and drama (the good kind) instead of laundry, cleaning up baby poop and stressing about finances. I know that our love is real though and I'm blessed that my husband and I agree that divorce is never an option. It is work but it's worth it :)

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There's a country song that puts it best.

"its my belief 'pride' is the chief cause in the decline of the number of husbands and wives"

I couldn't put it any better.

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I think some people settle for significant others who are not really right for them.
People get married for the wrong reasons.
Some are not meant to be in monogomous relationships.
Partners dont have the same beliefs and morals.
Fall out of love.
They loose their teeth.
They get fat.
Stress from kids causes fighting.
I think i could go on and on why marriages fall apart.

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Because people quit making an effort when things get tough.

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I'm amazed as many as half of marriages survive. I think it's the exception to be lucky enough to meet your absolute soul mate and have both people equally work on the marriage honorably. Even the marriages of my friends that have lasted-I don't envy. It's just too hard to get out of them with kids and communal property etc. People are scared to start over solo, or financially unable to. Good, happy marriages are pretty rare, and you should feel blessed!

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Sometimes people are dishonest about who they are and what they want. I waited until I was 34 to get married. I was so happy and with in two months of being married my husband just switched. He suddenly was an angry abusive person. In two very long years he stole 25k in my name, had several affairs, hired prostitutes and committed fraud. Truth is His family are huge community leaders and think I'm an awful person and parent for divorcing him. The people closest to me that have seen the proof are blown away because he is such a nice guy.
I have thought for a long time that any marriage can work if you share similar morals and values.
One of the hardest parts of divorce is when people have been married for years say, you know marriage is hard work. Yes it is but both parties have to be willing to work. I'm not going to stay married to a criminal.

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My first marriage failed because he was physically abusive and I had gotten to the point I had enough. They fail for many reasons and it just depends on each persons perspectives and what they believe to be a good enough or moral enough reason to leave/or stay.

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For many reasons! People have unrealistic ideas and visions of what marriage should be. They think it's all good times, romance, excitment etc. But at the same time, they forget to try to keep it alive. Take their partners for granted etc. They want this vision, but they don't work at trying to keep it alive themselves.
I havent been married that long (6 years) but I've seen it can be hard. But I married later then most people I know, and despite things getting hard sometimes, I still realize how much I love him. And that no matter what, looking outside the marriage or giving up would not be worth it. I try to tell him all the time that I love him, and I even remind him that I need him to tell me that too. I know more people who have been married multiple times compared to people still working on their first marriage.

If you are interested in this question, it might be worth checking out E. Gilbert's "Committed." She spends a lot of time on the sociological studies of divorce, but the biggest risk factors are being a child of divorce, getting married before 25, and being of a lower educational status (people who are also more likely to get married young). Of course, those are population-level statistics, but the good news is that as the age of first marriage increases, the divorce rate falls. It is the lowest it has been in my lifetime now.