What to Do About My Husband?

Do you mind if I ask, how long have y'all been married? I have been married to my husband for almost 17 years. We have been together for almost 18 years. Marriage can be a matter of a lot of ups & downs. We have 2 children (that are both of ours). Our boys are both teenagers now!

As for your situation, I have a few questions:

1. Is there anything in your husband childhood that would cause him to act this way?
2. Was he an abused child?
3. Does he act like his father?

I find a lot of how a person acts as an adult has alot to do with their childhood. My husband comes from a history of abusive/ controlling parents who encouraged his siblings to treat him like he was not welcome in his own family.

If you are still willing to give your marriage a chance, my suggestion would be to try to look into your husbands childhood & see if he is willing to go to marriage/ family counseling. And if your not willing to put up with this anymore, then you need to find the strength in yourself to get you & the kids out of that situation as soon as you can. No one should have to put up with any of this! You deserve better. I hope that this helps!

Hi T.,
As a family of addictions I feel your pain. Your husband needs help and he takes it out on you & kids.
It's NOT your fault for ANY of this. Abusers get around them being the problem.
I'm sorry you are going thur this. My husband is verbally abusive. I'm pregnant with a 3 year old autisic son and he's telling me that my next kid will be "screwed up". That's his kid too!
IF you still love him, you must since you're asking for help, ask his/your family for help.
Good LUCK
N.

You have to get a back bone lady.....If he treats you like this, you are allowing it. Do not allow it, tell him it is unexectable. If he does not listen, you need to take action. Ignore him and only answer him when needed. Do not argue with him...walk away when he starts up with you. If it bothers him that much that you are not speaking to him, then say to him that we need to talk and get our marriage better. Tell him that both of you are drifting apart and need to communicate. You can become a strong woman....Divorce is a hard thing to do and your kids with suffer. You can save your marriage and figure out exacty what to do. Take a stand and stick with it.Good luck and my God Bless you and your family.

Hi T.,
First, I truly believe you need to really think about what you want and expect out of this marriage. Think about what it is that made you happy when you first got together with your husband. Once you have your thoughts clear, you need to sit with him and tell him. Depending on how he responds, you should react. If he seems understanding and is willing to work in making things better for the both of you, then great, but if he just sits there and keeps blaming you for his unhappyness, he is the one who has to decide to get help for himself. You won't be able to do it for him.

Are you still in love with him? Do you think that you could spend the rest of your lives together and be happy at the same time? How are your children reacting to all of this? If you are not happy, your children will pick up on that and think that the way things are at home is the "normal" way to be. My husband chose to drink our marriage away and it came a time, when I had to make a decision between keeping my children around drunk, who would be sober for about 2 weeks out of the year, or start all over by myself, to better my children's lives. I chose the latter and although it has not been easy, I'm still here, my kids are happy and now I feel much, much better.

I'm not saying that's what you need to do, but you really need to do some soul searching to make sure you get to be happy again. It is possible to do that and I'm willing to help you in any way you may need.

I wish you the very best and I look forward to hearing how things turn out for you!!

Take good care of yourself.

P.

I have a very similar problem. My husband also complains about everything. Even if I've cleaned the entire house he WILL find something to complain about (ie i forgot to fold the clothes when they were done, or i couldnt choose what i wanted for dinner, or i didnt turn the ice maker back on) anything! and he makes me feel like i cant do anything right, or good enough. I know how you feel. Just know that you're not alone in this.

I am really sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble. I will keep you in my prayers. Have you considered counseling? It sounds to me like he may be depressed or dealing with some anger issues. It might be something that you want to look into if he would be willing (I know that is often the problem). Where are you located? What do you do for a living?

Hi T.!
I think Patricia gave you a great response. I left my previous marriage because I wasn't happy. And knowing that the children feel that, I made the move. I am remarried with two more children, and have made a real hard life for my older two. Divorce isn't always the answer.
Your husband has an addiction. Like what Patricia said, he has to notice that and want to get help. Have you sat with him and told him this yet? My ex was a bit of an alcoholic. I say bit cause it wasn't every day, it was every weekend. I really got tired of it one day. While he was at the bar, I took the kids and left town for one night. He came home to an empty house...wondering where we were. Of course since he was drunk, he just passed out for the night. But in the morning, he was making phone calls. It scared him. When I did make it home, I gave him an ultimatum (sp?). He did get better for about a year, but then slumped right back into it again...one of the reasons we are divorced today!
Like Pat said, you need to do some soul searching. Even if you've "fallen out of love," that can be rekindled. But its going to take 100% from both of you.
Personally, I do regret my divorce. I should have stuck by my husband. You think you are getting rid of your problems, but after divorce, it's a whole 'nother set of problems, three times worse! Cause now you will have "step" parents and other kids involved. Please think real hard before you make any drastic decisions. Let us know how you do!
AMH :)

my husband was the same way it was like he was jealous of the kids and nevered bonded with them but he also had a very bad childhood so he wasn't sure how to and he also has had problems with depression...after the birth of are second child i had enough and since then he has been seeing a counsler and is on medication and we just gave birth 3 months ago to are thrird baby and it is alot different this time he still has alittle bit of a problem with are 5 year old son but they never really bonded so they are working on a relationship...so maybe counsling would help him....also joint counsling helps we have been doing that also....good luck

I think maybe your husbands attitude comes from his own problem. My husband is a gambler and I think he knows he has a problem but he won't admit it. Whenever he is losing money it affects our relationship. When he is winning our relationship is great. He is a totally different person when he is gambling. If your husband is feeling bad about himself he might be taking it out on you and the kids. I feel terrible for you. It sounds like you have it pretty bad. I think if you want your relationship to work you need to understand where the anger and unhappiness is coming from. It's not you. It's him. And it's hard to tell yourself that over and over, I know. If you can catch him at a rare good moment, try talking to him then. Maybe counseling is the answer. If you are doing your best to get along and do what you need to do, you can't worry about what he says or does. I think that some men just can't deal with their own imperfections so they look for the smallest imperfections in others. And I also agree with the other mom who said it could be something from his past. I know that alot of my husband's problems stem from his childhood/family life. It has taken a long time but he is finally starting to come around. Don't give up. It can get better.

Your husband sounds like he has a serious problem with himself. It is not you or the kids. And this does not sound like a good situation for any of you. I would be talking to your husband and let him know that you are not at fault for everything and he needs to take responsiblity for his actions. Maybe a seperation would help him to see what he actually has to loose. I am not one to suggest breaking up, but this situation is not healthy for you or your kids. You are person that deserves respect and your kids deserve and need a good home life to grow up in.

I was in a relationship for 10 years, and 3 kids. Same thing everything was my fault, he was drinking off and on, put me down , cursed at me sometimes and everyone else like friends and family came before me or the kids. I finally realized i deserved better and I was better off alone then this. I tried the talking, and the counseling, and all the 2nd chances you could possibly give someone. He yelled at the kids alot, sometimes disciplined too harshly. I left in Aug. yes it was the hardest decision to make because all i wanted was a family and to have all my children have their mother and father (and i got that too..from him, the guilt trips of what i would do to my kids if i left that kids need a mom and dad (because i came from divorced parents). I remembered that feeling when i was young too and i didn't want the same for my kids. But i came to realize my children will have a mom and dad they just won't be living together, and they won't be arguing in front of the kids, and we won't be teaching our children that unhealthy relationships are ok. I told him before i left, do you really want your sons to treat their wives the way you treat me or do you want your daughter to pick a man that treats her like you do. Since I have left, my oldest grades have gone back up (they dropped the last 6 months before i left and he's very bright all 100's kind of kid that was getting 60's). They all say they are happier now, and they do see their dad every other weekend and one night a week for dinner. He is still not involved with any of their extracurricular stuff, but that's ok I am there, and my kids see that and recognize it. Believe me kids are alot smarter and aware than you think. I definitely think what i did was the best thing for my kids now. It was hard as far as us adults to not be angry at eachother when i left but now as time passes we can actually talk about the kids and he has even asked me to be his friend again..I've known him since i was 13 and he was my best friend and it just had changed after we became a couple. Nobody can make the decision but yourself and you will know when your ready if you decide to leave, but you have to look deep in yourself and see what you really want out of a relationship. Sometimes people also grow in different ways and it changes the relationship. Just reallly think about it, only you can decide.