October 06, 2008,
D.R. asks from Weyauwega, WI on October 02, 2008
Pregnant with Cheating Husband
I am 5 months pregnant and just found out my husband has been having a relationship with a coworker. He swares it is just flirting and has not gone past that point-nothing physical. But I have caught him in lies and read his text messages and e-mails. They are hurtful-like him calling her beautiful and saying any day talking with her is a good day. This is our first child and I'm devastated. He told her the flirting needed to stop that it was inappropriate and he needed to concentrate on his marriage. He never thought it would go farther than flirting anyway so he said it wasn't a big deal to stop it, that he felt guilty about it anyway. I don't know what to believe though-I am being naive. How can I trust him from now on. We've been married 6 years and I don't know if the thought of having a baby scared him. I was pretty sick my first trimester and he was very distant during that time. Since then he has been loving but still had this relationship. He was the one that really wanted kids so I didn't force him into it. I'm so confused and alone. I can't talk to anyone b/c I don't want people thinking bad of him or me or our marriage if we decide to stick it out. I just need some advice. I'm a mess and worried about the stress my baby must be feeling.
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So What Happened?™
I want to thank everyone who responded from the bottom of my heart. Your thoughts, and advice, and comfort really helped me get through the hardest part of this and I don't know if I could have handled this without those messages. A lot of you have gone through similar experiences and my heart goes out to you as well for you having to deal with that at one point in your life. But knowing that I'm not alone and that you got through it has kept me from sinking too far into my own devastation. This is the first time my husband has ever done anything like this. He has always been such a loving and caring person to me. He chased me for about 4 years before we even started dating and once we did I knew this would be a life long relationship. What he did shattered my view of us and our marriage. But through this experience we have talked a lot and let a lot of our frustrations out. And while I take no blame for what he did and I have made it very clear to him how wrong and unexcusable his actions were, I realized some things from him being totally honest-I had gotten complacent in our marriage, I had stopped giving him what I used to emotionally and I missed the signs when he had tried to talk to me about those things that bothered him. Something I didn't mention is that my husband travels a lot for work. So my frustrations were exposed as well-how can you have a strong marriage when your husband is away that much and you are left here to deal with not only missing him but doing everything at the house alone. So anyway, we are going to take this as an opportunity to work on some things that hopefully can and should be fixed in our relationship and even though I still have a broken heart it has been exciting already to see the small changes we've already made in just a few days. My two remaining issues (and I know it will take a long time to get over them and I've told him that) are I am still so sad about what happened. I wake up in the night and can't get those e-mails and the words they exchanged out of my head and the thought that even though he said that was the extent of it that maybe there was more to it. And also I still have doubts and times when I do believe him but a part of me says why, he has lied to you before. He has given me total access to his e-mail and phone anytime I need to check but I think, now that he knows that I am checking he won't leave information on there for me to find. So now it will hard to ever really know 100% if it is over even though I was there by his side when he called and told her that their exchanges have been wrong and inappropriate and they need to stop so he can concentrate on his marriage. But I guess that is normal and I have to accept that that will take a lot of time to get over (if I ever truely can). He has also agree to go to counseling if in a few weeks we still feel like we need it. I think it could definitely help-but since he still has to travel alittle more before his busy season is over, I want to take advantage of our limited time together to be intimate and look to the future - I hope that is the right decision. It is still difficult to think clearly right now. Anyway, that is my update but mostly I just wanted to thank you all so much again-I've taken a lot of the advice I've gotten (and even re-read these messsages for support and comfort) and I just want you to know that has helped me more than you will probably ever know-you are such wonderful people for taking the time to share your thoughts with a total stranger - that is true human kindness and that alone has made me a stronger person.
M.T. answers from Madison on October 03, 2008
D., I am so sorry you are going thru this during an already emotional time. I too went thru a similar situation and even moved out of our home and in with my parents after finding a letter my husband had written to his "friend". I tried for a few months to patch things up and go to counseling with him, but he couldn't/wouldn't let go of his "friend". I let go, decided to do it on my own and then surprising he was back and wanted to fix things. Our daughter is now 2.5 and are very happily married although I still do not trust him 100%. Many aspects of our relationship are stronger and better than before. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts.
I definately reccommend talking to a counselor and a close friend or family. Its hard to pretend nothing is wrong when something definately is. Your friends and family will take your side and support thru this and when you get it all worked out they too will repair their relationship with him. My husband actually apoligized to my family and friends before he came to me.
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C.D. answers from La Crosse on October 03, 2008
Marriage counseling is the obvious answer here. It is something lots of people do and none of their therapists are allowed to tell anyone you are seeing them.
But first--pick your closest girlfriend and confide in her. You cannot navigate through this type of thing all by yourself. You may be surprised at the stories she has to tell you about her own marriage.
Your husband is being very disrespectful and unloving towards you and the baby and I suggest you tell him your feelings about this.
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B.B. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
D., I'm so sorry. I think it is REALLY common for men to have an "emotional" affair with someone at work. He should have been there for you, especially when you were sick, but he chose to talk to someone at work. And maybe that is as far as it's gone. But maybe not. That would break my heart too. At least he admits it to you, and I hope he says he is willing to break this tie with "her." If he is willing, I think you should try and make it work. I think a lot of men have a hard time with their wife being pregnant - NOT THAT I THINK IT'S OK TO HAVE AN AFFAIR! I'm just trying to understand a man's point of view. I have had an emotional affair at work, so I understand how it happens. You just have to keep your emotional connection with your husband. You need to talk, talk, talk. Tell him how alone you feel, tell him you need him, you're scared, etc. You need him more now than ever. He must not understand that. Good luck to you guys, D..
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S.K. answers from Des Moines on October 03, 2008
First, I am so sorry you are having to go through this when it should be your special time of fun and excitement. That being said, first things first, go to your doctor and have yourself checked for all STDs. I am sure he is telling you the truth, but better safe than sorry (especially when you are pregnant). Then, you need to become a mama bear and protect your baby and your marriage. Call this "woman" and tell her to stay the heck away from your husband. He is YOUR husband and the father of your child! Make it clear to her that you plan to fight for your marriage and will take legal action if she continues. Next I would tell your husband that it is time to grow up and start treating his pregnant wife with the respect she deserves. For goodness sake, you are carrying his first child and he needs to start treating you like the special person you are. Teach him how to treat you and let him know what is acceptable. I know you are worried about the baby, but the baby is fine as long as you are eating healthy, taking your vitamins and not putting bad things in your body. You will be able to trust him again, you just need to put your foot down and take charge of the situation. Congratulations on your upcoming baby.
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K.S. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Definitely give him the benefit of the doubt in terms of a physical relationship but keep your radar turned on. Then find a relationship coach (often a less intimidating scenario than a marriage counsler even though most usually do both). Men often have a hard time adjusting to pregnancy because so much attention switches to the woman and the man ends up feeling confused and lonely. A relationship coach can help you both understand your separate emotions and teach you safe ways to talk to each other about those feelings.
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C.J. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
D., I am so sorry that you are going thru this right now. Being Pregnant is hard on a woman in so many ways. Your emotions are running fast and everything seems to bother or upset you. BUT....This is not an excuse for how your husband is behaving. He needs to see that you are carrying HIS child and what that means. If he has lied to you in the past, chances are he is not telling you the complete truth now. If he will go to marriage counsling - Great get in there right away before the baby is born and has a chance to bond with his or her Father. If he won't go to counsling, well then you have your answer don't you. If he does go to counsling but, he does not commit himself, counsling won't work anyway and you will still be in the same position you are in right now. When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was not in a committed relationship with her father (we were dating) and he told me he was in love with another woman whom he had been seing behind my back. I made the right choice to move on with my life and make a life for my child and myself, instead of trying to fight for something that wasn't mine to begin with. Sometimes you just have to recite the serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
You will never change your husband or make him act differently UNLESS he wants to. I believe for the sake of your heart and mind and more importantly for the well being of the child you are carrying, if he isn't willing to step up and make the necessary changes he needs to make in his life, for his wife and unborn child. Then you need to cut him loose and move on and make a life for you and your child. when you become a Mother, everything changes and you don't want to hurt this baby in the future, by being with someone who lies to you and you can't trust. This is not a good way to start out this baby's world.
I belive with all my heart that you can be strong and make the right choice. I know its hard and your heart is breaking, but remember you are a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved. I would also confront this other woman at the work place. Make her feel uncomfortable, let her know she is comtributing to the destruction of a marriage. I bet their co-workers do not know what is going on, and if they did would not approve. Also, who cares about his feelings...HE does not and has NOT cared about YOUR feelings has he! Call him out on these text messages and "flirting" Its total BS! Being scared about having a child and becoming a first time father is no excuse for his actions. Your husband needs to step up and be a REAL HUSBAND and future father or step aside.
I hope this helps you...I know from personal experience that this will be hard, BUT I also know the life inside of you is depending on you. Good Luck!~
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M.W. answers from St. Cloud on October 03, 2008
My friend went through the same thing when she was pregnant with their 3rd child. Her husband denied that he was cheating until he was caught red-handed at the mistress' house.... She was actually his secretary. When he finally did cut it off with her it was trouble. She did NOT want to let go. So, he sold his business to get away from her because she refused to quit and he didn't want any lawsuit about firing her... Now, 3 years later, they are back together and remarried.
So here is my advice.
1st: He needs to break it off with the other woman. Maybe you both need to confront her together so she understands that you two are united.
2nd: He needs to quit his job ASAP. He needs to relocate to another job where she will not be there. She may NOT want to let him go and that WILL cause problems.
3rd: Go to a Christian pastor and seek Christian counseling. (From a friends perspective, they went to both Christian and non-Christian counseling and she said that the non-Christain counseling almost destroyed what was left of their marriage.....)
4th: PRAY. This is going to be a difficult situation for a while. It will take time to be able to trust him again. (I had a boyfriend who cheated on me at one time. He said it was nothing physical but what he did was STILL cheating. As is what your husband is doing...)
5th: You guys should go to some marriage classes. I know they have retreats for rebuilding marriages that I've heard wonderful results about. They are usually for a weekend or so. Google it.
6th: Start dating each other again. It will help you remember why you fell in love at the begining. My husband and I just started doing this again (2 children later) and it makes us feel like we're important to each other.
Good Luck and congrats on your baby. Children are a wonderful blessing and pregnancy is NO reason for husbands to do things like this. Pregnancy is tough on women too and you both need to be there for each other. Try to do special things for him now that you are feeling a bit better. You need to remind him why he loves you. Life gets too busy and we tend to forget that we are supposed to serve and build each other up....
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C.R. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Hey, D.! What a tough situation for you to be in. You're getting some great advice, but since no one else has brought this up, I'm going to reply and point it out. It sounds like the emotional affair (call it what it is, even if it was just "flirting"), isn't the only problem you have with your husband. Have you caught him in lies before this time and have you had problems trusting him in the past? It sounds like the answer might be yes. The problem with this is that there is a pattern to the interactions you have with each and that pattern includes a lack of consideration for your feelings and a lack of honesty. My sister went through a very similar situation (husband's flirting lasted for four years) and they tried to work on it. Went to counseling, things got better, and then her husband reverted back to his old ways of treating her and their family. She's not happy in her marriage and he's not changing. My point is...leopards don't change their spots. If the affair is the only problem, then by all means, see a marriage counselor who can help your husband work through his fear and help the two of you work at building trust again. But if the affair is just one more thing on the list, maybe it's the "straw that broke the camel's back". You have more than yourself to think about now and you need to make sure you're in a healthy relationship so that your child will grow up knowing that his or her mom is worthy of respect and consideration. It's easier to be a good mother when you're happy with your life and relationships. So put your needs and the needs of your child first and take a hard look at your marriage and your husband to determine whether they are capable of being healthy for you. And good luck!
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S.G. answers from Rapid City on October 03, 2008
It is certainly hard to have to go through this and hopefully he is telling the truth on the just flirting part but I would trust my instinct more then I would what he said at this time. No one but you can decide what to do in the situation, a lot of marriages survive a full fledge affair, it is different but it can work. It takes a lot of soul searching and even a little wall building and a lot of letting go of the past to have it work. You have to decide if you love him enough to let go and not bring it up each time you fight. That said my advice would be, don't take the blame on yourself. It isn't your fault or anything you did or didn't do that caused this, it was something inside him that made him feel it was ok to flirt with this woman. Don't try to understand it, it will just drive you crazy and really, there is no good excuse for stepping outside the marriage. Go to a councilor, it will let you get the feelings out and if you both go it will help him see how hurtful it is and how his actions do affect others. If he won't go, go alone. You shouldn't be stressed, it isn't good for the baby or for you so if you need to have a break and get away alone, try to do that also.
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T.G. answers from Omaha on October 03, 2008
In my humble opinion, you both need to see a counselor. He needs to fully understand what he has done, be it physical or not, and he needs to re-build your trust in him, and that can take a very long time! Be strong and DO NOT be afraid to talk about it, find a pastor or priest and go from there if friends and family are not a good choice. Good luck and GOD bless you! Please please please do not blame yourself for any of what he has done, and do not feel like you need to protect him, he should have been protecting you and he was not.
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J.R. answers from Cedar Rapids on October 03, 2008
I am so sorry that you are going thru this D.!
When i was pregnant it was really tough on my husband too cuz i was sick throughout the whole pregnancy. We really really grew apart and are just now startin to really get back on track.
Maybe other mom's on here will not agree with this, but try to remove yourself from your position for a moment and think of it from his point of view... (I am in _no_ way saying that you've done anything at all wrong) But from his point of view, he may feel that he's lost the companion that he used to have. I know for us, my attention completly turned to being sick and tired all the time and baby stuff even before she was born- and my hubby got so jealous! Its so hard to understand why a husband would turn to someone else to vent or talk instead of his wife, but he may honestly be trying to spare you. Like for instance, he may realize how tired or sick you've been and he may realize his jealousy or insecurities are nothing in comparason to what you're going thru so he may have felt/feel like its easier to talk to and have 'fun' with someone who isnt under that stress. And after spending time talking and getting closer to someone without all the everyday and pregnancy stress, he will naturally begin to feel more and more connected to that person. I am in no way trying to say what he's done is right or that you don't have every right to be cut to the core with pain, but please please please seek counseling before taking any steps down the divorce road.
You said you've been married for 6 years. When you got married you proabaly said the whole 'For better OR worse' Well this is the 'worse' part and imagine how much stronger you will be when you come thru the other side of this. I keep hearing that people that divorce aren't any happier the second or third time around, but that those that get thru this "hell" together(with counseling to prevent any future failures) and are still together 5-10 years later are sooo much stronger and happier with eachother.
There is a book i just started reading with my husband called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harle, Jr. We both are really liking it because it really is hitting home with why we've been grown apart and been so distant with eachother. I feel like it is honestly helping us to talk and get to the core of how we've been hurting eachother without even meaning to.
If you are both willing to work at this I believe that God will bring you thru. Let him be your strength when you are week. The best thing you can do for that baby is to love his/her father with all your heart and do everything you can to rebuild your relationship. I just pray that he can see his way back to realizing how great of a wife and family he has with you. God Bless.
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M.P. answers from Bismarck on October 03, 2008
Good morning, D.! I've read through the responses because I wanted to know how other mothers felt about this compared to what I think. Quite a few suggested counseling, even so far as to specify Christian counseling, but not one mentioned FORGIVENESS. We live in a very modern society where women are strong enough to stand up and strike out alone, but do you really want that? I am a divorced parent, but my decision was made after I was absolutely sure there was no hope for my marriage. I know I made the right decision and I haven't regretted it. You have only just found out about the situation, and I know that you are feeling that the only one you want comforting you is your dear husband, minus all the insecurity and pain he has caused you.
I suggest sitting down with him, somewhere quiet, maybe go out on a date to someplace cozy so you can really talk. Explain that you want to tell him something and that he should really think about what you're going to say. Then start in on the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and how they could affect an unborn baby. I don't know your husband so I can't say whether or not he started a physical relationship with this woman, but we'll just give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. Tell him that you love him and you want to raise your baby together as a family, and that you want him to open up and tell you how the whole affair got started. It could be that after all the time alone he had with you, he suddenly was playing second fiddle to morning sickness and then changing hormones, etc., etc. Maybe he missed how it used to be and chose to open up to a friend at work and it just went from there. We don't really know how much the other person was involved, so it's not fair to judge her. Perhaps she thought she was being a shoulder to cry on. He could have gone to her with the old story, "My wife doesn't understand me, blah, blah, blah..." Women, unfortunately, fall for that all the time.
Just ask yourself, are you going to let this woman come between you and your husband and your future as a family? Is she really that unique that your family has to fall apart? She shouldn't be the one to control what happens to all of you, especially that little baby, who has no say at all right now. Your little angel needs you two together to keep him safe and show him what a strong family is. You have the answer right now, by just wanting some advice from us, total strangers, on how to handle this situation. That alone is enough for us to know that you want to stick it out. Isolation (not wanting to share what's going on because of the fear of people judging you or your husband) is just keeping you from getting peace-of-mind from your friends and family. They are there because they honestly care about your health and well-being, and because they love you, they know that you need their support, not a verbal attack on your husband. Don't worry about someone thinking bad about him or your marriage. If they do, that's their problem and you can simply thank them to keep it to themselves. You don't need that kind of negative feedback.
Have that heart-to-heart talk, forgive him for turning to another woman, and then continue on together. Some of the ladies have suggested going on dates. That sounds like a fun idea. Rediscover why you fell in love in the first place. You're a good person who didn't deserve this, especially at this special time in your life. This is just a huge bump that you've encountered in your life, and it's just one in a series of events, good and bad, that will eventually shape you to be the beautiful individual that you are. Motherhood and marriage can be difficult paths to follow and right now you really need your husband's help. Be the bigger person and forgive him so you can move on.
Good luck and God bless!
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A.F. answers from St. Cloud on October 03, 2008
D., I am grieving for you. This is a terrible thing that he has done to you. I don't blame you for losing your trust in him. The best answer is counseling. And I want to make it clear after reading one post that FORGIVENESS does NOT always mean staying with someone if they have had an affair. No one can stand in your shoes even if they have gone through something similar.
I don't care what is going through his mind or what brought this on....he has no excuse to treat you this way. You are not at fault! Don't be alone. Tell your hubby everything you are feeling. Cry all you want to him. He needs to know how his actions have affected you. Someone said it's not as bad as if he would have had sex, WHO CARES???? This is what happened to you and no one can diminish what you are feeling inside.
And you know what? If he cheats on you? Get a divorce if you have to. Alot of people have given you "good christian advice" well, you know what? I am a Christian and my Bible says that if someone commits adultery than you are not bound to stay with them. If you can work it out and want to- that's wonderful but God is not going to frown on you for staying with someone who cheats on you. He hates what is happening to you and wants the best for you.
I do hope and pray that you can work it out. Not for the sake of not getting a divorce but for your sake. I pray that your hubby wakes up and realized that you are precious, beautiful, valuble beyond anything and that he is an ass to have done that to you. Remember, forgiveness is for him AND you! Forgiveness and mercy does not mean that you have to take whatever mess he dishes out to you.
ANYWAY......I just wanted to tell you to get counseling but I got carried away!
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M.L. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Please go to marriage counseling. You need to discuss this with someone. You cannot hold itall inside. It is not good for you or your baby to old it in.
M. answers from Omaha on October 02, 2008
Wow. I am so very sorry to hear you are going through this, especially at a time that should be so happy. I do agree with you on being very careful who you talk to. Once you say it, you can't take it back. Even if you forgive him and work it out, people who love you will not forget and probably won't forgive. It is really only between the two of you. If I were you, I would have a very hard time trusting him and knowing what to believe. I would suggest both of you go to counseling together. An objective, trained professional should be able to help you get to the bottom of it. If you are worried about it, maybe a good place to start is your OBGyn. Maybe he/she could put your mind at ease about the baby AND recommend a counselor.
K.V. answers from Minneapolis on October 06, 2008
I have recently been in the same situation my husband as well has been in an inappropriate "non-physical" relationship with a colleague and has sworn all contact has ended but I too am afraid there is more to the story. For me I am trying to focus on our marriage and to do what I can to make it successful, if it is not reciprocated then that will be something different that will need to be dealt with. I understand feeling angry and embarrassed, I still struggle. I just try and look to the future of what I want from my marriage and what he wants, and if those coincide and you both are committed to making it work it then it might be worth saving. you ultimately have to do what is best for you.
D.H. answers from Lincoln on October 03, 2008
First I have to say go with your instincts on this. You know your husband better than anyone else. You need to put you and the health of your baby first. I do not know your husband but I do know that the intentions of those who interact with coworkers like that are not just to flirt. I have seen this many times before. I am sure the girl has done this before and obviously does not have respect for you and your husband is also lacking that respect. You could try counseling to find out what is really going on and why he is going outside of your marriage for attention. It would be hard to trust him and trust is not something that comes back quickly. I know first hand. You need to make some demands of your husband and make sure he is sincere. I would recommend that you take some time out for yourself, think about things and decide what you want. Just know that if you are not happy your baby will not be happy. Strength comes in strange ways.
A.P. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
First of all D. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know this may sound cliche but i really think it would be helpful to go and see a counselor. It will give you a safe environment to say what you feel which can help your stress level, and puts someone else in the position to point out the things he needs to change. If you are a christian i would very much reccomend a Christian counselor.
E.O. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Hi D.! I am so sorry to hear what you are having to deal with. And its not good for your pregnancy to have to deal with this type of stress either. You know...I went through the same thing earlier this year. I wasn't expecting...but we were going through some really stressful times and instead of my husband talking to me about our issues...he starting speaking about it to a female coworker. He said he was going out with a group of people from work at 12 pm and I ended up finding he went out alone with her for dinner and for drinks once. He told me that that the infidelity only happened once when he had to much to drink but I told him that he should have known better to put himself in that position as a responsible married man anyhow.
Getting to the point....I've always told someone to leave there husband if cheating was involved and I always thought if he ever cheated on me...I would leave him. But instead...I felt that we could work through this. He did still keep in contact with her but even though I was feeling uncomfortable...I still confronted him on it. I finally broke down one night and told him enough is enough. That if his wife and kids meant enough to him...he needed to end the relationship with her. And he did.
I come from a family of divorce which gives me strength to work as hard as I can to make my marriage work. Since this has happened...its actually changed our relationship. Even though I wish it would have never happened....we now communicate more...and we've resolved alot of things that both of us have needed to make changes on.
SO...if your marriage is strong enough...and if he loves you enough...he'll move on and make you and the baby his priority. If not....you may want to consider moving on. You don't want your child to grow up thinking its ok to do that to his/her spouse....and even though he says nothings going on...if he's doing something wrong..he may not admit it. I wish you the VERY BEST! Take care of yourself first and the baby!
H.G. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I know you've gotten a ton of really good advice, but something people seem to be missing is he needs to get a job somewhere else and remove himself from that particular temptation to prove it's over and done. I'm not sure how you feel about confronting her, but I'd call and tell her if she calls or messages your husband you'll consider it harassment and proceed as needed. Then you can work on building trust and working with a counselor. Be careful, now that he's been caught if he does go that way again he'll be more cautious and it'll be much harder to catch it again. Don't worry about what people think -- worry about how you feel and if you can really trust him. You're right to be wary of telling others because they will not forget & may not forgive even if you do and that's really tough to deal with, too! Bottom line is you need to take care of you and your baby and make him earn his way back into the family he helped create. Please contact me if you need an outlet to vent! Best wishes and luck!
L.M. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I'm sorry you're experiencing this emotional roller coaster right now. Pregnancy, and its many physical, emotional, and hormonal changes is quite the roller coaster by itself. You need to figure out a way to talk with him about your fears and questions about the flirting. You pose a reasonable question: is he just reacting to his own fears about parenthood and the changes it will bring about in your relationship? If this flirtation is not part of a bigger pattern of flirtations during the rest of your marriage, then don't tear yourself up about "being naive." It could very well be that he's acting out and reaching out in inappropriate ways... That said, I'd very strongly recommend finding a counselor/therapist to meet with several times. Someone who can help you two with communication skills. Communicating well does not get any easier when the baby comes; it gets harder to find time for each other, and for yourself. I'd recommend working on this crack in your relationship now, to build back up your foundation together. When baby comes, it's a beautiful thing, but in the best of times, it can still feel like it will knock you down. Take a deep breath, ask your Guides/Angels for support and guidance, and tell yourself and your baby that everything's going to work out. Good luck, and peace to you and your (growing) family!
N.W. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
First--I'l be praying for you. This is a tough thing to deal with.
I agree on finding a counselor or pastor to help you work on your marriage. If a good marriage is something you want you have to work on it.
I don't know if you've heard of the movie Fireproof, but it's just coming out in theaters and there's also a book that you can work through as couples. That might be an idea.
L.P. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I have been there. I know how serious this is and how devastated this makes you feel. Our story is really long and really ugly and spans many years, BUT we had victory over the cheating and lying and our marriage is so much better than it was before the cheating ever started! There IS hope for a destroyed marriage.
It would be very wise for your husband to find a new job to get away from the situation. That isn't always easy or possible, but it would help HIM a lot, and help build your trust.
He does need to be open with all areas of his life in order to gain your trust, however, it is not helpful for you to be snooping on him and checking on him. Especially if he is not ready to admit to the depth of his deception and the hurt it caused. He needs someone he is accountable to that is not you. Someone who will call and ask him how he is doing, if he has slipped and flirted and things like that.
Marriage councelling would help a lot, too.
You need to keep in mind that you are pregnant and cannot react rashly right now because pregnancy can blow things out of proportion. Plus, your child needs a father who is involved. And it IS worth going through this for your children.
It is a good idea not to tell many people about it, it was one of the best decisions I made. However, you do need someone to talk to. Someone who will encourage you to stay and not bash your husband, someone who is supportive of your marriage.
I'm always available.
L.W. answers from La Crosse on October 03, 2008
I really love some of the responses you are receiving. It is quite common that men will look for outside attention when their wife is pregnant. They are scared. Unfortunately, being men, they turn in directions they shouldn't. You need to fight for yourself and your child. Get help, because it isn't an easy road back to trust. I think you also need to find someone in whom you can confide - maybe even someone through this network - that way you can blow off steam but since you don't know each other face to face - it would be easier. No matter what, you are not alone - because there are other women out there who know exactly what you are going through.
Lisa (mom of 4 boys)
L.D. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I would seek marriage counseling. If you belong to a church they should be able to help you, or your doctor maybe able to recommend someone.
M.J. answers from Omaha on October 03, 2008
You need help to handle this one. Call your clergy or the local agency that can refer you to couseling. Take your husband with you. I know this is devestating. I was there when pregnat with my third baby. Your feelings need a sounding board of a counselor. You and your husband need to have the guidance of a neutral third party. Please call and find some help. Good luck and I will hope to hear that you found the help you need. Liz
K.K. answers from Appleton on October 03, 2008
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this while 5 months pregnant especially. My first thought though is that you need to come to the conclusion if the VOWS you made to your husband are actually something you want to live out (FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE, TILL DEATH DO YOU PART) I read comments of others and they all say "IF you choose to stick it out" well to me marriage is way more than and IF and you need to determine if it means more to you than just an IF as well. When you decide that it does then I would suggest to see a counselor, and if you don't like the first one you see and it isn't a good match, try a different one. I've seen many different counselors and this is because they didn't always make a good match for me. You AND your husband should go see someone though to get these issues figured out. Your marriage is not ruined because of this and getting thru this valley, as hard as it might be, will make your marriage that much stronger in the future if you let it. Your husband is going to have to "earn" back your trust and do everything possible to do so, he needs to understand that it will not happen in HIS timing that it is a matter of YOUR timing that you can feel you are able to trust him again. Communication will be key. If it means that he gives you all passwords to his e-mail and you have the right to check it when you want with out notice, so be it. You two need to come up with some guidelines to make YOU feel more trusting and to make it easier for you to try and trust him again. Baby steps though. If he is willing though you need to take control of this RIGHT NOW, don't wait another day, seek out someone to speak to that doesn't have any ties to either one of you and "nip it in the butt" now. Good luck~ I'll pray for you and your husband....
L.G. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Wow, I feel for you. I would very highly recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. It basically breaks down the anatomy of an affair: why they happen, how you can prevent one from happening, what to do if it does happen, etc. It's a GREAT book! I read it before I got married. Any advice I would give you is in the book anyway.
Hey, by the way, I think you have the right attitude. You said "...I don't want people thinking bad of him or me or our marriage if we decide to stick it out." I'm glad you're thinking of sticking it out. I'm also glad that you respect your husband enough to want to keep your speech positive so that people don't think badly of him. You're on the right track, D.. That reminds me of another great book (5 stars for sure) entitled Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I would recommend that as book #2 to read right after you find His Needs, Her Needs.
S.R. answers from Appleton on October 03, 2008
I agree with all who wrote so far. I really can't ad more to their replies. I am sorry you are going through this and will be thinking of you. Not only do you need to think of yourself, but for your unborn baby too. I hope things turn around for you. I'll say a prayer for ya.
J.M. answers from St. Cloud on October 02, 2008
I agree with the first posting you received. Get some outside help. You can forgive him, but this will never be forgotten. So sorry this had to happen to you now, this should be a happy time for you and your husband. Good Luck!
T.B. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Men cheat for two main reasons - boredom (a new relationship is an adventure) and ego (someone pays attention to them and they like how it feels). It sounds to me like he hasn't takent this further, but I can see how you are worried. The best thing to do is confront him, which you have done. Mainly let him know how you feel, especially in the condition you are in (you feel unattractive, insecure, scared to be a single parent, etc.). As hard as it might be, give him the attention he needs (we all need). Jealousy can be a healthy thing in a relationship (only we'd rather our hubby's be jealous of us, not the other way around).
A.E. answers from Madison on October 03, 2008
I am so sorry for the heartache you must be feeling now. Get an appointment to talk to a professional. If you choose to move forward with your relationship things need to be worked out for both of you. You and also your spouse need an outlet to let out your emotions in a healthy consructive way. Nothing bad can come from talking and trying to build up your relationship together. It is better to work on it now because it is only going to get more stressful when you are sleep deprived and trying to adjust to your new roles as parents. I hope you can find the support and love you need at this time.
K.V. answers from Madison on October 03, 2008
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is the most awful feeling. I know, I have been there. But believe me, it is worse when there is a physical affair, even though it "meant nothing, just sex". The hardest thing to regain is trust. My husband (now almost 21 years together) made it through with a good marriage counselor and renewing of our faith. It takes a while, but if you love someone enough to pledge yourselves to each other for life, it is worth the effort to stay together. Anyone can throw in the towel and place blame. A strong couple works out their differences, learns from them and becomes a better couple. I know it is a hard and painful time in your life and I really do wish you well. If you are in the Madison area, Living Well Counselors was a life saver for us.
L.M. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I agree and disagree with all of the responses you have received so far and here is why. I have been married for 6 years as well, we have three children, he is my best friend, and we are more in love now than when we got married. And that is because nothing was ever swept under the carpet. If I even suspected there was something wrong, I talked to him about it, cried about it, and if nesessary even threw a major fight out there that I would not back down until I knew things were okay. He is the same way. There have been a couple of times over the years (8 together) that trust has needed to be tested to make us stronger. When we first were engaged, there was a girl we played softball with who I knew for a fact wanted my husband. I talked to him about it and he was completely oblivious to the signals. I was adamant that he understood how uncomfortable I was with her around him, and he thought I was crazy at first, but realized that I needed for him to keep her at a distance and he did. Soon after, she left our team and noone really knows where she is now. Then, a few years later, when our youngest was born, I went on a girl's weekend to CA to play in a beach volleyball tournament. When we got there the tourney was canceled. So we decided to join some pick up games on the beach, became friends with a group of guys we were playing with and even went out dancing one night with them. One of the guys hugged me goodbye and kissed me on the cheek that night. I told my husband the whole story when we got home, and he was furious! He felt like I was supposed to go hang with my friends for the weekend not meet guys with them. And he is absolutely right! I haev not gone back there even thought they make it a yearly trip just because I know how he would feel. A month ago now, we had friends over for a bon fire/ drinking night here. One of my girl friends gets pretty crazy when she is drinking, and I walked in on her licking frosting off my husband's chest in our kitchen and him inviting it to happen. Of course there was a huge screaming match between him and I that night especially since we had been drinking, but truth be told, I am so over it because he was just being dumb, I know he's not remotely attracted to her, and I know how he feels about me. All I am trying to say is that in all marriages there is a lot of work involved. A lot of forgiveness involved, and a lot of talking AND fighting involved. If I were you I would scream at him, go down there and surpise him with a visit, say hello to his little friend and subtley let her know who his wife is, Let him know what a jerk he has been, and ask him whether you are worth him changing his behavior, his job, and his phone and email accounts. And, I would want my husband to call her right in front of me and tell her he is not interested in her and that he only loves you!!! How else will you ever trust him? He needs to prove to you that you are more important. I don't really think it matters if you are pregnant or not that behavior is never ok. Yes we all flirt. And yes we all like to feel attractive. And it is ok to flirt with people, but there is no excuse for having an affair like that. If I ever heard my husband call another women beautiful and that he is happy when he gets to see or talk to her, I'd flip out. I would not leave, but I would fix the situation. I'd cry, I'd tell him how he made me feel, I would expect him to call her while I was there and tell her to get lost, and then I would expect him to prove to me that I was the one he should be saying those thing to.
P.K. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
I was in your shoes with my first marriage. I am divorced now but I don't think that is the answer in every situation. Do you go to a church or would he be willing to go to counseling? I suggest talking with a pastor and/or a counselor. He has to stop the relationship and prove to you he loves you and only you. You both need to remember why you got married and why you love eachother in the first place. I wish you all the best.
G.N. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
You need to talk with someone about this situation. I don't think it is an option to hold all of this inside. I don't know if your husband is truly understanding how this is making you feel. This should be a truly joyful time in our life.
I understand the need of not wanting to share with family or friends, do you have a pastor you can trust? What about a friend that does not know your husband and probably won't interact with him anyway. I know when I am having troubles I often confide with a friend who is a co-worker that doesn't really have an opportunity to socialize with me outside of work due to family committments.
Please don't keep this inside. Talk it out with someone and come up with a strategy on how you want to handle it with your husband.
D.G. answers from Omaha on October 03, 2008
I JUST WANT U TO TRY AND FOCUS ON UR PREGNANCY ITS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING NOW ITS HARD I KNOW I HAVE BEEN THERE MY HUSBAND HAS CHEATED ON ME SEVERAL OF TIMES, I FELT SO STUPID AND HURT ALL AT THE SAME TIME, I STARTED PRAYING ASKING GOD TO CHANGE MY HUSBAND TO ONLY HAVE A DESIRE TO BE WITH ME AND NO OTHER FEMALE, MY HUSBAND DIDNT COME HOME SOME NIGHTS UNTIL 5AM THE NEXT MORNING AND ALL I DID WAS CRY, I TALKED TO MY AUNT ABOUT IT AND SHE BEGAN PRAYING FOR US AS WELL, PRAYER WORKS IM STARTING TO HAVE SOME TRUST IN HIM AND HE KNOWS THAT THE TRUST JUST DONT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT OR EVEN WITHIN MONTHS, SO HE HAS BEEN COMING HOME EVEERY NIGHT BEFORE TEN AND HE CALLS ME ALL THE TIME TO LET ME KNOW WHERE HE IS I TAKE THAT AS A STEP TOWARD THE POSITIVE , IF U LOVE HIM STAY WITH HIM, DONT LEAVE HIM PRAY ABOUT IT AS WELL AS ASK GOD TO BLESS UR PREGNANCY TO BE HEALTH WITH NO STRESS HE WILL DO IT IF U NEED TO TALK ANY FURTHER U CAN E-MAIL MYSELF AT ____@____.com anytime and i would be glad to talk to u.
K.G. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Hi D.. I too use to always say "leave him," if I heard a spouse had cheated. Then it happened to me when I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old. It was devastating. We were members of a great church(but weren't living how we should). I called the counseling services through the church, and we got free counseling through them. They actually had a therapist on staff, and the nice thing is it's all bible based. She told me that biblically I could leave him, and not be sinning, but that doesn't mean that's what your suppose to do. With a lot of prayer I decided to stay with him. She had me write a "Redemtion" contract that he needed to complete. Things he needed to do so I could begin to trust again...ie--std testing, call or write her and end the relationship, etc. Just fyi....my husband lied about sleeping with her right up to the end...I called her and of course she told me the truth because she wanted him to leave me. When my husband finally came around and realized what he was going to lose, he was very remorseful. As much as I hated that time of my life, I don't think we could have the marriage we have now if we hadn't hit rock bottom. We both rededicated our lives to Christ and have had a very happy marriage. It's been about 4 1/2 years since then--God can do ANYTHING! You kind of realize how hard marriage is, and if you can get through that--you can get through anything! My prayers are with you. Let me know if you want the name of our church.
C.G. answers from Madison on October 03, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't have any great advice or ideas for you. I would recommend talking to a professional - either a marriage counselor, therapist or clergyman. They have all heard it all before and won't be shocked by your story as awful as it is. You're doing exactly as I would do -- not mentioning it to family or girlfriends - at least for now. You don't want their opinions hanging over your heads for the next 50 years of your marriage. I will pray for you, your marriage and your baby. Hope that helps.
L.S. answers from Appleton on October 05, 2008
Much as I would like to be more positive- any man who cheats on his wife [even if it doesn't entail actual 'relations']when she is either sick or pregnant is dead wrong to do so!
While you were busy feeling lousy in your first trimester,he had no right to be 'distant.' The least any decent man can do is to empathize with his wife when she is either sick and /or pregnant!
You say that you have been married for 6 years. Has this ever happened to your knowledge before? I would strongly suggest counseling. Start it now before the baby is born. He may protest, but once that baby is born- there will will be too many excuses for both of you to use as to why you can't do it.
And yes- you are right to worry about the baby in terms of your negative emotions.
I wish you the best of luck!
B.P. answers from Minneapolis on October 03, 2008
Okay....not to generalize...BUT....if he has done this to you all ready, it will only be a matter of time before he does worse. And you are just taking his word that it wasn't more than flirting???? Come on, what did you think he would say...."Yes honey, I cheated while you're pregnant with my baby...but we can make it!"
If he is this afraid before the baby, he'll be scared to death after, because it really doesn't get easier. There is the financial, emotion, physical support you and the baby will need, and he is all ready running to someone else? Figure it out...you can do it alone. Invest in your family and friends for support and help. He'll be fine without you too, he obviously isn't mature enough for you!
It seems scary, but better scared now than miserable in 2,5,20 years and have to put an innocent child through the fighting and bitterness of a crappy relationship. Move on!
Good Luck to you, and you have to think about the baby, not the dad, the baby has NO choice in this, you do.
K.F. answers from Appleton on October 03, 2008
I agree with most of the posts already written. I think it is very important for you two to have a very honest discussion. A counselor or pastor present would be nice too. Make sure he is totally honest about everything so that nothing comes back up in the future. You both need to get this unfortunate situation handled BEFORE the baby comes. For the sake of your health, your marriage, and for the baby. It will not be a pleasant environment for the baby to enter the world into if things don't get resolved. I pray that you both can work through this and that you are able to fully forgive him. I pray for your peace and health. Take care and if you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me an ____@____.com
L. answers from Omaha on October 03, 2008
Until you have solid proof of anything more than your husband has told you, give him the benefit of the doubt, but try keeping in more contact with him and if you start feeling funny about something, don't let your mind run away with it, ASK him about it. Plan some date nights, do some things that maybe you did early in your relationship and rekindle some of what attacted you in the first place. Have you been spending less time together over these recent months or year? By him working with this woman, who knows how many hours they spend together and it's easier to form relationships with people you're spending a lot of time with. As far as not talking to someone about it, what's more important, your pride or your marriage? You don't have to talk to your parents or even your best friends, but if its eating you up inside, maybe you could talk to a counselor or someone else neutral. If you are a church goer, maybe there's someone there. Trust me, it's worth it and you're not alone!