43 answers

Pregnant with Cheating Husband

I am 5 months pregnant and just found out my husband has been having a relationship with a coworker. He swares it is just flirting and has not gone past that point-nothing physical. But I have caught him in lies and read his text messages and e-mails. They are hurtful-like him calling her beautiful and saying any day talking with her is a good day. This is our first child and I'm devastated. He told her the flirting needed to stop that it was inappropriate and he needed to concentrate on his marriage. He never thought it would go farther than flirting anyway so he said it wasn't a big deal to stop it, that he felt guilty about it anyway. I don't know what to believe though-I am being naive. How can I trust him from now on. We've been married 6 years and I don't know if the thought of having a baby scared him. I was pretty sick my first trimester and he was very distant during that time. Since then he has been loving but still had this relationship. He was the one that really wanted kids so I didn't force him into it. I'm so confused and alone. I can't talk to anyone b/c I don't want people thinking bad of him or me or our marriage if we decide to stick it out. I just need some advice. I'm a mess and worried about the stress my baby must be feeling.

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I want to thank everyone who responded from the bottom of my heart. Your thoughts, and advice, and comfort really helped me get through the hardest part of this and I don't know if I could have handled this without those messages. A lot of you have gone through similar experiences and my heart goes out to you as well for you having to deal with that at one point in your life. But knowing that I'm not alone and that you got through it has kept me from sinking too far into my own devastation. This is the first time my husband has ever done anything like this. He has always been such a loving and caring person to me. He chased me for about 4 years before we even started dating and once we did I knew this would be a life long relationship. What he did shattered my view of us and our marriage. But through this experience we have talked a lot and let a lot of our frustrations out. And while I take no blame for what he did and I have made it very clear to him how wrong and unexcusable his actions were, I realized some things from him being totally honest-I had gotten complacent in our marriage, I had stopped giving him what I used to emotionally and I missed the signs when he had tried to talk to me about those things that bothered him. Something I didn't mention is that my husband travels a lot for work. So my frustrations were exposed as well-how can you have a strong marriage when your husband is away that much and you are left here to deal with not only missing him but doing everything at the house alone. So anyway, we are going to take this as an opportunity to work on some things that hopefully can and should be fixed in our relationship and even though I still have a broken heart it has been exciting already to see the small changes we've already made in just a few days. My two remaining issues (and I know it will take a long time to get over them and I've told him that) are I am still so sad about what happened. I wake up in the night and can't get those e-mails and the words they exchanged out of my head and the thought that even though he said that was the extent of it that maybe there was more to it. And also I still have doubts and times when I do believe him but a part of me says why, he has lied to you before. He has given me total access to his e-mail and phone anytime I need to check but I think, now that he knows that I am checking he won't leave information on there for me to find. So now it will hard to ever really know 100% if it is over even though I was there by his side when he called and told her that their exchanges have been wrong and inappropriate and they need to stop so he can concentrate on his marriage. But I guess that is normal and I have to accept that that will take a lot of time to get over (if I ever truely can). He has also agree to go to counseling if in a few weeks we still feel like we need it. I think it could definitely help-but since he still has to travel alittle more before his busy season is over, I want to take advantage of our limited time together to be intimate and look to the future - I hope that is the right decision. It is still difficult to think clearly right now. Anyway, that is my update but mostly I just wanted to thank you all so much again-I've taken a lot of the advice I've gotten (and even re-read these messsages for support and comfort) and I just want you to know that has helped me more than you will probably ever know-you are such wonderful people for taking the time to share your thoughts with a total stranger - that is true human kindness and that alone has made me a stronger person.

More Answers

D., I am so sorry you are going thru this during an already emotional time. I too went thru a similar situation and even moved out of our home and in with my parents after finding a letter my husband had written to his "friend". I tried for a few months to patch things up and go to counseling with him, but he couldn't/wouldn't let go of his "friend". I let go, decided to do it on my own and then surprising he was back and wanted to fix things. Our daughter is now 2.5 and are very happily married although I still do not trust him 100%. Many aspects of our relationship are stronger and better than before. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts.
I definately reccommend talking to a counselor and a close friend or family. Its hard to pretend nothing is wrong when something definately is. Your friends and family will take your side and support thru this and when you get it all worked out they too will repair their relationship with him. My husband actually apoligized to my family and friends before he came to me.

1 mom found this helpful

Marriage counseling is the obvious answer here. It is something lots of people do and none of their therapists are allowed to tell anyone you are seeing them.

But first--pick your closest girlfriend and confide in her. You cannot navigate through this type of thing all by yourself. You may be surprised at the stories she has to tell you about her own marriage.

Your husband is being very disrespectful and unloving towards you and the baby and I suggest you tell him your feelings about this.

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D., I'm so sorry. I think it is REALLY common for men to have an "emotional" affair with someone at work. He should have been there for you, especially when you were sick, but he chose to talk to someone at work. And maybe that is as far as it's gone. But maybe not. That would break my heart too. At least he admits it to you, and I hope he says he is willing to break this tie with "her." If he is willing, I think you should try and make it work. I think a lot of men have a hard time with their wife being pregnant - NOT THAT I THINK IT'S OK TO HAVE AN AFFAIR! I'm just trying to understand a man's point of view. I have had an emotional affair at work, so I understand how it happens. You just have to keep your emotional connection with your husband. You need to talk, talk, talk. Tell him how alone you feel, tell him you need him, you're scared, etc. You need him more now than ever. He must not understand that. Good luck to you guys, D..

1 mom found this helpful

First, I am so sorry you are having to go through this when it should be your special time of fun and excitement. That being said, first things first, go to your doctor and have yourself checked for all STDs. I am sure he is telling you the truth, but better safe than sorry (especially when you are pregnant). Then, you need to become a mama bear and protect your baby and your marriage. Call this "woman" and tell her to stay the heck away from your husband. He is YOUR husband and the father of your child! Make it clear to her that you plan to fight for your marriage and will take legal action if she continues. Next I would tell your husband that it is time to grow up and start treating his pregnant wife with the respect she deserves. For goodness sake, you are carrying his first child and he needs to start treating you like the special person you are. Teach him how to treat you and let him know what is acceptable. I know you are worried about the baby, but the baby is fine as long as you are eating healthy, taking your vitamins and not putting bad things in your body. You will be able to trust him again, you just need to put your foot down and take charge of the situation. Congratulations on your upcoming baby.

1 mom found this helpful

Definitely give him the benefit of the doubt in terms of a physical relationship but keep your radar turned on. Then find a relationship coach (often a less intimidating scenario than a marriage counsler even though most usually do both). Men often have a hard time adjusting to pregnancy because so much attention switches to the woman and the man ends up feeling confused and lonely. A relationship coach can help you both understand your separate emotions and teach you safe ways to talk to each other about those feelings.

1 mom found this helpful

D., I am so sorry that you are going thru this right now. Being Pregnant is hard on a woman in so many ways. Your emotions are running fast and everything seems to bother or upset you. BUT....This is not an excuse for how your husband is behaving. He needs to see that you are carrying HIS child and what that means. If he has lied to you in the past, chances are he is not telling you the complete truth now. If he will go to marriage counsling - Great get in there right away before the baby is born and has a chance to bond with his or her Father. If he won't go to counsling, well then you have your answer don't you. If he does go to counsling but, he does not commit himself, counsling won't work anyway and you will still be in the same position you are in right now. When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was not in a committed relationship with her father (we were dating) and he told me he was in love with another woman whom he had been seing behind my back. I made the right choice to move on with my life and make a life for my child and myself, instead of trying to fight for something that wasn't mine to begin with. Sometimes you just have to recite the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You will never change your husband or make him act differently UNLESS he wants to. I believe for the sake of your heart and mind and more importantly for the well being of the child you are carrying, if he isn't willing to step up and make the necessary changes he needs to make in his life, for his wife and unborn child. Then you need to cut him loose and move on and make a life for you and your child. when you become a Mother, everything changes and you don't want to hurt this baby in the future, by being with someone who lies to you and you can't trust. This is not a good way to start out this baby's world.

I belive with all my heart that you can be strong and make the right choice. I know its hard and your heart is breaking, but remember you are a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved. I would also confront this other woman at the work place. Make her feel uncomfortable, let her know she is comtributing to the destruction of a marriage. I bet their co-workers do not know what is going on, and if they did would not approve. Also, who cares about his feelings...HE does not and has NOT cared about YOUR feelings has he! Call him out on these text messages and "flirting" Its total BS! Being scared about having a child and becoming a first time father is no excuse for his actions. Your husband needs to step up and be a REAL HUSBAND and future father or step aside.

I hope this helps you...I know from personal experience that this will be hard, BUT I also know the life inside of you is depending on you. Good Luck!~

1 mom found this helpful

Hello D.,

My friend went through the same thing when she was pregnant with their 3rd child. Her husband denied that he was cheating until he was caught red-handed at the mistress' house.... She was actually his secretary. When he finally did cut it off with her it was trouble. She did NOT want to let go. So, he sold his business to get away from her because she refused to quit and he didn't want any lawsuit about firing her... Now, 3 years later, they are back together and remarried.

So here is my advice.

1st: He needs to break it off with the other woman. Maybe you both need to confront her together so she understands that you two are united.

2nd: He needs to quit his job ASAP. He needs to relocate to another job where she will not be there. She may NOT want to let him go and that WILL cause problems.

3rd: Go to a Christian pastor and seek Christian counseling. (From a friends perspective, they went to both Christian and non-Christian counseling and she said that the non-Christain counseling almost destroyed what was left of their marriage.....)

4th: PRAY. This is going to be a difficult situation for a while. It will take time to be able to trust him again. (I had a boyfriend who cheated on me at one time. He said it was nothing physical but what he did was STILL cheating. As is what your husband is doing...)

5th: You guys should go to some marriage classes. I know they have retreats for rebuilding marriages that I've heard wonderful results about. They are usually for a weekend or so. Google it.

6th: Start dating each other again. It will help you remember why you fell in love at the begining. My husband and I just started doing this again (2 children later) and it makes us feel like we're important to each other.

Good Luck and congrats on your baby. Children are a wonderful blessing and pregnancy is NO reason for husbands to do things like this. Pregnancy is tough on women too and you both need to be there for each other. Try to do special things for him now that you are feeling a bit better. You need to remind him why he loves you. Life gets too busy and we tend to forget that we are supposed to serve and build each other up....

1 mom found this helpful

Hey, D.! What a tough situation for you to be in. You're getting some great advice, but since no one else has brought this up, I'm going to reply and point it out. It sounds like the emotional affair (call it what it is, even if it was just "flirting"), isn't the only problem you have with your husband. Have you caught him in lies before this time and have you had problems trusting him in the past? It sounds like the answer might be yes. The problem with this is that there is a pattern to the interactions you have with each and that pattern includes a lack of consideration for your feelings and a lack of honesty. My sister went through a very similar situation (husband's flirting lasted for four years) and they tried to work on it. Went to counseling, things got better, and then her husband reverted back to his old ways of treating her and their family. She's not happy in her marriage and he's not changing. My point is...leopards don't change their spots. If the affair is the only problem, then by all means, see a marriage counselor who can help your husband work through his fear and help the two of you work at building trust again. But if the affair is just one more thing on the list, maybe it's the "straw that broke the camel's back". You have more than yourself to think about now and you need to make sure you're in a healthy relationship so that your child will grow up knowing that his or her mom is worthy of respect and consideration. It's easier to be a good mother when you're happy with your life and relationships. So put your needs and the needs of your child first and take a hard look at your marriage and your husband to determine whether they are capable of being healthy for you. And good luck!

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