Am I Wrong to Feel This Way? Am I Making the Wrong Decision? Edit 1 - Colorado Springs,CO

J., your about me section says you have 2 children...maybe one on the way still or born already.... but you also say you are married to a wonderful husband with THREE explanation points.

At some point you felt he was a good husband. Feelings are fickle. This morning I can feel like busting my husband in the face for some thing he said. I won't because we can't always act on our feelings! But tonight I might be busting with pride over something he's done or said. You can't go through life being yanked around by feelings. Love is action and action is a choice.

I'm sorry he didn't understand until now. But now he does. I think you owe it to your children and you and your husband to at least try.

Sure it's been easier at your moms. It's like taking a vacation. But real life is hard. Marriage is hard. But in the end it's worth it.

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That is exactly why he wants to try now. He has realized that you have your own opinions and are a free person to walk away and leave him and that realization has made him temporarily care. It sounds as if your decision has been made and GOOD FOR YOU FOR IT!!!!! His willingness to make it work can instead be turned into the effort to keep a civil relationship as a divorced couple. You are not selfish you are human and you need to look out for you! He is trying to excert control and you need to see the red flag and listen to your gut.

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I am going to swim against the stream here. Unless your husband has been abusive to you or cheated , I think you owe it to your kids to make an effort.
I am not saying that you have to put everything on hold and move back in with him. But you should attend counseling and make a serious effort to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Even if you heart may not be in it, I think your goal should be to achieve that happiness that you are talking about within your marriage and not put your children through a divorce.

I am sorry to say (and I am not even religious) but REALLY marriage is not about love or happiness. It's a commitment that you made to your husband and your children to work through the though and the good times to provide a stable environment for yourself and them. It's not a soap opera. How YOU feel should take a backseat to the needs of your kids. It's not totally unimportant, but definitely weigh less than the interests of your children.

If nothing more, counseling might help you to make a more civilized cut, if you really cannot go back.
Good luck!

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It's a control thing with him. He's been rejected, so he has to get you back even though he knows it's not going to work out between you two in the long run. This can turn into a game where he plays you by going to counseling, trying to make things works, then bam...he reverts back to the same old behavior and you are back to where you are now. He's realizing that you are your own person and YOU CAN CHOOSE to leave him. It's called freedom. YOU CAN CHOOSE also to not go to counseling. If you are definitely "done" with him, then move on. There's no need to beat a dead horse. By you standing firm your ground as you are now, be forewarned that it may get ugly, you may have to get a restraining order to show him you are serious. My advice is don't look back...move on if you are 100% certain that this is what you want to do.

Best wishes,

M

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Hey Jen
I probley told you this ready. But this is what a friend of mine did. She too was in the same place you were and are in almost a year ago. Her and her hubby were at each other throats every minute of the day. If they weren't talking to each other they were texting each of awlful things. Seriously she was a basket case and not so fun a hang around with, or talk to. She and her son moved out and she got thier own apt. So see could find her self again. She had alot to work out and so did he. He too got the 2 wk itch and all in all was wanting her back and saying I will change. Well she stayed strong and said, "NO not Now." They went threw counciling but as indivials and then as a couple. It was a hard year to get threw, alot of soul searching and personal changes that BOTH had to do and they are back together and going strong. They are still in councling together. Just because they are back and going strong the councling is helping them keepn it real.

I am not saying this will work for everyone but I would give it a chance to make and see how it goes!! Even if you feel all of your love is gone for him. In time of soul searching and trying you may find that spark once again!!!

Just so that you know she DID see a lawyer at the beginning of thier sepreration and started the process of divorce. And still is on hold just incase things go back to the same ways. And he is fully aware of this.

Take Care Cuz I Care.
C. C

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In my opinion if you can end the realtionship and not have any regrets that you tried everything you could, then end it, but if there is a part of you that might regret it then atleast try so you can say "yes I gave it everything I could".

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Ok--two scenarios. He either:

1. Sincerely knows what he's missing and does want to work it out and change
or
2. Is exhibiting a child-like response to something being taken away from him.
I think it's a good thing that you are both going to counseling together. I would give it (and him) a chance. I would stay at your mom's for several more months just so he knows what's NOT there any longer. Let him have visitation during the counseling. Basically, maintain the separation, until you can see his true colors. Let him show you how he is changing. I hope for your sake and the sake of your kid(s) he has changed. Good luck!

ADDED AFTER EDIT#!: OK, if you're looking for people to say go ahead and file for divorce, then I have to ask "Why?" Why do you need anyone's approval but your own. Basically there are two options: try to work it out or get a divorce. Sounds like you're not willing to work it out. There's your answer.

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What do you do? You meet with an attorney and file the paperwork to begin divorce proceedings. If your mind is made up and you don't want to try to save the marriage then start the divorce. Colorado is a no fault divorce state so he can't force you to stay married.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.

Just read your “A little about me”
Mommy of a 22 month old girl and pregnant with second. Been married for almost 6 years to my wonderful husband!!

Not sure when you wrote this or what happened to “wonderful husband”---Do know being unhappy for four years is not healthy for you, your children or your husband. Sounds like your husband has killed your love and that is very sad.

I would suggest getting some counseling together and separately. Even if you cannot reconcile the two of you can get things out that need to be said to find closure and agree on how your children will be raised.

If you can recall what made you love this man in the first place, perhaps there could be a glimmer of hope for your marriage and family.

Blessings….

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You have to follow your heart and your feelings and trust that you make the right decision. You are the only one who can make such a decision. I do agree with you on children growing up in an unhappy family. My parents fought constantly and it was miserable growing up. Neither of my parents was ever happy. I know I would never put my daughter through that.

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Good for you for giving counseling a shot!

I wasn't going to respond to this until I saw the words "If you hate your children........get a divorce". Don't let anyone manipulate or shame you into staying in a marriage. No one on here can really know what you are going through......we only see a tiny glimpse into your life, so please take all advice with a grain of salt.

I believe you when you say that you have been working at your marriage. So many people think that if a marriage is unhappy, then the woman didn't hold up her end of the bargain, but I think that's a sad, sad assumption. Hopefully counseling will open a good communication line between you two and you can both bring 100% to your relationship.

Good luck!

ps. EXCELLENT advice from Cindy C! It's worth reading a second time!

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Although it sounds like you don't want to give him a chance I do hope you consider counseling & lots of positive communication. Tell him if he's serious about wanting to work things out that he needs to go to counseling once a week for at least a year and do marital workbooks. Per your previous post that the counselor you saw told you to get out of your marriage cause he isn't going to change, well that is not professional at all, so find a new counselor, one that is there to help you work on your marriage & give you the proper direction as to how to have a happy healthy marriage.

Do you guys know a wife & husband that you admire & have had a healthy marriage, preferably an older couple that has been thru it all & survived. They can be from church, family friend, etc. Don't be afraid to go to them & tell them what's been going on in your marriage that has turned for the worse. People want to help young couples get back on track.

I know you think you have "done it all", but lets be real you haven't. Both of you have to take responsibility on how you let the marriage fail. From your previous posts about your marriage this stuff you complain about is fixable. You guys just don't know how to "fix" your problems. And yes the both of you are in a rut.

I know that it sucks that now he is willing to change & go to counseling, but guys don't process problems the way we woman do. And yes it's a shame that things had to get so bad that you moved out & are happier & don't want to go back.

Woman can fall out of love after years of telling the guy how unhappy we are. And guys just don't get it till some drastic happens, like what you did. So I hope you reconsider the both of you getting help. Stay at your moms but have date nights with him & give him the opportunity to get his act together & sweep you off your feet, tell him he has one more shot & if he blows it then it's over.

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If it were me, I'd wait it out and try counseling with the understanding that right now you don't think there's much chance he'll win you back. Tell him exactly how you're feeling. It shouldn't take the threat of divorce for a partner to finally agree to get help or change. The mention of unhappiness should be enough. The fact that he waited SO long to care about your happiness has made you feel totally unwanted and uncared for. You'll go to counseling for ______ (6months?) and if you don't feel you're making progress, then you'll get a divorce.
But give it a chance. If you look at it from his side, you may have said you were unhappy, but it took 4 years to get serious about it. He didn't realize you were serious because you weren't acting like it. You might have complained, but you didn't do anything. Now that you've actually drawn the line, he realizes that he's got to shape up. Give him the chance to get serious now that you have.

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J., I got divorced almost 6 years ago when my son was nearly 4. It is heart-wrenching to even have to consider doing and people who have never been in that position often find it easy to give advice that you should just stay or put up with things or whatever.

But if you've gone to counseling and given your husband numerous chances to change his ways and step up to be a good husband and father and he has NOT- well, he isn't going to change, in my experience.

Nothing is sadder that children trapped in a loveless marriage. It is NOT 'better for the children' to live in a house where the parents are so unhappy with each other or one is lying and sneaking around.

Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever did. At first my family was shocked but eventually, as my ex did NOTHING to take care of matters or try to fix things, they also realized I was doing what was best for myself and my son and supported me 100%. Even my former MIL and SIL seemed to realize this and I made sure they still got plenty of time to see my son whenever they wanted and now we have a better relationship than we ever did when I was married.

It was tough at first to go back to work full time, live in a small apartment, etc. But I did it, and kept my son safe and happy. My ex remarried almost a year after we split up and we have a polite relationship and make that work for the sake of our son.

Just this year I got married again to a wonderful man who had no kids of his own, but is a terrific, involved stepfather and a loving and RESPONSIBLE hard-working husband. I have the partner I deserve to have and my son has the stable life and the role model he deserves.

Things will work out the way they are supposed to. We are not here to suffer or see our children suffer if we can find a way to prevent it. No one is perfect- you went into your marriage with the best of good intentions and love and maybe your husband did as well- but if it is TRULY BROKEN, and he does not want to fix things- it will never be 'fixed'.

Do what your heart tells you is best and ignore the holier-than-thou nay-sayers. I know that I did not 'fail' my marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work and one cannot and should not have to carry all the burdens. You will always find people like some of the moms here who want to bring others down to make themselves look better.

Be the best mother you can be and the best person you can be and it will all work out for the best. Wishing you peace of mind and support- good luck!!

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I am going through a divorce now. All I can say is that you should be completely honest with yourself and him as to where you are at and what you are feeling. I made the mistake of trying to "ease" my husband into the idea of accepting divorce and it ended up being much harder on him. Even though I thought I had given him enough information to understand I didn't think we would make it, he interpreted my willingness to talk and go to counseling as there being a good chance to work things out. I pretty much knew I couldn't go back and wish I had been more blunt. It may have initially sounded more harsh, but looking back I was just giving him false hope.

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J., you sound strong in your post until you get to the part about falling back in love with him. Then you sound weak. I think that's a good subject for you to talk about with your counselor, alone.

I hope you have set up with your divorce lawyer what you need to have in place in case you decide to go ahead with the divorce. You need to make sure you have all your papers together. Open a bank account and put money in it, and take your name off his credit cards and get your own. If he feels there is no more chance of a reconciliation, he might turn ugly. (Then you'll know you made the right decision.)

Good luck,
D.

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I don't know about your religious beliefs but many people are opposed to divorce-as I am (my brother and sister have both been divorced so I know it can happen to anyone.) So, I feel if he wants to try and work it out, you should be willing to try too. Love is a decision. You may realize that he really wants your marriage to work, you made the commitment to each other and should do whatever it takes to honor that. No it won't be easy-most things worth doing right aren't. If you do this and it does work out between you, can you imagine how much better your relationship will be? and how much you will grow-I think it could really be amazing!
I pray God will bless whatever your decision is.

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It seems like you are trying to get approval from other people about a decision you have already made which is already affecting your relationship with him and the environment your children are living in rather than actually asking for advice. You don't need our approval and frankly you are doing yourself and your family a disservice pretending to try at this point. Sorry - just seems you gave up and nothing is going to change your mind.

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I say if you can honestly look at your relationship and KNOW you can walk away without being sad, having feelings of doubt or love for you husband or second guessing your decision, then a divorce is the RIGHT thing to do. If you have anything 'lingering', then it may be worth counseling and/or another shot. But it sounds to me like your mind is made up. Do not worry about what others think/say. I agree always it's better to be apart and happy then together and unhappy ESPECIALLY when kids are involved! Do you want your kids growing up thinking what you have/had is the kind of marriage you want them to have? I wish you all the best and happiness in your decision(s) in the future.

You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage, especially not for the children. Children know a lot more than we give them credit for and they definately know when Mommy and Daddy are unhappy.

I would, for your peace of mind only (not for him, but for you), give the counseling a try. Stay at your parents and try several sessions of therapy with your husband. You do not want to turn around several years from now and wonder "what if...". The therapy will help you regardless of whether you stay with your husband or not. With the right therapist, you will learn skills that will help you with all of your relationships. Plus, you will have a safe setting to let your husband know why you are so unhappy.

We, the women, are usually told to stick with it for the children. We are told we should feel guilty, less of a woman, less of a mom, etc. if our marriage does not work out. Divorce is not an easy out. It is painful and draining. You must do what is right for YOU! Learning what went wrong in this relationship will help you either save it or create a strong relationship in the future.

Stay strong, you must do what is right for you. You being stable is the most important thing. Try the therapy, without involving the children at this point. It could help. At one time this man hung the moon for you, now he does not hang up his towel among other things. My point is you did love him enough to marry him. If the therapy does not fix this marriage, it will help you.

He may not have been proactive 4 years ago, but he is now. I know it didn't happen when you wanted it to, but eventually he learned, and is doing something about it. Go to counseling, and keep an open mind. Honestly I would go and state exactly what you said in your post, about not being in love with him and not wanting to fall back in love with him. You 2 going to counseling may not get you back together but it might certainly help you 2 be respectful through the divorce (if it comes to that). Good Luck!

I am having the exact same problem. Now that I am done he wants to be a changed man and work things out after 5 long years of me giving chance after chance. I think once they know you are seriouly fed up they want to try to change but the question is will the change last, is it just a trick to bring you back home? My ex has even had friends and family try to con his why back into my heart and I am just done. You have to do what you feel is right. Only work on things if you feel like he can change and is truley sincere and you really want to work things out. If you don't be done with it and just make sure you all can get along for the childerns sake.

I'm not sure what you're asking here, so it's hard to write an answer, but I think continuing the counseling is a good thing. And it's good that your husband now wants to go. A good counselor can see through a lot of words and actions, can help to sort things out in the right direction, and can make situations clear to the people who are in them. That's what counseling is about. This is essential for you even if you go ahead with a divorce. You see, even if you divorce the man, you will NOT be through with him. He will always be your ex-husband - not a stranger that you can forget about - and he will always be your children's father. If you are afraid of your husband's reaction when you express your feelings, you might want to ask for an individual session with the counselor to work on that.

I'm not sure what you are asking. It sounds like you have left and don't want to go to go to counseling. If you are done with your marriage I don't think you should jerk your husband around.

This is very difficult to respond to. I do agree with you about not doing it for the children, that is not good. You should do it for youself or not do it at all. Children aren't dumb, they know when something is wrong and it is not good to teach them these bad habits of a bad relationship, so I think you're right about that. I would maybe go to counseling though. I think that if nothing else it can give him, and probably you, some closure on the situation. I think having an unbiased party to help you communicate is a good thing and you don't know what you'll get out of it for yourself. I do see where you're coming from about you trying to communicate and now you leave and he wants help, but maybe that's what it took, maybe a lot will come out in counseling to make you see things differently. And, if they don't, that's okay, but I think this is a good and necessary step. Good luck, I can't imagine how hard this would be.